Argument with DH over mornings

[Nevermind95]

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

I might get shot down with this one and understand all children are different etc etc but at 10 months my little one slept through, we did serious sleep training at about 6 months as we both felt we would lose our minds as she has colic for the first 6 months. Getting our little one to sleep through made an immense difference to our mental health 👍 have a google about sleep training.

Awww your DP sees himself as a glorified baby sitter not a father. Kick the prick out and do it on your own. Glorified babysitters have no place in family life.

@zippityzip

I find this whole set up bizarre. You rota your showers?? How many kids do you have that you have to tag team? Honestly the rules and timers just sounds ridiculous - crack on like functioning adults and then say "look husband/wife I'm shattered today do you mind getting up with the kids this morning so I can lay in". Help each other out. Work as a team? Communicate?

Phew. A voice of sanity!! I was beginning to think I was the only one who thought this all sounds like too much hard work.

Mmm I think you've reached the point where you both have to switch out of having a baby is a full time job. You still have to get on with hair/shower/ eating whilst you have a baby in tow. There isn't a third adult to do the baby care so baby in playpen in bedroom or you do hair downstairs, or do make up whilst baby chewing toast etc. Same for him. And yes he can make a picnic and drive.

“As you should” would have got this from me 🖕

Cheek. Take the time today. Let him do some parenting. Think about what it is you need/want and discuss tonight.

Honestly if baby wakes at 7 then person who did not do the night time is up with baby from 7 and that’s that really. For the time being, it does not last for ever.

At the moment if your 45 minute rule works in the week then use it at the weekend. For the time being, it does not last forever.

Don’t get into competitive tiredness you are both tired.

If baby naps In the day at the weekend then you both can and should too!

Forget the socialising unless it does not interfere with your rest!!!! Honestly there is nothing to be gained from arriving at a social event tired and pissed off with each other.

At a weekend after breakfast or nap time pop to the park put on big smiles and get a pic for Facebook before it all goes pear shaped then grab a coffee and wander home getting Dd lots of interaction and some toddling when able. With the fresh air except use and good vibes she and you may get more sleep overnight.

Be kind to each other it is hard but remember you will get the cute pics this way and when she is grown you can look back with rose tinted glasses on x

If he does Friday night wakings then go away to a friend's house on Friday night and come back ready to take over at the agreed time.

Or a cheap hotel.

Just do it occasionally for your own sanity.

Plus, he will then have to take the load.

It just seems like a competition of who most badly done by .

@rookiemere

But they both get up at 7am 5 mornings a week. The OP is the one, 5 mornings a week, getting up after broken sleep. The husband is getting up after uninterrupted sleep. He gets enough sleep during the week.
He does 2 interrupted nights at the weekend. One of those mornings he gets up at the usual time, the other he gets a lie in.
At the weekend, she gets one lie in.

So OP does 5 interrupted nights a week, and one lie in. He does 2 interrupted nights a week, and one lie in. I know who I think is getting the most solid rest each week, and it isnt OP.

That's what comes with a baby and being a SAHP, but one morning a week to sleep until 8/9 really isnt asking too much of the husband who gets to spend his week having contact with other adults and a fulfilling career and uninterrupted sleep 5 nights in a row.

Parenting is 24/7 7 days a week for the next 18 or more so years of your lives there’s no time off it’s all parenting even if the child goes out with one of you there other person still has parenting to do

@IEat

Parenting is 24/7 7 days a week for the next 18 or more so years of your lives there’s no time off it’s all parenting even if the child goes out with one of you there other person still has parenting to do

You're a parent every second from when they're born but I'm not parenting when I'm at the cinema with friends, having cocktails, working my volunteer work etc.

DH lies in on saturday and me on sunday.

He gets up around nine on Saturday, I normally get up between 10-11 on sunday.

Its really not hard, theres no logistics to it lol.

I dont understand the shower issue, how do you normally shower?
its litrally no different.

