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Original poster

How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

233 replies

freckles20 · 27/05/2021 17:28

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 18:29

@Feeasco your post is very wise. I do worry what will happen when this relationship inevitably becomes turbulent.

I have spent months worrying about him, especially when I realised exactly how unwell he was. He's worked hard to feel better and I'm really proud of him. But I know this has the potential to derail things.

I think maybe I have been treading too carefully for fear of his mental health taking a nosedive. I know that's stupid of me, but believe me the terror I've felt about him doing something awful to himself has knocked me and my parenting confidence sideways .

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/05/2021 18:35

14-year-old do not have partners, FFS. No more being in his room. YY, she'd find out how binary she was if she became pregnant.

helpmum2003 · 27/05/2021 18:36

I totally understand your concerns OP and am in a similar situation.

I just wanted to correct a comment by @Comefromaway. Children under 16 can consent to sex, although it's not legal. In law children under 13 cannot consent to sex.
Having said that I will be discouraging my U16 to consent to it!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PaperbackRider · 27/05/2021 18:36

He doesn't have a partner, ffs. He's a child and so is she.

diddl · 27/05/2021 18:38

His mental health can't be used to let his take the piss though.

They can still see each other-just not in the bedroom with the door closed.

Wearywithteens · 27/05/2021 18:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 27/05/2021 18:38

Have you not spoken to him about sex and relationships at all?

FlorrieLindley · 27/05/2021 18:40

Your son and his partner/girlfriend have demonstrated they can't be trusted to be alone in the bedroom - even though they knew you could walk in at any moment. Does he know about the risk of pregnancy? Does she?

Time to enforce the rule that they stay downstairs when they are together for the foreseeable future. Yes, they could get up to all sorts away from your house, but you have to start instilling some sense into him..

Branleuse · 27/05/2021 18:46

I think you just need to reiterate the rules about safe sex, consent and the law. Not taking things too far.
Its normal for them to be interested and want to fool around at that age.
Lol at the drama about the word partner. I guess its kind of awkward.
Significant other? NBfriend? Love interest? Partner in crime?

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 27/05/2021 18:46

I’d love to see his mental health improve (and her family relationships) if they took it further and she got pregnant.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 18:49

I used the word partner in an attempt not to derail the thread by calling someone who identifies as non binary a 'girlfriend' . I'm sorry that it caused offence.

The non binary thing is a whole other issue. However, telling DS it is all nonsense and riding roughshod over stuff that for whatever reason he feels strongly about would make things worse. The non binary brigade thrive on telling young people that parents who don't understand are evil and I don't want to play into that narrative .

OP posts:
Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 18:51

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

I’d love to see his mental health improve (and her family relationships) if they took it further and she got pregnant.
I'm aware of that @ANiceCupOfCoffee. Your post sounds sneery. I get your point entirely, but having spent a long time struggling to accept my son felt suicidal has probably made me overly sensitive to that kind of tone.
OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 27/05/2021 18:52

@freckles20

I used the word partner in an attempt not to derail the thread by calling someone who identifies as non binary a 'girlfriend' . I'm sorry that it caused offence.

The non binary thing is a whole other issue. However, telling DS it is all nonsense and riding roughshod over stuff that for whatever reason he feels strongly about would make things worse. The non binary brigade thrive on telling young people that parents who don't understand are evil and I don't want to play into that narrative .

He's not on mumsnet is he? Just call her what she is and stop confusing things
Branleuse · 27/05/2021 18:53

@freckles20

I used the word partner in an attempt not to derail the thread by calling someone who identifies as non binary a 'girlfriend' . I'm sorry that it caused offence.

The non binary thing is a whole other issue. However, telling DS it is all nonsense and riding roughshod over stuff that for whatever reason he feels strongly about would make things worse. The non binary brigade thrive on telling young people that parents who don't understand are evil and I don't want to play into that narrative .

Youre quite right. No matter what our views on it are, doesnt mean it isnt a sensitive issue, and its not as easy to be flippant and scoff when its someone close to you. You dont want to push them into the arms of some glitter family
Branleuse · 27/05/2021 18:55

Hardly confusing things is it. Everyone knew perfectly well what OP meant

Ickythefirebobby · 27/05/2021 18:56

Would you rather they were on a park bench. Whilst no responsible parent would want their child to be engaging in sexual activity, at least his partner is age appropriate. No one from law enforcement is going to be interested in two 14 year olds having sex or sexual activity.

