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Original poster

Can you really love someone else kid?

147 replies

SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:33

I’m seeking the harsh truth... I genuinely don’t feel like my OH has truly accepted or loved my child from my previous marriage.

Am I expecting too much? Can you just not love someone else’s child like your own?

I won’t be mad - please hit me with the harsh truth. I just want to know as if that’s the case then maybe I should stop expecting so much from him.

OP posts:
hartwood · 18/04/2021 23:03

In an ideal world, yes but it doesn't always work out like that. I think as long as your DS feels comfortable around him then it's fine, 2 hours in a room together not talking at the very least shows that they're very comfortable around one another.

My friend has a non existent relationship with her step dad and was very happy with that. They exchange pleasantries like how was your day but that's that, she's now 27 and still lives at home. I grew up with an awful relationship with both step parents so this set up sounds blissful to me tbh.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:04

Thank you @JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows it’s this kind of harsh truth I need to hear. However, why does it pain me so much when I see the non existent relationship between them

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 18/04/2021 23:06

I understand that must be tough to watch. But so many people have such trouble with their SC or partner and children that "no issues but no huge bond" would be a dream for them.

You say they could be in a room for hours but silent - I may be looking at it wrong but there's some real comfort in being in silence with your loved ones. If your son ever starts to want to be in a different room to your OH, is when you should worry

Branleuse · 18/04/2021 23:08

Some can, some cant

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:08

@EmeraldShamrock OH says DC doesn’t really bother with him so he leaves DC to it. They will exchange a hello but that’s about it... it makes me uncomfortable but I don’t know if it’s just me, maybe they both are comfortable with this set up?

I always check in with DC just to make sure everything is all good and DC tells me OH is not their cup of tea and can be bossy, I agree as OH definitely can be

OP posts:
TooMuchAndNotEnough · 18/04/2021 23:08

Of course you can. I think that a biological connection is far less important than the quality of the relationship. Many stepparents love their stepchildren as much as they do their biological children.

Does your partner just ignore your child, OP? Do you all live together?

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:09

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows OH will be on his phone messing around and DC will be on tablet, same room but total silence between them and I’m in the kitchen cooking but feeling ever so awkward for them, why is this

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:12

@TooMuchAndNotEnough yes we all live together. DC sees dad frequently but when DC is with us I see a change in OH. For eg: OH will seldom do anything with DC such as board games, take DC for a drive or an ice cream etc, OH will just slip away into the bedroom and put a movie on and leave us to it

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 18/04/2021 23:12

@SeekingSomethin do you think you maybe have underlying guilt about your split with his dad? Because really it doesn't sound anything to be awkward about

I wouldn't worry - I often spend time with my kids on the same room while we're all on our electronics! I certainly don't have long conversations every day with the people I love with

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:14

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows the split with the dad was my decision, he didn’t want to split. The guilt weighs heavy on my chest every single day

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:16

I honestly just expected OH and DC to have a foundation based on a friendship of some sort.

What it actually has become is just a tolerance of one another because of me, I feel like I’m the reason they are even in the same room and if both had it their way they would rather not know each other..

OP posts:
Lazierdays · 18/04/2021 23:17

Well you can’t force love but you can, as the adult in the situation, put time and effort into building a relationship with the DC and from there love and affection will grow in time. Take them for a bike ride, play football or even just Xbox with them. Doesn’t take much to start building a relationship. Do you do stuff as a family? Board games? Walks? Do they interact then?

I would expect any partner who is serious enough to be living with me or spending a lot of time around my child to make the effort to chat to and play with them and would not be impressed at sitting in silence! I would think my DC would feel rejected and awkward if an adult behaved like that to them in their own home. Kindness costs nothing as my Nan would have said!

LovePoppy · 18/04/2021 23:17

If my stepmother doesn’t love me, she’s been an incredible actress the last 27 years, going so far as to adopt me after she and my dad split.

It is possible

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 23:18

Bossy? Hmmm. He can’t have it both ways. He’s either detached and leaves you to the parenting. Or he’s a parent figure and engages in a meaningful way.

