Am I being overly sensitive or is my colleague being rude?

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At work I work in a close knit team of around 10 people, we are all in our 20s and get on well. The newest team member has initially been shadowing me up until now. I have noticed the dynamic between us shift as she gains confidence. I feel like she is starting to be critical and rude about me in front of others but I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive? They are small things but I think the comments are rude to say in front of the entire team.

Three examples from today are:

• I mentioned to our team an email we had all been sent that I had read at home before coming in and she replied "why do you check your emails at home?" and I replied that I have my work email synced to my laptop and I just like to check my inbox n case anything important is sent and she replied "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..."
• Another example is we were having a group conversation when a colleague came up to me to ask me a question and after I answered and resumed the group conversation. It turns out that I had missed that everyone was giving jokey answers to a question so when I was then asked I answered it seriously not realising everyone had started joking around. Everyone else politely just carried on but she said in front of everyone after my answer “I thought we were all giving funny reasons...” This is such a pathetic and juvenile example I feel embarrassed even writing it down as it sounds more like playground antics but there you go.
• Towards the end of the work day I referred to something that happened in the morning as "before lunch" and she said "why do you say 'before lunch'? why not just 'this morning'?"

To me it feels rude as I would never say these things to another person, especially not in front of others. They are also such small things that I would usually overlook but when it's happening often it starts to feel overly critical. However, I am quite a sensitive and quiet person who never wants to offend others so I fully accept I may be being overly sensitive so would love your honest opinions on these examples.

Thank you

On the face of it that does sound rude and I’d be fed up with it. How are they socially with everyone else in your team? I’m just wondering if it’s possible they have some social difficulties and are a bit too literal IYKWIM?

If it’s rudeness and not something more then I think the next time they ask “why don’t you...” I would respond with “why do you need to know?” And put the onus back on them.

1. Maybe she thinks she will be expected to do this on her own time?
2. Ignore it or just an ' I wasn't aware' & carry on....
3. A bit irritating...your communication perfectly adequately indicates the time as being anyytme up to 1pm (assuning of course lunch is at 1pm) ..as does hers if between 9am-12 noon!

She sounds a bit cocky... give a bit of pushback...or get released ftom her shadowing..

She sounds like she is being rude although more than likely she is being thoughtless in how it may impact you. She sounds young and probably trying to fit in or impress people which is stressful even if self imposed.

When I get in these situations I break it down. I can't remember where I got this from but I have it jotted down in a notebook to go through and I find it helpful.

There are two types of real criticism. The first comes from a place of unkindness and should be automatically dismissed. It has no bearing on you in reality. Their opinion is not relevant.

The second type of real criticism comes from a place of kindness. It will be delivered gently and with care. However you still have a choice whether to accept it or not as right.

There is a third sneaky criticism which is perceived criticism. It's not actually been said and may be entirely in your own head and therefore says more about how you feel about yourself than what the other person thinks or says. I this case be kind to yourself, figure out how to feel better about yourself etc.

There is the bottom line that she may just be being a dick and it will be less stressful if you just ignore it if you can. Sounds like her behaviour should be her problem, not yours.

She's rude.

I'm much older than you and would respond to much of what she's said with Goodness!, said mildly and with a raised eyebrow. Alternatively, with a hard stare, before ignoring and carrying on with what I was saying.

Yes, she’s being rude. It’s not in your head. There’s absolutely zero need to make any of those comments.

As I tend to think, it’s often what you don’t say, that oils the wheels of social cohesion.

She should not have said any of those things. There was no need, and they’re clearly all small digs.

I would be going full PA on her ass - a bemused laugh and slightly confused face when she comes out with such comments, as if she really, really doesn’t get it. And then not deign to engage on the matter any further.

She will soon get bored. Remember - your reaction is currently spurring her on. Take the wind out of her sails, and make her feel a bit silly, to boot.

Ok, arguably she may be not wanting to be expected to check emails at home.
In the second example, she may have been clarifying. The third example seems a bit pedantic.

However she'll rub people up the wrong way if she is too blunt, which in a small team is pretty important.

Yeah she's being rude. She's nit-picking and like pp said trying to fit in with everyone. So because she probably lacks personality, she feels the need to belittle someone to try and be funny and be the 'outspoken ' one.

