Argument with DH over mornings

[Nevermind95]

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

Sorry i think this thread is crazy, i have 4 kids and always manage to shower daily with no issues while my partner is at work

Its not that big of a deal.......

I’m really curious how it takes 45 minutes to shower if you’re not even washing your hair!? If I don’t wash my hair I can usually be in and out of the shower in 5 minutes, maybe 10 if I choose to shave my legs. Even when washing my hair it doesn’t take more than 15 mins in the shower and that would still leave 30 mins to get dressed and dry it which would be plenty of time. I’m not saying it’s wrong to take 45 minutes in the morning if you need that for your mental health but am just really interested in what kind of shower routine you have going on that 45 minutes isn’t enough time to wash your hair?

Looking after a child all week is much more exhausting than working

see, this is so unhelpful!

For some mothers it is true.
For others mothers, it really isn't.

The competitive misery is causing more problems than solving any frankly.

@misspattylacosta actually I've EBF three babies, and continued to breastfeed each well into toddlerhood.

When I was exhausted, DH would happily get up, change their nappy, hand them back to me, snooze while I fed and then if they didn't go straight back to sleep he would get up again and rock them to sleep. DH can fall asleep at the drop of a hat whereas it takes me ages, it worked for us. In the morning after a bad night, I would feed the baby at 6am and he would look after the baby (including feed, dress, play with etc) until he left for work so I could catch up on sleep. And he wouldn't think of it as a favour or expect praise for it.

When they were 10 months and not being fed at every wake up, he would do his share as well.

This baby is 10 months, it's not a newborn that needs feeding every 2-3 hours. The Dad should be stepping in

Let him go to the picnic by himself with DD, and have a break.

Find a time when you're both calm and agree rules that will apply to both Sat and Sun mornings. If he wants an uninterrupted lie-in on Sundays, he needs to give you the same thing on Saturdays.

Sounds too regimented.

I don't understand your rules at all. I manage to shower etc fine when home alone all week. Can't your baby be in the same room as you while you dress and moisturize or do your hair in the evenings when they are in bed? Then have a lie in on your morning off & DH can take baby in bathroom if he has to shower.

You both sound like you are making a massive meal of looking after one 10 month child. There is no point in having a morning to lie in if you still have to get up at 7 to look after the baby until your shift ends at 7.45. There is no reason why the shower rota has to be so strict or moisturiser can’t be put on A- in approximately 15 seconds or B- later or C- in front of the baby.
Obviously your DH is being an arse about the rules and not knowing how to make a picnic and “as you should”. YABU to say the showering is irrelevant when practically your whole post is based on showering. You both would like you think of your baby as a massive chore and you aren’t interested in the happiness of each other. It’s fine to have a quick shower and wear a hat. It’s fine to catch up on sleep in the afternoons or have an early night.

Personally I’ve always thought having ‘time off from baby’ with a newborn isn’t compulsory, it’s an ideal.

As a former lone parent I had zero time away until mine started nursery for a couple of hours a week. No childcare/family/absent father nearby. Time to myself was during baby naps. First baby woke every two hours throughout the night dusk till dawn for feeds. Those were hard times. Next baby slept right through the night though, dusk til dawn .

Express some milk and let your husband do the babycare, night feeds, housework, cooking and cleaning for 24 hours, then he’ll understand better that you being ‘off every day’ on maternity leave whilst he slogs his work guts out every day, is just as exhausting and time consuming.

My view is different though, I would just sacrifice any time off for a couple of years until child starts nursery. Have to be prepared to make life changing sacrifices if you choose to have children, or if you want it all (career, baby, orderly home life, time off), accept the minutiae of stressful variables you’ll need to navigate around to achieve that, as you’re currently anticipating.

It all seems like a lot of drama over not very much, really.

If your DH is home, I really don't understand why you can't just get in the shower and leave him to it? He can stay in bed with DD if he wants, but I wouldn't be falling into the routine of a "rota" over who can shower and when.

The thing about night wakings is not only are they knackering but they can feel really, really lonely too. If you are spending the whole week with your baby that will add to the loneliness too.

All the hairwashing, lie-ins etc are red herrings. You and DH need to find a way to feel like a team again before you plan any more logistical stuff. It may be that you are going to have to be the one to crack first in the interests of the relationship - not by conceding any free time or whatever, just by saying something like 'you seem tired.' The first few months of a baby's life are brutal for everyone but keeping really solidly on each other's side helps.