He is being an arse. Saturday is his morning on so he gets the picnic with his friends organised and you get up later or better still - stay home and have an actual morning off.

"Sometimes I'm prodding him because he sleeps deeply and doesn't hear baby crying immediately. So I don't feel too rested. Perhaps I should wear ear plugs on those two nights?"

Does your DH lie awake at night worrying about the baby waking? A sharp kick in the shins is quite effective at waking up and with a bit of practice becomes less necessary. He will learn to manage a baby the same way you did - by trial and error. Stop feeling guilty for a perfectly reasonable requirement.

Sleepless nights are torture. Two of mine were awful sleepers but we split the weekends so that each of us had one decent lie in/rest morning and the other took the DC out of the house whatever the weather.

He's a father - if he can't prepare food and wet weather clothes or plan a morning out then he isn't doing a very good job as a father. However you need to let go a bit and leave him to it.

I admit I have never understood this sharing out of children as if they are are a burden. I had good times and bad times with my kids and of course there were times when one or other of us needed a break but a tit for tat relationship and a counting of the minutes is no way to go on.

I was with the kids when he was at work and vice versa. Or we had childcare. Weekends we just lived together with the kids. If he was exhausted from work and needed a lie in or a shower I didn't count the minutes and "make sure" I had the same.
It's the way for arguments to happen because someone will have to "break the rules" Kids are like that.

Firstly you sound exhausted. Can you take parenting easier during the week? - sleeping when baby naps etc etc
With only one baby you can still make your life work around them to a large extent rather than the other way round.

Secondly competitive tiredness and squabbles about sleep are part and parcel of parenting small children. Best thing is to take a deep breath and work out another way that suits. Turning it into a massive pile of resentment is a very good way of killing a relationship.

I am not saying YABU but my point is that feeling resentful and feeding that resentment by posting about it and looking for affirmation isn't going to help you in the long term.

@BirthdayCakeBelly

“As you should” would have got this from me 🖕

Cheek. Take the time today. Let him do some parenting. Think about what it is you need/want and discuss tonight.

Yes it stinks of entitlement, arrogance and a lack of respect.

It's not a race to the bottom, but when my DS1 was 10 months old, I worked full time too. Then when DS2 was 10 months old, I worked evenings and had a two year old as well.

Just talk to each other. Recognise you're both tired and want a break. Stop putting so much pressure on yourselves to do stuff. On Saturdays, I don't leave the house. The kids are exhausted from school, I'm exhausted from work and DH is in work too. Perhaps you both need to do something like this.

I am on mat leave with my 8 month old at the moment and do most of the childcare and do all night wakings all week (my DH currently needs sleeping tablets do once he's taken them he's Out!). Not too bad for me at the moment as DS mostly only wakes once a night, but certainly understand the frustration of the effects of a sleep Regression!

I agree with some other posters, I think you need to relax the 'rules' a bit. In the mornings I generally get up with DS and will either take him into DH if the effects of his sleeping tablets have died down (he will play or watch TV with him in bed) or I will take him downstairs and set him up with some toys in the living room. This is when I get breakfast ready for everyone, make DH lunch and feed the cats (this takes me around 10-15 mins). Admittedly I normally spend most of the morning still in my PJ'S and will get myself ready when DS is down for his morning nap (though if I want to get ready my DH will continue to look after DS while I throw some clothes kn and brush my hair).

DH will go to work while I look after DS all day. Thankfully he is a good napper and generally goes down for around 1hr 30 mins once in the morning and again in the afternoon. Depending on what we have on that day I will use his nap times to either nap myself or do something for myself (e.g. get ready, exercise, game, read, etc). I like to use those times to have me time and I leave chores until the evening when DS is in bed for the night.

When DH gets home he will watch DS while I prep dinner.

I know some people prefer showering in the morning, but me and DS both prefer washing in the evenings. So normally we take it in turns for one of us to have a bath with DS, and if the other wants to wash they can either shower at the same time (we have a separate bath and shower so can do this) or the other can wait until DS is in bed. The person who showers is the person who then puts DS to bed. The other can continue to relax in the bath for however long they want after DS gets out.

