Am I awful?

[Sqirrelly]

When I had DS I had to quit work because the cost of childcare exceeded what I’d earn. Being stuck at home has made me very unhappy. I’m hoping to return to work in September when DS is entitled to free childcare. I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job. She’s downstairs in the lounge with him while I’m upstairs in the bedroom studying on my laptop. She drops in every weekday and watches him for maybe 2 hours, so over the course of a week I get about 10 hours to study.

But she’s letting him come upstairs to pester me all the time so I can’t study. When I bring him back downstairs repeatedly she’s saying stuff like how awful it is that I don’t want my own child and don’t have time for him. Mixed with comments about how she didn’t go back to work until I grew up and left home. It’s making me feel awful and preventing me studying.

I’ve said to her, do you realise that lots of women go back to work when they’re baby is six months old? And they work for 8 hours not just 2. She just shrugs her shoulders and pulls a face, and says well I think it’s awful to have a child and then just dump it on someone else.

If I could afford alternative childcare I’d arrange it, but I don’t have the money. Either my mum babysits or I can’t study at all. So I guess I have to put up with this. But it’s making me feel awful. I just really want to be able to study and have a future to look forward to, but I can’t get the time to myself.

Your mum is being rude and I think you should tell her that. Your child is hearing what she's saying to and although he won't remember, moods still impact them at that age. I wouldn't put up with her attitude whether I needed her or not, it's not healthy for her to be saying these things in front of your child.

Also as everyone else has said, your husband should be doing his part. Being a parent is not "work" it's a responsibility. I went back to work when DC was 4 months and I've never seen it as work to come home and get to spend time with them! I wouldn't even consider it work. Kids are not chores. Your husband needs to start doing his share. If you're not willing to get him to do it then I can't see why anyone else should take responsibility. This is his child too.

Can’t you plonk the toddler in front of the TV for an hour and do some studying? I have two DC and have done a few distance qualifications - admittedly not gained when they were two, but I certainly studied when the TV was on.

Also, I’m sorry to say, ‘playing on his phone’ is a really depressing thing to desire above spending time with his family. As I said, the loudest thing I can hear from you is your DH just isn’t doing enough.

So he’s 3?
Bloody hell at that age

1. Park him in front of tv and then play, iPad

And at that age they can listen and grasp of you tell him to stop bothering you!

OP your mum is a real piece of work. Honestly if I am ever so lucky as to have grandchildren, I'd so value that 2 hours a day and respect the fact you're trying to study and that I could help.

When I had to study for a big course, kind of related to my job but far more complicated than what I'm used to, I got up at 5am or something like that, got an hour done, and managed an hour in the evening. Maybe that'd work for you? Your mum sounds horrible.

Everyone slagging off the mum... she’s doing 2 hours childcare a day, every day. Of course it’s not a reason to be rude, but she’s doing a lot. I’d guess a lot of her moaning is because she doesn’t actually want to do it.
Are you sleeping 10-8 OP? I’d jig things round so the toddler sleeps 9-7 ish instead, then you could have 9-11 to get some work done? And your partner needs to step up and look after his child.
If he thinks you have loads of free time to play on your phone etc when you’re looking after your child, why does he need to be child free to play on his?

Could you and your partner get your heads together and sort out a bedtime routine? it'll be a hard slog for a few weeks, but it will free you up every evening to do what you need to do. You need to sit down and have a discussion with him about his lack of contribution to parenting, it wont be for long, even if he took over one evening a week and half a day at the weekend, that would mean you no longer need your mum - you need to start taking charge of the situation.

I agree also with those saying your mum is maybe a little jealous, and its coming out as spite. you need to be form with her too, you're not her and you're allowed to want different things. I hate the notion that women should accept being a parent and a wife and nothing else, some are happy with this but some are not

Are you sleeping 10pm to 8am too? If so could you get up earlier and do a couple of hours study before DS wakes? Then it's out of the way for the day and you've still had 8 hours sleep. Use headphones and shut the door of the room you're working in or go downstairs out the way.

To me it sounds like a good idea to get DH to do the bedtime routine while you go out of the house for two hours.
It may be hell for both of them for a couple of weeks, but SO worth it if your child gets into a better routine and DH and you get evenings free after DS is asleep.

Also, set an alarm so you and DS get up at 7.00 to 7.30 latest, which will mean he is more tired at bedtime, and more ready for early starts for nursery and school later on. Do you actually sleep all the time you are in bed, or do you wake up regularly and just lie there? Perhaps getting yourself up earlier will improve your own sleep?

You could also put him in front of the TV for an hour during the day while you study in the same room with headphones on - not ideal but better than nothing.

If it is not working with your DM looking after him, then just stop that arrangement.
Do you get anything out of her coming round so often if you can't study anyway? Are you glad to see her, or is it just another chore to host and entertain her? If the latter, stop the frequent visits - it is not your job to look after her or facilitate what she wants to your own detriment.

I would put you lo to bed much earlier so you have some evening to work and then get up earlier with him in the morning. Alternatively get up at 6am and do some work before he wakes. No adult needs 10 hours sleep.
Your mum sounds like she might be really struggling with entertaining your lo. To be honest when I'm a gran I wouldn't want to be obliged to babysit for 2 hours every day, I want having my grandkids to be fun not an obligation.

I agree that it's your DP who really needs to step up here. And I also agree your mum is doing a lot. She isn't being supportive, which is shit, but it's also a big ask to ask her to do two hours childcare.

