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Original poster

If you were looking for a new partner tomorrow how many children/mother’s would be your limit?

202 replies

UseMyName · 08/04/2021 22:58

Mine would be max 2 children from 1 mother.

Would not be able to deal with more than 1 ex and set of childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
AlohaMolly · 08/04/2021 23:57

I can say how is feel - I really dislike men. My father/childhood was emotionally abusive but I dreamed of a husband and a family. My first proper relationship was abusive, physically and emotionally. I got out after 8/9 years at 27. Swept off my feet by current DP and had DS, but DP is not the man he proposed to be and, while we cohabit fine and I do love him, I would never put myself in a position where I’m emotionally vulnerable to a man again. I also don’t want to put DS in the position where he has a stepfather.

Obviously it’s my personal feelings, but the experiences of both my close male relationships and the hundreds of interactions with men I don’t know, from the age of 12, harassment, rape, assault... all of that means I don’t like men, don’t trust men. If I ever did split with DP, I don’t want another man full stop but it’s more about them being men than them having exes or children.

WeWereOnABreak10 · 08/04/2021 23:58

None.

DoTheRightThing11 · 08/04/2021 23:59

@Sstrongtn

God this makes me sad, because I assume the answer is the same way the other way around.

I have 3 children, 6 and up. So by this logic (and I’ve been told in real life), I can write off anyone caring about me and any emotional attachment. That’s just awful.

Don't let others make you feel that way. I had 3 between ages 4 and 9 (including one with disabilities) when I met someone I was in a long term relationship with for 7 years. It didn't work out but we are still very good friends. A decent person will care about your children as well as you so don't worry!
DoTheRightThing11 · 09/04/2021 00:00

@AlohaMolly

I can say how is feel - I really dislike men. My father/childhood was emotionally abusive but I dreamed of a husband and a family. My first proper relationship was abusive, physically and emotionally. I got out after 8/9 years at 27. Swept off my feet by current DP and had DS, but DP is not the man he proposed to be and, while we cohabit fine and I do love him, I would never put myself in a position where I’m emotionally vulnerable to a man again. I also don’t want to put DS in the position where he has a stepfather.

Obviously it’s my personal feelings, but the experiences of both my close male relationships and the hundreds of interactions with men I don’t know, from the age of 12, harassment, rape, assault... all of that means I don’t like men, don’t trust men. If I ever did split with DP, I don’t want another man full stop but it’s more about them being men than them having exes or children.

I'm so sorry to read this. Have you ever spoke to someone professionally? x
EasterBunny21 · 09/04/2021 00:01

@DoTheRightThing11 hopefully you’re not implying that someone unwilling to take on someone with children isn’t a decent person? It’s just a personal choice and a complication many people would prefer to avoid.

We’ve all seen enough threads in Step Parents on here to see it’s quite often very difficult for all parties involved.

AlohaMolly · 09/04/2021 00:03

@DoTheRightThing11 regularly Grin

WeekendCEO · 09/04/2021 00:04

Zero. Blended families are rarely happy in my experience. It messes the kids up. No one would ever compare to my partner anyway, so I wouldn’t even bother trying actually. And I wouldn’t let another man around my kids. I hate reading about people introducing new partners to their kids after a few months, they’re basically a stranger to your kids sleeping on the next room.

EasterBunny21 · 09/04/2021 00:05

@WeekendCEO wish I could like your post.

DoTheRightThing11 · 09/04/2021 00:06

@EasterBunny21 I can see how that looked. I also think decent people are those who don't get into a relationship with someone knowing they have children and wouldn't be able to accept that - worded wrongly so I apologise. I just mean that there are good people (not exclusively) that will have no problem with children so the pp shouldn't worry just because she already has 3.

EasterBunny21 · 09/04/2021 00:08

No need to apologise. I definitely see what you mean now Smile

User5747384 · 09/04/2021 00:08

"God this makes me sad, because I assume the answer is the same way the other way around.
I have 3 children, 6 and up. So by this logic (and I’ve been told in real life), I can write off anyone caring about me and any emotional attachment. That’s just awful."

I had two children when I met DH and I actually found when dating after my break up with kids that time round that the men were much better than I had dated previously.
I didn't want a man with kids but DH grew on me.

It definitely doesn't mean people will write you off.
I put 0 myself which makes me a total hypocrite as I have multiple kids myself.

Happymum12345 · 09/04/2021 00:09

It would really depend on the reason why he wasn’t with their mum. If he had cheated & separated/divorced then I wouldn’t want to know. If there was another reason, I don’t think I would really mind how many children, but from only one mum. I guess it’s asking a lot of people to be honest about why they’re single with children!

Blacktothepink · 09/04/2021 00:10

Zero! Never, ever!

