Am I awful?

[Sqirrelly]

When I had DS I had to quit work because the cost of childcare exceeded what I’d earn. Being stuck at home has made me very unhappy. I’m hoping to return to work in September when DS is entitled to free childcare. I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job. She’s downstairs in the lounge with him while I’m upstairs in the bedroom studying on my laptop. She drops in every weekday and watches him for maybe 2 hours, so over the course of a week I get about 10 hours to study.

But she’s letting him come upstairs to pester me all the time so I can’t study. When I bring him back downstairs repeatedly she’s saying stuff like how awful it is that I don’t want my own child and don’t have time for him. Mixed with comments about how she didn’t go back to work until I grew up and left home. It’s making me feel awful and preventing me studying.

I’ve said to her, do you realise that lots of women go back to work when they’re baby is six months old? And they work for 8 hours not just 2. She just shrugs her shoulders and pulls a face, and says well I think it’s awful to have a child and then just dump it on someone else.

If I could afford alternative childcare I’d arrange it, but I don’t have the money. Either my mum babysits or I can’t study at all. So I guess I have to put up with this. But it’s making me feel awful. I just really want to be able to study and have a future to look forward to, but I can’t get the time to myself.

Ok, well nothing to suggest then 🤷🏻‍♀️. I work evenings when mine are in bed then sleep 6-7 hours. That’s the only I have chance to do it. If you can’t shift things round and you can’t ask your partner to step up and you can’t pay for childcare then you either put up with your mum’s comments or delay your course.

Get up earlier? During the lockdowns when there was no childcare I got up at 6 and did some work before the kids got up. Yes it's a longer day but it would be short term pain for long term gain

How old is your child ?

I used to take mine to play centres when they were toddlers and study there.

If younger does s/he have a nap ? Could you do a bit then ?

I repeat what I said before , go to a cafe or park whilst the weather is nice while your mum has him/her.

I also suggest getting up earlier. I used to get up at 6 and study until my dc woke at 8/8:30. It makes for much better quality study...trust me!!

@RandomMess

Do you actually sleep 10-8 as well?

Personally 6-7 hours is all I actually sleep!

Shock fact! Different people need different amounts of sleep! Hard to believe that we are not all robots manufactured to be the same, I know!

My partner regards all of my time as free time. Because I’m not working and he says I can play on my phone or watch tv while I’m looking after DS

No. No no no no. Has your DH ever done a full days parenting? It’s fucking hard! And what does a phone have to do with anything? If your DH thinks staring at shit on a phone is so important, he needs to reevaluate his life!

Don’t accept this, it isn’t fair on you at all. Your DH is your problem here. He needs to take more responsibility, and I hate to say it, but you’re going to have to be the one to makes him see this.

Yes op I need 8/9

But as a mother, i accept that if I want to get everything done, compromises have to be made

And my compromise is to set my alarm an hour before my children wake so I get that hour to sort out admin etc

I feel sorry for you because your mum is horrible and your DP is useless but you don't need 9 hours sleep.

What age are you and your partner OP? He sounds very immature!

If it were me, I'd stay up late, so 10-12 pm to study a few hours each night.

Your DH is a twat, so is your mother.

Get rid of both of them.

I say that as a single parent of 3 who’s just finished a Microbiology degree and used paid childcare because nobody in my family “agrees” with Mums leaving the house till their youngest is 18

If I was you I'd get up about 6 and work then. It will be tiring but hopefully only for a few weeks. I'd like 8 or 9 hours sleep too but most people struggle to fit that in, especially when they are studying. It will be worth it!
And then you don't need to put up with your mum!

You're absolutely not awful, at all. Your mum's being awful, and you need to stop relying on her. You're not asking for much. There must be another way around this for you that's more effective and doesn't involve being berated or insulted.

Do you already have a degree? Have you scoured through absolutely everything available re higher education/childcare grants etc?

Do you have any mum friends you could arrange childcare swaps with? My friend and I used to alternate having each other's kids every weekend, Sat after lunch till Sunday after dinner, which meant we each had a full day and a half a fortnight to get jobs done. If you set this up with a couple of mums, you could all be on to a winner.