In what ways is he bossy?

Are you living together?

Don’t let anyone boss around your child in their own home if the rest of the time they can’t be arsed with more than a brief hello. That’s not okay at all.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:20

@Lazierdays that’s how I feel, it doesn’t take much to initiate some kind of leisurely activity or something to bond over? It could be the smallest thing, I’m not expecting grand gestures but even “hey, you wanna go to the shop and get an ice cream”

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 18/04/2021 23:21

[quote SeekingSomethin]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows the split with the dad was my decision, he didn’t want to split. The guilt weighs heavy on my chest every single day[/quote]
I think we've found the real reason for your anxiety around this all.

I get it, I really do - I split with exH 2 years ago. My decision as well, ex didn't want to. For me it was the best decision of my life and I'm so happy. My kids on the other hand - they are OK but if they had their way we'd be back together - their dad would agree! The guilt does weigh heavy especially when they notice they can't do a friend's party because it's dad's weekend or that they're from a different kind of family to their peers. But I remember that it's my job to set good examples - and staying in an unhappy marriage where I was miserable and treated terribly does not set a good example.

I truly believe that my choice to leave will one day allow them to set high standards for their own relationships. That they'll enter relationships knowing that being loved and respected is so important, and they won't be trampled over for the sake of staying together. Who knows...time will tell. But the guilt is intense but remember why you left and the example you'd have set had you stayed Thanks

TooMuchAndNotEnough · 18/04/2021 23:22

That would be a dealbreaker for me, I’m afraid. Obviously, I’m not saying it should be the end of your relationship, just that I wouldn’t want to live that way. It sounds quite sad, as though there is no connection, no sense that you are a blended family at all.

Does your partner want to cultivate a closer relationship with your child or is he happy with things as they are? If he is willing to make some effort, that would be something. And it really is up to him to change things, since he is the adult.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:22

@AnneLovesGilbert OH is quite full on and has an “all or nothing” type attitude. I’ve only ever asked him to be a friend to DC as dad is present, however, OH has went in a bit hard in the past and I’ve asked him to step back. His way of stepping back is acting like DC doesn’t exist.

This really doesn’t sit well with me

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 23:24

Can you give any examples of going in a bit hard?

Also, how were things when you decided to move in together? Did DP move in with you?

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:24

@TooMuchAndNotEnough I said the same thing you did regarding OH being the adult and so he should put the effort in as essentially he has come into DCs life. OH doesn’t see it this way, he says DC is younger and so should make effort with him

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:26

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes he moved in with me. Examples of going in hard would be trying to be the disciplinarian when that’s my job or dads. OH is very opinionated and “it’s my way or the high way” and so we’ve had some clashes to the point I asked OH to simple back off. His way of backing off is totally ghosting DC in my opinion

OP posts:
Lazierdays · 18/04/2021 23:28

Honestly, live separately with your DC and see this man, if you otherwise have a great relationship, separately when DC is at their dads.
No child should feel unliked and unwanted in their own home and the pre teen and teen years will likely be very difficult if you stay in this awkward situation.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:28

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows the thing is the reasons I left are now popping up in this relationship too. So am I really setting a good example

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:30

@Lazierdays I hate to admit it but you’re suggestion is the one I’ve been thinking about too. OH is fine when DC is at dads, also DC is happier when OH is not home. I can see that they are not suited and it’s only because of me they have to endure one another. It’s really sad tbh I’m quite down about it all

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 23:31

he says DC is younger and so should make effort with him

Bloody hell.

You must realise how utterly poor that is.

His way of backing off is totally ghosting DC in my opinion

That’s really not okay.

I’m feeling extremely sympathetic to your child.

It sounds like you’re having doubts and if I’m honest it’s not before time.

Your child only has one childhood and one home with their mum. They’re sharing it with a man they didn’t ask for who’s either a harsh disciplinarian or shows no interest in them at all. You know that’s wrong. It’s nothing at all to do with love. You’ve posted because you know it’s all wrong and you’ve realised how wrong.