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Original poster

Am I being overly sensitive or is my colleague being rude?

195 replies

hgfghgtfbg · 08/04/2021 01:19

At work I work in a close knit team of around 10 people, we are all in our 20s and get on well. The newest team member has initially been shadowing me up until now. I have noticed the dynamic between us shift as she gains confidence. I feel like she is starting to be critical and rude about me in front of others but I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive? They are small things but I think the comments are rude to say in front of the entire team.

Three examples from today are:

  • I mentioned to our team an email we had all been sent that I had read at home before coming in and she replied "why do you check your emails at home?" and I replied that I have my work email synced to my laptop and I just like to check my inbox n case anything important is sent and she replied "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..."
  • Another example is we were having a group conversation when a colleague came up to me to ask me a question and after I answered and resumed the group conversation. It turns out that I had missed that everyone was giving jokey answers to a question so when I was then asked I answered it seriously not realising everyone had started joking around. Everyone else politely just carried on but she said in front of everyone after my answer “I thought we were all giving funny reasons...” This is such a pathetic and juvenile example I feel embarrassed even writing it down as it sounds more like playground antics but there you go.
  • Towards the end of the work day I referred to something that happened in the morning as "before lunch" and she said "why do you say 'before lunch'? why not just 'this morning'?" Confused

To me it feels rude as I would never say these things to another person, especially not in front of others. They are also such small things that I would usually overlook but when it's happening often it starts to feel overly critical. However, I am quite a sensitive and quiet person who never wants to offend others so I fully accept I may be being overly sensitive so would love your honest opinions on these examples.

Thank you

OP posts:
Thekidsarefightingagain · 08/04/2021 11:08

She sounds like she may have ASD from the questions she's asked you. She probably feels comfortable enough with you to ask these questions but isn't aware of how they might be perceived.

peak2021 · 08/04/2021 11:09

The first one is reasonable, can understand why you might be offended by the other two.

Stratfordplace · 08/04/2021 11:09

She knows perfectly well what she’s doing and wishes to advance and be noticed.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 08/04/2021 11:17

This would annoy me too. In the past I'd have dithered and worried about how to get her to stop without causing any offense. Now, though, I'd reply to the next smartarse comment by saying firmly but not rudely, 'could you please not keep picking me up on things like that? It's quite rude and annoying.' if she protested her innocence I would insist equally firmly that you've noticed it quite a few times, and it comes across as rude and unhelpful.

VettiyaIruken · 08/04/2021 11:21

Have some replies ready.
Because I prefer to.
Why do you ask?
Does it matter?
Be a dull world if we all did things the same way
It doesn't really matter does it?
Etc
Re the jokey thing, fair enough, I didn't realise.

Pinchoftums · 08/04/2021 11:22

Just coming to defend my suggestion of autism is because she completely reminds me of how a friend of mine speaks.
My eldest son and my sister are both autistic and neither of them are like this so I wasn't tarring all people who are autistic with the same brush. However the very literal way in which she speaks can be a trait found in autistic people.
My friend was only diagnosed in her 40s and had spent years upsetting people and never really understanding what she was doing wrong through counselling and and advice she can help understand herself a lot more and has lifted her confidence a lot.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/04/2021 11:23

Are you sure it’s just happening to you OP? Or you’ve only noticed it as it is happening to you?

I would just observe if she does it to others too. Then you will know if it’s just the way she is or not.

CrazyCatMamma · 08/04/2021 11:31

Micro aggressions - death by 1000 paper cuts.
Nip it in the bud before it really gets to you any more.
I wouldn't play games or be PA. Cup of coffee chat - ask her if she's aware she's doing it and ask her to stop.
If she doesn't, call her out and escalate.

I pissed around too long with someone like this and ended up leaving a job I loved. Wouldn'tlet anyone away with it again.

Honeyroar · 08/04/2021 11:32

I would ask one or two other people whether they’ve noticed X being a little blunt/strange in things she asks. If they have I might mention to the new girl that she needs to think a little more about her comments. If they haven’t I might reply to the girl that you don’t understand why she’s so bothered about what you say/do and to concentrate on her own work. If she gets any worse I’d pull her aside and tell her she’s getting really annoying and will end up digging herself a hole if she’s like this so soon into a new job.

