Argument with DH over mornings

[Nevermind95]

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

I find this whole set up bizarre. You rota your showers?? How many kids do you have that you have to tag team?
Honestly the rules and timers just sounds ridiculous - crack on like functioning adults and then say "look husband/wife I'm shattered today do you mind getting up with the kids this morning so I can lay in". Help each other out. Work as a team? Communicate?

@Emanresus

I think you might be stressing yourself out more by having such set times for things. Could you be a bit more relaxed about it and ask the other to watch the baby while you shower, or put the baby on the bathroom floor with some toys while you shower? Having such rigid rules would just cause more friction for us.

I also agree with this. Being territorial over time like this makes you into rivals, and you need to be a team.

Why can't he shower when you get up. It doesn't have to be early. He could be getting on with breakfast for baby and the picnic while he's waiting then get ready when you're up while you tidy up loose ends for picnic dishes etc then you get ready. Not sure why his shower would take 45 mins tho. Doesn't seem like you've managed to get your morning off today but maybe talk about it properly for the future weekends calmly later today and ask him to quit the point scoring you're both exhausted.

I’d say the issue is that you’re doing all the childcare even when he’s at home. My DH works long hours, travels a lot and can be (pre covid) away for days and even weeks at a time. Our deal was that once he was home and childcare and all things domestic became team effort. Yes he might be tired & stressed, but so might I. At the weeekend he’d have Saturday lie in and I’d have Sunday. No bothering the other person until they got up and had a shower.

Our three dcs are now all over 18 and we still have a happy marriage.

Why are you making a picnic for a meet up with his friends (could you just stop at the shop on the way and buy yourselves a couple of sandwiches and crisps and then no one has to do it). I also don't understand the hair wash thing if you have 45 minutes in the morning every day to shower.

It isn't as rigid in our house but my children were awful sleepers when young so I usually got lie ins on both weekend days as I got up in the night. You have to find a way to work together.

Long term SAHM, so Dh had a Saturday morning lie in so it feels like a break after working 5 days, usually until about 9.30 or 10am. I wouldn't shower just get up with Ds.

Sunday mornings were my lie in again until the same time. Ds2 was a little different as he was a poorly baby so needed more care when he was older. This meant we worked on a shift pattern, we would be in bed for 10pm and if it was before 2am it was me, if it was after 2am it was Dh. It meant one of us got 4 hours. It was because Dh is able to fall asleep within about 3 seconds I however would be wide awake if I got up at 3am.

One of the best things Dh did was assume full responsibility just like I had to in the week on the weekends. This meant working out what you were going to do with a crawling baby when you needed a poo or how you were going to make yourself a drink with a child climbing your leg.

I may be completely wrong but lots of families fall into the whole weekend is family time which can lead to the Dad never having had responsibility by themselves for their child. Dh was very enthusiastic about it, loved being with his sons. Used to sometimes take them both out for a "boys' breakfast" leaving me behind. I also went away for weekends too, going to see friends and staying over.

My sons are now mid-late teens and are very close with Dh. I would let your Dh go to the picnic with your child and you stay home. Let him feel the weight of the responsibility of being the sole carer for a child.

you should both get a weekend day for a lie in

he should be sorting his own picnic for his work do if its your lie in day

there seems to be a lot of focus on showers first thing in the morning , you can shower during the day when he's at work. you can get the kid and yourself dressed when he leaves for work.

I think the 45 minutes for a shower is a 'can't see the woods for the trees' type thing. That's not what it's about.

OP is run down. She has a minuscule amount of time for herself during the week and is living on very broken sleep. She's very reasonably asked for a few hours to recharge once a week, and her husband is being a whinging prick about it, and has already set about trying to sabotage her down time.

Re: the washing her hair thing- for some women, particularly women of colour- washing hair takes a lot longer than 45 minutes

Sometimes people end up with these rules because otherwise one person doesn’t do very much...

I also wonder if you need to be a bit more flexible. How are you not managing to wash your hair? Mine is really thick so I can’t dry it straight after washing it or it would take ages. I am guessing yours is the same or you’d do it in the 45 minute slot. So. How about wash it in the sink/over the bath quickly at some point and dry it quickly an hour later. You can time the washing or the drying to be when your baby is napping. If you don’t get a chance to dry it, wet it again at say 8pm and dry it before bed.
It’s all a bit bonkers, but better than not washing it all week? Or just have a quick shower in the evening once the baby is asleep.
A lot of this comes with practice. It will get easier.

I'd say weekdays work ok for you so leave them. However you get left alone until say 10 at which point you get up and grab a shower then let him grab a shower (20 minutes each) then from 11 is family time.

Saturday night he does wake ups and you do the opposite - let him sleep in etc.

