Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

@Chicchicchicchiclana

There comes a time (80s, 90s) when you're too old to host a big family Christmas. At that point you should be invited out (?)

I know it's a question of timing.

I live in a large house with large garden that I've brought my children up in. But I'm not going to cling onto it for sentimental reasons! At some point the 4 flights of stairs will become a problem. Why not move out rather than installing a stair lift?

Why not install a stair lift instead of moving out?

But "mum" wants to host herself

My folks moved to a bungalow in their mid 60s - not because they particularly wanted a bungalow, but because it was all they could find in their chosen area.

Roll on 3 years and they decided they didn’t like the area after all, and moved again - to a house. And were startled to realise how their fitness had decreased through not having stairs.

My mother was still managing stairs fine when she moved into a care home (dementia) at 89. I know she was lucky, though.

@Ideasplease322

‘On the one hand I think it's good for elderly people to downsize, after all, we supposedly have a housing crisis so it's a bit silly for a couple or single person to be living in a 4 or 5 bedroom house’.

Why? Why should only people with children live in large houses. I am single and have a four bedroom house. I am not responsible for other people’s housing.

Exactly!

My mum worked in elder care and both my grandmothers developed dementia. She and my dad moved into a ground floor flat with a concierge in walking distance of amenities at around 70.
Lots of people thought they were too young but she knew she wanted to clear out our family home while she could still do it herself and that most people leave it far too late.
I hope dh and I will be able to do the same.

My dads in this situation
He’s just got out of a 9 weeks stay in hospital and is now 7 weeks into
A rehab stay
Came home for 30 mins this week to see if he could manage living back at home
Couldn’t get over the step had to be taken into the house in a wheelchair was completely wiped out
Decided that he would go into a residential home his rehab worker and OT agreed .
My dad saw the fucking social worker today and she is encouraging him to go home with “ family help “ and a care package
I’ve told her to fuck right off with “ family help” there will be absolutely no family help if my dad comes home . If he falls over at 3am because he’s decided he wants to have a shower then it will be an ambulance arriving and not me .
My sister and I are in agreement
My father falls 3-4 times a week even in the rehab and needed a hoist and 4 people to get him up the other day after falling in the shower .
He won’t always take his meds
Can barely walk only has use of one hand and can barley see . Constant chest infections .
He likes to have 4 plus showers a day and the house is falling down around him . He won’t throw anything out .

Social worker wants to meet me at my dads house so she can look at the house and assess it .
She suggested him having a lodger
I told her that the only type of lodger that would live in my dads house would need to be as fucking desperate & stupid as she and my father are and that the only thing I want from her is her name where I make a complaint about her if she thinks my father can live safely and reliably at home .
He can’t even manage in the rehab center .
I made it perfectly clear that I would not be assisting my father in his plans of returning home and that I didn’t want to her to ring me again if this was the case
She wouldn’t listen to anything I said despite me knowing my father all of my life so I see no reason to assist her or my father in coming home
If he comes home he will be back in hospital within a week or so
So I’m having SFA to do with it
And breath 😂😂😂

Not sure. We may consider downsizing around 70 to give DD some equity for her own home so that we can watch her benefit before we die rather than after

If our pensions aren't enough or we can't realise much difference by selling up, I have thought we might split the house into flats, live downstairs and rent the upstairs.

Otherwise I'd be happy in retirement to downsize somewhere a bit 'downmarket' as long as it's near cafes/shops etc but I suspect DH would never do that. One thing I am determined is to remain really close to a high street as we are now - having observed people getting older and bearing in mind one might spend a decade or more not being terribly mobile I think quiet, leafy suburbia or a small village is that last thing you want when retiring - you need to be able to shuffle to cafes, shops, a library, pub etc nearby because there could be years when you won't be able drive and you need everything on your doorstep.

So sad.

I’m only 42 but I’d love to move into the posh retirement flats near us at 55. You get your bed made for you and the beautiful gardens maintained. I can’t see DH going for it though, even at 70! He loves having lots of space to store stuff and it doesn’t bother him as much as me not keeping on top of cleaning, gardening etc.

Jesus @Wegobshitethat sounds horrifically incompetent of the SW. Surely they should be being led by the OT and rehab given they are trained on these matters and the sw is not

@Wegobshite God I hope it works out. It's too easy for one professional to come in to a situation that's been evolving for a while and ask 'do you want to be at home'- of course the answer will be yes but actually it's a damn sight more complicated than that.

@Kissthepastrychef

Jesus *@Wegobshitethat* sounds horrifically incompetent of the SW. Surely they should be being led by the OT and rehab given they are trained on these matters and the sw is not

IME the OT's primary role is to get the patient home with as little support as they an get away with and they don't mind laying on the guilt very thick to achieve it.

If you haven't already I'd recommend reading Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It's a great read and really changed /focused my mind about planning for that stage in life, and what is 'right'.

The other issue I'm facing is that my 4 bed, three receptions detached house on a substantial plot is worth less than a 2 bed bungalow in the same area and about the same as a retirement flat.

