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Original poster

Argument with DH over mornings

187 replies

Nevermind95 · 29/05/2021 08:33

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

OP posts:
guiltynetter · 29/05/2021 08:36

Is there anyway he can not work such long hours? It sounds unsustainable and is causing jealousy and resentment in you both of 'free time'.

Findahouse21 · 29/05/2021 08:37

We each get a lay in, until about 9:30/
. Tbh I struggle to sleep so often watch TV in bed. But once we're up, it's family time. For us having one morning 'off' each would really cut into the weekend.

mamas12 · 29/05/2021 08:37

You are definitely nbu!
Take him up on his word and stay home send him and dd off to see friends and text them yourself if you need to say You’re not well and hope they all have a nice time

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Peppapeg · 29/05/2021 08:38

DH used to have a similar attitude, it used used drive me mad, so selfish. We both work full time now, during the week we both get up at the same time and will eat breakfast with DS together and then both pitch in getting him ready for nursery, we now finish at the same time so in the evenings he plays with DS whilst I cook (his cooking is grim although he does offer to cook); so weekdays work pretty well. Weekends it depends what we are doing, if we have early plans we obviously both get up, if not though then we have a morning each and then do something as a family both afternoons. It's not as rigid as that, I mean we don't keep tabs or whatever so if someone is under the weather or whatever they have a lie in both days, but on the whole it evens out.

It used to be the case that he worked away when DS was a baby, so I would do absolutely everything, he would return Friday and then sleep until midday both Saturday and Sunday. I would get zero downtime and he thought that was fine because he had been working so hard (not like me obviously eurgh).

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2021 08:39

Is there a reason he couldn’t make the picnic? What does he do round the house at the weekend?

What sort of long hours are we talking about?

4PawsGood · 29/05/2021 08:39

I think you’re exhausted. I can’t really work out what’s fair of not, but it sounds like you need some help with your DC’s sleep/your sleep. Smile
Would some advice on that be helpful? I don’t want to totally derail your post if not.

mamas12 · 29/05/2021 08:39

Just to say we each had a morning off and it was sacrosanct
Neither one of us would disturb the other and it really worked at the time

Aprilwasverywet · 29/05/2021 08:40

Op is well though. Well pissed off.
Hi friends, sorry am absolutely shattered after a week with dd and no sleep. Sure dh will manage just fine - have fun!
And you enjoy your day.

Checkingout811 · 29/05/2021 08:41

Don’t go today.
Could you wash your hair in the 45 minute window? Picnic could’ve been prepped last night but he could drive to the picnic if you want to go?
I’m a SAHM but I don’t have set timings for getting ready, I just get up before the DC to shower & have a coffee.

DifferentHair · 29/05/2021 08:48

I wouldn't be preparing a picnic on my morning off. What terrible ailment prevents him from doing this?

I'd be pretty angry at the 'as you should' comment. What a knobbish thing to say.

Are you a SAHM? Or is this the end of mat leave? I don't think there is always value in comparing what various families do, it's more a matter of looking at your own family's needs and your individual needs and trying to meet them all. When it's unravelled into point scoring, it's gone off track.

In a better world, he would see that you're exhausted and would benefit from non-care giver time. I don't think the working parent should see weekend care giving as 'work' tbh. My DH worked mad hours when our first was that age, but when he was home he had his sleeves up and was doing as much caring as possible. He didn't think of it as work or a favour to me, he more saw it as 'making up' for the time he missed during the week and the lack of non-care giving time I'd had.

Personally is we each had a 'morning off' from both care giving and work it would cut into family time too much.

The reality is that he doesn't need a break from care giving because he does very little all week, so it's not a like for like comparison.

I think the problem is that he doesn't seem to value your contribution to the family, and that's not great. Do you have a good career to return to? What are your plans longer term?

