I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

I posted mine many pages ago but having read all the other posts I've realised that my ex was emotionally abusive. I only cut ties one he was using me as a sound board for his mental health problems but I should have left long before.
He would do drugs in front of me despite me telling him not to.
Stand me up repeatedly
Never told me he loved me
Sex was always about him and never me
He strangled me and threatened to cut my throat
Tried to have sex with me infront of my sister who was 12 at the time
Told me that bleeding through my clothes when on my period was disgusting
He was always drunk
Threatened suicide
And he would spend hours talking to his neighbours girlfriend who he later slept with and then boasted about to me.
My life was walking on eggshells.
I cant belive I cried when he dumped me in the middle of the night with no way of getting home.
He was right about one thing though - he couldn't love me like he should and I deserved better. He strung me along for nearly a year after until I met my now dh, who adores me, is a wonderful father and is my best friend. My dh has loved and cared for me through 2 life threatening illnesses, 2 premature babies, 3 miscarriages (one where he needed to clean up orange sized blood clots for me as I was too weak) and mental health problems.
I hope everyone can find the strength to leave and find joy, whatever form that takes

ExH had ishoos from his own childhood and would get unbelievably jealous of the relationship between baby DD and me. He would punish me by disappearing with her for hours on end, I genuinely thought he might jump into the river with her. The final straw was the time he wouldn't let me hold baby DD or interact with her for 24 hours. He literally clutched her to his chest - I couldn't physically take her as I was afraid she'd get hurt. When she cried, he washed her face roughly and shouted till she stopped. She was about 12 months old and she knew to freeze. The only time I felt free to interact normally with her was when it suited him to disappear off to do his own thing.

It's been more than a decade since I left him, taking DD with me. He thinks I stole DD from him, but he made it a self-fulfilling prophecy because his fear and anger and jealousy made it impossible for him to have a meaningful relationship with her. DD and I have an excellent relationship. I've stayed single since then.

When I woke up one morning and thought 'this cannot be it forever'. I was done - after 15 miserable years I was done and I ended it that day, never to go back

Not as bad as some. He was having an affair, I was divorcing him, but I still loved him.
I asked, not unreasonably if he could hold off getting OW pregnant until the divorce was through. He spat at me that I had no right to tell him what to do, I was a controlling bitch, and that's why he was having an affair. The love died right there.

So many of these are heartbreaking..the violence is mind blowing, the hitting kids as well. These people are pure evil, but what makes me feel so unbelievably sad is those that are still stuck in these relationships - the woman who eats with the dog in the kitchen please know you are worth so much more, please reach out for help I think she was called lowasitgets (I presume it's a woman, but I do appreciate men are often in abusive relationships too). Sending strength to those who are yet to escape and those still recovering.

I stayed too long with someone who was vile to me. There was a moment when I no longer felt safe and I knew then.

He was unemployed long term, staying up late at night to play online games rather than actively looking for a job, yet treating himself to new cars, expensive gadgets and eating himself to obesity. I’d put my life on hold for him to get the job- no babies, no house move to the area we wanted. It wasn’t a life. I woke up one morning and decided it was the end for me. So left him, relocated, new job and now married with two DC. Best thing I ever did...

When after an argument, he cut up and burned in the sink the wedding vows I wrote on a card for him.

@DagenhamRoundhouse

What amazes me is that so many of these men seem to have another woman to go to, as if they were waiting in the wings. Be interesting to know how they behave with the OW, if they're as pig awful.

Oh no they are wonderful with them. They are their special person and will wow them with attention and all the love they deserve. There will be issues though, it adds to the frisson, but isn't there in every relationship?

@SakuraEdenSwan1 I caught them in the honeymoon suite after the ceremony. At the time it was horrific, I threw a shoe at them. I couldn’t even go home as his awful family were staying in my flat. I told my other friend to tell the guests I was ill and couldn’t join in the rest of the reception. He told everyone I was too drunk to come down. I borrowed some clothes went and got my cats out of the flat, his family had been smoking in my bedroom and my cats stank of cigarettes and they’d burnt holes in my lovely sheets. My brother drove me 300 miles back to my family home and my parents were so thrilled I’d seen sense they arranged an annulment. He was a drunk who never paid for anything, did anything around the house, the usual stuff. I refused to speak to either of them again. It was the best wedding present he could have given me, I met my DH and have a lovely son... I still have one of the cats whose very old and NEVER smells of cigarettes.

He had an emotional relationship with a work partner: I found out 3 months after giving birth to my 2nd child on my first night out post birth. He sat with her and they both talked to each other all night. He insisted she sit beside him. I wanted to leave but everyone else was so shocked, they insisted I stayed and tried to help in making me feel better - I was 'sick to my stomach' at their behaviour. Told him afterwards I was leaving and taking the children with me but relented and stayed. Never felt the same for him after.

