I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

To all the posters, did ANY of these awful men ever acknowledge their abhorrent behaviour or show any genuine regret?

@JustJustWhy Others have posted about worse things than my ex, (who had an emotional affair), but personally, no. There was no genuine regret ever.
Actual quote from my ex: “Did you expect me to remain loyal when I was unhappy?”.

Uh, yes. Yes I did.

@JustJustWhy not in my case. When I discovered one affair, I was gaslighted to believe I had ignored him, children had got in the way etc etc. That excuse didn’t really work when I discovered a further 5 affairs, spanning a decade.
The violence? I had made him lose his temper.
The debt? He just refused to acknowledge it had happened like that.
What is quite wonderful now is that I am happily remarried- and my DH overheard exDH asking for a discount in the maintenance he pays for DD as she was insisting on staying every other fortnight with him, which meant he had to pay for more food.... ExDH saw the look DH gave him (the conversation took place on our driveway) and went pink with embarrassment. I can only assume because another man had heard how petty he was.
Another great thing is that as the children get older, they know exactly when he is lying. He is lucky they are still currently choosing to have anything to do with him. I heard two of my DD referring to someone as ‘that useless bitch’ and realised that’s their nickname for their father...

@JustJustWhy my ex thought the way he treated me was funny and when I told him exactly how it made me feel he just shrugged. This was just before I stopped all contact with him.
Last I heard of him was a friend telling me that he'd heard I was pregnant (not his baby - dhs baby) and that he'd dodged a bullet with me.
100% certified arsenal in my opinion and I'm glad I never had children with him

Arse not arsenal

I knew it was over when we were sat watching videos and looking at childhood photo albums and upon discussing my selective mutism he says "You were a stubborn child, if that my dad he would have knocked some sense into me, your parents were far too soft with you, they could have made you you talk" and that was it, I couldn't go on to have children with him, knowing their was a chance they could inherit my autism, I had visions immediately of a child with autism who had one of those parents who don't believe in autism and are abusive because of it. He was gone like a shot.

When I finally left he showered me with flowers and promises. The only emotion I had left, disgust. Disgust in his grovalling in his voice the way he looked basically the way he breathed. I had nothing left for him. I missed my home and some of my extended family oh and our friends. I walked away and started again not easy but alot easier because I didn't have children. I now have a six year gap in my pension because he didnt want me working full time.

@JustJustWhy

To all the posters, did ANY of these awful men ever acknowledge their abhorrent behaviour or show any genuine regret?

No. 14 years later my x sent a letter to dc1 talking about your mother's twisted ways. It backfired because she just checked out immediatedly. He'd been making pissy digs about me for years. She sent him a a photo of her collecting an award once and he was angry it was blurry and instead of saying "oh well done!" he said "i suppose your dimwitted mother took that!

Even if she had no particular loyalty to me though she would still feel scared by his hatred of me. I cannot understan it either. I left him 14 years ago. He was abusive. He hated me and he hated me more for leaving him and not sticking around forever to be abused!

And now, he blames me for the fact that DC1 has checked out of that relationship.
He halved the maintenance to punish us. I told her nobody owns you. I'll get her through university. He is court ordered to pay maintenance but he thinks the reason im not pursuing the fact that he only pays half now is because i dont have his address, no, it's because i want dc1 to inderstand that nobody should control you by dangling a $£€¥carrot just out of your reach.

I tried to peddle the we're co parenting amicably narrative at first but he wouldnt take the cue. He wanted an enemy. How can that work long term?

I understand how people are angry around the time of divorce but his anger never ever runs out of steam.

I should have realised when he hid debt and red letters from me, but I was only 21 and ‘in love’ he was ten years older

I should have realised when he kept quoting jobs and couldn’t ‘work for anyone other than himself.

I should have realised when at 22 he made me throw away clothes that ‘showed too much’

I should have realised when he demanded sex, or said ‘you said you would tonight so you have to’ and made me feel guilty about not wanting too

I should have realised when he missed an important appointment for our baby.

I should have realised when he always cut me off, told me I was wrong.

