How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

[freckles20]

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

@DesMartinsPetCat

It sounds like your son is running rings around you and you’re blinded by the fact that you’re too afraid to put a foot wrong.

His non-binary partner?

Seriously, he was caught with his 14 year old girlfriend. You need to act accordingly, or you might find you’re a nana very soon. Imagine the anxiety for your son then.

Does this girl’s parents know she’s at your house unsupervised in your son’s bedroom, or do they think she’s out for walks with her non-binary friend?

I admit that I am finding it harder than I'd like to to hold a line. It's easy to tell myself to be more firm, but in practise I've found it hard recently. I would like to fix it, but am not sure how.

I think it was so frightening to see the change in him when he felt unwell. Seeing him get slowly better has been lovely. I used to worry constantly that he would harm himself and he had lost all his sparkle. It's been back more recently.

Buy some condoms. They will do whatever they’re going to with or without rules. Be honest about protection for mind and body. It’s so very hard being a parent to teens,

[quote ArabellaScott]They obviously need to fully understand the implications of pregnancy. STDs are worth covering, too.

So you need to have the safe sex conversation and it needs to be totally clear, there is no room for embarrasment etc.

Consent is also something you need to discuss.

Other than that - I would generally suggest that it's far preferable that your son (and even his girlfriend, perhaps) are comfortable raising issues with you. Safety is the number one priority, followed by avoiding unwanted pregnancy. I would not be imposing hard boundaries for the sake of it. Trust is absolutely crucial, if you want to avoid either massive fights and rebellion or your DS sneaking around behind your back.

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/early-teens/trust[/quote]
Absolutely this.
My son and his 'partner' (similar situation to OP, but for the sake of biological accuracy yes, his girlfriend) have been sexually active since they were both 14. We had the talk, before it happened.
I explained that while I didn't personally think they were old enough (despite what what myself and DH were getting up to separately at that age, not that I mentioned that!) and would rather they wait another year or two, I understand that they want to do stuff and that I have no control over this. I just emphasised the importance or consent, condoms, being able to change your mind at any point and it being okay to decide you aren't ready after all. I told him I always have condoms in the house and that I'd rather he asked for some than not have safe sex.
His partner spoke to their parents about it too, i made sure of that and it was all very open and I was impressed that they'd had a sensible and mature conversation before just rushing into it (like I did at that age, with no prior planning or protection). They'd talked about wanting to have sex, they'd planned to use protection and that's a hell of a lot more sensible than most teens I knew when I was one.

I may get blasted for being a being a terrible parent, but at least my teen is being safe and sensible and trusts me enough to discuss things with. Several of DS' friends are now also sexually active (year 10) and I doubt all their parents are aware. At least I've told him how to access free condoms, so hopefully he's passed that info on...

“VitalSpark

BrownEyedGirl80
@VitalSpark I disagree.I think encouraging under age sex is wrong as they're not emotionally mature enough imo.I say that as someone who lost their virginity young.
I spent several years counselling teens and I can assure you that most are more emotionally mature than you think“

I feel troubled by you saying that as a counsellor. A fourteen year old is not emotionally mature and these two teens may be even less emotionally mature than most.

It is now known that the brain is in a great state of flux at this age and does not reach full maturity until beyond 20.

@CutieBear

Also, if he’s embarrassed about talking about sex, then he’s not mature enough to have sex. Tell him this.

Naaah I was generally embarrassed about talking about sex until I went through four years of psychoanalysis starting age 37.

And even now I'd be embarrassed talking about it with my parents!!!

I do think I'm grown up enough to do it though!

It doesn't sound like many poeple here can remember being 14?! I totally get that they are legally children, that you have a duty of care. But as some PP have said, if not in your home, it will be in an alley way, a bus stop, at the park, etc... seriously, think back everyone! They are 14 and it sounds very normal for that age from what I recall from a very average, middle class upbringing.

The door open rule sounds like a good one and the occasional walking past the bedroom, being in a next door room etc is probably all useful in ensuring things don't go too far.

Again, lots of honest, appropriate conversations about enthusiastic consent, not rushing things, etc and encouraging other activities too (not just bedroom time!) sound good. Also encouraging your son with other friendships and hobbies etc for when his relationship may end for normal teenage reasons.

All the best to you, you sound like a really lovely and caring Mum.

I would be embarrassed talking about sex with my parents now.

