I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

Writing about my nasty ex from the 1980s led me to google his name. I found an in memoriam posted by an undertakers in Northern Ireland. if it's the same person he dies in March 2019! The name is right, so is his mother's, brother's and father's. Interestingly, no mention of a wife or children.

I'm horrified to read all these appalling stories of massively insecure men bullying and controlling women, but I'm also so full of admiration for everyone's honesty.
So much of what I've read resonates with me, sadly. After twenty years of emotional abuse and silent treatment - which I thought at the time was me being so 'pathetic' that I infuriated him - he finally threw me down the stairs and hurled a full wine bottle at my head. I told him I was leaving him but he threatened to hurt our 3 DCs if I ever tried it. I knew her meant it so I stayed... He became ill with cancer and I remember going in to see him in hospital every day and praying his condition would have worsened and he would die. He did. Huge relief.
And then I fell for three more similarly abusive men as if I were drawn to them like a heat seeking missile.
I have since been healing from my own childhood trauma which led me into these relationshits and am soooo much happier on my own. I recommend listening to Lisa A Romano on Youtube - healing from narcissistic abuse. She rocks.

Only a boyfriend, but I was doubled over with an awful kidney infection following cystitis (after sex). I asked him for a lift to the hospital and he refused because he was too busy playing video games.

Not me but a friend. Their 14 year old son had battled bone cancer for years but had sadly died. There was a wake for him after the funeral at their house. Father of the boy had a little bit too much to drink and was talking in the garden under the kitchen window to a friend. He didnt realise that everyone in the kitchen including his wife could hear every word. He said to the friend that he was going away that weekend with his girlfriend to get over it. Turns out he had been having an affair for years with this woman. Telling his wife he was going walking with his mates. Wife went straight upstairs and packed his bag and threw him out in front of everyone.

Interesting to read the final straw or the one that makes us make a change is often something so trivial

It was once explained to me by a mental health professional like this: if you think of your mind as being a glass full of water, and every extra stress is another drip of water going in, then the thing that tips it over the edge and is just too much might be any one of those things – not necessarily a big thing at all.

@StormBaby

When I was in a car accident and taken to hospital in an ambulance and he couldn’t even be bothered to leave work.

Off that reminds me of the same ex as above, I was admitted to hospital, told I was miscarrying and needed surgery. He said he couldn’t get time off work to take me home. Had the OP the next day with my aunt to look after me.

I wish I’d called his boss with hindsight.

I bumped into a friend of his post breakup and the friend was stunned I was pregnant so I gave him the whole spiel of what had happened. They’re no longer friends and he still checks in with me now. Not often but to see if I’m doing alright.

It’s funny as another friend got in touch and affirmed my EX was a knobhead. For a long time I pretended he wasn’t.

It should have been when he emotionally and physically abused me in front of the kids.

It should have been when he called me a fat whore (was not fat).

It should have been when he did not speak to me or dd (aged 2) for 6 weeks when I announced I was pregnant as he had changed his mind - despite being actively involved in the planning of the baby.

It should have been when he admitted to going on a date when I was 8 months pregnant and blaming me for his actions.

It should have been when he failed to pick me up at the hospital after our second child was born as he was busy gardening and sent his mum instead!

It should have been when a friends husband died and I was jealous wishing it was mine.

It should have been when he woke me up by pouring ice cold water into my ear as he wanted sex and I was fast asleep….

It should have been 100s of times …

In the end I found proof on his phone he was having an affair and knew. And the feeling of relief was overwhelmingly.

That was 10 years ago now and I am divorced and have the most lovely DH. Kindest man you could ever meet.

It took time to have a healthy relationship though as I had to understand why I had not left before (anxiety, fear, self-esteem) but I made it.

Never got over my husband but not in that way, I realised I have terrible taste in men. Left age 28 now in mid 50s just me and my fabulous cat. Have fella but live separately.

