Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

I used to work in domicilliary care and was often aghast at how people were living in houses that were just so unsuitable for their needs.

We won't inflict that on our kids, we plan to downsize and release the biggest chunk of their inheritance before we pass away.

Unless the locals/developers fuck up the area ( not impossible) planning to stay as this house is adaptable due to good spacious design. No kids so need to look after ourselves.

Downsizing is the easy decision. Who wants to manage & clean a big space when getting infirm?

I used to say I'd go willingly into a nursing home or at least supported housing when I needed them, but after covid meant the oldies were all imprisoned in care homes -- screw that shit. I'll have to think carefully.

I’m already future proofing my home for illness/disability with a new bathroom with walk in shower etc.
Life can change in an instant and professionally I see so many people who simply can’t manage stairs, getting in and out of a bath, steps to their front door etc. And who refuse to pay for stair lifts or renovations.
As soon as the kids are independent, we’ll downsize to a bungalow which will be fully accessible.

Ground floor flat, ideally with private garden. Either in the city we live in now ( but are about to move out of) or near one of children. Eldest wants a farmhouse in Lake District and other wants to move to Spain. Either is good with me.

@PermanentTemporary, I would really like to know how to set up such a directive. I have sent you a PM could you point me in the direction to where I can find more information on setting one?
Thank you

Currently live in a house in a village, plan to sell up in 20 years when I’m 70 and move back to the nearest city where I hope to be able to avoid a small garden flat in a sheltered housing/retirement block. I don’t have family, so need a plan that is affordable and still gives me some independence.

‘However, doctors now say you should stay in a house with stairs for as long as you can, as it's not good to move to a bungalow too soon’

Can you share your sources for this advice please?

Avoid *afford 🙄

My grandmother is in this situation. I think it’s hard to move away from good neighbours and a feeling you have built a life in a particular area or house. Basically the timing is much earlier than you think, it’s not as you start to experience physical decline, it’s years earlier so you’ve established yourself in a more suitable house or flat and the new community. I think retirement is a good time, it’s a natural break and often offers a lot more freedom.

Any kind of downsizing is tough, most people don’t want to move out of their large house, even though it’s ridiculous given this country’s housing shortage and even though they end up only using one or two rooms. It’s my worst nightmare really, to be trapped in an increasingly tatty house, with loads of useless stuff you’ve kept just in case and which someone is going to have to clear out for you eventually.

@2tired2bewitty

If all the retired child free people move out of the big family houses and let the younger generations move in, they will have space to host the big family Christmases and we won’t have to cook

sure if you can afford to buy it

MIL moved from family home to modern flat in her 60's.
New furniture, new everything.
She has been very happy with the move and while currently still working and driving now in her 70's she is set up for old age.

@looptheloopinahulahoop

On the one hand I think it's good for elderly people to downsize, after all, we supposedly have a housing crisis so it's a bit silly for a couple or single person to be living in a 4 or 5 bedroom house.

However, doctors now say you should stay in a house with stairs for as long as you can, as it's not good to move to a bungalow too soon. And I've said this on another thread, sheltered flats are a con, don't do it.

What we need are more two bed bungalows, but there's not enough money to be made out of them. We should certainly stop any more of them being turned into houses though.

who are these doctors and what do they base this statement on?

We won’t be downsizing at 60’s, DD will still be at School when DH turns 60 and I’ll be 63 when she finishes uni (if she goes). She could easily be at home still when we are 70. I don’t intend to be past it then.

My parents are 70’s and still fit and active, Dad still works (through choice).
My grandmother moved to a retirement flat in her late 80’s, that was plenty soon enough. She was lonely but physically capable still. She did have cleaners and gardeners etc though.

We live rurally, we may have to move nearer a town in our 80’s, but will avoid if we can. I’ll happily buy in help though. Lots of it!