I think TV is your friend, and I think your DS is old enough to start learning that when mummy is working, he shouldn't interrupt. He won't really get it yet but if you don't start now, it'll all take a lot longer.

Can you chunk up your studying into 15-20 minute tasks? That will be much less 'interruptible'. Or even stay up for half an hour when he goes down at 10? Anywhere you can find a pocket of time is good.

My DD was a terrible sleeper (she was regularly awake to 11 or midnight and up at 6/7, and no, she didn't nap either), and I was working at home, and it is grim. But it is also doable if you are prepared to let go of the idea you'll do two solid hours without being interrupted.

Yes it will take a few nights of whinging dc but will be worth it when he's in bed at a reasonable hour
I’ve tried this for 3 years. He won’t go to bed earlier unless he gets up earlier, which doesn’t give me any extra time because he’s still sleeping the same number of hours. I’ve spoken to the health visitor and the GP and done what they recommend. In the end they just shrugged and said you have a child who doesn’t need a lot of sleep. The GP pointed out that according to my records my mother had the same problems with me when I was a toddler.

It’s hard not having any free time, I get that. For you too though.
But you are expected to go without? And that’s fine?
My partner regards all of my time as free time. Because I’m not working and he says I can play on my phone or watch tv while I’m looking after DS.

Do you actually sleep 10-8 as well?
I sleep 11-8, but I probably lie there for half an hour trying to fall asleep, so actual sleep is more like 11.30-8. When I get DS to sleep about 10pm I get up and put toys away, maybe have a drink and sit down for ten minutes to decompress, brush my teeth and have a wash, and go to bed by 11. Although sometimes DS doesn’t go to sleep till 11 anyway.

Your mums proud of some random shit & she’s not a nice person.

Can you pause your course & wait for September?

I’d really struggle to put up with her values being shoved in my face. She’s sounds quite selfish to be honest expecting you to live the life that she wanted

Could you go to a cafe or park to study ?

Your mum is being rude
Example from this morning: I’m studying and DS starts screaming. When he doesn’t stop I become concerned and pop downstairs to see what’s wrong. He had tripped over and bumped his head. My mum says “he’s crying for your attention because you don’t have time for him”. I say “mum it’s normal for mother’s to spend time apart from their children”. She says nastily “well I don’t think it’s right, there’s plenty of time for you to be apart when he’s 5 and goes to school”.

I get this every single day.

My partner regards all of my time as free time. Because I’m not working and he says I can play on my phone or watch tv while I’m looking after DS.

Your partner is being a dick.

I’d jig things round so the toddler sleeps 9-7 ish instead
If he gets up earlier then I also have to get up earlier. Which means I have to go to bed earlier. So how am I gaining anything?

Everyone slagging off the mum... she’s doing 2 hours childcare a day, every day. Of course it’s not a reason to be rude, but she’s doing a lot
It’s massively helpful so I can have time to study and I appreciate that she’s doing 10 hours childcare. What I don’t appreciate is all the interruptions and complaining and snarky comments. I’ve said if you don’t want to look after him then don’t? She says of course I’ll look after him! But then I get all the hassle.

If he thinks you have loads of free time to play on your phone etc when you’re looking after your child, why does he need to be child free to play on his?
Exactly. Basically he thinks I’ve dossed around all day while he’s worked, therefore he’s more deserving of the free time in the evening.

@Sqirrelly

I’d jig things round so the toddler sleeps 9-7 ish instead If he gets up earlier then I also have to get up earlier. Which means I have to go to bed earlier. So how am I gaining anything?

Because you don’t need 10 hours sleep, do you? I sleep 11-6ish (toddler gets up at 6). So if mine went to bed at 9 that would leave a couple of hours to do some studying before bed (I actually work freelance when mine are in bed, 8pm-10pm ish).

Can you pause your course & wait for September?
I might have to. That makes me really sad because the study time is literally the only time I get for myself. I’m sick of being stuck with a child all the time. Everyone wanted a baby and encouraged me to have him, but now he’s just been left for me to look after. I was hoping to study and work in September. I would have to study in September and put back my job search until January. Truthfully I’m sick and I don’t want to wait any longer.

I know it seems hard, but if he's sleeping till 8 then you get up at six and study then. It's only for a few months.

You keep saying what your partner thinks but are you discussing with him that you need more support / you have a different POV or does get to decide how things go?

If you cannot pay a sitter for a couple of hours, and your boyfriend will not step up (a bigger topic for discussion, of course) then you have no option but to adjust your sleeping schedule to allow for work. At risk of sounding a bit Four Yorkshiremen, you're not doing too badly if you have a three year old, you are managing to get some studying done AND you're getting 8-9 hours sleep a night. I was in law school when my youngest was born, and living far from family. For a few years I had to accept that i was going to get about 6 hours a night. Can you study midnight or get up a six and get a couple of hours in? September isn't far away; surely you could survive on less sleep until then?

(Yes, before anyone jumps on me, her boyfriend should be stepping up. But OP cannot change his behavior and in the short term needs to come up with a solution.)

Because you don’t need 10 hours sleep, do you?
I need about 8-9 hours. Sometimes DS only sleeps 8-9 hours. Sometimes he sleeps 10 hours and I get an hour to do bits and bobs after he’s asleep, usually tidying up the mess he’s made. I don’t spend that hour studying because quite frankly it’s 10pm and I’m too tired. I asked my mum to come in the mornings so I could study while I’m still alert.