Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Argument with DH over mornings

187 replies

Nevermind95 · 29/05/2021 08:33

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

OP posts:
SunnyMustard · 29/05/2021 12:28

Just coming to say this is probably a very common thing for new parents befor finding a system that works. Just had a similar situation this morning. Also we tend to be a bit irrational and overestimate our own input/workload so try and chat in the afternoon when you are both a bit calmer and have perspective.

Abouttimemum · 29/05/2021 12:32

We just split it 50/50 and I have no idea why people find this so difficult to do. When I was on mat leave, the times DH was out of the house at work and I had DS alone was our work time. I got no down time with DS at all, and DH doesn’t get down time at work.
The times we were both in the house was a fair game split with equal down time, including supporting overnight wakings.

Still now, DS is two, and on the nights DH does bath and bed I’ll give DS his tea and prep our dinner, and vice versa. Sharing the load is not rocket science.

Also, bollocks to the housework, wipe the benches and a quick tidy round will suffice, hoover round if needed. Takes 10 minutes.

FatCatThinCat · 29/05/2021 12:32

My DH is full time primary carer for DS at weekends and always has been. He doesn't see it as a chore, he wants to do it and feels like he misses out on parenting during the week. And he wants the full parenting experience, broken nights and all, not just the fun/easy stuff.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9-12 months old Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
SoLongSister · 29/05/2021 12:34

Whilst on maternity leave and when I went back to work - DP did all the evening feed and bath / bed routine (while I cooked dinner).

Saturday morning he took DC out food shopping while I had the lie in (till 11am) and on Sundays, while I took DC swimming / out for breakfast DP had the lie in.

Ozanj · 29/05/2021 12:35

@Nevermind95

Too much emphasis on hair washing - it's not relevant. It takes ages to do. If I did it in the 45 minutes I'd have no time to get dressed or put moisturiser on or do anything else, and it would still be damp. But again, not the point really.

We came up with daily 45 minute thing as a way to structure things after I felt I was waking up and immediately switching "on" to childcare with no break. I asked for the time so I can get ready in peace. I need it for my mental health frankly, to start the weekdays with a moment. I don't think it's unreasonable. Before we had that, I was feeling bleary eyed and still in pyjamas when day had started - made me feel crap. Baby wakes at 7, DH gets her dressed and looks after her till 7.45 then I take over and start my day with her.

We both said things we didn't mean. I think he was being v defensive. Yes he does the night wakings Fri and Sat which is good. But I still wake up and hear it all. Sometimes I'm prodding him because he sleeps deeply and doesn't hear baby crying immediately. So I don't feel too rested. Perhaps I should wear ear plugs on those two nights? But then I worry about baby.

I think that answers most questions.

I think it depends on what his job is. If he’s a truck driver or doctor / surgeon / in a trade where mistakes are life or death then fair enough. If he’s sitting on his arse in an air conditioned office / unit (or working from home) then he needs to split childcare when he’s not working.
Kinsters · 29/05/2021 12:37

DH lets me have a lie in both weekend days if I want (normally I do on Saturday but not Sunday as we have a nice breakfast and I prefer to get started earlier). He doesn't lie in unless he's had a bad night's sleep for some reason. I do all the night wakings which are mercilessly becoming fewer and fewer.

I shower in the evenings, no time in the morning.

HaveringWavering · 29/05/2021 12:49

He is being unreasonable but you should also consider getting your hair cut shorter.

Bimblybomeyelash · 29/05/2021 12:59

It sounds like you are both making this more complicated than it needs to be. TBH I can see why he is feeling stressed out if he is working long hours, but has to get up and look after the kids for 45 mins every day before he starts work. I think he’s probably had enough of that which is why he’s making a big deal of his 45 mins this weekend.

I think that you definitely deserve some time off at the weekend, but I think I you probably need to be more flexible during the week, and sometimes have a quick shower while the baby naps, or play don’t be bathroom floor.

Templetreebreeze · 29/05/2021 13:01

@BirthdayCakeBelly

“As you should” would have got this from me 🖕

Cheek. Take the time today. Let him do some parenting. Think about what it is you need/want and discuss tonight.