Is she trying to get in with the "cool kids" by belittling you in front of them? Now she has gained some confidence from your support and training she's trying to establish herself in the pack? Not a mature way to go about it but reminds me of the new kid in school from high school days!

She sounds like a very young and new person to a professional workplace. And not very bright. I don't think she realises how she is coming across,
And if she continues, someone needs to have a word - more 'listen and learn' required.

It sounds more like she is lacking social skills to me. Irritating but not really rude.

Each time she does it, I'd be tempted to say 'because that is my preference' and change the subject. Close the conversation down and move on.

I often see these days that kindness gets taken as weakness to some people. Pull back and distance yourself. Sounds like she could be a potential bully.

Ah perfect opportunity for the mumsnet patented ‘excuse me, did you mean to be so rude?’ next time she does something like this. She won’t do it again.

Not rude at all I think your reading too much into it.

She sounds awful. I assume if she's shadowing you, you are in a position to give some kind of feedback to her, so if this continues with more examples, I would raise it with her.
1 and 2 are grey, they're both ok things to say but there's a way to phrase them much better which she didn't do. But 3 is just nuts, she's going to annoy you and everyone else in the team if that's how she behaves. If she's new, this is your chance to figure out if she's going to be a good fit or not so I'd do or say something if this continues.

I work with someone like this. Always has to put others down with comments like these, has to “big herself up” all the time. Last time she said something I laughed out loud at her and she shut up. Ugh I hate people

I would give her the death stare and ask her why she thinks it is her place to question your choice of vocabulary.

Cheeky cow!

If she's new I'd be making management aware of how she's making you feel. Have others in the team mentioned anything? It may be a bit confrontational but taking her into a meeting room and questioning her on her behaviour and making it clear you don't appreciate being criticised constantly over silly things that don't involve her. Sometimes these things are best fought fire with fire, especially if someone is more confident than the other.

Situations like these can be very difficult as each individual issue seems so small and insignificant, it can be easy to dismiss them as a misunderstanding or her misspeaking. The real issue is that, over and over again, she’s taking opportunities to covertly put you down.

I’m assuming that her behaviour is aimed solely at you. I’d guess it’s because she’s realised that you’re unlikely to call her on her behaviour so she’s safe to put you down to lift herself up. She’s using you to try and make herself look better to her coworkers.

She sounds rude, but can also be that’s she’s not aware of it, maybe as you get to know her you’ll see if she’s being intentionally rude or not.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t explain myself to her. What does she care if you check your emails at home or not.

My friend does this. Took me a while to find out that she is mildly autistic.

I think every time she did a "why..." I'd just shut her down with "because that is my preference" and not clarifying. Her questions are pointless and she will soon get bored.

She sounds like an irritating child I know - always asking pointless questions. You might expect it in a six year old, but not someone in their 20s.
I wouldn’t call it rude, just irritating. Like a pp, I also wondered about mild autism. The last comment she made correcting before lunch/morning is extremely literal.

She sounds extremely immature.

She's trying completely the wrong way to try and establish herself as a member of the team.

My sister is a bit like this and I can give some advice based on having to live with it 24/7 for years.

And that is when she says things like why do you do that? Why do you say that? I thought we were all doing that? Blah blah .....

Reply:

"Does it matter?"
"Why do you care what I say?"
"Why do you care what I do?"

And if and when you have confidence and the above doesn't send her a message

with gushing tones and a big smile (but away from others)

"Gosh I'm so flattered you spend so much time thinking about what I do and say. It's so great to be so popular and I'm feeling so confident as the whole team has noticed how much you hang off my every word. They're so jealous of how much attention you pay me".

Like I said that has to be and must be away from others so you don't come across as a twat or weirdo. And it's very unlikely she'll go back and start asking the team if they really think that about you

@Pinchoftums

My friend does this. Took me a while to find out that she is mildly autistic.

Someone autistic would ask the same questions of everyone because they don't understand what people in general are doing.

They wouldn't single one person out.

My son is autistic.

I'd say "Oh dear, I'm sure you don't mean to but you're coming over as a bit obsessed with me.". Benevolent smile then change the subject.