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Original poster

How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

233 replies

freckles20 · 27/05/2021 17:28

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Londontown12 · 27/05/2021 17:53

It’s so tricky isn’t it !!! No matter what u say to them they will do as they please so I think the only way round this is not allow them in the bedroom but then their more than likely gunna do it when their out I guess u need a frank talk about staying safe and repect and consent ect ect x

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 17:56

@lazylump72

Dvds and pizza downstairs maybe sort of like asking your sons partner to join in a family event? Now this may not be your thing at all but it will do a couple of things for you as a parent,It will help you engage with both of them on a more social level and it will also help you to gently enforce your rules and appropriate boundaries without being seen as the bad guy! If things are made to be more family orientated when the partner comes by it also serves two fold in taking the pressure off if one of them wishes to progress the relationship to a more intimate level than the other one,Does that make sense? No bedrooms more come and join us we would love to spend time with you both for a while and catch up with you kind of thing? However you will I suspect have to deal with the issue that intimacy is or has occured and all you can do then is to have a chat with your son and make sure he knows how to be safe and keep his partner safe too, Its such a difficult time and the kids are so much more forward than I suspect we were,Gently handled would be my way I think if it was me but whilst you can have a certain amount of control you can;t be on guard all the time, I dont envy you OP its so hard to try to find a balance,Try the cool hip parent thing first with them,keep them busy and socially involved with you and the other family members its worth a try,no need to be in bedroooms if they can be outside chilling if the weathers ok maybe? Good luck with it!
This is a liven idea @lazylump72. However, it's really tricky. His 'gf' is incredibly shy. She looks like she wants the ground to swallow her up when I say hello.

I always make a point of saying hello and goodbye in a bright and breezy way. She replies in a tiny voice.

DS says she's shy and anxious.

I feel that pushing it will make her feel even worse....

OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 27/05/2021 17:58

@HollowTalk

Gah! She'd find out how binary she is if she got pregnant.
I don't mean to laugh, but this did make me chuckle Smile

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mumonthehill · 27/05/2021 17:59

I often get the I know speech! So you stop him and you say no you do not know. That you respect his privacy but he has crossed a line and he needs to take guidance and support from you. Now is not the time for embarrassment, you can do this but you have to be frank and honest. This cannot be undone but it can be moved past. You sound like you are trying your best, and I know it can be so hard to have these conversations.

Nocutenamesleft · 27/05/2021 18:01

I’d say. You’ve blown this. I can’t rust you. I have a legal duty to protect both of you

You’re not allowed in your room together. I know it could happen elsewhere. But right now is quite a good time to implement this. He could get into trouble if someone in the law finds out.

I’d then say but you’re able to rent my trust back. So make sure that something positive comes out. I’d also make sure he knows about safe sex etc. But that legally you’ve got to protect the him and the girl. That would be my course of action

I’d say that after a few weeks that they’ll be back allowed in his room. With the door open. Then closed or whatever

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 18:02

@mumonthehill thank you for understanding. It is really tough. I absolutely will take the bull by the horns though.

OP posts:
ANiceCupOfCoffee · 27/05/2021 18:02

Again... diddums to him.

His actions (and hers) have consequences.

wearetheweirdosmr · 27/05/2021 18:02

I would totally go the embarrassing mum route.

Have them both sit at the table and go though what they know about sex and relationships, what the law is and why and then talk safe sex and enthusiastic consent. Sexual health and anything else that makes them both squirm.

I'd also add a healthy dose of babies and responsibility.

But then my kids would fully expect me to embarrass them rather than 'punish' them.
Embarrassed is a bigger deterrent at this age.
I remember being walked in on my by BF mother when we were 19. It was mortifying and certainly put a crimp in our seclude for quite a while afterwards.

I also really struggle with your use of the word partner for a teenage relationship. I find it is used far to frequently to describe short term relationships on MN in general. But I can see why.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 27/05/2021 18:07

I think you are more worried about this than you need to be because of Covid and the impact on young people and his suicidal thoughts. You said exactly the right thing, he was clearly mortified and thats the right reaction. Because you already let them be together I think you have to be rational and sensitive but not naive. I would talk about the consequences of unwanted pregnancy at this age. Remember no contraception is 100% effective. What is her situation at home? If you are very strict about being downstairs now are they likely to go off at hers? Maybe a compromise like not spending the whole evening upstairs and door open when they are upstairs. See how they respond to that.

BadgeronaMoped · 27/05/2021 18:08

Bloody hell Envy dreading this stage with my boys... Definitely just drum in the CONDOMS, also respect. I was 15 when I got my first proper boyfriend and we'd only ever fool around if nobody else was in the house. It sounds like you handled it well, I'd be telling them to bugger off outside!

diddl · 27/05/2021 18:10

" His 'gf' is incredibly shy."

