How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

[freckles20]

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

@QuentinBunbury

To be expected at 14??? They are children FFS!! Maybe I just had a misspent youth . It is part of the fun of being a teen though isn't it? A bit of groping, trying stuff out but not actual sex...

I would say heavy petting at 14 is pretty normal 🤨 and I haven’t led a particularly debauched life.

Both me and my best friend (and a few others in our close friendship group) "lost it" at 14.

My best friend's mum was of the "they're going to do what they're going to do, and I'd rather they had all the facts, a safe environment, and an experienced ear to talk to" school of thought. Best friend was on the pill, always had condoms, boyfriend was well known to her etc.

My mum was... well she was intense. She'd had a mum exactly like my best friend's and went polar opposite on me - as parents often do.

When my mum inevitably found out I'd "done the deed" (because mums always find out) she was extremely angry, embarrassed me, contacted the boy's parents which embarrassed me further, grounded me for a month, removed my TV, and even when I finally escaped the grounding I had severe restrictions on basically every aspect of my social life (which I found devious ways to get around i.e I'm staying with X friend, I would call from X friend's house phone to confirm we were home, then spend the night drunk in a field).

I can't even explain how much I wished I could have had my friend's mum, and how much her parenting approach (not just to sex, to basically everything!) fractured our relationship.

As a parent now, I can absolutely see she was doing her very best to protect me and I respect her for that, we are extremely close now.

But as a teenager I really resented her. There were times when I really needed her (i.e, after I was raped) and I felt like I couldn't talk to her because I wasn't where I said I would be, and thought I'd be in serious trouble. I moved out and in with an older friend (who basically had a party house where drugs were rife) the minute I turned 16. I came to my senses eventually and moved in with my grandma, and things got a lot better.

That was pretty long, and extreme. But my daughter is approaching that age soon (I was pregnant at 17... yup) and while I do not want to be her best friend, every parenting decision I make regarding how much freedom she has, and my reaction when she inevitably fucks up, is based on the knowledge that if she wants to do it, she will probably find a way, and if she does, how dangerous is that going to be, and is my behaviour going to influence our relationship going forward?

Do I want her to be out drunk in a field, or do I want her first experiences of alcohol to be at home, with me, where she is safe and I can limit the risks?

Do I want her to lose her virginity at 14 in the back of an allyway, get pregnant, and not be able to tell me about any of it? Or do I want to accept that 14 year olds have sex, help her with contraception, educate her on consent, and look the other way if she's in an environment where she feels safe and also confident enough to say no. If a teen feels like things are going too far, or changes their mind, are they going to feel more confident saying that when it's just the two of them in a house, or out in a field with a big group of peers all getting up to the same stuff in the near vicinity?

Basically OP I would tread very carefully and perhaps consider reframing from "how do I stop them having sex" to "how can I protect them best?" And there has to be an element of assuming that at 14, they will find a way to do it anyway if they really want to.

Hm. Random thoughts:

• it’s perfectly natural, even healthy, for a 14 yr old boy and girl who are romantically involved to be fooling around under clothes.
• as long as no one is having sex and everything is enthusiastically consensual on both sides (and no photos!!) does it actually matter?
• you cannot stop this. If you ban it in the house it will happen outside.
• My main worry is that you stressing at him over his developing sexual urges will give him hang ups in later life. It isn’t the end of the world if he gets a hand job from his girlfriend (I know she wants to be called nonbinary, but I find that term offensive). It is much worse if he ends up being one of those guys who comes too soon cos he’s in a panic his parents will find out / thinks of his mum whenever he starts something sexual.

@MagicSummer

14 is way too young for a sexual relationship and illegal, whatever 'it' thinks 'it' is.

Wow. I hope you don't have children with that attitude.

@Branleuse

Hardly confusing things is it. Everyone knew perfectly well what OP meant

I don't know - she seems to have been more lax than she would be with another girl because this one is non binary.

@Ickythefirebobby

Would you rather they were on a park bench. Whilst no responsible parent would want their child to be engaging in sexual activity, at least his partner is age appropriate. No one from law enforcement is going to be interested in two 14 year olds having sex or sexual activity.

Personally I would encourage them to be in the family areas of the house rather than in the bedroom and I would make his partner very welcome. The last thing you want is them being secretive. Keep the lines of communication as open as you can. I totally agree with the advice of @lazylump72

How likely is it that they will fondle each other on a park bench in the day time?

@Skysblue

Hm. Random thoughts:

• it’s perfectly natural, even healthy, for a 14 yr old boy and girl who are romantically involved to be fooling around under clothes.
• as long as no one is having sex and everything is enthusiastically consensual on both sides (and no photos!!) does it actually matter?
• you cannot stop this. If you ban it in the house it will happen outside.
• My main worry is that you stressing at him over his developing sexual urges will give him hang ups in later life. It isn’t the end of the world if he gets a hand job from his girlfriend (I know she wants to be called nonbinary, but I find that term offensive). It is much worse if he ends up being one of those guys who comes too soon cos he’s in a panic his parents will find out / thinks of his mum whenever he starts something sexual.

