Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

233 replies

freckles20 · 27/05/2021 17:28

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
moynomore · 27/05/2021 20:21

@Comefromaway it doesn't surprise me that some overzealous members of the police may be misinformed or have misinterpreted.

From the NSPCC website:

The law is there to protect children from abuse or exploitation, rather than to prosecute under-16s who participate in mutually consenting sexual activity.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:24

The CPS guidelines are explicit that the 13-15 law is there to enable action with coercion etc.

It states that it is not in the public interest to prosecute similarly aged teens who engage in consensual mutual activity. And that's a good thing.

I have looked through and still can't find your post so not sure what you said.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:25

I know this because I post on feminism a lot and a lot of people say silly things about the law that are incorrect. I practically have the sex offences act on bookmark.

Fighting the good fight and all that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 27/05/2021 20:29

@moynomore

I'm no Pearl clutcher but I wasn't wanking off boys at 14

Using this type of language in this situation seems quite inflammatory. These are teens experimenting, not "wanking" each other off.

I'm in my 40s and still seem to have some hang ups, which I believe stem somewhat from my mum's attitude towards sex when I was a teen.

I mean, that's literally what she was doing though
PattyPan · 27/05/2021 20:30

@Faultymain5

I didn't want to read and run. I'm not sure how much I can really help you hear as. At 14 for my son it was downstairs with guests. At 19 the door still needs to remain open.

What I will say from experience, is if the door is open you know what is going on, but they could easily go elsewhere where you have no idea.

I'd talk to them both about their responsibiilties.

Sorry but wtf? You make your adult son keep his door open?! That’s taking it a bit far Confused

OP, I think it’s a good idea to discuss his readiness with him. I would also remind him of the need for safety. You can also let him know that doesn’t need to go upstairs if he feels pressured by the gf’s shyness to be out of the communal areas. Maybe you could come up with a code eg asking you if you know where his hoodie is means he wants you to ask them to stay downstairs. Doing things together to get to know her a bit better/make her feel more comfortable in your company is a good idea too - ask DS if he has ideas?
Do you know the gf’s parents? Could you speak to them or get them to speak to her as well, about her readiness and the need for contraception regardless of gender identity?

Joeblack066 · 27/05/2021 20:31

So you ban it and they end up doing what they’re doing elsewhere. How will that improve the situation?
He is clearly happy with his partner, (yes a 14yo can have a partner and be non binary), they have clearly contributed to his improved MH, why would you damage that?
As a mum of 4 grown ups I would suggest that you have a talk about safe sex, about waiting until they are sure about their feelings, about all showing a little more respect. Then tell him your glad he’s happy and get to know this young person for themselves, as they’re obviously important to your son.

PattyPan · 27/05/2021 20:34

@HJL400 it’s absolutely normal to start experimenting at this age. In Germany the age of consent is 14 ffs.

TheMamaYo · 27/05/2021 20:35

To me, the most important part of this will be for your son to be able to talk to you openly, and honestly. Not just for his mental health, which is obviously one of the top priorities, but also just to reassure him that exploring is natural, normal at his age. I am 100% with the previous posters saying it’s better to have them safe at home, and communication open. They’ll find a way. Consent, protection, what to do if things go wrong, will be some of the things to cover. They need to know that they can come to you.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:36

She said his fly was undone.

I mean they could have just been having a feel.

Blimey.

I think officially euphemistically it's called 'a bit of a kiss and a cuddle). Or a fondle. Grope? Bit of a feel Grin

They're 14 and she is very shy, you make it sound like she had expertise which is a bit bleurgh.

Don't you remember your first sexual experiences, assuming they were with boys as clueless as you were!!

Lizzie523 · 27/05/2021 20:36

Agree with what @Ickythefirebobby said. In the cases where my boyfriend and were kept a close eye on in the personal home, we ended up opting for stolen moments as often as we could in other places.

We became sexually active at 14, had sex shortly before I was 16. Once the genie was out the bottle, there would've been no putting it back in.

I was in that relationship for several years and it was a very happy time overall. I'd be careful about how you handle it because this year has been tough and it sounds like the relationship is good for your son. Obviously you want them to be safe and understand consequences etc

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 27/05/2021 20:38

I have said this before but when Ds1 was in year 10 a girl in his year was pregnant and the Dad was in year 9. For those few who were engaging in sex at this time it certainly put a stop to some of them. The year 10 boys were especially horrified when they knew that this year 9 boy did not want to become a father and yet the time for realising that this decision was out of his hands had long passed. That goes for all boys and men. The girl/woman makes the decision whether to continue the pregnancy.

