Argument with DH over mornings

[Nevermind95]

Just had a blazing row with DH and looking for perspective. We have a 10mo I look after all week. Husband works very long hours so aside from 45 minutes each in the mornings to shower and get dressed, the rest of the day I do all parenting / childcare right up till baby is asleep. I then do all night wake ups during the week (at the moment quite a few due to sleep regression). We agreed Saturday mornings are my time for myself. DH looks after DD. He said he was keen to do this anyway as he wants to spend time with her.

This morning he's in bed asking about how long he gets to shower and get ready etc and generally going on about "the rules" so it's fair. He says if I get a morning off then so should he - fair enough I say. He can have Sunday's. Then he's going on and on about what the plan etc, how long will he have to shower given that I get 45 minutes every weekday. I felt like he was nagging and point scoring. I said look it's just my morning off after doing 5 nights of night wake ups and having DD all week and he replied "as you should". This really pissed me off! We ended up having an argument.

Also this morning we are going on a picnic with his friends, and need to leave at 11. Plus I'll be making the picnic and doing the driving. So basically my morning off has gone out the window. His response to that was "fine, don't come".

I'm basically really tired and just wanted a relaxing start to the day and to wash my hair at last.

What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?

My child wasn't a great sleeper and it can grind you down after a couple of days - the longer it goes on, you can lose it a bit.

OP, if the problem is that you are ground down with lack of sleep address that - set aside a specific day or weekend to catch up with some sleep but as a one-off occasion. Don't make it into a rigid rule that has to be followed going forward. I was a SAHM and did all the night wakings as well, I know what it's like. I used to have a sleep in on a Saturday morning to catch up.

Is the 45 minutes in the morning before the baby wakes up or is that your husband caring for the baby in that time.

I get that you are tired and need to catch up on your sleep. Sort that out, but don't turn it into the Top Trumps of Tiredness as you don't have to prove anything.

Let him off by himself with the kids, and with food he prepares himself, to meet his friends for the picnic. You stay at home & have some chill time. Let him explain your absence. I wouldn't give a rat's ass about appearances....if you do, he relies on that to prevent you showing him up for being a twat. Take your time out & let him do some parenting today on his own... (well, with his friends so a bit easier!).

'What do other couples do about weekends / time to yourself etc where one is SAHP / maternity leave and the other works? How do you arrange having a morning off - if that's a thing?'

Our split was whoever was looking after the baby looked after the baby, and certainly didn't expect the other person to spend 45 mins waiting while they got showered and dressed. That's bonkers. Use a bouncy chair in the bathroom, while you shower, cot in the bedroom while you dress. There will initially be a bit of fuss while the new routine settles but you can ride that out.

Send him to the picnic with LO. Stay home and have a shower and get some sleep. If he doesn't want to drive, he can take a taxi/public transport (and rearrange where he's meeting his friends if that's not possible). If you're extremely tired, you shouldn't really be driving anyway.

There are a few separate issues here:

• He's not around to help during the week.
• He doesn't pull his weight at weekends.
• He doesn't respect you.

You need to address them separately.

• Most SAHMs get some help from their partners in the evenings during the week. You don't. He needs to pay for a babysitter one afternoon a week so you can catch up on rest/sleep or go get some exercise. Do something for you. He's not around to help so he needs to outsource his responsibilities to someone else.
• Weekends, he needs to step up. If it's your lie in, no one should talk to you, demand anything of you or disturb you until the agreed end time.
• Don't put up with the disrespect. Call him out every single time. Ask him if he fancies being a separated parent in the future because you're not staying long-term with someone who doesn't respect you. It sets a terrible example for your child.

We also do one weekend morning each for a lie in.

Whoever has DS will grab him when he wakes, give him some milk and laze either upstairs or downstairs but on the understanding the other one is sleeping/chilling and not 'on duty'. They give him breakfast and play etc.

9.30 is usually the limit to lie ins and at that point we all get up. So neither of us showers or gets up before then. We then take it in turns to watch DS but he's nearly 18 months now so as long as he's 'secure' he can be left to play while someone showers so it's not entirely necessary for someone to keep watch.