@jugOFpimms

well there's been many ...but this moment of clarity was when he got bank statements out & asked me where id been to a costa in slough,firstly we couldn't go anywhere as in lockdown & secondly i don't live near slough, he had worked out the mileage & because i had put on calendar 100mls he thought that represented it....the real truth was the 100mls was in fact a cream id bought & was seeing how long it took me to get a new one & secondly the costa was in fact bought at our local hospital from a machine for my son who had broke his arm !!the machine was obviously registered to slough..............in my head this was my red flag ,siren going off but im still here & everyday i think why am i .....kids i suppose i do want out ,i actually feel sorry for him !

The kids don't want you to stay with a controlling abuser and it is really unfair for them to find out you did and carry the burden of mums life being shit while also going through shit themselves

It's easy to say just leave and not easy to do but it can be done. You just have to want to.

Not when he made me look at the floor whenever we were out (so I couldn't look at other men).
Not when he left me home alone the night my mum died so he could go clubbing.
Not after he had a go at me after her funeral because one of my male cousins had kissed my cheek.
Not after he ignored me/sulked at her wake.
Not after he 'went to KFC' for 4 hours when I was in labour with our child.
Not when he phoned me on the ward at 10pm to check if I'd fancied any of the doctors!
Not when I had 2 jobs and was paying for everything while he spunked all of his money gambling.
But when I realised he had also taken out loans in my name and been sleeping with someone else, the penny finally dropped.

I will never understand why my DM didn't leave my not so dear and so much in love with himself father when he:

1. Was so jealous, she couldn't even talk to his colleagues at a work party. I remember him screaming at her and beating her because she was "unfaithful".
2. Never put her first. It was his crazy family, his mother who was a spoilt woman-child, with a mouth more poisonous than a black mamba. She was spoilt by her parents, then married at 16 and her husband spoilt her too. My aunts never married, the eldest one was constantly there, taking me away for the weekend because I was her darling. I bore the brunt of the fight between them.
3. Had strong migraines but instead of adjusting his lifestyle - stop drinking, change his shift to daily shifts instead of working days and nights (he was given the choice), he chose to become addicted to opiates to the effect that he was like a walking vegetable. When he finally went to rehab, my most stupid idiotic aunt would bring him painkillers so he wouldn't suffer from withdrawal effects.
4. He was always belittling my mother for putting on weight after three children, telling her how he and his eldest sister were beautifully slim and she was fat.
5. He was constantly jealous but when he went into rehab, he was unfaithful to my mother. She still staid with him, even though he showed her photos of the other woman because he just had to brag.
6. He would constantly tell us that he deserves our full respect and obedience because he's our father, even though we saw his awful behaviour and couldn't respect him for that. Ever.
7. He would teach my brother nasty comments about kicking someone's nuts etc. and then get angry when my brother used them. Myself and my brother were one year apart in age and pre-puberty we had very similar voices. One day we were playing together and got a bit louder, my father shouted at us to be quiet, to which my brother, the ignorant 7y old shouted back he should be quiet or he will kick his nuts (which was exactly what my father taught him). To which my father screams, what did you just say, I will kick you in your stomach that you will never have children!
8. When we were hitting puberty, I obviously became ashamed of undressing in front of my family, my boobs were growing etc. My father would encourage my brother to barge in when I was hiding and trying to change in private and then laugh at my embarrassment. I told my mother, she yelled at him and still staid.
9. We were sitting together in the living room, my father, my aunt and I and just talking. I just said aunt XY, this and that, when suddenly he started screaming at me, what did you just say, repeat it, how did you address your aunt? I didn't know what to say, he just kept screaming what did you just say, say it again ... Then he slapped me. Turned out he didn't hear the word "aunt" which he wanted.