I pretty much completely agree with this.

I’d have thought you walking in on them has probably done more to put them off a repeat performance than anything else!

I’d simply re-enforce the boundaries you have already set out, ideally to both of them together, and point out that none of you want a recurrence of what happened so best if they keep their clothes on at all times. Remind them of 16 as the age of consent and that these rules are highly unlikely to change until then.

Then breezily move on!

I am sorry everyone but do you really think it is normal for a 14 year old to be having sex? Apart from the fact that it it illegal - it is far too much for a child (and yes, they are children) to come to terms with it?

How likely is it that they will fondle each other on a park bench in the day time?

My friend lost her virginity on a park bench. Regrets it now, obviously.

Also is there some rule that teens do not go out after dark? In my part of the country it's dark before tea time in the winter.

They aren't having sex

It is much worse if he ends up being one of those guys who comes too soon cos he’s in a panic his parents will find out / thinks of his mum whenever he starts something sexual.
Hadn't even thought of this but you are totally right.

It isn't wrong it is completely natural, stopping them is wrong.
Let them have their privacy BUT make sure they both know about protection.
They are much safer shagging at home than in a field or down an alley which is exactly what they will do if they aren't treated respectfully at home.

This is awful. Stopping two 14 year olds from engaging in sexual activity is wrong? Jeez.

I'm no Pearl clutcher but I wasn't wanking off boys at 14 and nor were my friends. It's not a universal experience. Even if it is fairly normal to be looking to experiment at 14 there need to be boundaries! In the bedroom while mum is downstairs is totally unacceptable and disrespectful.

Won't it be more awkward to talk to her if she was pregnant.

He needs to understand he's blown it. Actions have consequences.

Personally I would tread gently. He knows he’s too young. Talking will have greater effect than going in all guns blazing, or using sanctions.

Wow this thread is interesting. It's very very subjective, isn't it because it comes down a lot to what age you believe is OK to start experimenting...and that probably is rooted in your own experience. The laws around underage sex are largely to prevent child pregnancies, and to avoid adults taking advantage of children. Don't think anyone would argue with the logic of that. But taking actual penetrative sex out of it...if two teens the same age choose consentingly to experiment together, does it not teach them to feel embarrassed and guilty about sexual feelings to stop them? By all means ensure that they are consenting and understand safety....but some of the reactions on here seem very over the top.

I am sorry everyone but do you really think it is normal for a 14 year old to be having sex?

I'm not sure about "normal" but taking a hard line at this point isn't going to help the situation. Not sure how, say, forbidding sexual activity is going to play out between these two. Better to keep the lines of communication open and not freak out.

I have two adult sons so it's familiar ground.
Be as frank and embarrassing as necessary.

While you really, really don't want them going further, be aware that they might, and put a box of condoms in the family bathroom. Don't let embarrassment on their part lead to pregnancy.

@ThatWasntThePlan I agree. The NSPCC itself notes that consent laws are absolutely not to turn two 14 year olds who engage is sexual activity into criminals. All this talk about "it's illegal!!!" is not helpful at all.

Given everything you’ve said I think going in all guns blazing as some previous posters suggest is a terrible idea.

I remember being a teen and having my first boyfriend. There wasn’t a way in hell that my parents would have stopped me simply by having stricter rules in the house. If it’s going to happen it’s going to happen and if it was my DS I’d rather it happened in the safety of my home with some open conversations and support from you should he have any concerns.

I'm no Pearl clutcher but I wasn't wanking off boys at 14

Using this type of language in this situation seems quite inflammatory. These are teens experimenting, not "wanking" each other off.

I'm in my 40s and still seem to have some hang ups, which I believe stem somewhat from my mum's attitude towards sex when I was a teen.

We were misinformed then. By the police no less.

Beeeeep yes and there are no very quiet places with park benches are there. Or secluded corners etc etc etc

They obviously need to fully understand the implications of pregnancy. STDs are worth covering, too.

So you need to have the safe sex conversation and it needs to be totally clear, there is no room for embarrasment etc.

Consent is also something you need to discuss.

Other than that - I would generally suggest that it's far preferable that your son (and even his girlfriend, perhaps) are comfortable raising issues with you. Safety is the number one priority, followed by avoiding unwanted pregnancy. I would not be imposing hard boundaries for the sake of it. Trust is absolutely crucial, if you want to avoid either massive fights and rebellion or your DS sneaking around behind your back.

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/early-teens/trust

If they don't do it at yours then they will outside

Very surprise more people haven't said this! Incredibly naive to think otherwise

Comefromaway sorry I can't find your previous post.

What was the situation that you were talking to the police about two 14yo having a consensual snog and grope?

I would search but my settings have gone funny and I can't get all messages on one page any more which is a massive pita