Oh, and I understand the fuss about showers/hairwashing. I had a velcro baby and my DH also works very long hours. I once went a week without having a shower without really realising it, I was so sleep deprived. Basic self-care is important.

These threads always baffle me. Both my parents worked full time in physically demanding jobs. My mum was night shifts so dad had us from 7pm until he dropped us off at the childminder on his way to work in the mornings. At weekends he had us all night and the whole of the next day and he managed to maintain a very time consuming hobby as well as visiting relatives and getting the shopping/running errands. All with us in tow since we were both 14 weeks old. And there is a small age gap between us, less than 18 months so it was fun for a lot of that time some of these men I read about on MN don’t know they’re born having to just do one morning a week with their child!

I'd book an exercise class or something on Saturday mornings and then take myself for coffee afterwards (is that allowed where you are?)

It doesn't solve the bigger problems but in the short term it will prevent his attempts to undermine your time off

He'd hate me. My weekend lie in can be up till midday. He knows and appreciates with the kids I don't always get time to look after myself. The other day for example Dd3 was playing up. Everytime she was dressed she undressed herself in tantrum. The 1 Yr old is ill and the teen, well is a teen!
That day I'd got to school run before realising I hadn't even brushed my teeth! It was honestly one of them mornings.. I also do lots for his dc when here.
The other weekend. He came up and said o don't know how you do it! I said because I do? I don't think about it. I just do it.

Yesterday he left 8am home at 11.30pm! He had overtime then something went wrong at work so delayed. I was knackered as toddler poorly. 2 seperate school runs. Builder for most of the day and grocery shopping.
1st thing he said this morning was tomorrow is your day off.

Too much emphasis on hair washing - it's not relevant. It takes ages to do. If I did it in the 45 minutes I'd have no time to get dressed or put moisturiser on or do anything else, and it would still be damp. But again, not the point really.

We came up with daily 45 minute thing as a way to structure things after I felt I was waking up and immediately switching "on" to childcare with no break. I asked for the time so I can get ready in peace. I need it for my mental health frankly, to start the weekdays with a moment. I don't think it's unreasonable. Before we had that, I was feeling bleary eyed and still in pyjamas when day had started - made me feel crap. Baby wakes at 7, DH gets her dressed and looks after her till 7.45 then I take over and start my day with her.

We both said things we didn't mean. I think he was being v defensive. Yes he does the night wakings Fri and Sat which is good. But I still wake up and hear it all. Sometimes I'm prodding him because he sleeps deeply and doesn't hear baby crying immediately. So I don't feel too rested. Perhaps I should wear ear plugs on those two nights? But then I worry about baby.

I think that answers most questions.

The adult who is on duty for the morning outs their clothes in the hall the night before and then has aquick 2 min shower while baby is in a bouncy seat in the hall (with the bathroom door open).

Or

The adult who is on duty throws a track suit on and showers later when the other parent is up.

We alternated lie ins on the weekend, they stopped at about 9.30am. If there was an activiy that interfered one weekend we just balanced it out with an afternoon nap or something similar that the person who missed out got to choose

How long is it taking you to get dressed and put moisturiser on?

Was hair, leave to dry naturally, finish drying when baby has nap?

@Nevermind95

Too much emphasis on hair washing - it's not relevant. It takes ages to do. If I did it in the 45 minutes I'd have no time to get dressed or put moisturiser on or do anything else, and it would still be damp. But again, not the point really.

We came up with daily 45 minute thing as a way to structure things after I felt I was waking up and immediately switching "on" to childcare with no break. I asked for the time so I can get ready in peace. I need it for my mental health frankly, to start the weekdays with a moment. I don't think it's unreasonable. Before we had that, I was feeling bleary eyed and still in pyjamas when day had started - made me feel crap. Baby wakes at 7, DH gets her dressed and looks after her till 7.45 then I take over and start my day with her.