If you need to be out earlier in the day then you get as much done BETWEEN YOU the night before and the lie-in parent gets to sleep until as late as reasonable

If you have 45 minutes every mornigg by to get ready (if I read that right) why are you saying you can finally wash your hair like you haven't had a chance?

I find all this timed parenting, days on and days off, my time, your time stuff really weird. Don't most people just parent around each other and if something needs doing whoever is nearest does it and life just happens in a jumble

Why this obsession about showering and hair washing? It is not obligatory to both have a shower first thing every morning showers can be had at any time of the day. When my kids were little mornings were always busy so my DH and I had showers, hair washing and prep as much as possible for the next day at night. It’s not like you get filthy in bed and NEED a shower in the morning. It sounds like your DH is doing everything possible to avoid spending time alone with his child, you need to tackle this issue it’s not going to get any better. At this rate if your plan is to return to work you’ll then be doing everything as well as working.

I am a Sahp with a partner that works long hours and don't get 45minutes each morning, I usually shower with DD and give her a kindle or toys. I do get some time out on a Saturday morning to have a bath etc and I will let oh have time out over the weekend if he asks for it. DD now goes to nursery 2 mornings a week since turning 2 and the break is much needed. Defo let your partner take her to the park himself today for a picnic 🙌 he can learn how hard it is! He won't have a minute to talk to his friends.

I would be fucking furious about the "as you should" comment. I was a SAHM for a few years and honestly it will only work if the working partner respects and values the contribution of the SAHM.

He's also a twat for going on about the "rules" and making you sound petty when it's a very reasonable arrangement that you agreed upon together. You're meant to be a partnership! Not trying to score points off each other.

Honestly I would be considering going back to work if that's the only way to make him respect your role. I know that sounds drastic but being a SAHM is hard and it's MUCH harder if you're married to someone who thinks it's a doddle.

As a single parent I had to bring the baby into the bathroom with me to shower. I’m sure he could manage that once a week.

Those rules sound awful

It sounds as if he wants to spend as little time as possible with his child , apart from the token parenting on a Saturday morning

Sorry but it sounds like he does not really want to be a father (or partner?!)

He needs to step it up, and also help with the fucking picnic (why is everything your job?!)

Why is everyone so precious about working partners having lie ins- a baby is exhausting, broken sleep is torturous, throw in all the house chores and i think working looks like a breeze. I also suspect these “long hours” are just standard hours but men like to make their wives think they go above and beyond.
I think it’s simple, before 11am on a Saturday don’t bother me, figure it out and stop debating

Sounds to me like you’re working longer hours than him, but without pay, proper lunch breaks or rest at night. You’re both doing jobs. Does your DH work behind a desk? If so sleep deprivation for him is putting fewer people at risk, than you. If you don’t get rest and breaks, you could have an accident that could impact you and/or your DC due to exhaustion.
Relationships are about compromise. If your DH wants downtime, fine. When’s yours? Showering in the morning is part of your routine, not downtime. Unless you’re BF, he can share the nights too. He can also make the picnic and do the driving when meeting his friends. Tag along for the ride! You’re looking after your DC. You’re not being unreasonable expecting any of the above. You’re both parents and your job is just as important as his.

Wash your hair. As the driver you're in control of when you do or don't go to the picnic.

Why can't he make the sandwiches? Or pick up ready made stuff?

With my ex husband I never got a lie ie, he was a wanker. With my lovely husband, he did long hours, did his share at night, ran about with the older children and did his share of cooking and let me wind down a bit a the weekend without petty points scoring. He knew being at home with a baby was bloody hard work and realised that being a parent is something you both do. He's lovely and there is no chance of him being an ex.

Rules?!?

Fgs, this baby is 10 months old. He can find a way to have his shower, prepare a picnic whilst looking after his dd.
Atm he doesn’t know how. It looks impossible because he has never done it. Well tough, he needs to learn.

I’d remind him that if you were separated, he would have to look after his dd a whole weekend on his own. How would he cope?

What unholy time are you getting up to have an hour and a half for you both to get ready? I’d be having an extra 90 minutes of sleep and taking the baby in the shower with me.

But yeah, he is being a twat. If it’s your morning off then you are OFF. Not making a picnic. Tell him to go on the picnic by himself and you have a rest all day! And if you want to nit pick tell him he’s only caring for half of the day so he only gets 22.5 mins shower.

If your DD Is still in a cot could she just be left in there with some books/ toys why your husband showers? A shower only needs to be 5mins ish. He can then take her downstairs and give her breakfast! Or could she not sit on the bed with you for 5 mins while he has his shower?

Let this one go, and talk about it at another time when emotions aren't so high.
Working long hours is exhausting. Looking after a baby is exhausting. Sleep deprivation is exhausting. The general theme is you are both exhausted, which is why you are both irritable with each other.

Also, as a PP suggested, relax the rules. No wonder you are arguing.