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Original poster

Can you really love someone else kid?

147 replies

SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:33

I’m seeking the harsh truth... I genuinely don’t feel like my OH has truly accepted or loved my child from my previous marriage.

Am I expecting too much? Can you just not love someone else’s child like your own?

I won’t be mad - please hit me with the harsh truth. I just want to know as if that’s the case then maybe I should stop expecting so much from him.

OP posts:

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 19/04/2021 01:17

My stepdad was just my dad. He loved me and I loved him. We were a mix of biological and non-biological children growing up and nobody was ever treated any differently, or loved any different.

caringcarer · 19/04/2021 02:12

I have 3 adult children ofy own and a foster child who I have cared for since he was 5. He is now almost 15. I love him every bit as much as my own children and think of and treat all equally. He will inherit 1/4 of my estate along with my biological children. My dh does not have any biological children of his own but has helped me bring up my youngest child and foster son. He loves them all too.

ShinyGreenElephant · 19/04/2021 02:21

I love my sc but nowhere near as much as I love my own. Likewise, my husband loves my daughter but he loves his own more. That's normal. Your oh however sounds like an arsehole and like he doesn't even like your dc. I couldn't be doing with that

Original poster

SeekingSomethin · 19/04/2021 07:32

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:

SlipperTripper · 19/04/2021 09:05

You can truly love them. But you don't love them like you love your own child. It's a totally different feeling. Well, it is for me anyway.

AuntyHope · 19/04/2021 09:19

Step parents don't need to love their step children like biological children. They do need to accept them and make them feel wanted and not just tolerated though, because a child's need to be accepted and wanted at home trumps any adult need in that situation. If he can't step up and be a decent step parent, adult and human then I would LTB. Stability is not about having the same adults in your life, stability comes from knowing you have a safe person/people, a safe place to call home, love, safety and acceptance. I get the pressure to make this work after a failed relationship before, but it is not ok for your children to feel like an irritant to be tolerated or ghosted, to live with horrible atmospheres and a step parent who behaves like a stroppy teenager

2andahalfpints · 19/04/2021 09:23

I do love my dss like I love my dds, he was only 1 when we blended though so not sure if that made a difference

ShowUsTheMeaningOfHaste · 19/04/2021 09:28

I'm sure you can love a child that isn't yours. Whether that love would be exactly the kind of parent - child kind of love though I don't know.

I have SC and whilst I do care about and I guess love them in my own way it is absolutely nothing like the love I have for my own Son.

I don't necessarily think it's necessary anyway to be a happy home, providing they are welcoming and kind and have a positive relationship I would say that is enough and I wouldn't be tying myself in knots trying to work out if he actually loved them or not.

Although to be fair it doesn't sound like he does have a great relationship with them otherwise I don't think you'd be posting.

sessell · 19/04/2021 09:33

I'm sorry OP but your OH sounds like a self-centred, immature man. He's the one who needs to grow up. I met DP when DS was 3. There is no question that he loved DS as much as our later DDs. DH made the effort from the start - he was the adult. It didn't take much, DC respond to genuine warmth, interest and care, like plants to sunshine. Don't we all.

billy1966 · 19/04/2021 09:35

This isn't about a step parent loving a child as much as his own.

This couldn't be further than that.

You have moved a bossy, unpleasant, overbearing twat into your home and your son is completely protecting himself by avoiding this man.

Absolutely awful situation for your son.

You took him away from his father for this?

If your son is not able to live with his father through your choice, you have an obligation to give him a safe home.

How upsetting and damaging it must be for your son having to protect himself within HIS home.

That you had to tell this twat to F off and leave disciplining your child to you??
Awful.
He should be your priority but he isn't.

Your sadness is pure guilt because you know well you should never have moved him in, and when you did and witnessed him bullying your son, you should have turfed his arse out.

Apologies for the harsh reply but you need to take action here and give your son his home back.

Is this bullying twat more important than your son?
The message to your son is that he is.

I don't think you are acknowledging how hugely damaging this is to your child's childhood.

Please take action.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 09:37

OH is fine when DC is at dads, also DC is happier when OH is not home. I can see that they are not suited and it’s only because of me they have to endure one another. It’s really sad tbh I’m quite down about it all

Listen to your instincts. I would not make my child live with someone who didn't make the effort with them. It's not fair that kids are forced to live with people they don't get along with because their parent wants the relationship.

Enko · 19/04/2021 09:41

Yes a stepparent can love you fiercely. Fully accept you and fully integrate you into their lives. Doesnt happen that often but it is possible I have a stepfather of 46 years and even 6 years after my mother has passed he is interested and involved in our loves. Calls our children his grandchildren and they are.

I have had 3 stepmothers 1 was a horrific experience. When my dad and her split she walked away and never even said bye. I made contact with her. I made contact with her as an adult and we spoke. I have realised she is not my sort of person and I think a little self obsessed but I have peace around it. 2nd stepmother hung around for several years after her and my father split but no longer wishes contact. I have contact with her children who explained ahe has some serious mental health problems and simply struggles to function as a human doesn't always want contact with them. They both keep contact with my father. Last stepmother was as an adult and she made my father very happy and was a kind grandparents figure to my children before she died.

When people ask about my parents I reply. My dads are still alive my mother passed.

As that is the truth.