Billandben444 · 08/04/2021 11:33

Next time she oversteps the mark, I would give her the cold stare that my mum used to shoot at us and then turn to the rest of the group and carry on as though she hadn't spoken. Afterwards, I'd say in front of the team 'could I have a word please' and remove her from her audience. I'd say 'some of your comments to me have been disrespectful and in future I want you to think about how you come across. I've let it go until now but I don't want any future lapses. Feel free to ask for a quiet chat if there's anything you're not sure about'.
Be uber professional but firm. Document your chat and, if you decide it's necessary, send her a copy in an email 'just to confirm in writing our conversation this morning'.
You may all be in the same team but while you're mentoring her you are her senior.
She's trying to isolate you (perhaps she doesn't take instruction well and resents you?) so you need to nip it in the bud.

SweetAsANutt · 08/04/2021 11:45

She's rude and highly irritating.

I'd answer with short, blunt answers.
I certainly wouldn't explain myself.

She sounds immature. Is this her first job?

Original poster
hgfghgtfbg · 08/04/2021 14:05

Wow thank you all for the replies. I was worried the examples wouldn't translate well as they are all small and insignificant on their own. I also think it's the tone she uses that makes me find them rude and dismissive of me. For example with the email example it was "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..." with a face expression like Confused and Hmm. It is definitely only targeted towards me, she has been acting very friendly with our other colleagues. I am quite quiet and reserved whereas she is more confident so I think I am an easy target to isolate away from others.

I get so surprised being asked to justify things I say or do that I end up being flustered and just deferring to her opinion for an easy life rather than start an argument as I realise she will not back down and it will end up coming across as unprofessional to bicker with her. For example, earlier at around 11:30am I mentioned I wanted to take my lunch break at around 2pm if that was ok with her and did she want to go for her lunch before or after me? She replied asking why don't I just go now (at 11:30am?) and I said I didn't want to go now, then said why? and I said I'm not hungry yet and it's still pretty early. I gave her every option available - take lunch before me, after me or even take it at 2pm and I'll accommodate and work around her preference but she still wouldn't accept any of those until she went "fine, I'll have to go for my lunch now I guess" as if I had forced her to go for lunch at 11:30am... It's exhausting and I start feeling bad that maybe I had forced her to have lunch when she didn't want it but I literally gave her every option available. I find it embarrassing when my colleagues are nearby as it sounds like we are bickering over the most stupid, pedantic things. I am not confrontational or argumentative at all but I do feel like everything I do or say is scrutinised. Every time I justify or explain myself she will hit back with a comment and I have to justify myself again or just give up and let her do what she thinks is right. I'm going to take your advice and just be more blunt in future.

OP posts:
Stratfordplace · 08/04/2021 14:13

Like the previous poster said this is death by a thousand paper cuts! You don’t need to be aggressive just assertive. Re lunch you should have just told her you are taking your lunch at 2 pm. Don’t give her an option to question you and strop off. Call her on her behaviour.

SnowAllSpring · 08/04/2021 14:18

If I were shadowing someone at a new job and they mentioned publicly that they check their emails at home, I would feel like I was then expected to do the same.

Original poster
hgfghgtfbg · 08/04/2021 14:21

Also for context we are the same age and have the same job role, she's just shadowing me whilst she's learning the ropes so I am not senior to her. It's also not her first job.

I'm pretty sure she is not autistic. Her bluntness does not come from having specific preferences or taking things literally but as a way of insinuating I'm doing or saying something wrong. I have a few autistic relatives and they are not blunt and rude like her.

This morning's example of what I do wrong: drive an automatic car. My colleagues and I were chatting and one was saying how they find driving stressful and I mentioned so did I so I bought an automatic car and find it a lot easier and my colleague replied "that's stupid. I think people should drive a manual car until they feel comfortable and only then get an automatic car. Automatic cars are lazy and not proper driving".

I'm confident that it won't be long until my colleagues pick up on it as one or two of these situations you can brush off but when it's happening multiple times a day it becomes a pretty clear pattern.

