AIBU to be annoyed by peoples lack of motivation in life?

[Mindfulmummy1]

I am a single parent and live alone with my 3 yr old, I have recently moved to a new neighbourhood in a nice area (through a local housing association).

I'm working extremely hard and have managed to make a big step up in a career I've been pursuing for a very long time. I am very ambitious but I am very hard on myself too.

I understand that not everybody wants the same things in life, but am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at the lack of motivation people have for life in general? Everybody around me is unemployed, living on benefits, would rather spend their whole weekend drinking. I don't know if my opinions are unpopular, but everybody around me seems to be so lazy, has no drive, no ambitions etc., What is wrong with people?

I want to give my child the best possible life, every weekend were up and out early and exploring. Does anybody else see this constantly around themselves?

@Carbara

I have drive and dreams but not at all in terms of selling my labour and time. Bit cheeky of you to try to badmouth the ‘type’ of people you’re referring to when you’re dependent on others to house and fund you to a degree.

I mean I disagree with the OP’s post but that’s a generalisation about council housing. I live in one as a single parent and I’m not entitled to a single penny apart from CB because of my salary. No one funds my housing or my life, and she might be the same.

@TashieWoo

Clearly not so ambitious when you got knocked up in an unstable relationship... also my taxes are paying for your accommodation so don’t be so smug until you are self sufficient!

The relationship part was uncalled for.

@Snowrabbit Thanks for your reply. I understand that people are sometimes victims of circumstance. But, after watching a lot of talks/listening to podcasts a vast majority of these people who are 'self-made millionaires'/top of their careers have been through homelessness, poverty, abuse, bad childhoods but have managed to get to where they are now.

Are the life choices of strangers affecting your own life? If so, how?
If they aren't then why do they matter to you?

Maybe I'm a psycho but I can't imagine noticing let alone caring how randoms choose to live

Careful with that judgemental smuggery, it seems to have sent your 5 year old back in time since February.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4170015-Why-do-I-not-want-to-date

Run your own race OP. You don't know what others have gone through, you don't know what they are going through, you don't know what's next for you.

I fucking hate working I climbed the greasy pole for nearly a decade...got a senior position in a coveted Industry. The emperor has no clothes. Now I work from home, earn a lot less, finish at 5 and do my hobbies and see my friends. It's bloody brilliant.

The answer is obvious isn’t it?

• if you grow up without anbitious role models, go to a school where not much is expected, don’t get learning support at home, live in an area with limited employment ops where few people do move up, and where those non-professional jobs there are are poorly paid because traditional blue collar industries have collapsed - maybe chuck in some learning issues and an insecure home life - and that is a situation it is harder to do well from. Some people will, but they will need more drive - or someone to see something in them - than someone from an easier background.

Of course it may well be your neighbours are all very busy with jobs and businesses all week and just like to relax of a weekend,

People are different OP, but Britain has become an increasingly divided nation between haves and have nots over the last 40 years. The fact that lots of people can’t see a way out of their position is to a good degree the fault of how we run our society.

OP - these people have also been spectacularly lucky. It's certainly not the 'vast majority.' Believing that good things come to those who somehow deserve them is a nice thing to believe for comfort but it's just not true. And actually the "vast majority" of these people get where they are through ruthlessness and a form of exploitation - through underpayment of employees, poor working conditions, unpaid overtime for almost all staff, using third world countries to pay lower costs, tax avoidance, improper use of data (looking at the tech companies here). Take lots of super rich and they have trampled on an awful lot of people to get where they are. That's where contempt and devaluing of other people can lead by the way.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4170015-Why-do-I-not-want-to-date

How did your daughter get two years younger?

Nice drop in about the housing association too.

With the greatest respect you are indeed judging, you are measuring others by your own yardstick.

I assume you have a story of how you became a single parent, a story for how you ended up in a HA property, and a story for how you’ve progressed in you career to date etc. These stories or rather experiences make up part of who you are. You are lucky that these experiences have spurred you on, you’ve managed to maintain your ambition and there is nothing wrong with being proud of that and proud of what you have achieved. For some people though just getting out of bed of a morning is an achievement, and they can be proud of that too.

