Argument with DH over mornings

[Nevermind95]

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

[quote Rillington]**@Devlesko* @cupsofcoffee* He wasn't here to help he was already at work. I had two under two at one point and could manage a shower without someone else looking after my children.[/quote]
Nobody is saying it's not possible.

But her DH is home. So why shouldn't he give her some time to herself and look after his child?

Just because YOU did it alone, doesn't mean everyone else has to as well.

[quote Rillington]**@Devlesko* @cupsofcoffee* He wasn't here to help he was already at work. I had two under two at one point and could manage a shower without someone else looking after my children.[/quote]
You probably had late developers then. My son was shuffling really fast out of rooms by 4 months.

I always found it quite easy to have a shower with mine. I strapped them into the buggy where I could see them and put cartoons on the ipad.

The shower thing is confusing me. Whoever gets up with the baby should just get up, shower can come later, once you’re all up and about.

You probably had late developers then. My son was shuffling really fast out of rooms by 4 months

Lol at not shuffling really fast at 4 months being a late developer.

Don’t people just drop them into their cots for 10 min? Or bouncy chair on the bathroom floor.

If it’s my morning off, I stay in bed and sleep or if I sadly wake up early I read or play on my phone until mid-morning or until I get desperate enough for a cup of coffee. H gets up with baby and does breakfast and they play. He doesn’t shower, that can wait. If he wants to go out he throws on some clothes real quick and quiet and they go out. Again, no shower, no waking me up. It’s my morning To sleep in.

@xxxemzyxxx with all due respect if your baby is 8 months he's not going to be moving about nearly as much as DD. It's easy at 8 months as they just sit in one place. You can't just plop a nearly 11mo on the floor with some toys, walk away to prep breakfast and expect them to still be there when you're done.

@ThePlantsitter thanks your post was very helpful.

@maddiemookins16mum roughly 9am till 10pm. Occasionally earlier. A very high pressure type job without the conventional lunch breaks etc.

Thanks. Again too much emphasis on hair washing. Not really the point. We are happy with our weekday 45 minute thing anyway. As I said earlier that is time I can get ready in peace and collect myself before the start of the day. Very important for mental health and both of us feel it works.

Not sure if some people have forgotten what 10.5 month olds are like but DD wouldn't sit still and play nicely while I dry my hair! She'd be off like a shot!

Anyway thank you for the helpful comments. We both pretty quickly spoke and apologised to each other for cross words. We are both exhausted and run down. Me from baby lockdown life and him from his stressful job.

Oh and I forgot - I was scrolling back through and I can't find the poster who offered some advice on baby's sleep. I would really find that helpful though - if you are still reading! Thank you 🙏

Sounds like it. It's hard to coordinate everything and for it to feel 100% fair. I work part time and I accept that my little one is my responsibility on those days, but evenings and weekends I want just a little time to myself but it can feel like a battle when my hubby is also tired from work. We manage though, and there isn't too much resentment.
I choose my battles and wash my hair on a night, and try to make things as stress free as possible on mornings.
I think you should def get a morning to yourself on a weekend so I think your DH is being a bit unreasonable there. But I also understand he's probably tired from the very long work hours he's doing.

IMO give your little one to grandparents for a day or two and both have a lovely long lie in and lazy day to recharge!!

@Nevermind95

Thanks. Again too much emphasis on hair washing. Not really the point. We are happy with our weekday 45 minute thing anyway. As I said earlier that is time I can get ready in peace and collect myself before the start of the day. Very important for mental health and both of us feel it works.

Not sure if some people have forgotten what 10.5 month olds are like but DD wouldn't sit still and play nicely while I dry my hair! She'd be off like a shot!

Anyway thank you for the helpful comments. We both pretty quickly spoke and apologised to each other for cross words. We are both exhausted and run down. Me from baby lockdown life and him from his stressful job.

Of course she'll be off! I had a very high needs baby but even she managed in one room with the door shut. Even if she crawled/cruised around the bedroom while I got myself ready it didn't really matter. I had terrible anxiety as a first time mum but I didn't find getting ready stressful.

