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Original poster

Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

385 replies

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/05/2021 19:52

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

OP posts:
YellowFish12 · 28/05/2021 22:34

I think you probably need to do a major renovation in your mid 60s - get everything sorted and then you should be pretty good on major home maintenance for the next 20+ years.

MrsFezziwig · 28/05/2021 22:34

However, doctors now say you should stay in a house with stairs for as long as you can, as it's not good to move to a bungalow too soon.

I go to the gym and use the stair climber instead!

MadMadMadamMim · 28/05/2021 22:36

Having seen elderly people in care homes unless I get dementia there's no way I'm moving into one. It's my idea of utter hell.

I shall do equity release, or something similar, and spend every penny I've got in my home to allow me to stay there with a 'paid companion' or whatever I need. Gardeners, cleaners, etc.

I'm not expecting my children to care for me. And I'm pretty sure I'm capable of organising a new boiler, or bathroom or whatever without having to get someone else to sort it all out. As long as I've got my marbles I'll be fine.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dementia & alzheimer's
osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 22:39

The problem with flats here, however, are multiple. Cladding in newer ones and/or massive service charges and no freeholds, possible huge bills for repairs. BTL, AirB&Bs and lax laws regarding becoming a landlord and action you can take against nuisance neighbours is another. Most have no place to park and no outdoor space (communal garden, let's get real, not going to get used except by person on ground floor or have to put up with noise if you're that person on the ground floor), older ones have no lifts, etc etc

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 22:41

However, doctors now say you should stay in a house with stairs for as long as you can, as it's not good to move to a bungalow too soon.

😂😂😂 sure they do. Lots of people live in flats. Guess that's them fucked then 😂.

BackforGood · 28/05/2021 22:42

The other issue I'm facing is that my 4 bed, three receptions detached house on a substantial plot is worth less than a 2 bed bungalow in the same area and about the same as a retirement flat.

This ^
Where I live, bungalows are very unusual and come at a very expensive premium.
It alsways strikes me, when I go to the seaside, how many bungalows there are, as there are very few where I live.

Gertie75 · 28/05/2021 22:43

We'll downsize when the kids leave, they're only 6 and 8 so a long while yet, we're older parents though, 46 & 52 so by that stage in our lives it'll be about the right time anyway.
Our house is way too big for two people so we plan to buy a small 2 bed bungalow with a large garden and perhaps buy a static caravan somewhere near the coast to spend the summer months there.

QioiioiioQ · 28/05/2021 22:52

there are many replies along the lines of:
'I wont inflict that on my children'
this assumes that the children will be willing to help anyway, they might just go 'erm you've had 20 years to plan and you did nothing, not our problem' and then you have to lie in the bed that you made.

Lovingspring · 28/05/2021 22:55

Downsize. My parents have done this very well. They first moved from a very big house (6 bed, 4 bath, big gardens) to a 3 bed townhouse with a small garden. DF was diagnosed with a lung condition, (luckily under control now) so we found a lovely apartment with a lift for them, no garden, just a balcony. They are very happy there.

HideousKinky · 28/05/2021 23:00

I remember reading an interview with the actor Sir Ian McKellen in which he said he had installed a lift in his London town house where he has lived for 40 or 50 years because he does not want to leave it.
That's what I intend to do!

HideousKinky · 28/05/2021 23:03

We also already own a 3-bedroom flat in London so that would be an alternative if we do decide we want to leave our other house

guesswhatteapot · 28/05/2021 23:14

I intend to move in with one of my children. Raid their fridge at 2 in the morning, take control of the TV and piss all over their toilet seat. Payback is great.

Thelnebriati · 28/05/2021 23:20

I'm very lucky, I have a tiny 2 bed HA house, and its my home for life. If I need a bungalow later on, I can transfer.

ForgedInFire · 28/05/2021 23:23

When my children are mid to late 20s I intend to downsize to a 2 bed bungalow and give them cash gifts towards a deposit. We will be around 55 and 63. We really like bungalows and as long as we have a spare bedroom for the grandkids to visit I will be happy. Later on I would consider moving to supported housing- my own grandmother is in a nice one where they all have their own independent units and a lively social life in the club as well as exercise classes and a pool. I want to run my estate down to hopefully not end up paying inheritance tax or having to fund our own care home fees but we will have to see how things are- we are still in our late 20s/mid 30s so a lot could change

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2021 23:25

"😂😂😂 sure they do. Lots of people live in flats. Guess that's them fucked then 😂."

