I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

But the final straw was when he told me that I didn’t need to go back to law school to train, and that I could go and live with him and work in a chip shop.
I'm sorry, @Clucket87, that made me laugh aloud. Though seriously, who the hell are these men who think we should not be educated, rather than become as good as we can be? (Hit a nerve, my DD suffered coercive control from an arsehole who thought she was "a snob" for wanting to go to university. Fortunately, she ignored him.)
(I can't go anywhere with your second one, having been raped by a "friend" who was convinced a very drunken "no", still meant "yes", and then still kept trying to see me for years later because I was the "love of his life", despite my never contacting him after that night. Thinking about it, he stalked me. I'd forgotten that.)

Congratulations on your baby boy!

Gosh I wish I had left.. haha you're all so brave!
I should have been the one who left 3 relationships..! Bar 1 I always waited til they left me instead. Weird thing is - I did so much better after they left!!
I'm with a lovely guy now - haven't laughed this much in years. Feel totally adored too. We both agree it's like living with your best mate.

To everyone who suffers with being given the silent treatment: my mum endured it for 45 years- she finally stepped up and said : if you continue to ignore me I will not do your washing / cooking etc. (She did EVERYTHING for him - even pre-prepared his toast and tea in the morning if she had to leave earlier ) My dad occasionally forgets and goes a bit huffy and my mum says she now shouts at him : 'I'm not scared of you now!' They've been together 50 years and are still totally in love and absolutely hilarious together. She should have stepped up years ago.

Love to you all x

It should have been the first time he hit me. He refined the odd punch or slap to grabbing me and leaving fingertip bruising covered by my clothes. Or after the 18 months of marriage counselling I paid for, which he used as a chance to character assassinate me. Or after I discovered he told all his work colleagues I was unbalanced after being sexually abused as a child and that became his go to sob story to reel in other women. Or after I discovered he had cheated for the entirety of our marriage, including when I was pregnant or miscarrying. Or when he handed our newborn DD to a colleague to cuddle and I later discovered she was one of the OW. Or when he refused to look after me after surgery. Or when he ran up thousands in debts. The list is endless.
The trigger was such a damp squib.
I had earned some money and he whined that I wasn’t going to spend it on him. And that was it.
He was a shit husband, a useless father and now he’s bitter and lonely. He has had so many girlfriends in the twelve years since we split that my DD call them by numbers, not names.
My life has changed utterly. I am confident and happy again. He is living the life he deserves.

I am so glad you have the life you deserve. The OW cuddling the newborn sadly hit a nerve with me too. I was suspicious of my husbands behaviour with one of our neighbours. At a party I saw the two of them looking v cost....cuddling our DC. I still remember the way his hand was placed tenderly round the OWs waist. I marched up to them and took my DC out her arms...husband went mad, threw EVERYONE out the house because I “couldn’t stop making a fucking scene” and gave me the dreaded silent treatment for weeks.
to you

@fedupslummymummy what a cunt. I'd make sure everyone knew what he was like. Thank god he died.

When you get the greatest urge to swing a baseball bat at his head when you can't stand his eating noises... Oh those awful eating noises and weird methods of eating

The first was when he was removed from the maternity ward for yelling at me because I asked him where he’d been as he’d gone awol (to the pub) and left my dad looking after my eldest. I drove myself and DD#2 home from the hospital because he was too drunk and a no show. When I found a lump and realised I had cancer, and my first thought was “ I can’t die and leave the children with him. “
Then again when he strangled me when I was having chemo and 8 months pregnant with dd #3 because I was tired.
(Why did it take so long I hear you ask?!?!

well there's been many ...but this moment of clarity was when he got bank statements out & asked me where id been to a costa in slough,firstly we couldn't go anywhere as in lockdown & secondly i don't live near slough, he had worked out the mileage & because i had put on calendar 100mls he thought that represented it....the real truth was the 100mls was in fact a cream id bought & was seeing how long it took me to get a new one & secondly the costa was in fact bought at our local hospital from a machine for my son who had broke his arm !!the machine was obviously registered to slough..............in my head this was my red flag ,siren going off but im still here & everyday i think why am i .....kids i suppose i do want out ,i actually feel sorry for him !

The day I gave birth to my DD it was if he wasn't even there despite a difficult 26hr labour (homebirth)
I had temporary paralysis in my leg and he said he needed to test drive a car so left me with a newborn on my chest and my 2yr old DS whilst I couldn't move from the sofa
Apparently he couldn't take DS and I'd be fine for a couple of hours
I knew it then

@ Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

😂 not you!! Relax woman. 💰

Lots of 'papercuts' like others.

But the point that I realised I needed to leave was when my then 6yr old dd had a paddy about not having time to go to the pub at the end of a dog walk. I said when you're an adult you can go whenever you want. She said "yes and I will", and then paused and added "if my husband lets me". My blood ran cold at that point and xh thought it funny.

A few months later and someone I didn't know very well came up to me at church and said quietly that the way he spoke to me was not nice to see. We're now really good friends and I'm forever grateful to her. She didn't know me well and it was quite a risky thing to do in a church which sadly can be so pro-marriage even in abusive situations. Thankfully there are organisations helping to educate churches on domestic abuse too so I think that is changing.

3 years out now

It should have been...