From 15-19 I was with an older man (he was 22 when we met) who emotionally abused me and controlled me. I was head over heels in love with him and hoped to spend the rest of my life with him. I was very emotionally dependent on him because my parents marriage was in tatters after my Dad's affair with his very much younger secretary (so clichéd). Even though my Mum took him back they frequently argued and there was usually an atmosphere at home. Things improved when I was 17 and my parents moved away as my Dad had a new job, and I moved in with my GPs because I was mid A Levels (and let's face it, couldn't bear leaving my BF).

But it also made me even more dependent on my BF. I'd made few friends at college because he was so jealous and controlling. It felt like he was all I had. But he was making my life a misery. When I passed my driving test he threatened to leave me. When my parents bought me a car he threatened to leave me. When I got the lead role in a college production he threatened to leave me. When I aced my A Levels he threatened to leave me. Do you see a pattern? Every time I was successful he absolutely hated it and was only happy once I was in tears begging him not to go.

Thx final straw was at my Great Grandmother's funeral when he kicked off because he thought I was ignoring him and talking to my family too much. Suddenly it was like he physically shrank before my eyes and just morphed into this pathetic, inadequate, insecure twat (that he'd always been, but I couldn't see). I think I actually laughed at him? I suddenly realised that I was far more intelligent than he could ever hope to be and that I worth far more than he could ever afford.

The relationship limped on for another 2 weeks only because it was still a huge step for me to leave him. He booked a last minute romantic weekend in Amsterdam (I think he intended to propose) but on the day we were meant to travel I rang his work and left a message saying I wouldn't be going! He turned up at college in tears, looking for me but I hid from him. I actually ended up spending that weekend with the gorgeous bloke who would become my boyfriend for the next 2 years. We'd been good friends at college and when he knew I wasn't going to Amsterdam he invited me over and one thing led to another...I confess I didn't give my ex a second's thought all weekend, it was like a switch had been flipped in my brain and he was genuinely dead to me. Apparently he was devastated and was signed off work for weeks, threatened suicide and needed counselling. I couldn't have cared less.

That was over 30 years ago, and looking at FB he's lived such a mediocre, drab little life. A little drab job and a little drab house in the little drab town he grew up in.

Conversely, I went to university and met my now DH who started his first company while still an undergraduate and has been a very successful company director ever since. We've had amazing holidays, live in a gorgeous Georgian house in a vair naive village and life is anything but drab.

@peaceanddove I love this. A woman who got out when she could and made a successful and happy life for herself ❤️

@placemats

He had an emotional relationship with a work partner: I found out 3 months after giving birth to my 2nd child on my first night out post birth. He sat with her and they both talked to each other all night. He insisted she sit beside him. I wanted to leave but everyone else was so shocked, they insisted I stayed and tried to help in making me feel better - I was 'sick to my stomach' at their behaviour. Told him afterwards I was leaving and taking the children with me but relented and stayed. Never felt the same for him after.

Ahhh...the old “emotional relationship”. I finished with a partner because he couldn’t deal with the fact that his (married) female colleague was pregnant. Apparently they “were a team” and he couldn’t believe “she’d betrayed him like that”. I decided (having learnt from past experience) that I was having none of this shit and asked him to leave.

Well, I should have known when:

• he was on sex personals sites within weeks of getting married
• he left me sleeping on a mattress on the floor after we moved house when I was six months pregnant because he couldn't put the bed back up as it was dusty and would set his asthma off
• he threw all the plates in the dishwasher away because they hadn't been cleaned properly and refused to eat unless I drove 90 minutes to the nearest branch of the only shop he would buy crockery from. I was 3 days away from giving birth.
• he blamed me for the pharmacist miscounting the tablets he needed for an STD he gave me

but actually it took the school making a referral to social services for me to see the light. 7 years on, we haven't looked back.

This isn’t as bad as others but I’ve never told anyone in real life.
I was unexpectedly pregnant, after spending the night in bed feeling my baby move I said I was worried about how we would look after the baby etc. Just generally chat, I think I was hoping he’d say he’d go full time at work and we’d be fine (I was working full time). He actually said why didn’t we just have the baby adopted then. I thought he was joking but no, he was serious, rather than get a few more hours and make some cut backs we’d just hand the baby away like returning a jumper. I remember saying I couldn’t live without seeing my baby, and he said, if we do an open adoption it can look me up when it’s 18. In his head this was fine and a sensible solution. We were on the bus at the time and I remember thinking that if anyone overheard they would be phoning social services.
Anyway kept the baby, ditched the bf. Can’t imagine he’ll look him up when he’s 18 either.

@fedupslummymummy having one of the OW cuddle my beautiful child - it made me feel physically ill when I realised. The contempt for me! Sorry you were made to feel the same way

@Alwayscalminacrisis I felt like I’d been stabbed through the heart, I’m sure you felt the same way. And the way a man could be so hurtful and callous to the mother of his children.
The OW was a work colleague so when husband died I made a very specific request via his work...that this particular woman did not attend the funeral. No one questioned me or my motives...they ALL knew.