Your DH is being ridiculous.

I'd stay home today, frankly. Tell them all to enjoy and get some rest.

The "As you should" remark would have drawn an immediate and massive "Get to fuck" from me.

No way on earth I would have been making a picnic for anyone after that. I wouldn't drive him either. If he still wanted to go to the picnic he could make his own food and drive himself. Hell, he might even find himself having to take baby to the picnic on his own and doing some parenting. Even a grovelling apology would not have me backing down.

I'd be staying at home.

As for the rest of it, it sounds far too regimented. Why is anyone trying to pin down showers to the very minute? Just go in when the shower is free. Go with the flow. Stop timetabling when who is doing what and just get on with it.

My view is different though, I would just sacrifice any time off for a couple of years until child starts nursery. Have to be prepared to make life changing sacrifices if you choose to have children, or if you want it all (career, baby, orderly home life, time off), accept the minutiae of stressful variables you’ll need to navigate around to achieve that, as you’re currently anticipating.

Why is it necessary to do this when there are two parents who can give each other a break?

Is it just mum who has to do this or dad as well?

I’m always so amazed when DH’s think the wife needs to do everything because they’ve “been at work all week”. If doing boring house stuff is so easy, they can do their bit then, surely?

DH tried to pull the “I go out to work all week” after we had DS1, when he was coming home and sitting on his arse watching tv each evening. We also used to point score on who was more tired.

In the end we realised that we both work bloody hard, one out of the house in an office, the other at home keeping a child alive. We also used to share night wakings as there was no way in hells chance I was driving tired with a baby in the car. If we were going anywhere, the driving parent got a full night sleep.

When we are both at home and not working, it is fair game to look after DC and get house tasks done.

I work a few evenings a week from home, and have 9 week old and 3.5 year old at home - I do what I can in the week house wise, but don’t break my back over it.

Saturdays I stay in bed usually as I work, and as I’m home based anyway, I can literally just turn the laptop on at 9am from bed. DH always gets the Sunday and stays in bed until 9/9.30 ish.

Whoever is having the lie in gets a shower first, then the next person has theirs once the other comes down. If we need to prepare a picnic, whoever got up with the kids does it while the other is having their lie in.

I don’t know how hands on your DH is with your DD, but I let my DH get on with it and learn (just like I had to learn!). It can be tempting to just do stuff to get it done.

You both need to work as a team, and let him sort his own picnic! You stay home today and catch up on sleep & wash your hair, and start afresh tomorrow

It sounds as though you've felt the need to apply a reasonably rigid timetable/rules because your husband lacks a basic appreciation for you and what you do to look after the house and the DC you have together. So you can't trust him tk go with the flow because he'll take the piss.

Threads like these make me appreciate what an effective tag team my husband and I have always been. It’s awful to see how selfish people can be towards each other.

Going to work is much easier than looking after a baby. My husband got up in the night whether he was working or not. We shared the responsibility. We took turns giving each other lie ins and we would nap when the baby napped during the day.

From what it sounds like you may as well be a single parent for all the parenting he’s doing. No doubt he calls it babysitting when he does care for his own child. He’s falling way short.

Define ‘long hours’. 7am - 11pm six days a week or 8.30-6pm five days a week.
You see it a lot on here, DH works long hours, turns out it’s just a regular full time job.

Jeez when both my ds’ were babies their dads (different dads) would have been happy if I hadn’t taken over until teatime! They both cherished every minute they had. They would have both wrapped them up and taken them out as well as all the feeding and changing.

I’ll be honest all these threads of crap dads are totally alien to me and I honestly can’t understand these men. Enjoy your children for heavens sake they aren’t babies long!

DH and I have never scheduled our getting up and weekend mornings like this? How peculiar?

DH was a shift worker so slightly different but if he woke up when the kids did he would just get up with them. Same for me. We didnt argue over lie ins. Our youngest woke through the night every 2 hours till she was 14 months old to feed (EBF) and I'd still get up of a morning or I'd tell DH inwas knackered and he would happily take over for a morning.

Showers, well, with young kids they become less important to do every day. I'd squeeze it in during the kids 10am nap when they were little, or plant them in our baby proofed lounge for 10 mins to grab a quick one. Better still, in their cot.

I think you're both making a mountain out of a mole hill here and trying to schedule such mundane unnecessary tasks as a daily shower and face moisturise is bonkers.

