Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

I’ve started conversations about this with my husband now! My parents should be making this move now (in my opinion... not theirs!) and I don’t want to leave it too late. I fancy a retirement apartment in a complex of others with central facilities etc. So you can be as independent as you want when you first go and join in what you fancy and then more support is available when you get older and potentially need more care. Very sheltered accommodation I think it is called. My grandparent was GP and did this in their early 70s having seen the resulting impact on many other elderly people who couldn’t face making this decision early enough.
I view it as a more civilised version of university halls for the elderly! I loved uni for being surround by oodles of people in the same stage of life as you so you had lots of them to choose from to find your tribe and people who liked doing what you liked doing.

@QioiioiioQ

I would rather go into a home than be a burden on my kids People say this and they speak if they are at liberty to choose between these two options, what if the children live too far away or are unable to do the work because they have too many other commitments?

They also say it now. When they can’t imagine ever being a burden to anyone, I wonder if they’ll be saying it in a few decades’ time.

@QioiioiioQ

I would rather go into a home than be a burden on my kids People say this and they speak if they are at liberty to choose between these two options, what if the children live too far away or are unable to do the work because they have too many other commitments?

And unless people have a large pension, enough to cover the care home fees and their other living expenses themselves, you can't just "choose" to go into a home. If you're not finding yourself social services decides whether you go into residential care or not.

This thread has been thought provoking. Thanks for starting it OP.

@zippyswife I would say £20 an hour for that kind of thing - plus if you are doing the car boot / eBay selling 25% of the proceeds.

@UpHillandDownAle that's how I look at it. Seems not quite that straightforward though, with costs potentially stacking up after you die. DH and i have agreed to look into carers and stairlift instead!

@zippyswife I have done this kind of thing and it was a nightmare. People tend to believe their possessions have value when they don't, they argue the toss when you accept an offer for something they deem worth more, and you often end up no further forward. It's frustrating! And very often people continue to buy more, not realising (i assume?) that everything you purchase has it's environmental cost to create, and will ultimately end up in landfill anyway.

Re clearing the house, I plan to make a list of anything of genuine value (not sentimental or just in my head) and tell dds to let a house clearance firm get rid of the rest.

Doing it all yourself is fraught with emotional pitfalls. There were things of my mother’s of zero value except the sentimental variety, which were so hard just to chuck. I ended up keeping an ancient wooden spoon which she’d had and used for ever - it was worn right down on one side.

Having said that, a Dsis who was clearing an aunt’s house of what she thought was worthless stuff, found the house clearance people somewhat eagle-eyeing a picture that had been wrapped in brown paper and stuck behind a cupboard - it had belonged to a long gone GM who’d enjoyed going to sales.
So Dsis had it valued. It turned out to be by quite a well known Victorian artist and sold at auction for £11k.

I’d just add, if dementia has been involved, you need to check absolutely everything that could possibly serve as a ‘container’ - old shoes and coat pockets, cereal packets, inside books, etc.

A colleague of mine found over £2000 stashed inside or in between piles of newspapers and magazines, in the flat of an old uncle.

You don’t just choose to go into home. It’s not like a hotel - unless you have half a million spare to buy a property on one of the new elderly complexes being built. Public sector homes are based on need. Service charges at these hotel like complexes are around £500 a month. Any profit you make on the new property also has to be returned. Ok you get a gym and a cafe but for £500 month you deserve it,

My parents live very far from me (whole family are there) so I need to be back a lot to see my extended family, so instead of just me in my DPs house they now need more space as I have 3 extra people who need to stay. I suppose if they downsized I would need to buy a second property so I could still access my vital support network

@PlanDeRaccordement

I have a pact with best friend to join a nunnery when our DHs pass away.

That actually made me lol

I keep telling the kids (I have 4) that I plan on rotating around them every 6 months. they roll their eyes and tells me to get a better idea.

Current plan is a house on the coast in Denmark

We downsized 3 years ago from a large 4 bed period house to a sleek modern 2 bed apartment, we got rid of a housefull of antique furniture, were ruthless in what we gor rid of and actually moved out with about 20 boxes and 2 chairs, we slept on a airbed for a for weeks while we had the place reconfigured and decorated, I had a fantastic time choosing all our new stuff, down to cutlery and dinner service , it was wonderful fun.

We have no regrets (a few during lockdown but we didnt have a pandemic figured in our plans) we have no mortgage, living in a city centre with all the amenities we could want, we are early 50s and life has never been better, I still manage to host 9 people for xmas day, I dont spend time and money heating and cleaning rooms we never use and love this new openplan living we now have.

The weird thing is, a single woman the same age as me bought our old house, I often think of her rattling around the place, worrying about the roof, the large garden, all the rooms that will need furnishing and heating and the bloody huge running costs of a period house in general, why she wanted it is a mystery to me.

@MrsFezziwig of course I was joking!

