Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

ex estate agent here. I can't tell you the number of old people, mostly widows, that I have seen living in one room downstairs because they can no longer manage the stairs. The house deteriorates round them. They call us in, under family pressure for a valuation but can't face moving. They have left it too late. It is so sad and I will never let it happen to me.

Scary thought. To be honest I’d plan to stay where I am, invest in a stair lift, gardener and cleaner (like my mum). If money becomes an issue then I suppose I’d move if I had to.

@Buddywoo Interesting. What do you reckon is the right age to downsize?
(Assuming no pressing health issues).

We are thinking about it and decluttering but the idea of leaving the home we raised children in is daunting. Plus, we still host our adult DC quite a lot as their own homes are smaller.

Because they've paid a mortgage all their life and they love their home? I'm planning to retire in my very impractical farmhouse thank you very much!

hey, they have memories attached to their home, its not about the practicalities. share the cost of a gardener with your siblings at a cost of a tenner a week. the bird is 90, let her be.

that said - like you i am aware of the responsibilites my kids may have and will put in place services accordingly

We have three DC and a big house and garden. We will definitely down size and release some money towards our retirement - we're aiming to do that in our early 60s (our kids will be in their late 20s by then). Also it will be a lovely family home for some other family!

At a much later stage, when I'm unable to live independently, I'm very happy for the DC to stick me in a care home and I'll be telling them that. I have no wish to be a drain on their lives. My mum has said the same to me!

That's fine bobbie. But what if your adult dc have to facilitate you carrying on in that house? Not just financially but in other ways?

We are fortunate to live in accommodation that comes with DH’s job so will be forced to make a decision about where we live at around 65 (we own a rental property to pay for this). Hopefully by then the kids will have long flown the nest so we can make a sensible decision based on future needs.

PIL on the other hand have spent the last 20 years definitely moving ‘next year’ and are now in serious danger of missing the window to move from a house that is rapidly becoming unsustainable for them.

For day to day living, I love the idea of a small but perfectly appointed bungalow with a courtyard garden, even now and I'm only in my 50s. Then I think won't have anywhere for my sons or grandchildren to stay or space to host a big family Christmas...

I'm not even sure that perfect bungalows with courtyard gardens exist

My 70 year old very fit Auntie and her DH have just bought a bungalow. I asked her why since she didn’t need a bungalow, she replied no she didn’t - yet!
We tried to persuade my Mum to move somewhere more suitable about 6 or 7 years ago but she didn’t want to. She then spent over a year living downstairs until she got a stairlift but the house still isn’t great for her. Unfortunately her health and her DHs has deteriorated to the extent that they can’t face a move now.
So I will move to somewhere suitable for someone with mobility issues before I have any

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is having space for adult children and grandchildren to stay. More visits if you have spare rooms I suppose.
I don't think my grandmother was ever the same again after moving away from her home of 40+ years.

There comes a time (80s, 90s) when you're too old to host a big family Christmas. At that point you should be invited out (?)

I know it's a question of timing.

I live in a large house with large garden that I've brought my children up in. But I'm not going to cling onto it for sentimental reasons! At some point the 4 flights of stairs will become a problem. Why not move out rather than installing a stair lift?

I've been thinking about this, there are some maisonettes with gardens backing onto a beautiful recreation ground and I'd like to buy a ground floor one as a rental in a few years with a view to moving into it in old age (I'm 38 now). They aren't the prettiest buildings on the outside but are on a quiet street, decent dimensions, stunning view and walking distance/bus route to town.

People think I'm mad thinking that far ahead!

If all the retired child free people move out of the big family houses and let the younger generations move in, they will have space to host the big family Christmases and we won’t have to cook

@DancesWithFelines

I've been thinking about this, there are some maisonettes with gardens backing onto a beautiful recreation ground and I'd like to buy a ground floor one as a rental in a few years with a view to moving into it in old age (I'm 38 now). They aren't the prettiest buildings on the outside but are on a quiet street, decent dimensions, stunning view and walking distance/bus route to town.

People think I'm mad thinking that far ahead!

Yes, you're wishing your life away a bit.

