Am I awful?

[Sqirrelly]

When I had DS I had to quit work because the cost of childcare exceeded what I’d earn. Being stuck at home has made me very unhappy. I’m hoping to return to work in September when DS is entitled to free childcare. I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job. She’s downstairs in the lounge with him while I’m upstairs in the bedroom studying on my laptop. She drops in every weekday and watches him for maybe 2 hours, so over the course of a week I get about 10 hours to study.

But she’s letting him come upstairs to pester me all the time so I can’t study. When I bring him back downstairs repeatedly she’s saying stuff like how awful it is that I don’t want my own child and don’t have time for him. Mixed with comments about how she didn’t go back to work until I grew up and left home. It’s making me feel awful and preventing me studying.

I’ve said to her, do you realise that lots of women go back to work when they’re baby is six months old? And they work for 8 hours not just 2. She just shrugs her shoulders and pulls a face, and says well I think it’s awful to have a child and then just dump it on someone else.

If I could afford alternative childcare I’d arrange it, but I don’t have the money. Either my mum babysits or I can’t study at all. So I guess I have to put up with this. But it’s making me feel awful. I just really want to be able to study and have a future to look forward to, but I can’t get the time to myself.

Chuck out the useless boyfriend. Then you’ll get every other weekend off while he has your ds. He’ll have to step up then, and you can use the time to study.

Because frankly he isn’t contributing anything to your life except financially. And you could do that yourself if you completed your studies and got a job - plus he would still have to provide maintenance payments.

I think you would feel a lot happier if you were in control of your life instead of relying on people who do not support you.

You know what I would knock the babysitting on the head for a while, it's causing you stress you don't need. Enjoy the last summer before your DC starts nursery and tell your Mum you don't need her

I would be also having words re her attitude and how it upsets you as it is judgemental

I'm 56 and all I ever knew was my Mum at work though I know that's not the norm

When does nursery start, it's about 7 weeks isn't it? Is it worth the angst for a 7 weeks? Presumably you have been off work for over 3 years, 7 weeks is so little. Why don't you take a big breath and try to think about having a lovely 7 weeks with your son, days out, picnics in the park, meet up with other mums.

I do understand with the end in sight it is easy to get impatient but 7 weeks will soon pass, your time as a fulltime mum is nearly at an end.

You are not awful. Its definitely a generational thing. When I had my first child, my mother said "so you're going to be a SAHM now yeah" she couldn't believe I was going back to work but I had too.

I would just put up with your Mum while you need her.

I'm nearly 70 and I always worked, my mother worked and my grandmother worked. My great grandmother threw my drunken great grandfather out and worked and brought up 4 children.

It isn't generational, it is people with different lives/experiences/expectations.

Just wondering how do you usually structure your day? I was very routiney with my toddlers. We would be up and out of the door by 9, and spend all morning either at a toddler group or running around the park. Home for 11.30, lunch, and then instead of a nap (they dropped them early, like your ds) I sat them down on the sofa with a blanket and teddy in front of the telly for ‘quiet time’ for two hours. Didn’t hear a peep from them.

That was a solid two hours to myself every day. As this was the only telly time they got, they looked forward to it and didn’t demand my attention. After two hours sharp I would announce “That’s it, quiet time is finished!” and we’d either go outside again or play together at home.

They liked the routine and felt secure because they knew what was happening when. They were also tired out after a morning running around which helped them be ready for a rest. I got precious time to myself and they didn’t hassle me during it because they knew they’d get my full attention afterwards.

May be worth trying if your days are currently more unstructured.

@Sqirrelly the more you have posted the more it's clear you have a DP problem.

You had a breakdown yet his need for downtime trumps yours. He doesn't acknowledge that looking after DS is full on relentless work and you can't sit looking at your phone whilst he plays etc.

Your Mum is very unkind with what she says but your DP is out of order to live his life giving you and DS zero support and zero parenting.

September is not far off and I really hope DS going to nursery is a massive to help whether you work or study. I'm not really sure what your DP adds to your life apart from providing money.

September is very close and yes, you may have to delay your plans for those weeks till then. Long term this isn't a big sacrifice.

You don't say how old your mum is or what her health problems are but if she feels unable to take a 3yr old to the park or similar, then I'm guessing she struggles. I love having my grandchild but 2 hrs a day would be very tying and especially when it's not in her own home. Better to have fewer, longer chunks of minding him.

Ignore the comments and sit it out till September. Meanwhile, make sure your little one is more active during the day to tire him out.

@HyggeTygge - I would tend to agree about a 3-yr old and the playpen (they would more likely escape the playpen) but the gist of what I was suggesting would still be relevant.
Put your 3-yr old where they are safe and have the conversation with your mother about the way she speaks to you as your 3-yr old will pick up on it and whether she likes it or not it has to stop. She can think all of these things, scream them out loud when she gets back to her own place but while she is spending time with her grandchild, she has to keep her outdated and irrelevant opinions to herself!