Not too shy to be exploring sex in someone else's house!

Blankspace101 · 27/05/2021 18:12

DS says she's shy and anxious.

Bet they didn’t seem shy when their hands were down your sons pants.

Nocutenamesleft · 27/05/2021 18:13

@diddl

" His 'gf' is incredibly shy."

Not too shy to be exploring sex in someone else's house!

Exactly!
RockPainting · 27/05/2021 18:14

I'd be very uncomfortable with a girl who's too shy to even say hello to me to be alone in a room in my house with my son. They're both clearly WAY to immature for this.

Grit your teeth and tell him he needs to dial it RIGHT back... That they can hold hands in front of the TV if you want and go snogging on their long walks... But if he's old enough to be doing what you saw he's old enough to fully understand the consequences. Literally ask him what he'd do if they got STis? If she got pregnant? If it went further than he was comfortable and he wanted to stop? You need to teach them how to use the brakes.

I'd also be saying to him that he needs to think carefully about the whole non binary / partner rubbish... That way lies madness and another world of pain.

What have you got to lose? You'll have to get over your squeamishness PDQ if she does end up pregnant.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2021 18:15

Of course being shy doesn't mean you're that shy with everyone! But you need to act to protect her as much as him.

murbblurb · 27/05/2021 18:18

Cringe...but come on, he's got the plug and she's got the socket regardless of any oh so trendy descriptions. and they clearly both have the inclination for a game of hide the sausage.

No more in the bedroom. Remind them both about local laws regarding age of consent, and how to do contraception. They can book a Travelodge when one of them is 16.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 18:19

@MistySkiesAfterRain

I think you are more worried about this than you need to be because of Covid and the impact on young people and his suicidal thoughts. You said exactly the right thing, he was clearly mortified and thats the right reaction. Because you already let them be together I think you have to be rational and sensitive but not naive. I would talk about the consequences of unwanted pregnancy at this age. Remember no contraception is 100% effective. What is her situation at home? If you are very strict about being downstairs now are they likely to go off at hers? Maybe a compromise like not spending the whole evening upstairs and door open when they are upstairs. See how they respond to that.
She doesn't like being at home. DS rarely visits her house.
OP posts:
Feeasco · 27/05/2021 18:21

It must be incredibly difficult, knowing your son is struggling with his mental health and seeing him happy, I understand that it must be heartbreaking to take that away from him. Relationships at this age can be turbulent and short-lived and not relied on to plaster over his unhappiness. I think,despite his unhappiness you need to be consistent and hold him to book re his behaviour. As he gets older he will possibly challenge you more and if you let your guilt (compassion?) over his mental health interfere with your duty to him as a mum, you may make things more difficult down the line. Even older teens need to know you are in control. Imagine the guilt, awkwardness around friends if stories got out, the drama of a pregnancy and break up after an intense relationship. Is he ready to take that all on given his mental health at the moment? He needs to take responsibility for his mental health as well. Continue to be avilable when he needs you and listen, but hold him accountable for his choices. That way he can be proud and guilt free. I would think the open living space is adequate. They are both very young. Lots of strength to you, there are many mums out there in a similar position ❤

windysocks · 27/05/2021 18:22

@HollowTalk exactly!

Beautiful3 · 27/05/2021 18:23

I would personally stop them from being alone together in his room. From now on, its downstairs in full view. What ever his girlfriend identify as, she still has the capacity to become pregnant.

windysocks · 27/05/2021 18:25

Why does she not like being at home? Could it be because she wouldn't be able to do what she does at your home ?

Comefromaway · 27/05/2021 18:26

I personally think that schools go on about consent too much in PHSE etc and without focusing on the fact that a 14/15 year old CANNOT LEGALLY CONSENT to any kind of sexual activity.

You need to protect your son from the consequences because even though he thinks there is consent, there isn’t at that age. How to do this is the tricky part.

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 27/05/2021 18:26

@windysocks

Why does she not like being at home? Could it be because she wouldn't be able to do what she does at your home ?
That was the first thing that crossed my mind.

They’re children demonstrating that they need to be given boundaries like children.

Redwinestillfine · 27/05/2021 18:27

If I was her Mum I'd want to know. Are you able to speak to her?

katy1213 · 27/05/2021 18:28

I wouldn't be too bothered about embarrassing them -that's what mothers are for.
And she'll absolutely find that non-binary is not a contraceptive method!
I wouldn't be pandering to the little madam by calling her a 'partner' whatever she thinks she is this week!

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