My parents, 65 and 70ish are currently having their house (fairly large property with garden) done up to facilitate them staying there in old age. They're having a bedroom, bathroom / disabled but still stylish shower etc. Kitchen with ovens and storage that doesn't require bending down. Stairs moved to allow for a life. Garden landscaped to be more manageable. They've gone through everything. It's very practical but quite sad... they still have plenty of good years, I hope.

I’m only in my 30’s but I already have a rough plan. Yeah nice my DD has moved out and I’m fairly confident she won’t need to return for any significant period I plan to downsize considerably. If I got a sniff of any degenerative illness, either DH or I, I’d maybe bide my time slightly longer and move directly to sheltered housing. I plan to move closer to the centre of the town I’m already in so that I am walkable to amenities and train station so that I and can potter around town in my retirement.

I hope I’ll see moving out the family home as giving another family a chance to make really good memories that we’ve had the chance to do!

Once all my children fly the nest I will sell my 4 bedroomed house and set myself up in a nice 2-bed. I will use the released equity to help my children set themselves up in their own homes.

I will very much mind when I can’t live independently though.

It is nearly an impossible dilemma. I would say to start with to let go of the idea that there is a perfect solution that will make everybody happy if you can just find it. An older frail person is in a difficult situation wherever they are. My mother's living place is an ongoing family nightmare that has been going on for 5 years

For me - I like my house but I'm not so passionate about it that I can't contemplate moving, and the stairs are terrifyingly steep, my mother certainly can't climb them. So current plan is to move into a 3 bedroom flat with a balcony or a small garden when I retire at 67. Trouble is, the UK basically not believing in apartment living means that 3 bed flats are relatively rare. But they do exist and I want to give myself time to find one.

@2tired2bewitty

If all the retired child free people move out of the big family houses and let the younger generations move in, they will have space to host the big family Christmases and we won’t have to cook

The retired people probably still want to host though in their 60s and 70s. They've probably filled their houses with junk as well as people tend to do and downsizing would be a huge job. I do think underoccuppied houses play a massive part in the housing crisis.

I've said for a long time that as a housing policy it would make much more sense to give financial incentives to the over 70s to downsize than it does to support 'first time buyers' into new builds.

"So current plan is to move into a 3 bedroom flat with a balcony or a small garden when I retire at 67. Trouble is, the UK basically not believing in apartment living means that 3 bed flats are relatively rare. But they do exist and I want to give myself time to find one."

Why not a bungalow then?

OP - in my experience, views change...

My parents were part of a gang of friends as we grew up - seven couples. They were all adamant that they would downsize and move into sheltered accommodation, so as not to be a burden to us children. They even discussed moving into one of the old peoples' homes in the centre of the village, with the plan of continuing their social life altogether.

They are now all in their 80s and 90s. Only one, widowed, has made the move into a bungalow, and another has sadly has had to go into a home with advanced dementia.

All the others are still in their old, now mostly not really appropriate ( and in some cases completely inappropriate), family homes. And all say they now don't want the upheaval of moving. They also all still say they don't want us children to have to take on any responsibility, but in practice there is little alternative.

I know they meant what they said at the time, but I suppose - without a crisis - it never comes to be the right day when you feel you are ALMOST at the point when you can't manage, but still feel up for moving and starting again in a new home.

I have told my brother I want to move to a future-proofed bungalow in time, and have told him which dementia home I would prefer, should the need arise, but that time is not yet. Will I still be so sensible when the time comes? Will I recognise that time?

OP I think you are being very black and white about this.
I guess most people do not really want to accept they are getting older, you may understand more about this when your time comes.
I work in the caring services but not in a carers capacity. It is quite heartbreaking when we get new residents who have great difficulty in accepting they are never going home.
I do not want to be a burden to my children but I know for sure that I do not want to end up in either supported living or a care home.

That was my pil. Drove me mad.
My own dmum is 80. She has moved into a privately rented semi sheltered flat. Rent is 750 a month. Her house has sold so she has 300k in the bank. Retirement flats are not a good investment,hard to sell so she is happy with cash in the bank to pay for any care, no maintenance or anything to worry about and has a lifetime tenancy.