@DelphiniumBlue

I think you've really drawn the short straw here, both ass far as your mother and partner are concerned. I was really shocked to read that he can't be bothered to take his own son out at the weekend - I get that not everyone likes parks, or kicking alls around with children, but he could just take him out for a walk, or to see the local trains, or just out anywhere! Also, your mother's comments seem just nasty. Unless you are in your 40s, I can't imagine where she gets the stay at home ideas from - I am in my 60's, and all my friends worked when their children were young, couldn't afford not to! My own mum and grandmother worked when I was still pre-school, so this is not a generational thing. Is she disabled? I know looking after a toddler can be tiring, but can she really not manage taking him to the park for an hour? I agree with other posters are saying, you will have to go out to study, either when your mum comes, or when DP gets home from work. It's DH's job to look after his own child. Maybe he needs to understand that taking a child out can be easier than entertaining them inside.

Meanwhile, Can you step up the amount of exercise that DS gets? They need an awful lot at that age, like puppies. It might with help with the sleeping - sorry if you've already tried that ,but I know it used to help with mine - walks or some activity morning, afternoon and sometimes evening too.

I’m in my 40s, and my mum was back to work after 6 weeks. Teachers didn’t get paid maternity leave then, so there was no choice. She and DF were both teachers, they couldn’t just halve their income for four years, and they had waited to have children until they’d saved enough for a house.

Most likely when your mum was off work, all the other mums were too so she would have company . My mum used to do her housework/chores in the morning (most probably whilst ignoring us) then took it in turns at friends houses for coffee most afternoons. Today, being a sahm can be pretty isolating and boring, esp having gone through lock down. Today many women don't have a choice other than to go out to work due to house prices etc. I think that what I would do is probably try to grit your teeth and stick a happy face on in front of your mother when you are interrupted and instead seem pleased to see your toddler and tell him how you can't wait to see him later to play, but that you are busy right now, then hand him back to your mum. I feel as though part of your mother's criticism is stemming from the fact that she thinks that you are selfish for wanting to pursue something for yourself. Instead focus on how you are wishing to return to work for financial security which will benefit him. Don't give her the ammunition to accuse you of not wanting to spend time with him or palming him off on someone else. Of course you shouldn't feel bad for wanting a break, but she is obviously trying to make you feel guilty about it, so just do what you can to remove that element of criticism. And of course tell her how lovely it is that she enjoys spending so much time with her grandchild (she clearly sees it as a chore and yet is willing to criticize you for feeling the same way). That way, she won't be able to complain about helping you out because she won't want to admit that it's anything other than enjoyable.

I get lack of sleep when a baby is waking in the night several times but not needing ten hours straight just to get through a day at home. Perhaps a visit to the doctor is needed.
How will you cope with a full days work then coming home to parent and run a house if being home all day is too much?

OP - It sounds to me that your little boy is calling the shots in your house. Your mum probably can’t stop him from interrupting you because he is used to doing exactly as he pleases and she can’t control him.

To be fair, you can’t control him either. It is pretty shocking that he goes to bed when you do because he will not tolerate a bedtime routine.

That’s not normal. Well, it probably is on Mumsnet, and no doubt several messages will follow from outraged 20-somethings whose ‘toddlers’ just ‘WILL NOT go to bed’. But it’s bad parenting. Bad for you, bad for your partner, bad for your mum, and ultimately, bad for your son.

You really do need to pull yourself together a bit and start laying down the law - introducing boundaries if you prefer. You are the adult and you are in charge, not your 3 year old. Let him know it, and do it now while you still can. In 10 years time, your problems will otherwise be much much worse.

@Sqirrelly

I think it’s a generational thing Yes I think so too. When I was a kid everyone had a mum at home, if she worked at all it was only part time during school hours. My mum’s only life ambition was to be a mother and she loved it. I don’t feel the same and it makes her angry. I had post natal depression after I gave birth and she was so angry with me, she refused to help me and walked out saying I was selfish and a horrible person because I should be happy and fulfilled to have a child, not crying about being stuck in the house. I don’t want any more children because I want my life back and she often says that’s a selfish decision.

Suck it up for as short a time as possible and then never ask her for childcare again.

I am furious on your behalf that she treated you like that when you were suffering from PND.

I doubt it’s a ‘generational thing’. My Gran was a teacher and they didn’t get maternity leave so she had to return when my Uncle and Dad were about 6 weeks old. She also worked right up until their due date. My Mum went back to work when I was 4 weeks old and that was the 90s. So yeah, don’t think it’s generational.

Anyway, I’d say she doesn’t want to babysit your DC. Your partner sounds like a selfish twat and he needs to parent his child. You should be trying to get a 3 year old to go to bed at around 7pm as well, then you’d have time in the evening to study.