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Original poster

How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

233 replies

freckles20 · 27/05/2021 17:28

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
ContessaVerde · 27/05/2021 19:05

Have you had a cucumber out and shown him exactly how to use a condom?

BrumCahoots · 27/05/2021 19:08

@HollowTalk .. too right .. if this was my son he'd be getting a massive safe sex lecture .. my son is also 20 and at Uni so he does what he likes and I have no clue ! .. OP .. I do understand your worries, you are happy because he is happier now .. but don't let him hold you hostage and take the piss.

scaredsadandstuck · 27/05/2021 19:08

@QuentinBunbury

This thread has confused me Confused I think its to be expected for 14 year olds to do "heavy petting" for want of a better phrase and I definitely wouldn't be horrified!

I'd assume they were mortified at being caught out, I'd be enforcing open door and checking on them more often. I'd also talk about contraception and age of consent. But I wouldn't be judging or angry.

This is what I've been thinking. And what @gingerandproud4always said. It's normal teen behaviour. Wanking your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't not automatically mean they're going to have sex!! I know I spent a good couple of years at the "heavy petting" stage before having sex.

Anyway, regardless you're entitled to set your own rules in your own home and I guess the consequences of not following them is the partner isn't allowed upstairs.

However from memory, they'll find out whose house is empty and when and go there.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
pissface · 27/05/2021 19:08

@QuentinBunbury

This thread has confused me Confused I think its to be expected for 14 year olds to do "heavy petting" for want of a better phrase and I definitely wouldn't be horrified!

I'd assume they were mortified at being caught out, I'd be enforcing open door and checking on them more often. I'd also talk about contraception and age of consent. But I wouldn't be judging or angry.

Agree with this tbh
MatildaTheCat · 27/05/2021 19:09

At their age they understand the concepts behind being responsible and the repercussions of sex but they absolutely don’t understand the power of their hormones and the urges to get down to it.

Tell him in a very cheerful and matter of fact way that you’ve seen that they can’t manage to stick to the rules and therefore they’ll have to stay downstairs or in the garden. Remind him that dealing with her parents might be a very scary thing indeed and that yes, it’s a difficult one but the law says 16 is the age of consent and they are just not equipped to deal with all this at the moment so you have to be the parent and do what’s right.

If they find somewhere else to go so be it. They probably will.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 19:10

Ok we have had a 15 minute chat, and I'll return to it later.

It was complicated by him bursting into tears and saying he wanted to tell me that it was an experiment, a s he has decided he didn't enjoy it and it made him feel sick and he won't be doing it again. Sigh. I realise he probably made that up but calling him a liar won't help.

I said that that notwithstanding, we would be having a talk. I also said maybe that happened as he wasn't ready, which gives weight to the argument that they shouldn't be doing it.

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 27/05/2021 19:10

To be expected at 14??? They are children FFS!!
Maybe I just had a misspent youth Grin. It is part of the fun of being a teen though isn't it? A bit of groping, trying stuff out but not actual sex...

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 27/05/2021 19:14

Don't know why you're getting such hard hearted responses here, OP. Especially regarding using the word partner. If your DS's partner is non-binary then that term is correct and it helps to set a picture of the frankly boggling gender exploration that young people are navigating at the moment - however naively (something that most posters on mums net simply do not get, or have strong views on which derail threads).

I would try to take time to get to know the son's partner however shy they are, so that trust is there between you all. At the moment it's all very furtive which leads them to think your place is a place they can be private to ...get down to it (sorry!)

I'd say they are in the family room for a month, in that time you want to get to know them better. Then after that they can go to his room, door open CLOTHES STAY ON as a hard rule. Any clothes off or unbuttoned and it's over.

Onesipmore · 27/05/2021 19:15

I think the thread is getting derailed by posters picking on @freckles20 for her use of terminology. That is not the issue here and its not confusing!

I would suggest to him that he has broken the agreement of door open and taken it too far.Therefore he needs to hand out with her downstairs.Once you have the trust back maybe things will change. There is a lot of high handed comments on this thread.Yes they are children but most 14 year olds are getting up to a bit more than snogging at that stage.Im not saying full sex, but a bit more than a snog.
I think the judgey posters need to lay off judging and maybe help the OP with the questions she has, rather than sabotaging the thread.

Chosennone · 27/05/2021 19:16

I find this very difficult. I had a bf I adored at 14 and we did everything apart from sex outdoors Blush. In the old quarry, the kiddysbhut at the park, behind the bus stop. We had an heated entanglement in a skip full of old cardboard once!

This made me think I would rather let my teens experiment in a house. However, how young is too young and what if it then becomes expected. Very very tricky!

BrownEyedGirl80 · 27/05/2021 19:16

@VitalSpark I disagree.I think encouraging under age sex is wrong as they're not emotionally mature enough imo.I say that as someone who lost their virginity young.

howtocomplain · 27/05/2021 19:17

@gingerandproud4always

Did nobody else do this sort of thing at 14/15?
I certainly did, this thread is nuts!