I should have listened when he was out working all night all weekend and came home at 6 am. People told me it wasn’t just his job( which would legitimately mean night work)

I should have realised when he would rather work than spend time with me and DS. People actually (jokingly) said they didn’t think I had a DH

I did realise when I was having a tough time and he wouldn’t even talk to me. And discovering 25k of debt also the last straw!

Since then I’ve heard of all the lewed comments he made to ‘friends’ (they never told me) and strangers.

Since then I’m now happily settled with someone new. Ex Dh still blames me every day for everything thst does wrong in his life and everything was my fault. But I don’t have to listen now, just drop ds off to see his dad every week. (I’m committed to making sure he sees his dad for a few days every week even if it kills everytime, it isn’t DS fault) but that’s a whole other thread!

Wishing all you lovely ladies so much love

This sounds exactly like what my ex dh does. DS is only six but ‘mummy is fat’ ‘mummy doesn’t want to spend time with you’ is heard regularly.
I’m committed to maintaining his contact whilst DS is young but I’m struggling because of all the nastiness.

He is as petty to put him in clothes with holes in when DS is coming home!

Thankfully

ABusive men are deeply unlikely to ever admit they're wrong or express regret, as that would mean they'd have to admit they were wrong. They re-write history all the time - it's NEVER their fault, it's always the woman's fault, she started it, in whatever way. Their exes are "psychos". The women "deserved it", because of their awfulness. Or even just because of their "weakness".

If any of them came back all grown up and admitted they'd been in the wrong, that would be something indeed.

I told my STBEX that unless he sorted out his anger issues, it will kill him eventually. The body keeps the score.

He’s off for a major investigative op soon, and I have a feeling my words are ringing in his ears...

Good Luck, mate.

@JustJustWhy

To all the posters, did ANY of these awful men ever acknowledge their abhorrent behaviour or show any genuine regret?

Yes. He expressed regret. He said "When I punched you I should have done it properly and smashed your face in".

There were so many red flags with me ex, and a lot of events that should have made me leave but I was a teenager and very naive.
Over the course of 18 months he'd stopped me talking to boys I'd known for years, change the course I was taking in college as one class had 18 boys and 2 girls, cut me off from my friends and somehow convinced me it was nice of him to meet me outside of every class / after college and walk me to where I was going / come with me to work where he would sit and watch me for my entire shift then shout all the way home if male customers had spoken to me nicely.
We would argue and one day he shoved me. As I'm sure you can predict, a shove became a harder shove to the floor, then it was a pinch, then a slap, then punches etc.
I didn't even leave when his mum came home and found me on the floor and him kicking me. She had to pull him off - she took me home, told my parents everything, kicked him out and told me to leave him he was a monster. Instead I went back, but secretly.

The eventual end to it was when I had to have my poor dog put to sleep suddenly. I went to his house after and he said "you're not going to be mopey all night are you? I'm horny and I don't want to look at you crying while we're in bed."
I remember being confused and worrying my upset was me being dramatic. I don't know what happened but a little while later I realised I would have been nicer to a stranger in my situation than he had been to me.

It took a while to get rid of him - I told him I wanted to split up and he looked me dead in the eyes and told me 'no' and just carried on as he had before.
In the end, I very deliberately went out, got drunk and pretty much threw myself at someone I knew he didn't like (but who was a nice guy) then told him and everyone else I knew that I'd cheated. I knew he wouldn't be able to handle taking me back then because he would be embarrassed that I cheated so publicly and told people so I clearly wasn't sorry.

I look back at teenage me now and feel so bad for her.
Now I've been happily married for 10 years to someone who is ex's exact opposite.
I have no idea what ex is doing now, he moved away and I have no interest in finding out.