Kanaloa · 09/04/2021 00:12

None. I feel quite bad saying that because DH has become a stepdad to my two oldest children and it means everything to us but I just couldn’t, especially because it would mean blending step kids and my kids. Maybe if I didn’t have children I would feel different about it.

Boringlynormal · 09/04/2021 00:26

Zero. Blended families are rarely happy in my experience. It messes the kids up. No one would ever compare to my partner anyway, so I wouldn’t even bother trying actually. And I wouldn’t let another man around my kids. I hate reading about people introducing new partners to their kids after a few months, they’re basically a stranger to your kids sleeping on the next room.

@WeekendCEO I agree with every word of this.

Blended families do not work.

ButtonMoony · 09/04/2021 00:29

What a depressing thread!

DH has two kids from a previous relationship. One who he hasnt seen or heard from for over two years and an older one who comes here twice a week.

The eldest wants to live here but the ex has done everything in her power to keep contact to a minimum. She has also poisoned the youngest.

He is a brilliant dad as I get see him with his child all the time. It just turns out his ex wife is a nutter.

It is impossible to judge someone as a partner on if they have kids or see them. That applies to mums and dads.

TheChosenTwo · 09/04/2021 00:31

I’d like to think I’d be open to really. My parents have both remarried and divorced several times (issues!), I have a series of step siblings I’m still in contact with. It’s really bloody hard when parents split obviously but one of the really difficult things is that siblings who have forged a relationship together through no choice of their own at awkward stages of their life then have those siblings removed from them also through no choice at a time in their lives where everything else is up in the air.
That probably didn’t make any sense but it does in my head Grin
I wanted to remain in contact with some of my step siblings but one in particular, when I was 10, was whipped out of my life 3 years after she was whipped in and it was just gutting.
I wish parents would treat carefully before casually throwing their kids all together.
I know some do, don’t get me wrong, but in my experience and from seeing some other friends entering and leaving relationships I do think some people are way too quick to move forwards.
Some of my favourite people in life are my step siblings. I don’t see their biological parents anymore!

Dazedandconfused10 · 09/04/2021 00:32

0 but then I don't want kids let alone someone else's

Extremelyilluminated · 09/04/2021 00:34

@ButtonMoony why do you think he’s such a brilliant dad when he doesn’t see one of his kids?
I couldn’t see this situation as anything but a big massive red flag (that and the ‘nutter’ ex wife).
Do you have kids of your own?

ButtonMoony · 09/04/2021 00:38

[quote Extremelyilluminated]@ButtonMoony why do you think he’s such a brilliant dad when he doesn’t see one of his kids?
I couldn’t see this situation as anything but a big massive red flag (that and the ‘nutter’ ex wife).
Do you have kids of your own?[/quote]
Yes I have kids of my own.

He is a brilliant dad to them and his own kids. We also have one together, I have seen him parent children from birth to late teens and he is a brilliant Dad.

Your immediate assumption of red flags is alarming!

Some women are horrible vile creatures in the same way that some men are.

FredAstairesShoeLaces · 09/04/2021 00:45

0, bit I don’t have children and don’t want them on my life.

For those with kids who also said 0 but would like a relationship, do you not think that’s quite hypocritical? Presumably you’d want a man that you formed a long term, committed, relationship with to accept your children, and possibly live with them.

PADH · 09/04/2021 01:02

@Boringlynormal

Zero. Blended families are rarely happy in my experience. It messes the kids up. No one would ever compare to my partner anyway, so I wouldn’t even bother trying actually. And I wouldn’t let another man around my kids. I hate reading about people introducing new partners to their kids after a few months, they’re basically a stranger to your kids sleeping on the next room.

@WeekendCEO I agree with every word of this.

Blended families do not work.

Blended families very much CAN work if adults can get their shit together.

What an awful sweeping generalisation.

MammaMiaWallace · 09/04/2021 01:02

...

Piptastic · 09/04/2021 01:10

0!!! Been there, done that and once was enough.

If the child is young then what happens at Christmas, for example, when the ex doesn't want to be without their son/daughter for the day. That's right, you end up spending a proportion of the day alone. Or in hindsight you should have just made other plans and spent it with your own friends or family. Never again. Lol! It really was shit!

PurpleBiro21 · 09/04/2021 02:17

I have a child and if DH and I split I don’t think I would ever attempt to blend a family, have you ever read the step parents threads?

No way am I risking my child’s well being or my own with resentments and battles over money, attention, wills, too little/much contact, rooms, holidays, treats, chores, etc. No battle is too small over there.

I know not all step families are unhappy but most of those I see are full of petty slights and tensions.

I know talk is cheap but DH has also said the same, he wouldn’t want to take resources, attention and time away from our DC.

If available, I’d take a lover Grin

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