I typed a long reply but lost it as I clicked an ad by mistake :(

Will post when I'm on the computer later, but the gist was it's a tightrope as of course we don't want 14 year olds having kids, but it'll be counterproductive if you make them feel bad for what are very natural feelings, driven by raging hormones.

Ducksurprise · 27/05/2021 19:22

I can not begin to understand the posters who want to embarrass their children, you won't stop them exploring but you will stop them being able to talk to you and proceed in a safe manner.

I also am saddened by the horror around semantics. Whilst I am firmly of the belief you can't change sex I understand that for many people, especially the young being listened to matters. They are not girlfriend and boyfriend as op Son and op are showing respect .

Op, just keep talking to him, talking to him and helping him have safe sexual experiences is not the same as encouraging it. Are they y9 or y10?

kindofcoping · 27/05/2021 19:22

I agree this is normal teen behaviour. Some on here are acting as if they are 10 years old.

Ducksurprise · 27/05/2021 19:24

@Chosennone

I find this very difficult. I had a bf I adored at 14 and we did everything apart from sex outdoors Blush. In the old quarry, the kiddysbhut at the park, behind the bus stop. We had an heated entanglement in a skip full of old cardboard once!

This made me think I would rather let my teens experiment in a house. However, how young is too young and what if it then becomes expected. Very very tricky!

Mine are teens and older now, they have said that the friends that regret losing their virginity did so in risky places, that they rushed because they thought it was their only chance.
PlanetOfTheApesLives · 27/05/2021 19:25

girl and boy - called themselves anything they like including non binary but it sounds bit of the old boy fancies girl stuff and they are still underage. No hand wringing but if she gets pregnant (born a girl and that non binary has a womb), changes mind after going to fair - dodgy area - etc etc etc legally under age no matter what they call themselves

CutieBear · 27/05/2021 19:26

First of all, I find it funny you’re referring to a 14 year old as a “partner” Grin You need to have the safe sex talk with your DS. He could get his girlfriend pregnant or catch an STI. Also talk about consent and peer pressure. He doesn’t have to do something if he doesn’t want to.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 27/05/2021 19:31

@QuentinBunbury

To be expected at 14??? They are children FFS!! Maybe I just had a misspent youth Grin. It is part of the fun of being a teen though isn't it? A bit of groping, trying stuff out but not actual sex...
Not from 14 though. I was 16/17. But maybe I was just a late developer (probably no "maybe" about it).

I think 14 is too young and I think the OP has taken the right approach. Apart from anything else whatever their gender identity, a biological girl of 14 can get pregnant. Not desirable at all!

camaleon · 27/05/2021 19:32

@QuentinBunbury

This thread has confused me Confused I think its to be expected for 14 year olds to do "heavy petting" for want of a better phrase and I definitely wouldn't be horrified!

I'd assume they were mortified at being caught out, I'd be enforcing open door and checking on them more often. I'd also talk about contraception and age of consent. But I wouldn't be judging or angry.

Thank goodness for this. I dont' think my kids (14 and 16) have had any real experience yet of this kind. I had a boyfriend between the ages of 13 and 16 and we did everything except penetration! I was not the odd one out among my friends.

You decide what to do in your house, but the tone of some people in this thread is totally OTT.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 19:32

I'm also surprised for the same reason a handful of other posters, isn't this completely normal for that age?!

You can tell him downstairs only.

Don't call his mum fgs!

It's getting warmer now so I think they'll be ok with the downstairs only rule.

The other thing is that they're obviously helping each other a lot with the whole Corona weird life thing so the last thing you want to do is Chuck a spanner in the works eg do something that means they can't see each other etc.

hahaboink · 27/05/2021 19:33

@gingerandproud4always

Did nobody else do this sort of thing at 14/15?
Yeah this is making me feel like I was a terrible teenager and that was 30 years ago!
Whoactuallyneedsaname · 27/05/2021 19:35

I’ve been reading this thread and thought exactly this. At that age I’d been at the “heavy petting” stage with several boyfriends. My parents were laid back and we had complete privacy in my room at home. But we’d have done it elsewhere if we weren’t given the privacy at home. At 15 I met my now husband; we’ve been together 20 years. Just because they’re “children” doesn’t mean they’re not emotionally mature enough for an adult-ish relationship.

CutieBear · 27/05/2021 19:37

Also, if he’s embarrassed about talking about sex, then he’s not mature enough to have sex. Tell him this.

moynomore · 27/05/2021 19:40

My kids are younger, but I don't really get the shock that two fourteen year olds are starting to experiment with intimacy. I mean, I wouldn't actively encourage it and would probably also have a rule that they stay out of bedrooms (maybe), but I can't imagine that coming down hard on this kids is the right answer either. Not sure what is though!

Not helpful at all ...

toocold54 · 27/05/2021 19:41

Honestly with you catching them they probably won’t be in a hurry to do it again!
I would have a chat with him and say you don’t want to see those things again and she can still come around but you will be checking more regularly and if you think anything like that is happening then they’ll both have to sit downstairs the entire time.

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