Is washing the evening even some days an option for you so you can do this while DS is in Bed?

We have one lie in day each on the weekend where the other is not disturbed. I generally have to wake up DH on his day due to his sleeping tablets he doesn't hear when DS is awake but then he will get up and spend the morning with DS. I either go back to sleep or I use the time to relax myself. I sometimes get up on his day to help prep breakfast and feed the cats then go back to bed as he can take a while to wake up from the tablets, but I don't have to and I do it on my own accord.

@Landedmydreamjob

How long is it taking you to get dressed and put moisturiser on?

Was hair, leave to dry naturally, finish drying when baby has nap?

Yes this. You don't need to dry and style it do you?

You need to get out of the competitive tiredness and point scoring. It's hard when you are exhausted and resentful, but it's not helping anyone.
It's very common and normal, but it's not making your life easier!

You should discuss about helping each other, and actually enjoy your weekends.

It's not helpful at all if you end up comparing which one has the worst between the one working full time and paying the bills, and the one looking after a baby. You BOTH are stressed, you BOTH are tired.

It's a different kind of stress, it's a different kind of tiredness ,but you both are suffering frankly. None of you is worst off

@DifferentHair

I'd stay home and wash my hair if I was you. And I wouldn't be doing a damn thing to make his picnic happen. Let him show up empty handed and explain to his peers that he is a sexist pig who expected his sleep deprived wife to whip together a picnic for him on her one morning off.

Does he do the night wake ups on the weekend?

Also this is a controversial opinion on Mumsnet but I don't hold with the SAHM parent doing all the night wake ups. Especially if they are driving, as you are. Fuck that. It's dangerous. What kind of shitty man lets his wife suffer from sleep deprivation while ensuring a solid 8 hours for himself? To me that's the same as eating all the food while your wife lives on crumbs. Throw in that the wife then hops behind the wheel with their baby in the backseat and it's fucking psychotic.

Unless he's a pilot or a surgeon etc, he can miss the odd bit of sleep in the name of the overall health of the family.

All of this. He sounds like a sexist twat OP. Willing to bet he doesn't pull his weight at all domestically.

OK DH was/is pilot/surgeon genre. I was a sahm and did all childcare when dc were small.

I had Saturday mornings "off" with a lie-in and he took the infant(s) for a walk in the pram, to the park etc, getting home at 12ish. He had Sunday mornings "off" when I took them to church.

I don't understand the stuff about the shower. DH used to be out of the house at 6.45. I showered in about 5/10 minutes and the baby stayed in the cot, awake or asleep and when we had a toddler as well they were bunged in the travel cot. Later - when there were two dc and nursery runs, etc, I showered before bed. I really think 45 minutes for a shower and getting ready is taking the tiddle a bit.

Also this is a controversial opinion on Mumsnet but I don't hold with the SAHM parent doing all the night wake ups. Especially if they are driving, as you are. Fuck that. It's dangerous. What kind of shitty man lets his wife suffer from sleep deprivation while ensuring a solid 8 hours for himself?

You've never exclusively BF your baby have you...

Waking up BOTH parents instead of one doesn't really help anyone, does it. Even if dad wakes up, change nappy etc, you are still up anyway. So that's 2 exhausted parents. I know misery likes company, but it's still silly.

So much better to do the nights and have more help for other things.

He is being an absolute twat.
Looking after a child all week is much more exhausting than working and you NEED time off.
I went back to work in the NHS just as soon as I could after I had my DS, not because I didn't love him but because I needed a break from the relentless mind numbing exhaustion of caring for a small child.
Perhaps he would prefer 50/50 care and a divorce if that's how he feels and during his 50% he can arrange all the care and do the night wakings while you get some time to yourself!!

Forget all the hair washing and waking... why the FUCK are YOU making the picnic and driving to meet HIS friends? What, he can't drive?
Tell him to do it himself or piss off