Stuff that works again and again in books and films but wouldn't happen in real life

[StealthPolarBear]

Terrorist attack? Biochemical attack? Pandemic? You (as president) need to bring in a maverick against the advice of all your advisors and anyone with half a brain.
If male, they must live in their mum's basement and wear band t shirts. If female, they must be hot and geeky, and maybe have a bit of a hazy past.
Go and put your feet up. Sorted.

@JovialNickname

People die instantly, and silently when shot.

It's really easy to kill someone by accident, with hardly any force at all. A push during an argument, a shove at the top of a small flight of stairs, a light tap on the back on the head with a vase and they are no more. It's a miracle the human race has survived!

And then when you do accidentally kill someone, don't call 999 or try to do anything practical. Bury the evidence as badly as possible. Surely no one's bound to notice.

I suspect many deaths in films are inaccurately portrayed. There is an anecdote about Christopher Lee refusing to act his death scene in the The Return of the King as instructed by Peter Jackson because it was not how someone would have died after being stabbed in the back - something that Lee knew because he had been in the SAS and had witnessed people being stabbed in the back....

I have always felt that the generation of war movies from the mid 1940s-60s were in someways more realistic - even though special effects were more basic and the dialogue is a bit unfamiliar to audiences today - because many of the actors had actual experience of military service, some of them on the frontline where people were getting injured and dying.

@Toilenstripes

One lone cop, always American, can save the world.

Not always . Gerard Butler is Scottish.

Psychiatrists are always psychotherapists as well. And often either mad or a Nazi. In real life only some psychiatrists are psychotherapists, and very few are mad or Nazis.

Being shot is a minor and a quite easily overcome inconvenience, but only if you’re a good guy. Bonus points for self amateur surgery with vodka sterilised tools, you definitely won’t get an infection.

Any women under 45 vomiting, fainting or mentioning ‘stomach flu’ is pregnant.

Boy just books and films: if normal people spent all their social time in the pub like in Eastenders and Coronation Street the nation would be largely alcoholics and publicans would be millionaires.

And, come to that, why are the vents so clean in films?
I stuck my head above the trapdoor into the roof space above our single storey utility and was brushing out spiders webs for ages!

6' 5" dude flags down a car.
out scrambles a 5' little old lady.
dude gets in and drives off having made zero effort to adjust car seat height & distance or mirrors.
I NEED THOSE ONE SIZE FITS ALL CAR SEATS!!!!

Hollywood films teach you that:
a, labour starts with waters breaking. every. single. time.
b, not only that but then you immediately have contractions roughly 2 mins apart and unless you reach the hospital in under 5 mins baby is likely to be born in transit.
c, when you push you must scream. never mind that in real life it is physically/anatomically impossible to scream the way they do while bearing down - we shall continue to witness these scenes.
I guess realistic poo squeezing grunts are unacceptable.

@JackieTheFart

One thing that bugs me as it’s clearly normalised in America is people (Generally in more rural areas) driving to bars, drinking enough to be really quite impaired, and then driving home. Rarely do we see the barman taking keys off someone, that tends to only be when the a character is a known alcoholic.

I don't know about America specifically, but I'd think this is very common in much of the world.

"Women are senior hospital consultants/QC barristers/cabinet ministers with university-age children but the actress playing them is 36."

I've just watched a Mexican drama series on Netflix where the mother looks younger than her student daughter.

Girl disguised herself as a boy and becomes a hero, pirate, whatever

Woman beats the crap out of five burly SAS trained men because apparently they punch her soft as kittens.

You hear a prowler outside, so switch the light on and look out of the window. All you will see is your own reflection.

Yes OFOx!
Not only must the publicans be millionaires but surely the punters too?
In all the soaps, despite them all working on the Street/Square/Village as a hairdresser/stall holder/shop assistant etc and a 2 min walk from their own homes, they can all afford to eat breakfast in the local cafe, use the laundrette, have a few drinks and lunch in the pub then back to the pub every evening after work!!!
Why does nobody go home for lunch?
Why does everyone have a car (otherwise there'd be no need for the local mechanic) yet nobody drives anywhere as they all live, work and socialise within a 1 mile radius?
How can they afford to eat out for every meal?

Everyone lives in a medium size or large house which is clean, tidy and well decorated

No woman ever, ever sits down and takes her bra off

The way characters immediately lie about something rubbish and pointless to build suspense/mystery. Then as a really good ending is about to happen it goes balls up because of some stupid secret- love child, she's really her sister, the presiding judge is her father, the escaped lunatic is her long lost brother, blah blah. The suspense never works and is a cheap plot twist.
"I can't tell you [this stupid bollocks] it would ruin everything... it's not important... was a long time ago..."

IRL people don't allow situations (for the most part) to consume everything, to the point they are at risk of being assassinated, family murdered, cat maimed etc.

Affairs between a man and needy mistress are classic examples of weak storylines going too far and having too much power in a story that works fine without the extra BS!

2 that I make me slightly insanely batshat (with loathing):

• serial killer starts stalking the cop (or their family) who is trying to catch the serial killer.

• seriously clever criminals, especially serial killers

Reality: most criminals are thick. Too thick or emotionally messed up to have other opportunities. They'd live like straight people with ordinary lives if they were self-confident, capable & clever enough!

And they view cops as simply part of their working environment, occupational hazards who are almost like colleagues, really, just doing a different part of the dance routine. There's a lot of implicit courtesy towards each other between cops & perps (some of it legally mandated).

Children and babies who disappear, create no mess or laundry and require no feeding (or perhaps magical, free childcare and domestic services). Leaving parents loads of time and energy to kick ass at work / shag their lover.

@Gwenhwyfar possibly, but I haven’t noticed it in British films nearly so much and never in foreign films.

cop shouting freeze/stop at a person, few brief still moments when the camera cuts back and forth as if we didn't all know the dude/gal will run anyway only to be tackled pretty sharpish.

🙄

my absolute favourite scene goes like this:
protagonist: "how long will this take to hack?"
hacker: "6 months"
p: "you have 10 minutes"
h: "done"

🤣🤣🤣🤣
sensational

@Wrongsideofhistorymyarse

No woman ever, ever sits down and takes her bra off

do you mean no woman ever sits down TO take their bra off?

I seldom wear a bra anyway but I have taken it off while sitting down, if I was already sitting.
I wouldn't sit down in order to take it off though

Also in what films did you see that? I don't remember it as a cliché so I'm curious!

The love of your life (although love is never mentioned) decides there is no point hanging around (as the "love" is not reciprocated) so leaves for airport/station/port, the one left then decides they can't let this person go then makes a death defying chase to stop that person boarding the plane/train/boat and declare their undying love, it always ends well and the "chase"r always manages to get past airport security/ticket collector.leap on speeding boat......

[quote JackieTheFart]@Gwenhwyfar possibly, but I haven’t noticed it in British films nearly so much and never in foreign films.[/quote]
Well, drink driving is highly stigmatised and punished in the UK so you wouldn't see it so much in British films.