Personally I would encourage them to be in the family areas of the house rather than in the bedroom and I would make his partner very welcome. The last thing you want is them being secretive. Keep the lines of communication as open as you can. I totally agree with the advice of @lazylump72

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/05/2021 18:56

I wonder if, in addition to tackling the sexual activity directly, you might want to try and push for more social activity that doesn't revolve completely around his partner?

Given your DS's MH problems I understand how the partner seems like a bit of a lifeline in someways, but such and intense relationship has the potential to become a flash point for more problems if it goes wrong. Shoring up his other friendships could build some resiliency - and, hopefully, be a bit of a distraction that will slow down the sexual exploration.

Inviting a group of his (and the partner's) friends around for a BBQ or facilitating a trip somewhere, etc. So that it isn't just you that's the dampener on them getting too passionate and they have other things to think about at least some of the time.

HellonHeels · 27/05/2021 18:56

@wearetheweirdosmr

I would totally go the embarrassing mum route.

Have them both sit at the table and go though what they know about sex and relationships, what the law is and why and then talk safe sex and enthusiastic consent. Sexual health and anything else that makes them both squirm.

I'd also add a healthy dose of babies and responsibility.

But then my kids would fully expect me to embarrass them rather than 'punish' them.
Embarrassed is a bigger deterrent at this age.
I remember being walked in on my by BF mother when we were 19. It was mortifying and certainly put a crimp in our seclude for quite a while afterwards.

I also really struggle with your use of the word partner for a teenage relationship. I find it is used far to frequently to describe short term relationships on MN in general. But I can see why.

I think this is the way to go.
NewlyGranny · 27/05/2021 18:56

DS shouldn't be interrupting you with "I know," when you're laying down the law about house rules he had broken!

Have him write down what he actually does know and see how many paragraphs he can muster, I reckon!

Have him explore the scenario where he gets her pregnant and how they would both feel, how their lives would change etc. They are playing with fire and they could get badly burnt. Is that what he wants?

Public areas of the house only from here on, I'd say, as they have shown themselves untrustworthy.

And talk to the "partner's" parents. Shy be bothered!

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 27/05/2021 18:57

Make her welcome, but have the talk about pregnancy, the law, not enabling a crime and tell him on his own that it would be him up in front of the judge and potentially on the sex offenders register, which would not be fair, but, the law is the law and you are not going to make a rapist of your son.

Probably add some punctuation and some less dramatic language to that, I'm two glasses of wine down after a Very Difficult Day With Teenager myself.

Best of luck. I'd be delighted if my son was trembling after getting caught having his willy felt, bit of fear is a useful parenting tool!

VitalSpark · 27/05/2021 18:58

@BrownEyedGirl80

Stop allowing your 14 year old CHILD to be alone with someone who they are romantically interested in.Its wrong.
It isn't wrong it is completely natural, stopping them is wrong. Let them have their privacy BUT make sure they both know about protection. They are much safer shagging at home than in a field or down an alley which is exactly what they will do if they aren't treated respectfully at home.
QuentinBunbury · 27/05/2021 18:58

This thread has confused me Confused I think its to be expected for 14 year olds to do "heavy petting" for want of a better phrase and I definitely wouldn't be horrified!

I'd assume they were mortified at being caught out, I'd be enforcing open door and checking on them more often. I'd also talk about contraception and age of consent. But I wouldn't be judging or angry.

gingerandproud4always · 27/05/2021 18:58

Did nobody else do this sort of thing at 14/15?

Ickythefirebobby · 27/05/2021 19:00

@Comefromaway

I personally think that schools go on about consent too much in PHSE etc and without focusing on the fact that a 14/15 year old CANNOT LEGALLY CONSENT to any kind of sexual activity.

You need to protect your son from the consequences because even though he thinks there is consent, there isn’t at that age. How to do this is the tricky part.

They can legally consent to sex at 14 and 15. The offence is sexual activity with a child. A child under 13 can’t consent.
HJL400 · 27/05/2021 19:04

@QuentinBunbury

This thread has confused me Confused I think its to be expected for 14 year olds to do "heavy petting" for want of a better phrase and I definitely wouldn't be horrified!

I'd assume they were mortified at being caught out, I'd be enforcing open door and checking on them more often. I'd also talk about contraception and age of consent. But I wouldn't be judging or angry.

To be expected at 14??? They are children FFS!!