My Mum moved into a bungalow in her early 60s, has nothing in the loft and is always getting rid of stuff. I fully intend to do the same.

[quote BalloonSlayer]@MrsFezziwig of course I was joking!

My Mum moved into a bungalow in her early 60s, has nothing in the loft and is always getting rid of stuff. I fully intend to do the same.[/quote]
Thank goodness! I assumed you were joking but I do know a few people who were left in this position and the whole process has been quite traumatic for them.

@thebabessavedme Oh, that's my dream too, a sleek, modern 2 bed apartment with minimal "stuff"!

I am looking for a suitable building plot to carve in two with a good friend and am designing my final home. It will be small, on one level and sustainable / cheap to run, with a small garden. I have worked in care and seen first hand how miserable it can be when people are unsuitably housed in old age.

We have a 3 bed HA house. DD is at uni and our DSs are 14 and 16.
Once they've all left home, probably fairly young e.g. we don't think DD will ever come home full time again now, DH and I will swap our house for an "elderly person" bungalow with the same HA. We qualify from 55, which DH already is, and it should be pretty straightforward.
I will have, eventually, an inheritance from my Mam - sister and I will have half her estate each, which will be enough, with care, to keep DH and I. DH will have a very small work pension, and we get whatever his state pension is by then. I don't think I will get any as I haven't paid enough stamp over the years.
We won't be well off, but we will be ok I think.

@QioiioiioQ

leave well alone as they're almost impossible to sell on. At the moment at least. There's one block of 30 in our town (or The Twilight Zone as we call it) which has 15 unoccupied flats for sale but why? How can it be that our housing market is toxic and dysfunctional, how is it that our housing stock is not fit for purpose? Why is it all so shit?

Because only over 60s (usually) can buy them and given a lot of older people have been shielding for the last year it's simply that that demographic aren't up for moving at the moment.

Conversely if you can afford the service charges (thousands per year), there are some incredible bargains out there at the moment and any profit you make on your current home is tax free.

As for possessions my sister died of a brain tumour a couple of years ago and while she still had her wits about her, she carried out a "Swedish Death Clean" which for a borderline hoarder was quite an achievement and made things a lot easier after she went. I intend to do similar.

@StCharlotte I agree with the 'swedish death clean' thing, I have no intention of dying anytime soon but I am very aware of the task our only child will have once we do pop our clogs, since downsizing I am ruthless in the 'getting rid of tat'. Everything we own has to be beautiful or usefull, I try to stick to 'one in one out' with most things, in fact, I find this period of life to be really freeing, having less 'stuff' really gives me a sense of calm amd peace, my home feels serene and clean, although smaller than we have been used to it feels very homely.

I know downsizing isn't for everyone but it has taken a huge weight of our shoulders, freed up money to enjoy life a bit more, no more scrimping because of house repairs being top of the list.

I have said to DH that I can't face clearing out the loft so we can never move, and the kids will have to sort it out when we are dead

I cleared my mother's house last year. The big stuff was quite easy, a local charity shop took the lot.
But the stuff that was precious to her really wasn't of interest to me. She may have fondly thought that we would be keeping all her old photos or theatre memorabilia but it all went in the bin.

I have been piling stuff up during lockdown to go to charity shops. Of course they are overwhelmed and don't want it. There seems to be a new thing in the villages around here called Street Boot. I've never done a car boot sale in my life but I'm going to have a go at this.

This Swedish death clean is something I want to do.

Making me think I should use all the „nice“ stuff I have been keeping for good while I can

I’m half way through the Swedish Death Clean. It is quite liberating, I no longer feel the need to keep stuff the way I did before I started, now if I cannot see myself using the stuff within the next month off it goes unless we are talking of summer /winter clothes but even so, the whole of my wardrobe would fit in a big piece of luggage.

Grandma'sCat I'd love to get to the place I can think if I'm not using it in the next month it goes. That comment brings clarity to the concept of decluttering. I'm hopefully a long way off dying but I've started decluttering partly because when I do I don't want people having to deal with my things and throwing out precious stuff to landfill, I'd prefer to get rid of it myself to someone that'll use it. She I die I want someone to come into my home and say is this all there is?

I realize I forgot to answer the OP question. I'm either staying where I am forever (unless I go into a care home) or I'll inherit a property and can either sell it or if I need an income I can live in it and get a lodger because there'll be enough rooms that we're not under each others feet.

I have no children. When I can no longer look after myself I will take pills and go to bed and die in my own way and time. When you live alone its easy to arrange suicide.

I would cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than go into a care(less) home with a gang of demented old buffers,. They are horrendous places.

@GrandmasCat

I’m half way through the Swedish Death Clean. It is quite liberating, I no longer feel the need to keep stuff the way I did before I started, now if I cannot see myself using the stuff within the next month off it goes unless we are talking of summer /winter clothes but even so, the whole of my wardrobe would fit in a big piece of luggage.

Excellent. I have been quite influenced by this.