@OrangePowder the OT above was suggesting a care home, it's the SW going against them

I am just buying my “carry me out in a box” home. It’s a dormer bungalow. I will use bedroom and bathroom upstairs (I’m not quite 60), and if I can’t get up stairs at some point I’ll use downstairs bedrooms and bathroom
I have savings set aside for care in my home: cleaner, gardener etc when I need it. I am also open to using au pairs, lodgers if I keep all my marbles but need some small additional assistance- sharing my home in return for labour such as driving, diy, etc. I also am investing in technology already existing such as smart homes, voice control. I’m using now for an emergency ( e.g have Alexa devices near trip hazards, bathrooms etc) but I hope this technology will come on keeps and bounds in next few years to keep me independent as long as possible. One of the key things will be to keep up with technology - and that is certainly what I will ask my DSs to help with.

I am a big believer of “universal design” that designs functionality into homes to cope with ageing. My new home won’t be perfect for this but I intend to utilise as much of these principles as possible so I am set up as well as possible when I need it

Why? I am an introvert, I cannot stand being around other people for more than a few hours. A care home would be incredibly bad for me- if I went in I’d certainly loose what was left of my mind very quickly. I feel sick at the idea of being stuck in a lounge all day in other people’s company

It was my choice to live alone. I am therefore responsible to ensure I put plans in place and utilise all resources to minimise becoming a burden. Hopefully this will keep me out of a care home until I am too far gone mentally to know where I am.

I'd love older people's bungalow but I won't live long enough to be eligible. I feel so despairing every time people talk about wanting older people downsizing and the housing crisis because the biggest thing of the housing crisis is no small 1 or 2 bedroom homes for single or childless especially disabled. I stay with a violent partner because 1 bedroom shortage. I have no money to buy because of disability and need rented but it's same shortage with buying except maybe some very small places and I'm younger than 60 but disability so understand why people need more space than rabbit hutch because when you can't go out as much or anytime you don't want tiny prison.

What backforgood said.
I am 63 and DH is 72. We had DC late so youngest is 23.
We have lived in our big rural house for over 30 years and I would move tomorrow if DH would agree. I couldn't bear to twist his arm.
Easy to say though, it would be a painful wrench to leave a house where our children were born and grew up. Indeed they still think of it as home. I wouldn't want somewhere smaller but a big bungalow in a small market town with amenities.

I think my husband will cling on to the house and garden forever. If he dies first I will downsize to a cosy apartment with no stairs and release equity to my children to put into housing themselves.

So I’m having SFA to do with it
And breath 😂😂😂

I would get her number blocked on your phone right now. She rings and ping.

My DMil bought a larg( ish) house in her 70s. We were a bit sceptical but she lived there with very little help until she died at nearly 90 and it gave her a lot of pleasure. DM is mid 90s and in a chalet bungalow type house with a large garden. She has help in the garden and a stair lift but, again, gets a lot of pleasure from it. In both cases it has kept them going but of course they have been able to afford help and upkeep as needed.

@Bobbiebigbum

Because they've paid a mortgage all their life and they love their home? I'm planning to retire in my very impractical farmhouse thank you very much!

I think OP is making the point that this attitude can leave relatives/children in the difficult position of having to do a lot of maintenance/support because the elderly person can’t really live independently. Unfortunately I’ve seen this a lot and it does put unfair pressure on the AC.

@Hoppinggreen

My 70 year old very fit Auntie and her DH have just bought a bungalow. I asked her why since she didn’t need a bungalow, she replied no she didn’t - yet! We tried to persuade my Mum to move somewhere more suitable about 6 or 7 years ago but she didn’t want to. She then spent over a year living downstairs until she got a stairlift but the house still isn’t great for her. Unfortunately her health and her DHs has deteriorated to the extent that they can’t face a move now. So I will move to somewhere suitable for someone with mobility issues before I have any

I have done exactly this. No mobility problems but moved to a bungalow in my early 60s and totally renovated it. Loved my previous home where I lived for over 30 years but I didn’t love the extra rooms which I no longer needed and the massive bills for upkeep.

The sense of liberation is massive - my new house is so manageable. Too much experience with relatives and friends who have ended up in difficult situations because they kept putting off any planning for the future.

We have quite a large bungalow at the moment and teenage DC. It is fully accessible, at least inside, as DW has a lifelong condition and is now pretty much a full-time wheelchair user. We knew it was coming so bought and modified it for that.

Once the DC are floated off then it would make sense to downsize as this place is far too big for just a couple, and really it would actually make sense to have a family Christmas in a hotel or holiday property rather than heating, paying council tax, maintaining etc almost completely unused space for the sake of a few days a year.

DW is currently floating a plan that we should buy a nice flat now, while we're still earning, with a buy to let mortageg and rent it out until we're old enough to need it. I'm not sure that I'm really keen. We know we'd prefer to stay out of 'retirement flats' since we've seen how much of a rip off they are and we'd rather leave the money to the DC than let some rapacious company have it.

I think this house will be quite future proofed.

I’m doing some renovation work to make the back room a big kitchen/diner/living space and a downstairs shower room will be included as part of that.

Then the other reception room could be used as a bedroom if needed.

The stairs are fairly shallow so a stair lift could be installed anyway.

Very short walk to multiple bus routes to take me to various stations/shops.

Small garden so not too hard to manage.

London location so expect I could get a companion/care lodger arrangement where they do things like change a lightbulb and be generally about in exchange for cheap accommodation.

I’d like to go into female only co-living if DO croaks it before me. He’s 7 years older so probably will.