.Him leering over his BFs GF & boasting about their previous shag to me!
.Him gambling all his - and by extension our money on fruit machines
.Stealing from his workplace and generally lying to everyone to make himself appear better than he was
.The violent versus charm switch he could do that should have rang warning bells
.He always made me sit on the uncomfortable chair whilst he relaxed on the bed
.Making me do drug ‘runs’ as he’d get in more trouble than me, having been in care
.The fact that his parents had all but washed their hands of him
.denigrated my family and friends
.Called me fat (I wasn’t! He was!)
.Never washed towels. Just why??
.silent treatment
.laugh about me with his friends IN FRONT OF ME!

I missed all the early signs and believed that as a good kind and patient person -I could make him better!!

I didn’t even leave when he started smashing the flat up, or when he’d hit me or kick me down the stairs, sexually assault or rape me.

I left when he started sleeping with someone else?! At that point my pride was hurt. WTF?!??

Nevertheless I got away and haven’t looked back and now happily married. I pity his wife and children and I hope they’re not suffering too much, but they probably are.

@Sarah90W well seeing as I have not posted about a relationship that's pretty obvious 🙄 you're very rude btw. People are telling their stories and you're just blathering on about money to goodness knows who abs when ashes by several people who you are asking, you ignore. Weird.

Wow there are some harrowing stories on here. And I hope you’re all doing so much better now.

I now can’t remember why, many years later but he grabbed me round the throat and pushed me up against a wall completely out of the blue (as in we weren’t having a row at the time, he just attacked me). I was holding our sleeping 12m old DS at the time. He squeezed until I passed out-I can remember using one hand to try and fight him off me and the other to slide our baby behind me to protect him-but he had woken up and was crying and clinging on. I came to slumped on the floor with DS crying Mama and hitting me to try to wake me up-he was playing PlayStation in the other room. X had ‘only’ hit me a couple of times before, and I was so ashamed of being a young mum that I couldn’t bear the additional stigma of being a young single mum. But in that moment I realised that he was capable of killing me and he literally didn’t care. I borrowed his credit card (he had insisted on my wages going into a joint account, which as soon as they would come in he’d immediately transfer to his account and would give me ‘pocket money’ which I had to justify and show receipts for) and went to stay at a relatives to get my ducks in a row. Which I did and never looked back.

** And , asked not abs and ashes . Bloody autocorrect

I haven't finished reading all the replies.

I have a two which were the cherry on the cake:

He asked me to give him the available overdraft funds from my business account so that he could buy a motorbike.

The corker though....

He took the OW to my special holiday place and even stayed in the same chalet that we had.

That hurt me so much more than any of the other shit he did. We had just bought a fixer upper in this particular place, it was going to be our retirement spot. I cannot explain it well, but I just had such a connection with this place whenever we went there. When we had to discuss settlement for divorce I did not want anything to do with this property. I used it as leverage actually, and I got to keep the house the dc and I live in and he got to keep that. Which was fine with me as I never ever want to go near that place again. The whole place was just tainted for me and I don't know if I will ever truly get over that betrayal.

He lied to me about his dad being convicted multiple times of dreadful things

When I bought the book "Women Who Love Too Much" and finally understood that it was not me - it was him. He was alcohol-dependant and the King of Gaslighting.

It still took me another six years to get away though.

When he puts my dad’s jumper without asking ( my Dad passed away when I was 19). When I commented on it he said: «That? Oh that’s just a dead man’s jumper»

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@fedupslummymummy what a cunt. I'd make sure everyone knew what he was like. Thank god he died. [/quote]
Yes, you need to stop protecting his image, it’s not good for you. I got my freedom when mine opted out too, I understand how much of a relief it is.

@Milliepossum I’m sorry you had to go through this too. I hope you’re in a stronger and happier place.
I struggled with the fact that it was a relief for a long time and the guilt I felt for feeling that way was all-consuming. I now know that hiding my true feelings would only damage my own mental health in the long run. I let his family and friends blame me because I thought I was a bad person for feeling no remorse over his death. Therapy helped me understand my feelings were normal, why should I grieve a man who tormented me mentally and physically for years.
Friends have said I should write a book about my experience...I think that would be very cathartic and will also expose the truth about a man who is still heralded by the circles he used to move in as a saint.

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@fedupslummymummy what a cunt. I'd make sure everyone knew what he was like. Thank god he died. [/quote]
@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel I am grateful every day that he is dead!!

When I realised I couldn't stand the sight of him. Got rid. Best decision ever

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he went out to the shop to buy more beer but went to the pub instead. We were on benefits at the time as he was unable to physically work. He came home, woke our son and me with his loud music and refused to turn it down; it was a week day so I had work and son had school next day.

He then grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall and at the top of the stairs I saw my son. That was the moment that cemented it for me.
He then constantly asked me if breaking up the family was what I wanted, (which it wasn’t and why I’d stayed longer than I should have).
I don’t think he thought I’d go through with it.

Six months later he then asked if I was ready for him to move back in now that I’d ‘had my break’!!!

He huffed at his dinner. A big fat disappointed sigh. There was a whole long back-story but that sigh was what tipped the scales and I just stood up and asked him to leave. He'd packed and left within 2hrs.. 14 year marriage over.