What’s not on though is thinking that just because you came upon hard times and are surviving well on the other side of things gives you the right to look down on those who are not where you are, or those who don’t share you outlook on life.

Quiet simply you have no idea what others have gone through and experienced. You have no idea what their upbringing was, what their health is like, no idea what their support system is or whether they even have any at all.

To look at me now you would have no idea that I was once homeless, that I had nothing but coppers in my purse, wondering if I could afford to eat that day or not. My success in getting out of that situation isn’t measured by the house I own now, in the car I drive or by the job I have. I measure my success in the fact that I simply survived the situation, others are not so lucky.

So before you think anything about anyone else remind yourself that you haven’t lived their life and count yourself lucky that you’ve lived yours instead.

Yeah but, ADHD.

It's nothing to do with you - let people live their own lives in their own way.

I've never wanted a career - I'm over 60 - all I wanted was to earn money to live. I'm now unemployed/temp working and I'm happy and content. I took voluntary redundancy from a place I had grown to hate working in - best decision of my life. Poor, but happy as they say.

HA and council housing isn't subsidised by others. Unless a person is in receipt of benefits, tenants pay full rent. The difference is that they aren't being ripped off by unscrupulous private landlords and so the rent is more fair and they have more protection.
You are really lucky to have this OP - I'd love to have a new build house and no hefty mortgage or responsibility for fixing the boiler or replacing the windows!
Remember that whatever you are doing career wise is for your own benefit. Other people don't owe it to you to live in exactly the same way.

Depression. Mental illness. Conditions such as ASD and ADHD which affect social communication and executive function. Physical disabilities and chronic illnesses that aren’t immediately visible or obvious. Caring responsibilities (did you know less than 25% of mothers of children with SN / disabilities work outside the home? To some, “doing the very best” by their children might be providing financially. For others, it means sacrificing their own ambitions to provide the best care).

And let’s face it, we need people to perform the roles that ambitious types look down upon. There’s a woman who works for the council and sweeps our street every week. Probably terribly paid and hardly aspirational, but I’m really thankful for what she does because our street looks much better when it’s not covered in fried chicken boxes and dog crap.

I can remember when the description ‘single parent’ was a condemnation, suggesting fecklessness and immorality. Thankfully we have moved on from such prejudice. If there are people ‘happily living’ on state benefits enjoying the good life, whilst willfully rejecting paid employment, I’d very much must like to know the secret...most benefit payments are abysmally low and designed to keep people in a state of extreme want. That said, the lack of ambition and drive observed by the OP is out there. The absence she speaks of is really a moral crisis (as unfashionable as that sounds). One only has to watch the TV to observe it, the fodder served up on a nightly basis is pitiless puerile dross. Self expression seems to translate not into any meaningful ‘rights’ eg the right to be educated, the right to live in a society where culture is valued, the right to work etc but rather the right to be a philistine, the right to live a very superficial life, where success is about excessive materialism and minimal effort. Years ago people deferred a great deal to their ‘betters’ without questioning the ‘why’. Now there is no deference, ignorance and laziness are every bit as worthwhile as study and self discipline. As a generalization everyone is an expert and no one is an expert. We seem to have lost interest in anything but a superficial type of existence. Having it ‘all’ and having it ‘now’ and having it ‘because I’m worth it’ seems to be a modern mantra. What is the ‘it’?

[quote Mindfulmummy1]@Snowrabbit Thanks for your reply. I understand that people are sometimes victims of circumstance. But, after watching a lot of talks/listening to podcasts a vast majority of these people who are 'self-made millionaires'/top of their careers have been through homelessness, poverty, abuse, bad childhoods but have managed to get to where they are now.[/quote]
You know that those people are a tiny tiny tiny minority of those who have endured those things, right? And you know that others have been destroyed, mentally or physically, by those same things?

