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Original poster

Can you really love someone else kid?

147 replies

SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:33

I’m seeking the harsh truth... I genuinely don’t feel like my OH has truly accepted or loved my child from my previous marriage.

Am I expecting too much? Can you just not love someone else’s child like your own?

I won’t be mad - please hit me with the harsh truth. I just want to know as if that’s the case then maybe I should stop expecting so much from him.

OP posts:
Bul21ia · 19/04/2021 00:02

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

You can love them, but honestly if you and your OH split would he ever see your DC again?

I'm actually of the opinion "does it matter?". Does a child need father like love from a stepfather? I say this as someone who had many step parents as my parents split when I was 1 and both remarried several times

You have put it perfectly there’s no point trying to force something that just isn’t the same and there’s nothing wrong with something being different.
EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 00:03

Also OH doesn’t think DC meets his ‘standards’. I feel like he looks down on DC. I’m quite a laidback mum,
No you're a lovely DM we left shouting and smacking in the 80's. As far the takeaway I bet he eats it with every other meal you make.
Tell him to fuck off? Is he violent? Don't waste time we'll support you he isn't treating you well. If he is violent make a getaway plan.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 19/04/2021 00:04

@pallisers I never want to teach DC to endure a bad relationship or to feel stuck. I want DC to be independent, a free spirit, careless in a good way. I guess I have some big decisions to make

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2021 00:04

You are good enough. Both of you. He’s not.

As he moved in with you he can move back out again. Why would he want to stay with someone he apparently doesn’t respect and a child he thinks isn’t up to his standards (based on what, one wonders, not that it matters)? He can’t be surprised when you tell him it’s over and he needs to pack his stuff up and move out.

He has no right at all to be so shitty to either of you and now you’ve realised what’s going on you’ll find it easier to make the break and get your home back.

Namechange1067949 · 19/04/2021 00:05

I grew up with a step parent like your DH
They married my parent when I was around 4 or 5
It was always clear I was just a necessary add on when marrying my parent
Minimal hostility, just general disinterest and preference for me to not speak or interact with them

I found it very damaging

I could never be with someone who didn’t love my DC
They don’t need to love them as their own
But they need to love them.
I couldn’t imagine living in a house with a young Child and not having some love and affection for them and wonder what kind of person can?!

Different if they met when DC were 17 and about to move it but that’s not the case here

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 00:05

there’s no point trying to force something that just isn’t the same and there’s nothing wrong with something being different.
Step parent should at least be friendly at a minimum.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 00:06

Remember he won't change so don't give him another chance he has had years.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 19/04/2021 00:07

@EmeraldShamrock He’s one of those people who has something to say about everything. Looks down on people. It’s just a put off tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 19/04/2021 00:08

Yea that’s all I’m looking for. The keyword being friendly but OH wants to go hard or go home

OP posts:
HarrietHardy · 19/04/2021 00:08

God, he sounds like my ExH, currently making miserable his latest OH and her little boy.

Has he got older children, Exes? What do you really know about him?

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 00:10

I hate that type they're mentally draining, a fun sponge and a know it all too.
Stretch out, breath deep it will help it sounds like you've been wound up a long time. I'm glad you posted. ☺

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 19/04/2021 00:16

@AnneLovesGilbert - he doesn’t like how laidback and chilled out I am with DC. For example:
DC should do this more or that more instead of watching TV
DC watches “brain dead” stuff on YouTube (gamers etc)
It’s like DC isn’t a child but his little project and so I had to tell OH to simply fuck off because it was suffocating to hear. DC goes to school and after school as far as I’m concerned DC can do what they like as long as it’s appropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 19/04/2021 00:17

@EmeraldShamrock I’m glad I posted too and I’m glad you and everyone else are giving me the time of day. Sometimes you know something isn’t right but when everyone feels it too it just gives you that affirmation you so badly needed

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 00:19

It's harder to see a situation when you live it daily, changing it is key.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 19/04/2021 00:20

@Namechange1067949 what you said is familiar, if me and OH are having a conversation and DC tries to get involved he shuts DC down or won’t even acknowledge what DC is saying

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 19/04/2021 00:20

I love my DSD the same as my own DC, but I’ve known her since she was 2 and she’s lived with us full time for the past 7 years. I don’t think that’s realistic for every stepfamily, but I think a friendly relationship is important.