Original poster
Nevermind95 · 29/05/2021 08:49

@guiltynetter

Is there anyway he can not work such long hours? It sounds unsustainable and is causing jealousy and resentment in you both of 'free time'.
No, unfortunately
OP posts:
Original poster
Nevermind95 · 29/05/2021 08:51

@mamas12

Just to say we each had a morning off and it was sacrosanct Neither one of us would disturb the other and it really worked at the time
But then did you each shower etc? I am now giving baby's breakfast while he showers.
OP posts:
Checkingout811 · 29/05/2021 08:52

Why is it an issue to feed your baby while he showers? I’m struggling to understand the issue here tbh

Theunamedcat · 29/05/2021 08:53

Tell him to shove his picnic and his "morning off" he has spoilt yours like a twat

DifferentHair · 29/05/2021 08:53

I'd stay home and wash my hair if I was you. And I wouldn't be doing a damn thing to make his picnic happen. Let him show up empty handed and explain to his peers that he is a sexist pig who expected his sleep deprived wife to whip together a picnic for him on her one morning off.

Does he do the night wake ups on the weekend?

Also this is a controversial opinion on Mumsnet but I don't hold with the SAHM parent doing all the night wake ups. Especially if they are driving, as you are. Fuck that. It's dangerous. What kind of shitty man lets his wife suffer from sleep deprivation while ensuring a solid 8 hours for himself? To me that's the same as eating all the food while your wife lives on crumbs. Throw in that the wife then hops behind the wheel with their baby in the backseat and it's fucking psychotic.

Unless he's a pilot or a surgeon etc, he can miss the odd bit of sleep in the name of the overall health of the family.

Quartz2208 · 29/05/2021 08:54

DOnt go and let him take your DD he needs to get into the idea of how hard it is for you as well. Let him make the picnic and drive

DifferentHair · 29/05/2021 08:55

@Nevermind95 when I had children I started showering at night once they were asleep. It was too difficult getting everyone showered in the morning

Landedmydreamjob · 29/05/2021 08:57

Why can’t he make the picnic?

Why can’t you just stay at home and have a lazy day?

Lazypuppy · 29/05/2021 08:57

Not sure why you both need to shower every morning, bur he has to wait to shower until after you are awake, or depending on age of child, have them.in the bathroom playing with toys while he showers. 10mo can easily be put on floor in bathroom with toys to play if he insists on showering before you get up

Me and DP get one lie in each a weekend until about 10am.

DappledThings · 29/05/2021 08:57

We alternate lie-ins at the weekend. Till around 10ish but no set time. I've woken up a bit early this morning but I'm staying in bed for a bit.

DH will shower after I get up, no set time period that's a bit odd.

The big rule is that the non lie-in parent gets up as soon as the DC do. So that the chances of the other staying asleep are maximised. No idea when they were all up this morning. About 6.30 probably.

Theunamedcat · 29/05/2021 08:58

@Checkingout811

Why is it an issue to feed your baby while he showers? I’m struggling to understand the issue here tbh
Morning off? So far been taken up by him nitpicking over who does what and when plus picnic food that apparently only she can make now he is in the shower where is her morning off? He should feed the baby first then shower
blackcat86 · 29/05/2021 08:58

You both over thinking showering. It's not that hard or the real issue is it. I have a have a now toddler but I was on mat leave I would either shower during DDs morning nap, at night when she went down or bring her into the bathroom with me. You do need time out to recharge though. I had a similar attitude from my DH so went back to work as soon as possible and made it clear that he needed to be doing 2 nights a week (proportional). We have a lay in each at the weekend if we have no plans and no one is working but only until 8/8:30ish or we would never do anything. If it doesn't happen then it doesn't happen. I don't think we could be rigid.

rookiemere · 29/05/2021 08:58

Oh OP I do feel for you, what a horrible way to start your weekend. You need to talk to your DH when you are calm and explain exactly what you expect. He was horrible to spoil your one chance to get back some sleep.

Emanresus · 29/05/2021 08:59

I think you might be stressing yourself out more by having such set times for things. Could you be a bit more relaxed about it and ask the other to watch the baby while you shower, or put the baby on the bathroom floor with some toys while you shower? Having such rigid rules would just cause more friction for us.

MitheringSunday · 29/05/2021 09:00

I don't quite understand, you have 45 minutes to shower and get ready each morning, and you're talking of washing your hair 'at last' as if you never get 2 seconds to do so in the week?

I often despair of men from reading posts on here, but I can sort of see his point. It sounds as if you're both exhausted and getting into a destructive 'competitive tiredness' thing.

How does the rest of the weekend go, if Saturday mornings are your time off?