I should have left the very first time he lied to me (about something trivial). I should have seen them he was crazy. Unfortunately we were together for 6 years and I wasted my university and early 20’s on him. I should have left when he:

• texted other women CONSTANTLY but made out like I was crazy

-killed my pet -used to sit upstairs when my family visited -told me my uncle was going to die and I just needed to get over it already when I told him my Uncle had been diagnosed with a terrible condition -punched holes in the wall -spent all our money so we had £100 a week to pay for food for 5 people (me, him, ds and 2x dss), petrol, all bills etc -took out a loan in my name -we could afford carpet but he could Afford new clothes all the time -wrote my parents car off and lied about it -cheated on me and got another woman pregnant -told me I was crazy every day -hid my things watching me look for them and getting distraught to them ‘find them’ and tell me how nuts I was -lied Allllll the time -lost his job and didn’t tell me -stole from his employer -gaslighted me about everything and anything -spent my money -revealed his gambling addiction -had absolutely no friends at all, not a single one because he was a total weirdo And a million other things. My friends told me within weeks of meeting him I should end things but of course i didn’t listen.

But the straw that broke the camels back was him telling me ‘I needed to prove to him why he should be with me’. 5 years later I can still remember the feeling and the moment he said this. He turned over to go to sleep and I remember staring at the ceiling thinking ‘I don’t have to prove ANYTHING to you’ and I knew then if I didn’t leave then I’d wake up in 6 years time wishing I’d left that day. Moved out with ds the next day, left him the house, my car, left my job. Everything and moved to my parents house 3 hours away. Never looked back.

5 years later I have a wonderful, lovely DP, DS is thriving (and has a good relationship with his dad), I have my own house, my own money and I’m
About to qualify as a nurse!
I could never see a way out and my story isn’t anywhere near as bad as some of the horrifying things that have happened to some of the poor people on this thread. I still bare the mental scars but I couldn’t take a single second more of it, it was hard and at times it would have been easier to go back but not a day goes by that I don’t count my lucky stars for that moment of total clarity

Ex after that one was the complete opposite. He was lovely but I knew he just wasn't what I wanted at the time.
We were going on dates etc and I kept thinking I needed to end it soon before we got in too deep but I didn't have the strength to because he was just so lovely and I was scared it would be a mistake.

The actual trigger for us breaking up was a random throw away comment on a day out somewhere - he said something about coming back maybe next year and making a weekend of it and the idea of it freaked me out. I broke up with him a day or so later, and he was so so nice about it that we're still friends now - he came to my wedding 😊

@LouiseHEmily

This sounds exactly like what my ex dh does. DS is only six but ‘mummy is fat’ ‘mummy doesn’t want to spend time with you’ is heard regularly. I’m committed to maintaining his contact whilst DS is young but I’m struggling because of all the nastiness.

He is as petty to put him in clothes with holes in when DS is coming home!

Thankfully

Your poor DS. My heart goes out to him. My daughter (then aged 6) saved me from potentially ruining my life again. I got a new partner about 6 years after my husband died. He was a true narcissist and vulnerable me was his perfect victim. DD got in between us during an argument (she was four foot nothing, he is 6ft 5 and over 20 stone). She shouted “I hate you, you’re mean and fat and you’re always horrible to Mummy. She does everything and you do nothing”. The scales fell from my eyes and I saw how she saw him. He left that evening never to return. She’s 17 now and I’m indebted to her bravery and honesty. She will also hopefully never let a man abuse her!

@WhatsappRicky

I should have left the very first time he lied to me (about something trivial). I should have seen them he was crazy. Unfortunately we were together for 6 years and I wasted my university and early 20’s on him. I should have left when he:

• texted other women CONSTANTLY but made out like I was crazy

-killed my pet -used to sit upstairs when my family visited -told me my uncle was going to die and I just needed to get over it already when I told him my Uncle had been diagnosed with a terrible condition -punched holes in the wall -spent all our money so we had £100 a week to pay for food for 5 people (me, him, ds and 2x dss), petrol, all bills etc -took out a loan in my name -we could afford carpet but he could Afford new clothes all the time -wrote my parents car off and lied about it -cheated on me and got another woman pregnant -told me I was crazy every day -hid my things watching me look for them and getting distraught to them ‘find them’ and tell me how nuts I was -lied Allllll the time -lost his job and didn’t tell me -stole from his employer -gaslighted me about everything and anything -spent my money -revealed his gambling addiction -had absolutely no friends at all, not a single one because he was a total weirdo And a million other things. My friends told me within weeks of meeting him I should end things but of course i didn’t listen.