We both said things we didn't mean. I think he was being v defensive. Yes he does the night wakings Fri and Sat which is good. But I still wake up and hear it all. Sometimes I'm prodding him because he sleeps deeply and doesn't hear baby crying immediately. So I don't feel too rested. Perhaps I should wear ear plugs on those two nights? But then I worry about baby.

I think that answers most questions.

You are finding excuses to his behaviour already.

And it sounds like he is resentful of having to be the parent in charge for. 45 mins each day....

I don't think you mentioned originally that he did Fri/Sat night wake ups - that does make a difference. I think after two nights sleep it isn't in fact fair that you're meant to also get a lie in on the Saturday morning. He also needs to catch up on some sleep. Sorry but I'm kind of with your DH now you've explained it.

What’s the plan if you go back to work Op? Up until 6 months I did it all as DH worked crazy hours.
I went back to work full time when DD was 6 months old, DH and I both work full time - 45hour plus weeks in emergency services. It’s tough I won’t lie however we do alternate days, DD at nearly 20 is still a crap sleeper and we have to get up in the night with her. Whoever gets up in the night gets up with her at 5/6am when she wakes the other person gets to sleep till 630 am when we need to get ready for work.
Weekends are again alternate, we don’t get a morning off or a morning to ourselves but we get a lay in, by lay in really it’s only till 8.30ish but it helps.
I’d not have it so rigid as an amount of time.
Also can you look at something to do in the evenings? A hobby for you? Some you time.

You could also look at putting DD in nursey a few mornings a week to give you some
Respite. Parenting is hard, but you both need to work together and not against each other

Nearly 20
Months 🤣🤣🤣🤣

So basically he finds it hard to accept that your working hours are 24/7 and he begrudges you a few hours on a Saturday morning?

What a prince among men.

If he’s doing both weekend nights then you’re asking him to get up both mornings as well why can’t he have 45 minutes for a shower a shit and a shave same as you get time to shower and moisture?

What are you going to do when you go back to work?

We have a 10 month old and also 2.5 year old. We don’t have ‘mornings off’ at all because it would cut into the weekend so much and we like getting up in the morning and getting shit done anyway. We just get on with both feeling a bit tired and having rushed showers!

You both sound tired and like you’re trapped in a cycle of petty point scoring. If possible, he could do with reducing his hours.

I think you need to be less regimented in some ways. I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact time it takes me to get ready in a morning, we just kind of go with the flow of it all. Way to much emphasis is being put on the showers. It's not difficult to shower with children. You either shower and leave the kid in their cot or bouncy chair in the bathroom, or you shower on a night when they are in bed. Obv it doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight on a weekend as much as he should but all this moaning about showers etc sounds like 2 people who are both tired tbh.
If it makes you feel better I get up, get dressed etc in no more than 15 minutes during the week as I prefer sleep.

Call his bluff and don't go to the picnic! Let him do some full time child care.

Then going forward you both get a weekend day to have a lay in.
Although 45 mins for you every day is generous. I dont emember getting any time at all when my son was that age! I showered when be napped.
My son is 21months and my husband does both weekend mornings because I'm so exhausted being pregnant again.

And this is why I became a single parent. Much easier!

@rookiemere

They both get up at 7am during the week.
OP does 5 nights of night feeding/waking whileher husband sleeps all night long.

Then the husband does 2 nightvwakings, but OP still needs to wake up to prod him awake as he sleeps through the crying.

And you're saying that its unfair her to have to one lie in? The plan is that she will get on weekend day lie in and he gets the other.... but you're saying that unfair because he does 2 nights with the baby? After she has done 5? Really? Can you explain why you think that?

The op needs to get ear plugs or go to a different room and completely ignore the baby. Put a monitor on loud beside her husband if need be.

I don't know what is totally fair @Librariesmakeshhhhappen I just feel I understand the husbands position a lot more now that I know this is on top of a night of broken sleep. As @Landedmydreamjob says OP needs to wear ear plugs or move to another room if other person is on baby duty, it will not be the end of the world if baby has to wait a few more minutes before being fed or comforted.