How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

[freckles20]

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

@CokeDrinker I think you may be right. One thing is for sure and that's that I genuinely don't know a ought to judge, and I'm not going to judge.

@CokeDrinker I was a painfully shy child, unhappy at home, and many adults were suspicious of me because I was SO quiet…..

Just to clarify, you are projecting. Everyone comes at it from their own perspective. I never said she was some kind of sex demon, I said she could easily be someone who takes advantage of this freedom that she may not have at her house.

By the way I was and am extremely shy around people I don’t know. It didn’t stop me using situations to my advantage. No person is only one thing.

Maybe she doesn't like being at her house because her mother doesn't allow her to be alone in her bedroom with a boy.

I think your rules are good. Tell him to expect you to continue walking in randomly and keep reiterating that clothes must stay on and door open.

If they break the rules there should be consequences but these should not involve forcing them out of the house to shag in a bush. Maybe it should be a really cringe family chat with all parents (including partner’s parents) about contraception, consent and being a teenage parent.

@moynomore

Safer at home maybe but acceptable whilst mum is in the house? Not at all

Ah, so they should be sneaking around. I'm not actively encouraging 14 year olds fooling around (which, to be honest, sounds like was going on here and not sex), but what it the message here. Go for it, but not when mum is home?

I don't have sex whilst my son is awake in the house. I don't expect him to do so either. I'm not sure why that is a controversial position.

I don't have sex whilst my son is awake in the house. I don't expect him to do so either. I'm not sure why that is a controversial position.

You should try the bathroom.

Also aren't teens basically nocturnal nowadays? I don't think your position is necessarily controversial but it sounds kinda impractical. If nobody knows, how is it a problem?

@gingerandproud4always

Did nobody else do this sort of thing at 14/15?

I did, and had safe sex. No wonder teen pregnancy is so high in the UK if everyone says to not have sex because of pregnancy. At that age I knew about condoms, femidoms, the pill and the pessary. We were educated about how to have safe sex instead of "don't have sex she might become pregnant".

I’m surprised how many people are thinking they could actively prevent their dc from having sex whilst allowing them a normal social life. Not Under My Roof is well and good, but they’ll find other opportunities, eventually.

The DC were not having sex. I think fooling around, a fumble under clothes is fairly typical behaviour at that age. Have the discussion of safe sex, of not getting carried away in the heat of the moment, of communicating, etc.