I suspect OP means 45 mins to shower and get dressed, not just shower. I must admit, that is a lot of time. I admit I’m high maintenance in terms of my appearance but I can do it all in 20 minutes when I don’t wash my hair, but 45 minutes when I do wash hair (I have long thick hair). I just rush through it all, rather than slowly take my time.

Re the “as you should” comment, I actually read that in response to OP saying she has one lie in, rather than does all the work, so OP should have that one lie in one weekends.

I have a 9 week old so still new to everything, but on the weekends I have one lie in and DH has one lie in. My lie ins are regularly interrupted as I EBF, but DH will wait until he is sure DS is hungry before waking him up, instead of simply fussing.

Weekdays it’s all on me, but DH wakes up half an hour earlier to give me time to shower and get dressed for the day. If I’m too tired to wake up that early, I carry on sleeping with DS, and try and find the time to shower during the day, though I’m regularly in PJs till 1pm!

I am really struggling to see what the issue is. Working long hours is tiring, being at home with the baby is tiring.
I have a lie in on Saturday, hubby on a Sunday we both stay in bed until 9ish each morning. Our child is now 4 years old and is an early riser - 6.30am is a lie in!
When I was on mat leave I did all the night feeds until I went back to work.
You need to find a balance.

What did others do?

My dh did night feeds at weekend and I had a lie in both days.
He worked at weekends (musician) but thought it only fair I got a break, and he has always done more than his share with everything.
You've got a dud who thinks you should do everything.

BB is 14 weeks- I do night wakeups (generally 3:30 and 5, if she woke up more I would do more) bc she's ebf.
Weekdays- We usually get up between 6 and 7, hubs asks me if there's anything he can do to help before jumping in the shower. After he gets out of the shower we all go downstairs together and he plays with her while I make our breakfast and his lunch. He'll usually take out the trash or empty the dishwasher too depending if she's fussy or not. I take my shower during her morning nap. For what it's worth I usually wash my hair 2-3 times per week but generally only blow dry it one of those times (usually Fridays when my mom comes up to help). When he gets home he immediately takes over parenting so I can make dinner and does the majority of taking care of her till bedtime (she's usually only up for an hour or two after he gets home)
On weekends- I still do the 5 am feed, if I'm tired and she's fussy/doesn't go back to sleep after I usually ask him to rock her. Or sometimes I'll bring her into bed with us (with safe co-sleeping precautions) and we get a few more hours of sleep. When we wake up we usually just take turns taking care of her, usually we each get one big nap over the weekend where the other watches her.
He loves spending time with her and doesn't see parenting her as a chore (which I am grateful for but feel is a low bar for being a dad!) I'm not shy about piping up if I'm tired and need a break and neither is he, he never makes me feel bad about it if I need to rest.
I agree you should get a long sleep in on the weekend if you need it, can you also plan less activities on the weekends so that either of you could nap of you're tired? It sounds like you might both be worn out. Your partner should also definitely have some time where he is completely the primary parent (you.might need to leave the house for this) so he gets used to leaping in regularly instead of leaving you to do everything. I would be quite annoyed by the lack of help on weeknights tbh.

When he is at work and you are in sole charge, there will be times every day when the baby is asleep or gurgling to himself when you MUST take time for yourself.

Housework, cooking, laundry, texting, are not important. If they don't get done the sky won't fall on your head. What matters, is you getting a break and some time to yourself. You have that opportunity during the week, make the most of it.

Have a bath. Sit on the sofa and read a book or listen to music or watch TV. If you have a garden and it's warm/ sunny, go outside, sit in the sun, read book/potter with plants. Do yoga, lie on the floor and do nothing at all. This is your time.

Once you do that, you'll get a better perspective on your DH;s time at work and his needs for downtime at home. You are the lucky person who gets more freedom to manage your own days. He only gets weekends.

It's all a big adjustment to having a baby, and as the baby grows you and DH both need to be flexible, Encourage DH to do as much with and for his baby as possible. DONT CRITICISE how he does it. If he is late, slow, totally cack-handed at baby bathing, dressing, feeding, burping. nappy changes, the amazing fact is, the baby won't notice or care. They bond and enjoy it at their own level.

. What matters is, stepping back and letting father and baby build (cobble together) their own relationship.

My kids are middle aged. Their relationship with their father, is very different from their relationship with me, and the older I get the more I realise that is a very good thing for all of us.