@katy1213

I wouldn't be too bothered about embarrassing them -that's what mothers are for. And she'll absolutely find that non-binary is not a contraceptive method! I wouldn't be pandering to the little madam by calling her a 'partner' whatever she thinks she is this week!

How is she a “little madam”?

@thequeenoftarts

I got pregnant at 15, first time to do anything in my parents house.... Fella was 16, parents weren't home, we did it on the stairs/in the hallway it took 3 minutes.. It wont make a difference if they want to do it they will. Her parents obs don't give them the freedom you do, or they would be there .

Ps Teens lie lots, don't believe a word they are uttering. Micro supervise the wee buggers and talk to her parents too. Secrecy is not good in this situation

Did you keep it?

@PattyPan Sorry but wtf? You make your adult son keep his door open?! That’s taking it a bit far confused

You do you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again laid back, slack and loose parenting is not my thing. Children should work toward privacy. My house, literally my rules and if you don’t like it you do have choices especially as an adult child. When he doesn’t like house rules he can actually debate his point. Sometimes he changes our minds other times not so much e.g Rule: be responsible for one meal a week and his response is “my friends don’t have to”, I know, at that point he is still a child (especially when I know it’s not true for all his friends).

But this is MN where people think swearing at parents and not doing any chores and now heavy petting at 14 in the safety and warmth of OP’s family home Is fine. In my home it’s not and in this scenario in particular the OP has made it easy for them. They can’t go to her parents house for a reason (not allowed in her room maybe?). So OP could be letting someone else’s child do something in her home that said child couldn’t do in their own.

Look at 19 I encourage him to go out and find someone (plenty of someones, safely) but whilst his pre-teen Dsis also lives here, my house will not have a revolving door. He can try to negotiate, but he hasn’t yet.

But like I say you do you.

@moynomore

I actually can't believe some parents would tell their children that they are breaking the law by experimenting with a person their own age. Again, the law is to protect children from being exploited and NOT to turn two 14 year olds into criminals ffs.

What happens when the partner’s parents find out and decide that actually the OPs DS has coerced their vulnerable (confused) child into sexual activity?

Do you think anyone will care that the OPs DS has mental issues of his own. That young girl who is likely sneaking behind her parents back is unlikely to stand up for BF in all probability.

He is extremely vulnerable and OP could end up looking like those weird parents that encourage these relationships.

We don’t have all the facts and I suspect OP doesn’t either.

@kindofcoping

I would be embarrassed talking about sex with my parents now.

I’ll never understand this attitude. This is an important topic. My DS came to me when a young girl decided she wanted experience with him, so she’d be ready for his friend🙄(a longer story). Talking about sex openly and non-judgementally is so important. Leads to talks about relationships, consent etc. My DS brought that to me, I didn’t have to ask, because he needed help with that particular dilemma. Nothing is off the table

@RealhousewifeofStoke

14 year olds messing around is not that unusual according to this thread. I lived very rurally and had very strict parents so it was to me

Inner city London here, unusual to me here too. The only 14 year old I knew to be sexually active left school at 14 to have a baby, she was what I think is now known as a Traveller. In hindsight she probably did it to leave school as her family didn’t want her there.

I'm going to go against the tide here. Kids of 14 are sexual beings, immature and inexperienced, but sexual beings nonetheless. They have periods, and breasts and penises that ejaculate, and minds that imagine, and vaginas that get wet. I know, that's your baby I'm talking about. But it is just another developmental stage that we need to guide them through. My guiding principle has always been that good sex in a relationship is wonderful and I want my kids to have a good attitude to it, to respect their partner, to enjoy intimacy and value it , preferably when they are old enough to sensibly decide . Making it all bad and forbidden is in my view unrealistic and unhelpful.

We need to make sure that they understand consent, safety, etiquette, love, respect etc, But we also need to recognise that they will explore, have strong desires and a will to explore. It's only natural.

At that age, my kids were both starting exploratory fumblings with boyfriends/ girlfriends (as I bet a lot of you were if you think back). we approached it by talking with them (which includes listening), and respecting the fact that their sex life is actually private. You really can't stop them - they will find a time and place and that's part of being a teenager.

What we didn't** do is a) let 'partners' sleep over b) let them in bedrooms together at all (that encourages full intercourse which is to be actively avoided until older if possible) c) leave them alone in our house. I mean they will find a way, but why make it too easy?

I'd set a rule that they stay downstairs, make sure they have access to condoms, but talk about all of the sensible stuff, and - most importantly - keep talking about sex and relationships so they know they can come to you any time, with anything and that you'll be there.

