Can you really love someone else kid?

[SeekingSomethin]

I’m seeking the harsh truth... I genuinely don’t feel like my OH has truly accepted or loved my child from my previous marriage.

Am I expecting too much? Can you just not love someone else’s child like your own?

I won’t be mad - please hit me with the harsh truth. I just want to know as if that’s the case then maybe I should stop expecting so much from him.

@AnneLovesGilbert Correct, the thing that hurts most is I’ve already failed with DCs dad and now failed again. What a horrible example I’m setting. I don’t want DC to feel like mum has no stability and moves on too quick

But yes, me posting this was to gauge opinions if I’m expecting too much from OH to make an effort (whether or not he likes DC) purely for the sake of the harmony of the household. It seems like my expectations are not high but instead his compassion is low.

Difficult. And yes , I think you are spot on when you say they would give each other the time of day if it wasn’t for you. He has a father , which I’m sure he’d rather spend more time with and your OH is aware of that so they have v limited common ground and sometimes you just don’t get on with somebody, irrespective of their age. If he has a good relationship with his father then I don’t think it’ll effect time long term but I doubt he’ll hang around when he gets old enough. University and gone.

[quote SeekingSomethin]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows the thing is the reasons I left are now popping up in this relationship too. So am I really setting a good example[/quote]
Well only you know that my lovely - you sound like an amazing mum, be strong and do what's right for you and your son

You want your child to feel they’re your number one priority. That their home with you is filled with love, support, engagement, laughter, kindness, understanding, acceptance. That people make mistakes. That it’s okay to change your mind.

Instead of giving yourself a hard time it’s more productive to take a clear-eyed look at life as it is, rather than life as you wish it was, and then act in the interests of your child and yourself.

I bet once you get your OH out of the home then your DC will be quite relieved to be living with someone who loves and cares about them.
Honestly it’s much better to remove them from a toxic situation and as the house is yours hopefully it won’t be too disruptive at all for them. for you though it’s not easy. Remember if you aren’t happy with OH you don’t have to stay together at all either. Single life is great and fulfilling too and no added complications for DC! You got this.

@Pyewackect that’s my fear, that when old enough DC will run for the hills and I’d be missing out because I know it wouldn’t be due to me. I find it hard to digest that my OH could be a factor in tarnishing my relationship with my DC which we’ve worked on so hard since DC was born, the bond we’ve built due to effort, love, compassion and time all just turning to dust because OH can’t sort his slapped arse of a face and attitude

I absolutely could love a child that wasn't mine like my own and I would expect my DP to feel the same of they wouldn't be my DP.
He's gotta go OP. Harsh but trueX

Sorry lovely

I think some people can. Remember, there are different types of love.

@Lazierdays I like the picture you’re painting and I feel relief just talking about the prospect of it happening tbh

This has moved on a bit from whether or not you can love someone’s child.

It sounds like this man doesn’t like OP’s child at all and is either being critical or completely avoidant.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows I think I know the answer ♥️

@AnneLovesGilbert yes it feels that way on a daily basis for me, it’s the question I keep asking myself- OH would be happier if he could mould DC into his idea of a “good kid”

You sound like you are a strong woman and you can choose to make the best life possible for you and your DC.
You know the current situation isn’t a great one so you can and will change it.
MN is great for helping us see situations with clarity when it’s hard to see what’s under our nose.

@Lazierdays I’ve sensed this for a while now and have had numerous chats with OH about it but he doesn’t change. He is either fully invested (bossy, demanding, over bearing) or totally detached (acts like DC doesn’t exist). If there was a middle ground I wouldn’t be on mumsnet tonight venting to you lovely people. All I’ve ever wanted is the middle ground which is for OH to be a mate and that’s it. OH would rather throw this all away than change because he is so set in his ways.

Of course you can, but it sounds like your OH doesn't.

I love my stepdd, I've been in her life for 23 years and she lived with us for 3 years before going off to uni. She loves me too, we can talk for hours about anything and everything. I miss her now as she lives with her bf over the other side of the country and we haven't seen her for ages. Bloody COVID!

Your DS behaviour will reflect his feelings living with an adult who doesn't like him.

It's a long time before your DC leave you, why ruin the time being with someone who doesn't like them.
There's plenty of men in the world there will be in the future but you can't replace a child or the upset it caused putting a man before them.
He had his chance he made no effort.

OH would rather throw this all away than change because he is so set in his ways.

That’s all there is to it then. At least he’s being honest I suppose.

Your child deserves the best life you can give them. That’s got to be one without this cold man in it. You sound pretty clear on what you need to do now

Recreate the happy home you both deserve. I’m sure you’ll thrive.

OH says DC doesn’t really bother with him so he leaves DC to it. They will exchange a hello but that’s about it.
That's so bad.
I'm not interested in YouTube videos or Minecraft but I pretend I'm interested interacting with the DC.
Is OH lazy?

Oh, dear. The more you post, the worse your partner sounds. He seems very rigid and inflexible. And as for expecting your child to make the effort? That’s ridiculous.

The atmosphere in your house sounds quite oppressive. Imagine being a child in this situation, without any power to change things. Being alternately criticised and ignored by an adult who lives there. I think one danger is that your child will internalise your partner’s attitude and begin to feel that he is somehow to blame, that he is not good enough. It could seriously damage his self-esteem.

You sound like a really caring mum. But it doesn’t seem right that your child has to live this way.

I agree the more you post, I want to physically remove him myself.
You see it now it can't be unseen. I think you'd be much happier without this dominant downer in your life.
Don't waste anymore time.

@EmeraldShamrock Yes OH can be lazy, he needs to be encouraged to have a day out at the park etc.

Also OH doesn’t think DC meets his ‘standards’. I feel like he looks down on DC. I’m quite a laidback mum, I don’t mind screen time and don’t really count each minute DC spends on it. I also do all the cooking and don’t mind having more than one takeaway a week. OH on the other hand, he needs to make a comment about these things and look down at me for them. I feel like the pair of us aren’t good enough (me and DC)

Your son is being blanked/ghosted in his own home. I don't think this is healthy for him at all.

Your partner is not going to change. Is this how you want your lovely child to experience his home life? blanked and ghosted (as the alternative is shouted at and domineered?)

Don't think of it as failure. You didn't fail with your ex - you have a son and he is present in his life. that isn't a failure and you don't have to present it like that to your son. With regard to the guy who moved in - tell him to move out again and explain to your son that he wasn't right in your family dynamic and he will learn the valuable lesson of not putting up with shit in a relationship.

@TooMuchAndNotEnough He’s very rigid and refuses to budge, if he ever has tried it’s not lasted long and out comes the real him. I was hoping for a laid back, fun filled, loving home but this is very different to what I hoped for.