Have you made it clear to your OH how much this means to you? Would he agree to some kind of low-pressure bonding activities, e.g. a trip out for ice cream or a movie night at home? If he won’t even try, I’d seriously think about ending it.

WhipperSnapperSteve · 19/04/2021 00:22

I entered DSS (now DS) just before his second birthday, we have another child together. I don't know if it's because I entered his life at such a young age but I genuinely couldn't love him more if I'd biologically fathered him, it's the same love as DD, he's now 25.

paralysedbyinertia · 19/04/2021 00:26

I think it's possible to love someone else's biological children like your own. Adoptive parents are the obvious example, but I'm sure this sometimes happens with step-parents too, especially when they have been in the children's lives from a very early age. One of my closest friends never knew her actual father because he died before she was born. To all intents and purposes, her late stepdad very much was her dad, and the love between them was every bit as strong as it would have been between a biological father and daughter.

However, I don't think you can expect that type of relationship, it's just a happy coincidence when it happens. It's very different for adoptive parents who have actively made a choice to have their children in their lives and to be their parents. For most step-parents, the children just come as part of the package, and they haven't chosen the relationship in the same way.

If I'm totally honest, I don't think I could really love a step-child in anything like the way I love my own dc. That's just how I feel personally, and I would therefore avoid being in a relationship with someone who had children (unless grown up).

I think it's reasonable to expect kindness, patience and civility from a step-parent. That should be the bare minimum. And ideally, it would be lovely if they could make an effort to build a positive relationship. However, I don't think you can demand love on either side. It will either happen or it won't, but you can't force it.

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 19/04/2021 00:27

My husband adores my daughter's but we married when they were 3 years old so they were very young. Now they are almost 7 and they say they have 2 dad's and see him as a father. It's lovely the bond they have. He has always put them first and even wanted us to delay TTC so that we fully concentrate on them first which is admirable as I don't think most men would think that way. He is very hands on with their education and his family see my children as their own too. I think I got lucky!

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 00:29

There is partners who can, your partner isn't one of them.

MadMadMadamMim · 19/04/2021 00:36

Yes. My DH adores my children from my first marriage and considers them his own.

He's brought them up from a young age. He loves them equally as much as the children we have together. (In fact, I suspect he prefers DSD to our tricky teenage son, but he denies having favourites).

We've been lucky.

Maskedrevenger · 19/04/2021 00:42

I think your question should have been can someone live in a house with a child who isn’t their own and treat them with kindness and respect, find some common ground with them maybe sharing an activity, be interested in them asking about school and friends etc without necessarily loving them? The answer to that would be a resounding YES.
Tbh for your later posts it sounds like your OH doesn’t even treat you with kindness and respect, your son is stuck in this situation which is why he is withdrawing he can’t change things only you can. Please think seriously about asking your OH to leave your son needs you to put him first.

MrsPsmalls · 19/04/2021 00:46

Yup it's definitely possible and I am certain I love adopted ds as much as any other good parent.

MostExcellentHoneychurch · 19/04/2021 01:04

For what it's worth, my mother married someone like your OH. We never bonded, he was just too different to me.

I left home as soon as I could and never felt as close to my Mum, because she chose him over us.

Due to my experience with a stepfather I have vowed to myself never to do it to my own children. I will have insanely high standards for a man and how he relates to my children if I'm ever in that situation.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/04/2021 01:12

NO. YOU CAN'T.
But, if you adopt a child it isn't "someone else's kid", it is YOUR kid and you can and should love it to the moon and back.
If you marry a person with children, they become YOUR stepchildren. So you should step up - love them and defend them, financially support them and be an example for them just as if they were your own.

Oddly, on Mumsnet, most people say stepparents should "Step back out of the way" and only let the biological parent make decisions, discipline, deal with ex-spouse, pay child expenses, etc.

I don't know if this is a generational difference or a USA vs British difference but it saddens me that a stepfather could love his wife and ignore her children and she would encourage that choice.