How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

[freckles20]

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

I should add that wrt Covid I realise this isn't ideal. They go to the same school and sit together in 3 subjects.

You need clearer rules. A lot can be done with clothes on and I’m sure it’s a delight for horny teenagers to try and push the boundaries. It’s your house and he needs to be respectful of your rules to the letter and the spirit.

It's a tough one, but it's going to happen whether it's in your house or out on a walk somewhere. I think stopping the friend from coming will do more harm than good. They'll still meet elsewhere anyway. Have the chat about consent, respect, not taking it too far before being ready and staying safe etc etc. Teenagers and hormones, it's an age old problem. Communication is key, I think.

Well then, he’s not allowed in his room. You've given him the chance to be mature about it and he’s blown that chance.

I would reiterate what the rules are and that if they are broken, his girlfriend won't be allowed to come to the house anymore.

What did you initially say when you caught them?

@Hopdathelf thank you, you're right. What would you suggest?

I've said door stays open, clothes stay on, expect me to walk in sometimes.

They had clothes unbuttoned, including his trousers.

He was mortified. Came to find me shaking and asking what I was going to do.

I'm finding it very hard to navigate all this .

Partner? 14 year olds don't have partners. Im not sure why you think being non binary would stop this child fancying your son and vice versa. The child was 'born a girl' (and still is) and presumably they are both heterosexual.
Time to deal with them awkwardly sitting in the communal areas I'm afraid. They are too young to be hanging out in a bedroom.

Serves him right if he was shaking.

How you deal with it now is important.

@HumunaHey I was so taken aback. I think I said "[name], what are you doing, we spoke about this".

Then I left the room with him looking mortified and apologising.

Part of me felt immensely awkward as they must both have been mortified.

God, that's a difficult situation. It's good that he's panicking now. You will have to talk to him about safe sex and consequences, even though you hope he's not going to have sex yet. I think given the situation they should stay downstairs.

@ANiceCupOfCoffee what would you suggest?

His partner? He’s 14 for goodness sake.

Don’t let the girl back or even better still ask her parents if they’re Ok with you being so accommodating.

Is he just turned 14, or nearly 15? That would make a bit of a difference for me I think (I’ve got 3 23,21 and 14). There’s always going to be some level of sexual activity when teenagers who are dating are given a room and a bed, so I think it’s up to you to decide what’s acceptable and what’s not. Did they seem embarrassed? Are they generally respectful of others in your house?

It sounds like you have an otherwise good relationship with him, and having your mum walk in on you is probably one of the worst things that can happen at that age. If it were me I would go gently - remind him of the house rules and the law, reinforce the respect and healthy relationships advice, and try and encourage him to restart his hobbies and interests. Have you asked him what he thinks is reasonable? Sometimes that helps them to think a wee bit.

I didn't want to read and run. I'm not sure how much I can really help you hear as. At 14 for my son it was downstairs with guests. At 19 the door still needs to remain open.

What I will say from experience, is if the door is open you know what is going on, but they could easily go elsewhere where you have no idea.

I'd talk to them both about their responsibiilties.

I’d reiterate your rule of clothes on, door open and add a further - keep your hands to yourselves!

I missed the partner bit - is that because she is non binary? If not then I’d go with the more age appropriate ‘girlfriend’.

Well I wouldn’t be apologising to him.

I would be reiterating the rules. No opportunity to be in their bedroom. They can be awkward in the communal areas as someone else said. Makes sure you know where he is when he’s out.

You can’t control what he does when he’s out, but you can make it certain that he’s too young etc.

Make sure he’s very aware of STDs (there is some graphic stuff out there) and not only the risk of teenage pregnancy, but the lifelong commitment after it.

I would also let her parents know so that they can also be on board.

He needs to think twice. They all have hormones, but they don’t have to act on them like this.

*Can make certain that he understands that he’s too young etc.

I've used the word partner as the 'partner' is non binary. DS feels to describe her as his girlfriend is disrespectful. I realise that's for a whole other thread.

Stay calm! I do think you need to have a frank and open chat around consent, consequences and the fact that they are only 14. Also about the breaking of your trust and what that means. I do think that they need to stay out of the bedroom and meet downstairs. It is very young to navigate all the feelings that sex brings up and that needs discussion as well. If he wants to go to that stage then he needs to understand fully what that means both emotionally a d physically. You need to be mum now and have open communication, it will honestly pay off of if you do.

This took me back to when I was that age and am ex used to put books and a cricket bat against the door handle

If they don't do it at yours then they will outside

Gah! She'd find out how binary she is if she got pregnant.

Dvds and pizza downstairs maybe sort of like asking your sons partner to join in a family event? Now this may not be your thing at all but it will do a couple of things for you as a parent,It will help you engage with both of them on a more social level and it will also help you to gently enforce your rules and appropriate boundaries without being seen as the bad guy! If things are made to be more family orientated when the partner comes by it also serves two fold in taking the pressure off if one of them wishes to progress the relationship to a more intimate level than the other one,Does that make sense? No bedrooms more come and join us we would love to spend time with you both for a while and catch up with you kind of thing? However you will I suspect have to deal with the issue that intimacy is or has occured and all you can do then is to have a chat with your son and make sure he knows how to be safe and keep his partner safe too, Its such a difficult time and the kids are so much more forward than I suspect we were,Gently handled would be my way I think if it was me but whilst you can have a certain amount of control you can;t be on guard all the time, I dont envy you OP its so hard to try to find a balance,Try the cool hip parent thing first with them,keep them busy and socially involved with you and the other family members its worth a try,no need to be in bedroooms if they can be outside chilling if the weathers ok maybe? Good luck with it!

Stop allowing your 14 year old CHILD to be alone with someone who they are romantically interested in.Its wrong.

@mumonthehill you're right. I have talked to him a couple of times. Despite usually being articulate I find I loose my way a bit and he looks so mortified and keeps cutting me off saying 'I know'.

I emailed his head of year at school last week. I know it's my responsibility to educate him but I wanted to know if anything has been covered at school. I know they covered the basics in primary and assume something has been discussed since but I'm not sure. Plus with schools being closed for so long I'm not sure if things were missed.