She could have left, her father arranged for her a job as a lawyer where she came from but she apparently "didn't want to separate the family".
They divorced when I was grown-up because she didn't appreciate his genius and refused to give up her career - she took on a job where she was travelling from time to time for business meetings and he didn't like that she suddenly didn't have a warm dinner for him every day and was actually very successful in her new career.
He moved away, squandered the golden handshake he refused from his life long employer and lives in the sticks with his girlfriend who we don't really know well. He sometimes sends text messages to my mother, asking for money and threatens that if doesn't give him some, he would tell us how unfaithful she was when they were married.
I wish they divorced and we moved away when we were still children.

to the point 7 (I see there should have been points 8 and 9 instead of repeating 6 and 7, my mistake) - he thought I said that.
I was horrified and remember this moment till today, 40 years later.

Christ, there are some utterly shitty and abusive men out there. Something is very wrong with a hell of a lot of men for this level of abuse to be happening to so very, very many women...

When he got his ow pregnant

Turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me btw and I've never looked back

@Tpvets

Christ, there are some utterly shitty and abusive men out there. Something is very wrong with a hell of a lot of men for this level of abuse to be happening to so very, very many women...

My late husband was taught well by both his parents, one of them is dead and we are NC with the other one and the rest of his relatives, it’s the only way I can think to not have my children influenced by those assholes. I just wish I was more aware when I was young , there was no internet then, but I am doing what I can to make sure my children notice things in other people that I didn’t so they can hopefully avoid disordered people.

@Georgyporky Wait, what?

Isn't it a wonderful feeling to find you are not the only one and that so many women have been through the mill too! Good posts.

Not really.

@llizzie

Isn't it a wonderful feeling to find you are not the only one and that so many women have been through the mill too! Good posts.

Absolutely not .

These experiences with men that are abusive are frightening.
Where have they learnt this behaviour is ok.
My late father was abusive in different ways to mum and us 3 children.
She should have left after he smashed the house up.
She should of left when he beat my older brother up.
She should of left when he didn't speak to me for 2 years.
(All because I gave my younger brother 5 some chocolate, I was 14)
Lots of other incidents that even now can make me shake with fear.
She now has dementia so I can't tell her how I feel about being let down.
Even now I worry that I might do something wrong or upset someone.

Yet my brothers have not taken after him thank goodness.
I've not taken after him.
So mums and dads can't always been blamed for the mens behaviour.
I'm sure a lot of these men wouldn't speak to another man like some speak to their families.
In childhood were they the weakest boy in the class and think they can now overpower the wife/children.

I'm not clever enough to get these b***DS to change.
I'm not clever enough to advise the government to change the law on abusive behaviour.

Ladies and gentlemen (because some men are abused as well) please find the help you need to get out.
Find the strength from somewhere to contact aid charities or get a friend to help you.
Whether you have been with them one day, one week, one year or 30 years you can get help.
Don't let the abuser have another minute of your life you deserve better.
💐💐💐 to you all.

Oopsie

@llizzie bloody hell. Shared suffering doesn't make it any easier or wonderful. It just points out there's a systemic problem with domestic violence in our society.

[quote Sarah90W]@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel - Look back on the chat, I explained the reply button hadn’t worked.

I think your being rude! 😜 and was having a bad morning so you took it out on me.

Everyone says I’m like the nicest person ever.[/quote]
And as I pointed out to you, the quote function works just fine.

There is no 'reply' function here.
I think you came onto a thread where people are telling the most harrowing stories to have a go at someone about money. Now you're pretending you're the wronged party.

@llizzie

Isn't it a wonderful feeling to find you are not the only one and that so many women have been through the mill too! Good posts.

I can see why other posters disagree with you and might feel cross, but I took your comment as trying to send reassurance to those who might still be feeling it was all somehow their fault—or possibly felt it at the time—that it wasn’t them. Not at all. And sometimes that gives people strength, especially when they see poster after poster rise above and survive.

Possibly you could have worded it better than “isn’t it a wonderful feeling,” but I think your heart was in the right place.

To all who have posted