Cotton55 · 19/04/2021 10:19

@Lazierdays

Well you can’t force love but you can, as the adult in the situation, put time and effort into building a relationship with the DC and from there love and affection will grow in time. Take them for a bike ride, play football or even just Xbox with them. Doesn’t take much to start building a relationship. Do you do stuff as a family? Board games? Walks? Do they interact then?

I would expect any partner who is serious enough to be living with me or spending a lot of time around my child to make the effort to chat to and play with them and would not be impressed at sitting in silence! I would think my DC would feel rejected and awkward if an adult behaved like that to them in their own home. Kindness costs nothing as my Nan would have said!

This. I can imagine it must be harder to build a more meaningful relationship with an older SC. But your DC was quite young when you got together and your OH has been in her (his?) life for a few years now. I'd be concerned about this relationship tbh. He thinks because she's younger she should be making the effort?! Wth?! He's the adult! And his way of stepping back is acting like your DC doesn't exist?? Why would you want this man in your childs life? I think expecting him to love her like his own child might be unrealistic but surely the least you would expect from someone you moved into your house is that he would make a big effort with your DC? He seems to make zero effort with her. If I had a DC (and I have 3) I couldn't be with someone like this -for my DC's sake. They don't need to be playing board games 24/7 but surely it's not too much to ask that they'd bring them out for an ice cream occasionally, chat to them about their day/interests, make them feel special, include them, join in with family activities etc etc. She doesn't need a replacement father, she has one already. But she does need a decent man who will make an effort with her and who genuinely likes her. It doesn't sound like your OH does.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 19/04/2021 10:26

@SeekingSomethin

I think you know now what you need to do.

Not only for DS, but for yourself.

I'm sorry because I'm sure it'll hurt & it'll be a bit lonely, BUT I think you & DS will both benefit hugely not luving like this and your relationship will be stronger for it. I'd actually explain to him, that you stayed with it fir so long, not because you didn't care, but because you hoped they'd develop a nice relationship and because you didn't think it was a good example to set that you just leave when things are hard, but that sometimes it's the best thing to do for everyone

Don't keep seeing him once he moves out, he's not worth your time, he's really not. We're coming into spring/summer, enjoy your time with DS while he's young enough that he wants to do stuff eith you, you're still his world. He'll soon be wanting to be off with his friends and not hanging out with mum, don't waste another minute of it!

Chimen · 19/04/2021 10:36

I think it depends if the other father is on the scene or not.
But I’d trust your gut instinct that something is wrong with the way he treats your son.

Bloodybridget · 19/04/2021 11:35

I think it would be a bit sad for any adult to live with a child for several years and not form an affectionate bond with them, unless maybe the child was actively hostile. If I were you, OP, this would upset me too

AliceAliceWhoTheFook · 19/04/2021 12:26

[quote SeekingSomethin]@Lazierdays I hate to admit it but you’re suggestion is the one I’ve been thinking about too. OH is fine when DC is at dads, also DC is happier when OH is not home. I can see that they are not suited and it’s only because of me they have to endure one another. It’s really sad tbh I’m quite down about it all[/quote]
I think you know in your mind what needs to happen. You're feel guilty about splitting again. But actually this time it is purely for your son's benefit and therefore you have no reason at all to be guilty and you should go ahead with the split.

From the situations described I think it sounds like an uncomfortable situation and it's nothing fair on your child.

Thatsmycupoftea · 19/04/2021 12:39

Met my dh when my eldest was a baby, shes now 8. We now have another dc. Eldest dies not have contact with her biological dad.

Dh is dcs father in every way. He treats her exactly the same as younger dc. He spends time with her, cares for does everything I do etc.. he actually plays more games with the dc than me and thet share an interest in some stuff I don't understand on the computer so are always on about that and doing it together.

He speaks about his two dcs to others or when asked if he has dc etc..

He includes her in everything. Picks her up from school while I work. He worries about her when ill etc and gets upset if she is hurt.

Basically treats her as his own. I have no doubt that he loves her.

No idea if deep down he loves her as much as our youngest but it doesn't matter.

I would be concerned in your situation, its not about how much he loves your dc but how his lack of effort will affect them.

Bibidy · 19/04/2021 13:19

I think it's definitely possible, but not guaranteed and also not necessary.

From your updates, it sounds like your DP and DS are fine with the 'relationship' (such as it is) that they have and I think you would be unfair to try and force more because you'd rather it was different.

As long as they are civil with each other then I'd say just leave them to it.

Original poster

SeekingSomethin · 25/04/2021 16:19

Hey everyone, thought I’d update - I bit the bullet and have asked OH to leave

OP posts:

JackieLavertysWeirdVoice · 25/04/2021 16:48

@SeekingSomethin

Hey everyone, thought I’d update - I bit the bullet and have asked OH to leave

I think that's the right decision.

Are you enmeshed financially or can you move ahead on this reasonably quickly?

billy1966 · 25/04/2021 17:21

Well done OP.

Good decision.

Original poster

SeekingSomethin · 25/04/2021 21:09

@JackieLavertysWeirdVoice - I’m in a decent situation as it was my house we were staying in. I’ve endured more than I normally would purely because this would be the second relationship I ended and I didn’t want to show DC I’m failing or for DC to think ‘mum can’t keep a relationship’.

OP posts:

Original poster

SeekingSomethin · 25/04/2021 21:10

@billy1966 thank you

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2021 21:11

Good work OP. You’re doing the right thing. Has he moved out?

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