But the straw that broke the camels back was him telling me ‘I needed to prove to him why he should be with me’. 5 years later I can still remember the feeling and the moment he said this. He turned over to go to sleep and I remember staring at the ceiling thinking ‘I don’t have to prove ANYTHING to you’ and I knew then if I didn’t leave then I’d wake up in 6 years time wishing I’d left that day. Moved out with ds the next day, left him the house, my car, left my job. Everything and moved to my parents house 3 hours away. Never looked back.

5 years later I have a wonderful, lovely DP, DS is thriving (and has a good relationship with his dad), I have my own house, my own money and I’m
About to qualify as a nurse!
I could never see a way out and my story isn’t anywhere near as bad as some of the horrifying things that have happened to some of the poor people on this thread. I still bare the mental scars but I couldn’t take a single second more of it, it was hard and at times it would have been easier to go back but not a day goes by that I don’t count my lucky stars for that moment of total clarity

Gaslighting is the worst. Mental torture. I often wished he’d hit me more instead of subjecting me to psychological warfare. to you @WhatsappRicky

He shoved me - ended it there and then and everyone on the tube saw him grovelling all the way home. Final straw after lots of verbal abuse so knew where it was going.

One lad took me to the cinema to watch little voice and during the film found out he laughed like a goat.

Long term relationship nice guy generally but had been putting his career and priorities ahead of our life together. Moved to London and never went out or did anything he wouldn’t introduce me to work colleagues. Final straw he mimimised that I’d been drugged on a night out despite not being able to walk home and went on holiday with his brothers instead of me. He came home said he wanted to go away with me and I’d had enough by then and broke it off.

Mine never, ever took responsibility, it was always someone else's fault, usually mine.

But the point about the body keeping score resonated. Ex suddenly dropped dead at work late last year, so at least I never have to worry about him looking over my shoulder.

@Kayz27

My last comment, that’s highlighted in purple for some reason was meant as tongue in cheek, I would never hurt anyone. I don’t think I will make comments on here anymore, they don’t seem to go where they should and are taken the wrong way.

Your own posts are highlighted in purple to you, not to anyone else. Don't fret, Kayz27!

I worked with a woman who had been badly beaten by her husband she commented on the fact that my mostly psychological abuse was a walk in the park. After moving in with a new man who abused her mentally she apologised saying I wish he would just thump me and get it over with. She is now married to someone else and this time I hope she got it right

When he held me by the neck and threatened to punch me when I was 4 months pregnant. I stayed, collected evidence of his behaviour. Hours after giving birth he grabbed me and pushed me across the hospital room. I arranged for someone else to collect us and never went back. The evidence collected in the intervening months meant the courts denied him contact with our child.

In the end, I very deliberately went out, got drunk and pretty much threw myself at someone I knew he didn't like (but who was a nice guy) then told him and everyone else I knew that I'd cheated. I knew he wouldn't be able to handle taking me back then because he would be embarrassed that I cheated so publicly and told people so I clearly wasn't sorry.

I did something very similar with an abusive ex. I cheated on him with an ex FWB, told my BF (he would never, ever have found out so I could have 100% gotten away with it if I wanted to) and he broke up with me. It took a while to fully disengage but I will never regret for a second what I did. He would never have let me end the relationship otherwise, cheating hurt his pride enough that he wouldn’t stalk/harass/threaten me to get me back which he absolutely would have done if I’d tried to leave respectfully. I was 21 and at the time I felt it was my only way to properly get away.

I’ve since had (now ex) friends and boyfriends tell me I was an awful person for cheating, but not everything is black and white and if doing that got me away from an emotional abuser whose behaviour was escalating, I have zero regrets.

That was what made me realise I had to leave, the fact that I cheated and felt no remorse whatsoever. I’d never even come close to cheating before, and haven’t done since.

Whilst in hospital giving birth he axed open my garden shed, stole my bicycle and then helped me make a police report when I arrived back home.
Weeks later spotted a newspaper article showing local youth cycling team photo, his DS from first marriage holding my stolen bike.
Next time he went out I bagged up his things, pocketing any cash I could find, and that day told him to go. He phoned later "Oi! Bitch! My money!" so offered to help him file a police report if he wanted.