When I was 39 weeks pregnant offered lifts to everyone at a night out as I wasn't drinking anyway. I was moaning because I said I was tired and didn't want to be out late

Wouldn't but a new cot and wanted DD to sleep in the pram

Couldn't put it together out of storage so just left
It in the hall. DD spent her first day home in a pram on the floor

When I wanted to give her her first bath home he let me fill
And carry the baby bath. He was watching TV

The end was when Dss used to mock me when I was upset saying "just take your pills" copying his father. I had post natal depression. DSS was 5 years old

I had this. Broke my foot at a BBQ we were having at our house - missed a step on stairs - he wouldn’t pick me up and wouldn’t take me to hospital as it would spoil everyone’s day (his family visiting) I strapped it up myself and hobbled. Couldn’t take time off work either as a contractor I wouldn’t get paid and he refused to take over (temporarily) payments on my car. I have a deformed bone as a result.
Worst was when I got meningitis and was in hospital - made me get up to phone my mum to stop her visiting as hospital phone (before mobiles) wouldn’t reach my bedside. I did do it reluctantly but was immediately sick black bile. I apparently ruined their whole summer. He let my daughter wear a coat I’d made for myself without asking when visiting said she looked better in it than I did, this was while I was still bedridden.
There were many other things I could list. As with a lot of things - straw that broke camels back) it was a minor incident that led to me leaving. Just over 25 yrs it lasted ( I even paid for my own silver wedding anniversary present!)
After a disputed divorce procedure lasting over 2 yrs, delaying it for no reason other than to make it cost me more I finally was free of him.

2 yrs later I met and eventually married my current lovely kindest man.

SeeleyBoo this is awful but sadly I can relate. It was a total “oh no you don’t” moment

reallymustgotobed

Emotionally abusive ex who frequently punched holes in doors and walls, broke my stuff, etc. Finally over when he asked for a chat the night before I started a second job (which he had already spent all my income from in his head). We sat down and he listed all my supposed faults that made him behave so badly.
.........

When my now exDH made a list of all my faults and handed it to me saying I’ve got quite a few more of these so do not bother ripping it up; while en route to Scotland on a week hols supposedly to try and mend things. Straw that broke the camels back that was after 25yrs. All sorts of nasty things about my family and friends and how selfish I’d become. Apparently.

It made me think of all the things he’d done to mentally abuse and belittle me

... in hospital with meningitis, my mum wanted to visit me, naturally; he made me get up to phone her (before mobiles) as ward phone wouldn’t reach my bedside. I did do it trying gently to tell her it would be too much FOR HIM, then I was violently sick in nearby basin bringing up black bile. Nurse told ME off. Same time he let my teenage daughter wear a coat I’d proudly made for myself, saying she looked better in it than I did. Also later said I ruined their whole summer.

... At a family (his) BBQ at our house I fell down and broke a bone in my foot. He refused to pick me up or take me to hospital as it would ruin their day. I managed to hobble through till they went home, he still refused to take me. Me thinking it was just a sprain strapped it up. I still had to go to work as I wouldn’t get paid otherwise being a contractor, and he said he wouldn’t take over (temporarily ) my car payments. Later found I’d broken a bone and I now have a deformed bone with huge lump.

Purposely obstructed our divorce to make it cost me more but I was eventually free of him and 2yrs later met and 5 yrs later married the most lovely, wonderful and kindest man ever.

Sorry !! - posted story twice as it didn’t appear first time

It probably should have been when I found the text message pop up on his phone that alerted to me to him cheating.

It definitely should have been before the 5 year wedding anniversary holiday where I spent the whole time crying. I still remember him telling me over a romantic meal on the beach that he liked that she wore eye make-up.

Maybe when we went for our 6 year wedding anniversary still at the hotel where we married, but I was sworn off posting it on Facebook. We were living apart, but I still had hopes we might mend, we were still seeing each other regularly.

When it happened it was that he text me saying he had something he had to tell me. I text back 'She's pregnant isn't she?'. The answer was yes. He'd never stopped seeing her.

That was me done. I'd already spent 9 years as a Step Mum, I wasn't about to take on a step child born in our marriage. Although he begged me to.

Over 7 years later he still regularly contacts me telling me he loves and misses me. I've blocked him everywhere. The last one, last year, was via LinkedIn ffs. They're married and they have two children now. I feel sorry for the poor cow.

On reflection, I think I was torn in the relationship. It was far worse than I realised at the time. I should have clicked I was checking out when I simply wasn't bothered that he was never around and always out (cheating as I now know). I was relieved when he moved out. It's a shame I took so long to extract myself from the coercive control. But he did me a huge favour in the end.

@Blankspace101

Who are these mothers raising these abusive men?

Let me correct that sentence for you.

Why won’t men take responsibility for their abusive behaviour?

Sounds much better, doesn’t blame women and puts the responsibility firmly with the abusers.

Couldn’t agree more

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel - Look back on the chat, I explained the reply button hadn’t worked.

I think your being rude! 😜 and was having a bad morning so you took it out on me.

Everyone says I’m like the nicest person ever.