“Not sure if some people have forgotten what 10.5 month olds are like but DD wouldn't sit still and play nicely while I dry my hair! She'd be off like a shot!”

Well of course she’ll move about.... but where are you drying your hair that that’s an issue?

I agree with @DifferentHair. We alternate getting up with DD in the morning and doing bedtimes where we can. DP has a stressful high powered job and if he’s abroad or gets home from work at midnight I pick up the slack. Otherwise he pitches in. Seems totally fair to me - I look after DD when he’s working but around those times we share.

If I did everything in the week I’d expect a morning of downtime at the weekend at the very least. Looking after a baby is bloody exhausting.

I hope you took no offence to my post OP,, it wasn't my intention, I was just relaying how we do things which is what you were asking in your post.

My 8 month old may not be as advanced as your DD but he does not sit in one place and does not know the meaning of sitting still. He crawls, pulls himself up using the furniture, can walk around the room holding on to the furniture and pulls everything off shelves and out of draws 🙈 we built him a playpen in our living room so he has a safe space where he can move around and play without worry (may have been more useful if I actually mentioned that in my initial Response!).

I'm glad you and your DH have made up and hope you work out a way that works for you.

You need 45 minutes in the morning to feel human and you get it. He does do a few night shifts with the baby so you don't do them all. If you have a spare room go into it to sleep on your nights off or use ear plugs. At first you will wake when baby cries because you have become more attuned to hearing out for it but so will your oh eventually. As for baby not sitting in one place for long at that age, well its true many won't but do what you need to survive. So either plonk them in front of the TV for 30 minutes or put them in a playpen with toys so that you know they are safe and get on with what you need to do.

I had two children with a small age gap (ds was an unexpressed surprise) and I would take them both in the bathroom with me. Dd would get a book and a few toys, ds would be in the bouncer. You do what you need to quickly.

You wouldn't have had much chance at a lie in anyway with having to be up and ready as well as make a picnic to take so early. Maybe avoid making such plans on the day you get a lie in or if you do so wait till later on in the afternoon so you get more actual rest.

Playing the competitive tiredness thing will not get you very far. If you both want to make your relationship work then you need to knock that on the head. The biggest issue I think is that you are tired and need more help so either speak ro your or and explain you need more support or outsource what you can to make your life easier. I can't imagine my dh not taking over if he saw I was run ragged.

*unexpected

Playpen in front of the tv is your friend for a shower and hair wash/ dry (but I wouldn't bother drying my hair............................)

@Shadedog

You probably had late developers then. My son was shuffling really fast out of rooms by 4 months

Lol at not shuffling really fast at 4 months being a late developer.

Don’t people just drop them into their cots for 10 min? Or bouncy chair on the bathroom floor.

Lol at the privilege. At the time I had him I couldn’t afford a cot or a bouncy chair, and to save money his car seat was a permanent fixed in one rather than a removable one. I’m not the only one in that position either. Lockdown motherhood was a difficult time for a lot of us who were furloughed.

“Lol at the privilege. At the time I had him I couldn’t afford a cot or a bouncy chair, and to save money his car seat was a permanent fixed in one rather than a removable one. I’m not the only one in that position either. Lockdown motherhood was a difficult time for a lot of us who were furloughed.”

And you don’t have doors? Or anything at all you can block off doorways?...

Babies are hard work and yes it’s even worse when someone has a partner who works really long hours, or doesn’t pull their weight, or no partner at all.

But the reason people can do things like wash their hair with a baby isn’t because theirs is more compliant or because they have loads of free time, it’s because they just do things with the baby there.

Waiting to do things with no baby about isn’t ever going to work, that’s the point people are trying to make.

That doesn’t make it any less rubbish that for instance you’ve had a rough time due to lockdown and finances or the OP’s got a DH who’s being an arse.... but being a martyr and not doing real basic things like washing your hair isn’t going to help.

@tabulahrasa

“Lol at the privilege. At the time I had him I couldn’t afford a cot or a bouncy chair, and to save money his car seat was a permanent fixed in one rather than a removable one. I’m not the only one in that position either. Lockdown motherhood was a difficult time for a lot of us who were furloughed.”