OP posts:
GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 08/04/2021 14:22

I find it embarrassing when my colleagues are nearby as it sounds like we are bickering over the most stupid, pedantic things.
Ugh! Yes, I'd feel the same as you. I think the key here is to refuse to get drawn in and to adopt a very final tone. So instead of getting drawn into a petty to-and-fro over lunch times, you could firmly cut off the nonsense with "right, I've given you the options, let me know when you've decided." She's trying to make you appear to be out of the loop, obsolete, a bit old-fashioned and inflexible. Nip it in the bud!

Original poster
hgfghgtfbg · 08/04/2021 14:23

@SnowAllSpring

If I were shadowing someone at a new job and they mentioned publicly that they check their emails at home, I would feel like I was then expected to do the same.
She knows it's not a requirement to check emails, she was insinuating that I was sad/pathetic for spending all of two minutes (!) of my time checking my emails at home on my time off.
OP posts:
namechangemarch21 · 08/04/2021 14:28

If you're not senior to her, do you share a line manager? I would honestly flag this NOW. Do it carefully, and informally, and phrase it as: I wanted your advice as X has been quite abrupt and dismissive and has said a few odd things on occasion and I'm not sure how best to approach it. The example about lunch times is just being obstructive, the comments about you not being able to drive etc are fine on their own but absolutely could be an issue. It sounds like she's frequently making cutting and dismissive comments to you which could head towards bullying.

I think you need a strategy, and possibly to request that someone else takes over the shadowing and that your manager be more hands on

I had someone like that in a workplace who was ultimately let go. I managed them, and initially thought it might be a personality clash/me being a relatively new manager, but in all honesty she just had no empathy or ability to see things from another perspective and every interaction was don't to get what she wanted. It was bizarre. And I should have put firm boundaries in from the start instead of thinking she really didn't understand things, or was clarifying, or was enthusiastic. In reality she knew exactly what she was doing and I'd wager so does this woman.

TinyTear · 08/04/2021 14:32

goodness this is painful, this lunch example you should have just said "I am going at 2pm. you go whenever you want"

definitely comment about this to her line manager / your line manager

JennysWell · 08/04/2021 14:33

You should point out that many luxury cars are only available with automatic gear boxes, so her opinion isn't shared by millionaires

TinyTear · 08/04/2021 14:36

@JennysWell

You should point out that many luxury cars are only available with automatic gear boxes, so her opinion isn't shared by millionaires
yep, electric cars are usually automatic as well
SuperintendentHastings · 08/04/2021 14:40

Oh I had someone like this start with me. It got to the point where other people started noticing that she had a smart arse remark for just about everything I said. I pulled her up on it every single time and she stopped. I'm not confrontational at all but I'm not a mug either.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/04/2021 14:42

I’m not sure why you pushed for a time to be set for a lunch right there and then especially as it seems she can have it at the same time.

It might be just that you rub each other up the wrong way.

There might be things you are saying that irritate her so she reacts.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/04/2021 14:44

@itsgettingwierd

She sounds extremely immature.

She's trying completely the wrong way to try and establish herself as a member of the team.

My sister is a bit like this and I can give some advice based on having to live with it 24/7 for years.

And that is when she says things like why do you do that? Why do you say that? I thought we were all doing that? Blah blah .....

Reply:

"Does it matter?"
"Why do you care what I say?"
"Why do you care what I do?"

And if and when you have confidence and the above doesn't send her a message

with gushing tones and a big smile (but away from others)

"Gosh I'm so flattered you spend so much time thinking about what I do and say. It's so great to be so popular and I'm feeling so confident as the whole team has noticed how much you hang off my every word. They're so jealous of how much attention you pay me".

Like I said that has to be and must be away from others so you don't come across as a twat or weirdo. And it's very unlikely she'll go back and start asking the team if they really think that about you Wink

In a million years, don't take this advice. It's incredibly inappropriate in a workplace.
sillysmiles · 08/04/2021 14:46

She may be a bit off, but you need to stand up for yourself. Being assertive is not bickering or having an argument. Time to put your big girl pants on.

though I agree with her re email checking at home.