The whole thing about our own kids being sexual is totally weird and takes ages to get your head adjusted to - just as we shudder to think of our parents 'at it', we can't (and don't want to ) imagine our kids either (thanks goodness because that would be weird and perverted), but they will inevitably grow up. It's a challenging thing to adjust to, but actually rather lovely to think that if you guide them carefully, that the sex part of their lives will make them happy (time and time again ) forever. That's quite a gift you can give your kids.

@lightlypoached I'm going to go against the tide here

By literally not going against the tide? 😂

@Faultymain5 it's a fair cop, I have to confess to not having fully RTFT, and only looked at the first 50 or so replies that were all 'kids shouldn't do rudies' . Glad that the tide turned.

[quote Faultymain5]**@lightlypoached* I'm going to go against the tide here*

By literally not going against the tide? 😂[/quote]
This

OP had all the rules in place. These kids still disrespected them.

I wouldn't have allowed them in the bedroom.

I'd inform the girl's parents precisely what you caught them doing.
Looked at objectively, this involves a 14-y-o boy who is not particularly stable and a girl of the same age apparently lacking the most rudimentary social skills and who is buying into gender ideology. Not a relationship to be encouraged.

I thought by the descriptions in the OP that she gave him oral sex. Certainly that's what the OP's post describes.
Anyway, it certainly seems that the pair are not emotionally mature enough for any type of sexual relationship.

I also disagree with others that the girl is a bad egg. I get the impression she has a bad home life, is deeply unhappy/traumatised hence shy and barely speaks etc, and finds solace with the OP's son at his home. For what ever reason, she feels safer and happier at OP's place. Has your son ever said anything to you about her home life, OP?

@CokeDrinker I get the impression she has a bad home life, is deeply unhappy/traumatised hence shy and barely speaks etc, and finds solace with the OP's son at his home. For what ever reason, she feels safer and happier at OP's place. Has your son ever said anything to you about her home life, OP?

I'm not sure where you are getting this from in the OP. It does sound like a hell of a lot of projection. What I would project, is that at 14 there was no way I could bring a guy home and he see the inside of my bedroom, I couldn't even do that at 18, I recall having a boyfriend whose home I could do that in. Et Voila, he got the virginity.

[quote Faultymain5]**@CokeDrinker* I get the impression she has a bad home life, is deeply unhappy/traumatised hence shy and barely speaks etc, and finds solace with the OP's son at his home. For what ever reason, she feels safer and happier at OP's place. Has your son ever said anything to you about her home life, OP?*

I'm not sure where you are getting this from in the OP. It does sound like a hell of a lot of projection. What I would project, is that at 14 there was no way I could bring a guy home and he see the inside of my bedroom, I couldn't even do that at 18, I recall having a boyfriend whose home I could do that in. Et Voila, he got the virginity.[/quote]
Because I think you and others are projecting motivations onto a painfully shy girl, @Faultymain5 , because you cannot put together that a painfully show girl may love her boyfriend and feel secure with him and want to do things for him, unless she is some sort of sex demon. That is what you and others appear to be exclaiming, and ascribing motives to.

I was a painfully shy child, unhappy at home, and many adults were suspicious of me because I was SO quiet. I came out of my shell to those who made me vulnerable and secure. I would have given my boyfriend head or petted him - NOT because I was some sort of devious over-sexed girl who liked boyfriend's freedom, but because I felt SECURE with him.

So many on here are so incredibly prejudiced against a girl (that we don't even know wasn't pressured by OP's son) - just because she was going down on him or petting him in his room. It's the exact same sort of prejudice all introverted and shy kids get.

*made me feel safe and secure
that should read, not 'vulnerable'.

@CokeDrinker

I thought by the descriptions in the OP that she gave him oral sex. Certainly that's what the OP's post describes. Anyway, it certainly seems that the pair are not emotionally mature enough for any type of sexual relationship.

I also disagree with others that the girl is a bad egg. I get the impression she has a bad home life, is deeply unhappy/traumatised hence shy and barely speaks etc, and finds solace with the OP's son at his home. For what ever reason, she feels safer and happier at OP's place. Has your son ever said anything to you about her home life, OP?

I know that she has a strained relationship with her mum. DS often tells me that she is upset, and her mum is angry. I appreciate that there are several sides to every story and that DS and / or I have no no idea of the real situation. It does seem like she comes here to feel safe and to get away from home.

They were not having oral
Sex.