You can use the stairs to get to your flat.

MrsBobDylan · 28/05/2021 23:28

I talked about this with dh today. We live near a really lovely town which has fab two-bed houses and apartments right by all the shops, restaurants etc.

Our house now isn't huge or in a pricey area but I would like to buy something smaller but lovelier and well-located.

I don't want to disintegrate within the walls of a house which just amplifies my struggles as I age.

My Mum has chosen to stay in a five bedroom detached house. It is in good nick and she has plenty of cash. But all it contains is an old lady who gets less mobile by the day and the ghosts of the very unhappy family life she created for her children.

Weirdly, lots of her very affluent friends have sold their huge houses and 'downsized' into something which is not much smaller. What is the point?

hilariousnamehere · 28/05/2021 23:32

Single & childfree at 35 here - when I renovated my house a few years ago I made sure I would be able to replace bathroom with wetroom/sliding door and the stairs with a lift so it's sorted for physical issues in old age.

I'm also eventually planning to retire with my bestie which will involve us pooling our resources as neither of our homes are big enough for both of us and our pets Grin

That's as much planning as I've done but it feels like a reasonable set of decisions.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 23:37

@Gwenhwyfar

"😂😂😂 sure they do. Lots of people live in flats. Guess that's them fucked then 😂."

You can use the stairs to get to your flat.

If you're on the ground floor, yeah.
Miljea · 28/05/2021 23:37

'We are thinking about it and decluttering but the idea of leaving the home we raised children in is daunting. Plus, we still host our adult DC quite a lot as their own homes are smaller.'

There you have it. Right there. You raised your children in that home, therefore... what?

And- 'their homes are smaller'. OK, if it's their first home (young,single,flat- maybe) - tho I bet your 'first home' was the one you brought your first born into, no?

Their homes are 'smaller' because yours is 'larger'. They need the room, you don't.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2021 23:39

"If you're on the ground floor, yeah."

Don't get the ground floor then. Get another floor with the option of a lift when you can no longer walk up the stairs.

Donitta · 28/05/2021 23:41

I’m going to move to a bungalow as soon as I can afford it. Hopefully before I turn 50. Then I’ll just stay put.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 23:43

@Gwenhwyfar

"If you're on the ground floor, yeah."

Don't get the ground floor then. Get another floor with the option of a lift when you can no longer walk up the stairs.

Yeah, okay, if that's all that's available when you need to move or that's what you're allocated by the council or housing association you just say no because 'doctors say I need stairs' 😂😂😂 'No, I need a place with a lift so I can keep using the stairs because 'doctors say'.'
FlibbertyGiblets · 29/05/2021 00:00

I would add please do a form of Swedish Death Cleaning so your adult children won't have to sort out all of your stuff. Please. It is a grim and onerous task for your bereaved child/ren. I speak from recent experience.

Wegobshite · 29/05/2021 00:10

@osbertthesyrianhamster
I’m actually going to take great pleasure in asking her where she got her degree in SW from 😂 was it a lucky dip or did she order it from the internet because if she is a professional social worker I’m going to suggest that she seriously reconsiders training to a job that won’t allow her to make decisions on someone’s health and well being when it clear that person can’t even wipe his own ass or hold a pen to write his name I will suggest something like a bin collector or road sweeper as it’s good pay just to press the button 😂
My sister is already primed to tell her “ she’s not allowed to speak to her and to refer to me - as I’m the eldest 😂
Honestly it’s like we aren’t allowed to give our opinions as my dad is supposed to have capacity- but they want my time and labour to fill in the gaps - they can fuck off and fuck off again as I don’t agree with her .
If she wants to inspect my dads house she can do it on her own
I don’t need to inspect it I already know what it’s like 😂

QueenPaw · 29/05/2021 00:44

Weirdly I had an estate agent over to value my property today and he said it would be great for older people. 2 bed apartment, ground floor, private garden (but maintained) and a load more space than most 2 bed houses
Guess I'm not moving Grin