And you don’t have doors? Or anything at all you can block off doorways?...

Babies are hard work and yes it’s even worse when someone has a partner who works really long hours, or doesn’t pull their weight, or no partner at all.

But the reason people can do things like wash their hair with a baby isn’t because theirs is more compliant or because they have loads of free time, it’s because they just do things with the baby there.

Waiting to do things with no baby about isn’t ever going to work, that’s the point people are trying to make.

That doesn’t make it any less rubbish that for instance you’ve had a rough time due to lockdown and finances or the OP’s got a DH who’s being an arse.... but being a martyr and not doing real basic things like washing your hair isn’t going to help.

Well at the time we lived in a small flat so no, there were no doors other than to the bathroom. Kitchen, living, bedroom was all open plan & no garden. I wasn’t the only one of my friends living like this with small children either. It was exhausting. If I went to the loo baby would go into the empty bath and in 5 mins ended up using his legs and arms to push himself up so he was almost out of it. This was at 3-4 months.

So stop assuming everyone has babies and lifestyles like yours. They really don’t.

“If I went to the loo baby would go into the empty bath and in 5 mins ended up using his legs and arms to push himself up so he was almost out of it. This was at 3-4 months.”

You’re missing the point...

No clue what lifestyle you’re assuming everyone else has tbh.

The point is, nobody gets peace to go to the toilet, everyone has sat on the toilet while wrestling with a wriggling baby, or moved a chest of drawers to block somewhere off, or showered while a baby crawled round the bathroom floor, or blow dried their hair in 2 minute bursts while also running around after a baby...It’s rubbish, but it’s completely normal.

Lol at the privilege. At the time I had him I couldn’t afford a cot or a bouncy chair, and to save money his car seat was a permanent fixed in one rather than a removable one. I’m not the only one in that position either. Lockdown motherhood was a difficult time for a lot of us who were furloughed.

lol at bringing a baby up in UK and thinking you lack privilege. I’m not playing poverty top trumps but you have a car seat and think you lack privilege. It’s pathetic. Nobody from my country has any of this shit. The OP has a shower ffs. We didn’t have a toilet. Not everybody’s life is like yours.

@tabulahrasa

“If I went to the loo baby would go into the empty bath and in 5 mins ended up using his legs and arms to push himself up so he was almost out of it. This was at 3-4 months.”

You’re missing the point...

No clue what lifestyle you’re assuming everyone else has tbh.

The point is, nobody gets peace to go to the toilet, everyone has sat on the toilet while wrestling with a wriggling baby, or moved a chest of drawers to block somewhere off, or showered while a baby crawled round the bathroom floor, or blow dried their hair in 2 minute bursts while also running around after a baby...It’s rubbish, but it’s completely normal.

I've been know to sit my baby in the bath with me whilst I showered. Bonus, baby gets to play in the water for a bit.

If I was drying my hair (which was rare) baby would just sit on the bed with me.

I really struggle to see why it's such a big deal?

I'm all for both parents having their baby free time, absolutely is a must. But playing the "whose more tired" game never ever ends well and just ends up in arguments.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I am sooo hoping that you left him to it, to look after his child and prepare a picnic and drive to the meeting with his friends

Don't martyr yourself just assuming that you have to give up your morning off to facilitate his meeting up with friends. What do you want to bet he would not for you.

This is not being awkward, just enjoy your time off properly.

I just caught up with this thread. I just wanted to say to the lady who seemed baffled that I can't put my baby on the bed while I dry my hair ... does your baby just sit still? If so lucky you! The reality for me (and countless others I'm sure) is that my 11mo DD is crawling and bottom shuffling everywhere and if I put her on the bed she'd be off the edge in seconds.

I really dislike the tone of posts that seem to suggest "motherhoods so easy, what's your problem?"

We should be supporting each other. I just listened to Woman's Hour which was about this whole issue, that women keep quiet about how hard and lonely motherhood can be.

So please can we stop trying to shame each other or say how easy you find looking after your baby. This is NOT representative. It's bloody hard. And it should be okay to say so. It doesn't mean we don't love our children.