Same here! Fucking Dick! I think what people are missing if that if OP didnt insist on 45 mins in the morning she would get zero. Yep zero time to herself in 24 hours. She has to wake up on his nights as he doesnt and hes woken her on her lie in morning. I would have quietly walked to the car and gone out for the day if he had said " and so you should"
Itstheprinciple · 29/05/2021 13:17

I never got showered and ready with DH at home. He was out at 7:20am and I didn't want to get dressed then so I'd potter around with DD having breakfast etc for a while then I'd stick her in her cot or the jumperoo (which was in her bedroom) while I jumped in the shower. Then I'd bring her in our room with a few toys while I did my hair and make up and got dressed. I don't get this whole 'who is looking after the baby while I get ready thing". If he's up with the baby and you're not around (in bed or gone out) he'll just have to figure it out himself.

Itstheprinciple · 29/05/2021 13:22

The days would have felt very long if we'd both been up and dressed by 8! Obviously it was a different story when I was at work but I'm talking about when I was in mat leave. By the time we were both dressed it was more like 10am and then it would be snack time or time to go to whatever baby group we were off to that day.

Polkadots2021 · 29/05/2021 13:22

It is insane that your husband can't give you the space to have a bloody shower & give your hair a quick wash without a list of demands and 'the rules' established so he gets what's he's 'owed' in terms of time (time to not parent).

I'm sorry but this has nothing to do with specific time splits and what have you - but everything to do with being an uptight a-hole who is making your life a misery. Life doesn't have to be this miserable.

Kinsters · 29/05/2021 13:23

Templetreebreeze not zero time to herself? The baby will nap during the day and if baby is in bed before DH gets home then that's the evening free as well.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 29/05/2021 13:23

When are you going back to work? Offer to return immediately, and your family finances can fund a nanny for the equivalent of the childcare you're doing now. This may make him value your input more.

45 minutes a day is fine if that's your only non baby time. Are you getting out to groups etc ml

Deadringer · 29/05/2021 13:39

We always had a morning off each at the weekends. If you have to prepare the picnic and drive, (any reason why he can't do it?) then tomorrow is your morning off. The shower i don't get. Over the weekend either of you can pop up at any time during the day while the other watches the baby, no need for it to be a 'thing'. It all sounds very regimental tbh.

KittyKattyKate · 29/05/2021 13:49

You should have bailed out of the picnic. I would have.

HarrisMcCoo · 29/05/2021 14:00

Got two DC that are independent and get up when they want at weekends, but two DC who have additional needs. We divide and conquer. No one gets a long lie😂

Percypigg · 29/05/2021 14:12

Does his penis get in the way of sandwich making, quiche cutting, washing some fruit? I don't get it.

Rillington · 29/05/2021 14:36

I think you are very lucky to get 45 minutes to yourself every morning. My DH always started work early so I had to get up when my DC both woke up.

You both seem to be making it a woe is me competition.

Devlesko · 29/05/2021 15:31

@Rillington

I think you are very lucky to get 45 minutes to yourself every morning. My DH always started work early so I had to get up when my DC both woke up.

You both seem to be making it a woe is me competition.

I don't think 45 mins is any time to yourself. Why do women put up with less than 50/50 even sahp need a rest and their partner to do 50%.
RaeRaeMama · 29/05/2021 16:15

I would crucify him.

cupsofcoffee · 29/05/2021 16:21

@Rillington

I think you are very lucky to get 45 minutes to yourself every morning. My DH always started work early so I had to get up when my DC both woke up.

You both seem to be making it a woe is me competition.

Your DH having to get up early doesn't mean nobody else should be able to have time to themselves.

45 minutes a day is nothing.

tabulahrasa · 29/05/2021 16:47

He was an arse today...

But...

Why are you not just washing your hair in your 45 minute shower time, putting a bathrobe on, then getting the baby and going to dry your hair, do your moisturiser and what have you and then getting dressed after he’s left?

Rillington · 29/05/2021 16:49

@Devlesko @cupsofcoffee He wasn't here to help he was already at work. I had two under two at one point and could manage a shower without someone else looking after my children.

ThePlantsitter · 29/05/2021 17:01

I had two under two at one point with DH working long hours too. It nearly bloody killed me so well done for being so fantastically marvellous @Rillington here's your medal. 🥇 Just because you can do it doesn't make it easy for others.