Argument with DH over mornings

[Nevermind95]

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

Put her in the cot while you dry your hair with some toys?

Don’t dry your hair with toys... let her play with toys or a book in the cot 😂

Wow, thanks, you clearly bypassed my update this morning! 🤦‍♀️

“I really dislike the tone of posts that seem to suggest "motherhoods so easy, what's your problem?" “

That’s not what the - you just need to do things with a baby posts are about, well not mine anyway.

It’s that it is blooming hard going, but everyone is in the same boat with that sort of stuff.

Your DH is clearly being unsupportive and not pulling his weight... but to not do things like wash your hair is also kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face territory.

Unless they have staff or a partner that’s there all day, nobody has the ability to do keep parenting and general day to day things separate.

Your DH absolutely should be doing his fair share of parenting, but also you’d still probably have to find time with the baby around to do things like wash and dry your hair, so you’d be better getting in with that sort of thing and concentrating on the bigger issue.

@tabulahrasa the washing hair thing was blown out of all proportion in this thread by other people. I barely mentioned it in my OP - only as a throwaway comment. People have pounced on it as a chance to bring someone down though. Eg "can't you even manage to do a basic thing with a baby there..."

Telling people to just get on with it / suck it up is not helpful.

OP, people do understand how hard it is. I have been there and I'm sure most others on the thread have too. People are genuinely trying to help by saying that things do get easier once you can do the day to day stuff when by yourself with the baby (whether that's washing and drying hair or other stuff). We've all had mobile babies/ toddlers and know they can be buggers but even if they don't want to be put down they'll be fine on the floor of a room with some toys (or the telly on) and use doors or stair gates to keep them contained where they want to be. Some people have those big play pens too so they're contained to part of a room. At 11 months both of mine loved flashing toys and if I needed to do a quick job I'd close the curtains and do a 'light show' and that gave me 5 minutes of peace.

But getting on with it and sucking it up is what loads of people do.

I'm going to assume since you said the hair thing was blown out of proportion by PP that it's not that you have hair with complicated procedures?
When I had 1 I left her in her cot or put her in the childproof Ed bathroom while I showered. As that got complicated and had a second just over a year after the first I waited until DH (who left very early) got home for a shower.

What I cannot stress enough - especially with only 1 - is: sleep when they sleep

But, I missed off that I completely agree that your husband needs to pull his weight. If he wants to shower first thing on 'his' morning he should do it with the baby in the bathroom or wait until after your lie in and he 100% should have made his own picnic! He needs to be doing 50% of the childcare on non working days, not just 'help out'.

[quote Nevermind95]@tabulahrasa the washing hair thing was blown out of all proportion in this thread by other people. I barely mentioned it in my OP - only as a throwaway comment. People have pounced on it as a chance to bring someone down though. Eg "can't you even manage to do a basic thing with a baby there..."

Telling people to just get on with it / suck it up is not helpful. [/quote]
Hi OP, sleep deprivation is horrible, I think the 45 mins for yourself is a good idea. Sorry to mention hair washing again but in case this is helpful-! I have bought a hair drying turban towel in the last week and its great, bought it to cut the amount of time it takes to dry my daughters hair as she has thick hair and it takes ages to dry, its really made a difference.

My favourite thing at the moment is sitting in my car! Just for some peace and quiet and time alone. Hope the sleep improves. x

But no harm you really do need to get on with it.

A playpen with loads of flashing toys or something might be an idea where you can stick her to make a cuppa or wash your hair.

I’ve had 3. Trust me. With no1 it is magnitudes easier than with more than one.

Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving

If I was shattered, I’d have told him to take the kids alone. Why would you have to drive??

@Nevermind95 no, actually, I saw your update which said she crawls of the bed if you dry your head? I’m assuming your cot has sides so she can’t crawl off that?