It can be really hard to look after a small child who knows their parent is in the house - but couple that with your comment that

" she’s not physically able to pick him up or catch him if he runs away."
and I think you are lucky that she is even trying to help.
Her comments are obviously not great but this arrangement is not going to work for any of the 3 of you. I hope you can find a solution, though unfortunately it probably will mean less sleep.

Oh pish to the “you don’t need 9 hours sleep”, you bloody do if you’re running around after a toddler from 8am till 10pm, alone with no help from the twat father.

I’ve sacrificed a lot to study but my 9 hours sleep is not one of them.

It sounds really hard, OP, and your mim and partner's attitudes don't help.

I studied and worked full time with 2 (older than yours) DCs and in your shoes I'd be looking to do smaller bursts of study if possible. So what does your Ds do each day? I don't think, say, 30 minutes of TV would hurt him and if you're studying nearby he won't miss you. Can you take him to a park?

Can you rearrange your evening routine so that you tidy and use 30 minutes before bed to study?

Your DH needs to step up too but that's going to be harder. Can you "neglect" some of the housework during the week? Let small things slide?

Good luck. (and to answer your question: no, you are not awful)

My partner regards all of my time as free time. Because I’m not working and he says I can play on my phone or watch tv while I’m looking after DS.

Fine that’s simple. You can park your ds next to him to go and study. It’s not taking any of his free time after all. If you can do this, so can he…. If it’s that simple. 🙄

OP, I would put the telly on for 2h a day for your little one and not feel an ounce of guilt about doing it. If they are entertained/distracted enough by that then that would be the answer for me.

I used to do this loads when wfh when my eldest 2 were only 1 and 2 years old and my exDH was a lazy shit too and they are now 12 and 13 and no harm done!

No I’m not willing to compromise my sleep. When DS was six weeks old I had a breakdown because I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep. It was terrifying. Lack of sleep makes you physically ill and there’s no way I can cope with boring 14 hour days with a toddler if I haven’t had enough sleep.

I’m not sure what I was expecting by posting this. Moral support perhaps. It’s clear that there isn’t a solution here other than just putting up with it.

You haven't addressed most of the solutions proposed here . Time to grow up

@Sqirrelly

No I’m not willing to compromise my sleep. When DS was six weeks old I had a breakdown because I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep. It was terrifying. Lack of sleep makes you physically ill and there’s no way I can cope with boring 14 hour days with a toddler if I haven’t had enough sleep.

I’m not sure what I was expecting by posting this. Moral support perhaps. It’s clear that there isn’t a solution here other than just putting up with it.

Fair enough

Suck it up then!

Good luck

@Sqirrelly

No I’m not willing to compromise my sleep. When DS was six weeks old I had a breakdown because I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep. It was terrifying. Lack of sleep makes you physically ill and there’s no way I can cope with boring 14 hour days with a toddler if I haven’t had enough sleep.

I’m not sure what I was expecting by posting this. Moral support perhaps. It’s clear that there isn’t a solution here other than just putting up with it.

You can put your foot down with DH.

He isn’t “helping” when he looks after your toddler, its called parenting. If he isn’t willing to do that, then leave him.

That is not something I would tolerate, at all. Bullshit behaviour.

Im the opposit. I work part time often from home and wish my mam would stop pestering me to get a 'proper job'.

My mam was a workaholic, I barely knew who she was as a little kid because she went to work before I got up and came home after bedtime. The only early childhood memories of her I have is when I would go into her bedroom and watch her sleep.

I vowed as small child that if I had kids I would spend my time with them and the would come above everything. This attitude baffles my mam who thinks you have to work constantly to 'feel good about yourself' but I feel great when Im with my kids and honestly working doesnt make me feel great at all its 'just' a job to me.

People just view these things differently and I have noticed a lot of people grow up to be the opposit of how they where raised.

So sad that some mums are made to feel guilty for a modest amount of help from gp.really don’t get those people. If you can help, do it with a good heart. I find it a privilege to help out and would never make the parents feel bad. If I can help make their life a little easier with a regular breaks it benefits all/ me the parents and the baby

It sounds like your are surrounded by people who want to shame and infantilise you. Don't let them win, its far too easy to find yourself with children that are leaving school, no job, and no hope of one because you haven't worked for 16 years.

Work or stay at home, you'll be shamed and judged. But at least if you work you can keep an independent income and pension.