@PermanentTemporary

Karma - I have a detailed Advanced Directive in my GP notes refusing all life prolonging treatment after a certain age if I lose mental capacity. Rather than praying, you could do the same.

What age? So you wouldn't have antibiotics for, say, a chest or water infection?

I think it's easy to say this is what you want when it's a long way off. DH is terminally ill and bedbound. If it weren't for me, he'd be quite a burden on our children (or in a home spending their inheritance) but he still has some quality of life, enjoys having friends round and playing chess with DC etc. He's not ready to die if there's a way to avoid it.

We have a fairly small house close to facilities and with a downstairs loo. In an ideal world our next house will be our last house and it would have the same plus an extra downstairs room. I'm not sentiment about it. I've seen the impact of having a house to maintain on my MIL when my FIL won't move, it makes me angry.

My DM was managing the stairs in her house OK at 84. But the dementia overtook her and despite wanting to just say goodnight and pass away, she needed to go into a nursing home. Sadly we can’t all die with our boots on when we want.

Thank god PIL (79 and 75) decided to move to a ground floor flat in the summer - it was then or never. It was a really good buy and they love it.

DH and I might move to another area and downsize when we retire, but we haven’t made a proper plan yet as it also depends on what’s happening with the DC by then.

When I'm too dodery to manage in my own home I'll sign it over to the local animal rescue and totter down to the factory to be turned into soylent green.

Sorry, just re read it, you said if you lose mental capacity, but there's a big gap between not being able to manage a large house and losing mental capacity.

‘On the one hand I think it's good for elderly people to downsize, after all, we supposedly have a housing crisis so it's a bit silly for a couple or single person to be living in a 4 or 5 bedroom house’.

Why? Why should only people with children live in large houses. I am single and have a four bedroom house. I am not responsible for other people’s housing.

My DMIL is the same. She has no money, but is living in a huge house with no mortgage. It’s in okay condition now, but things are starting to go wrong and she looks at us helplessly to fix things.

She spends her time in either the kitchen or the bedroom. All of the other doors are shut and the radiators off. She is very house proud (they moved in in the 80s, ripped out the original features and covered every ceiling in artex, which is still there!) and thinks she’s doing her sons a huge favour because she’s leaving the house to them. She seems to think that it’s practically their house anyway, so they should be happy to arrange/pay for repairs!

They would far rather she lived somewhere more suitable.

We’ve started planning ahead for our own twilight years. We’ve bought a small cottage that had been neglected for years. We’re slowly renovating it, bit by bit. Once the kids have flown the nest we’ll move there.

The thing is, it sounds like your Mum did downsize and 'future proof'. You said she is already in a bungalow.

OP, you are being far to black and white about it. You are looking at the practicalities and removing any emotion.
"Going in to sheltered housing" is "admitting you are old". There isn't an age, or a particular number at which this happens. I knew a lady of 102 who lived in her own home until she went into hospital a couple of months before she died. Many people can cope. Others struggle, but haven't mentally got to the stage where they are ready to acknowledge it to themselves.
I totally agree with the thinking that it makes sense to downsize BEFORE you need to, but going into sheltered accommodation is a different thing.
Personally, I quite fancy one of those retirement villages, but when you look at the costs involved, you wouldn't want to 'peak too early' in terms of moving in. How do you judge ? How do you know when you are suddenly going to 'age' ?

My MIL wants to downsize but wants to be closer to us as she hates the area she is in but it is much more expensive here and those retirement flats are really expensive plus you have to maintenance fees which she can't afford. They should make it easier to downsize. The retirement flats near me are over £400k for a 2 bed flat!

@2tired2bewitty

If all the retired child free people move out of the big family houses and let the younger generations move in, they will have space to host the big family Christmases and we won’t have to cook

100x this

I only have a 2 bedroom house anyway but as soon as DS moves out permanently I'll be downsizing to a one bed ground floor flat. I'm not bothered about memories! I want an easy mortgage free life.