It's bizarre that you think that everyone can find the strength (or still has any resilience left) to succeed after that. Even assuming that they have the academic or practical abilities to do so.

Just saying "I am not judging" does not change the fact that you are judging. However many times you say it. Read your OP. It's incredibly judgmental.

People are different, they are not all like you, they have their own struggles, and cope with those struggles differently, not everyone is resilient, or good at battling life. Everyone has different personalities, different life experiences, different challenges, different abilities to cope with things, different support networks, etc etc etc Stop expecting everyone to be like you and assuming that everyone who isn't like you is somehow less.

Everyone has a goal. Something they want, strive for. Different factors (chemical , environmental, social etc) impact the decision making. I've been both ends of the spectrum - earnt too much to claim anything, been legally homeless. Have a look outside of the bubble, there's 101 reasons people struggle.

I sort of see what you mean.

Although I do think you're stereotyping.

'no drive and ambition' for what exactly. Maybe they have drive to get up every morning...
Maybe it's momentary for them like its momentary for you.

If we all had the same drive and ambition then life wouldn't be anything like we know it to be.

If you were my neighbour you'd probably think the same about me tbh. To them it probably looks like I sit inside with my son all day... only have a trip / walk a couple of times a week and 'chill' in the garden.

Yeah right now we do. But I'm studying my ass off inside my flat several hours a day/ evening to get to the life I desire. I also work part time (currently not working due to the pandemic). So yeah, I'm also on benefits, but right now I don't have a choice unless I work 35+ hours a week, which isn't doable being a single parent and all.

I'd rather not be on benefits, I'm sure the majority of people who are feel this way too.

My opinion of what's best for my child probably differs from yours. It doesn't involve loads of money and material possession.

No one knows what goes on in people's lives. I feel a sense of annoyance towards those who live near you because they're 'chilling' everyday and you're working your ass off.

I sometimes feel this too, but 1. Being on benefits doesn't mean people aren't working their assets off and 2. Being in such a low income is by no means easy, it can actually be a contributing factor to mental health issues and physical illnesses...

So the circles pretty vicious.

[quote Mindfulmummy1]@Clevererthanyou There's nothing wrong with self-love and being in a good place in your life! I don't understand why people feel threatened when somebody recognises their self-worth[/quote]
People who are confident and who have self-esteem don't need to put others down in order to feel good about themselves.

I guess it varies from person to person, for me, I want to be smarter, and do well with my projects, and feel like I have achieved some measure of achievements and have at least tried to do some good for different causes.

My weakness is I get bored quickly, and or a new project glitters and I'm then planning the next project rather than completing the current one. E.g. Studying forensics one week, cold war espionage the next, then under ground construction of subway tunnels, cold war bunkers, to understanding military tactics ect I need to focus more on one project or a couple of projects, rather than jump from one intrigue to the next.

How do you know what people's motivation or goals are? Have you interviewed them at length to ascertain if their goals and dreams are good enough for you? How do you know they're at their destination and not just on a different stepping stone to you?

I probably look like someone without any motivation or goals from the outside, most people don't know I'd been promoted 3 times in my last job, was on a good salary or that I could see the arse falling out of hospitality and have jumped ship back into an industry where I'm bottom of the ladder again, but still a rung ahead of unemployment, and training in this new sphere to make the promotions here.
But then I don't feel the need to advertise it so everyone in my neighborhood knows how motivated I am.
Probably I'm just judged on the fact I live in social housing and am a single mum....... 🤷

Sis, we are literally in the midst of creating history here. People will be taught about the pandemic for decades to come. You surely can’t begrudge people for having mental health issues during this testing time. How are you surprised that people are unmotivated?

You clearly lack emotional intelligence 🥴

I understand people have mental health issues but 'mental health' is also thrown around an awful lot too. This post has sparked curiosity after watching rich house, poor house tonight, I didn't expect a huge debate, just asking for opinions that's all.