For me the fact that they have broken your rules means downstairs for the foreseeable until they can earn back your trust. He also cannot cut you off saying I know, he needs to hear it, he broke the rules, things could have gone further.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:39

I'm still interested in this police thing. What the circs were.

Because I mean be sensible.

If the police aren't interested in what was being done, and still is being done in Rotherham etc, and charges for rape are at 1.5 % of reports... The idea the police would say they would look to charge two 14 yo for underage consensual canoodling (another good word!) sounds bizarre.

Unless they were looking to up their rates with an easy caution or something which wouldn't be a surprise in which case I'd be keen to know what force it is.

MeridianB · 27/05/2021 20:40

Another vote for keeping them downstairs from now. And have an honest, calm talk with DS.

Also, you could have 100 posters on this thread saying Its fine to be doing this and more at 14 but all that matters is what is best/right for your son and you/your family.

viques · 27/05/2021 20:42

I take it that his friend is shy , and maybe confused about a lot of things, but it won’t help to develop their social skills if they slope off into your ds bedroom. Being part of your family life by being in rooms with the rest of the family , even in a not very chatty way, will help break down barriers and develop both of their social skills and confidence, and also possibly take away the pressure and opportunities to experiment sexually , which from the sound of it neither of them are emotionally or socially mature to be doing .

moynomore · 27/05/2021 20:44

They're 14 and she is very shy, you make it sound like she had expertise which is a bit bleurgh.

Agree. No need for posters to start using terms like "wanking him off". These are kids experimenting and don't need to be shamed.

Again, I would never in a million years encourage my children to become sexually active at 14 (hopefully that actually goes without saying), but, at this point for the OP, coming down hard on the DS will do no good.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:46

@viques

I take it that his friend is shy , and maybe confused about a lot of things, but it won’t help to develop their social skills if they slope off into your ds bedroom. Being part of your family life by being in rooms with the rest of the family , even in a not very chatty way, will help break down barriers and develop both of their social skills and confidence, and also possibly take away the pressure and opportunities to experiment sexually , which from the sound of it neither of them are emotionally or socially mature to be doing .
Well that's one sure fire way of keeping them away from OPs house Grin
30littletoes · 27/05/2021 20:50

Hmmm- I appear to be outside of the consensus here but surely this is safer at home? After open and frank conversations about safe sex, contraception and responsibility.
I would also say that her parents need to be aware, but you can’t watch them both all the time/outside, plus in a few months presumably house parties will resume- then what?

By making it into a problem I would feel it would still happen but be more ‘hidden’ from you/ not discussed with you for advice or information, which I think is worse.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 20:54

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post. I'm really grateful.

OP posts:
Moonwatcher1234 · 27/05/2021 21:08

I worry about the pressure of our hyper sexualised society on our children...because 14 is still a child.

Lizzie523 · 27/05/2021 21:12

When my boyfriend and I became sexually active at 14, we had no prior exposure to porn or sexual conversations. We acted purely on hormones and feelings for each other so I think that is a non starter and too simplistic to look it at that way.

Good luck OP.

DavidTheDog · 27/05/2021 21:12

Flowers OP you've had a bit of a hard time and I'm not sure why.

It all seems pretty heavy and intense at the moment so I'd treat this with humour, lots of breezy 'embarrassing mum' stuff as suggested above.

I'd also stop the bedroom time. They're 14, to some extent they're supposed to struggle to find privacy at that age. Also, I'm a little concerned about her being too shy to say "Hello Mrs Freckles" but not to break your rules under your roof.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 21:13

It also sounds like it didn't go very well so guessing they're going to dial back for a bit anyway.

2bazookas · 27/05/2021 21:15

I think you need to just be quite open and matter of fact with both of them and say " Sorry, you two need to cool it a bit. So you won't be able to hang out in his room any more. From now on, stay downstairs."

I would also contact the friend's parents to explain your son is vulnerable and why you are restricting them to downstairs only.

PattyPan · 27/05/2021 21:21

@Moonwatcher1234 I don’t think that’s it to be honest - if you go back a couple of hundred years they were getting married at that age. Teenage hormones are a force of nature! What we are fortunate to have now, though, is contraception.

Moonwatcher1234 · 27/05/2021 21:27

Oh totally agree...yes, marriage at very young ages was the norm. My concern arises mainly from the fairly recent massive increase in access to porn for young people and the resulting effects (there has been lots of research on this). I suppose my worry is that children may feel pressurised and/or expected to engage in activity they themselves are too young/ not ready for.