Am I being overly sensitive or is my colleague being rude?

[hgfghgtfbg]

At work I work in a close knit team of around 10 people, we are all in our 20s and get on well. The newest team member has initially been shadowing me up until now. I have noticed the dynamic between us shift as she gains confidence. I feel like she is starting to be critical and rude about me in front of others but I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive? They are small things but I think the comments are rude to say in front of the entire team.

Three examples from today are:

• I mentioned to our team an email we had all been sent that I had read at home before coming in and she replied "why do you check your emails at home?" and I replied that I have my work email synced to my laptop and I just like to check my inbox n case anything important is sent and she replied "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..."
• Another example is we were having a group conversation when a colleague came up to me to ask me a question and after I answered and resumed the group conversation. It turns out that I had missed that everyone was giving jokey answers to a question so when I was then asked I answered it seriously not realising everyone had started joking around. Everyone else politely just carried on but she said in front of everyone after my answer “I thought we were all giving funny reasons...” This is such a pathetic and juvenile example I feel embarrassed even writing it down as it sounds more like playground antics but there you go.
• Towards the end of the work day I referred to something that happened in the morning as "before lunch" and she said "why do you say 'before lunch'? why not just 'this morning'?"

To me it feels rude as I would never say these things to another person, especially not in front of others. They are also such small things that I would usually overlook but when it's happening often it starts to feel overly critical. However, I am quite a sensitive and quiet person who never wants to offend others so I fully accept I may be being overly sensitive so would love your honest opinions on these examples.

Thank you

@LittleOverwhelmed

She sounds socially unaware, to be honest: perhaps a little on the spectrum or just socially not with it. I wouldn’t take it personally. If I was another team member, in your team, I would internally raise an eyebrow at her comments. They don’t reflect badly in you.

I had a colleague, she freely admitted to being autistic and she did make some odd comments occasionally. She was chatting to me in the common room shortly after my mother had had a very traumatic accident. She was asking about it. I was answering honestly. My eyes were a bit “Misty”, but fine and she said “you aren’t going to cry are you?!”. Talk about blunt. I didn’t. She said a few things like that: nothing malicious, just not appropriate...

Take the high ground and ignore (if appropriate) or take with the most innocent intent possible...

Completely in contradiction to my earlier post. She's not socially unaware, she knows exactly what she is doing and is targeting the OP.

Taking the high ground and ignoring is the worst possible approach; it will gnaw away at you and sap your confidence and happiness. Please, OP, read my earlier post and take heed. From one who has been there before.

She sounds like a cocky rude prick

Actually I'd confront her and ask her if she's got a problem with you, sounds like she needs putting back in her box

@LittleOverwhelmed

No, I stick by it. Assuming the OP is professional, taking the high ground is the appropriate approach: her other colleagues will repeat her and not think a lot of the new person. If the OP reacts, then it ends up a bun fight with no obvious winner...

This never works (except in the favour of the bully).

Why do people still insist that ignoring the issue will somehow make it go away?

The only way is to confront the issue, armed with a copy of the work anti bullying/harassment policy and words with the line manager and HR. I wish I had mumsnet to turn to 15 years ago and had received this advice. It would have saved 2 years of misery, trampled confidence and lots of counselling outside work. But I took the usual crap advice, to "ignore" it.

Your mistake is to get drawn in when she won't let it go. You've given her your answer. If she continues to have a go at you, that's when she has overstepped and it's time for you to make it clear.
Here's a few options. Just repeat what you've already said word for word. Or sigh, eyeroll, and "Really?" Or, pleasantly, briskly, "well that's your opinion, we are all entitled to one". Then walk away. You do not have to answer every snidey comment, you do not have to justify your choices to her.
You really, really must stop trying to answer her every comment, you're just feeding the fire.

Have you tried ignoring or changing subject when she does it?

Her: Why do you check your emails at home? I don’t get it?
You: (turning away) Hey other colleague, that reminds me where is the xx contact number I need for xxx project?

Her: why do you want to go to lunch at 2?
You: I’ve made arrangements for 2 so that’s when I’m out. Turn away - By the way other colleague did you see that email from xxx about the xx.

As you can gather by now, I have very strong feelings on this issue with good reason.

Perhaps someone who has had direct experience of this situation, who advises to "take the high ground and ignore it", has actually seen this work for themselves?

Also the people who have the nerve to tell you to "ignore it" are doing it for a quiet life; they don't want the hassle, quite frankly, of having to get involved and do something about it. It's a convenient device to close down your valid concerns.

"I am quite a quiet and sensitive person who never wants to offend others"

• and she knows this and is exploiting this.

You need to meet fire with fire and be equally acerbic back, so that she realises that you have boundaries

In your automatic car example where she stated that automatic cars are stupid and their drivers are lazy, I would have replied bluntly "Don't talk bollocks" whilst shooting her a withering look - which in inelegant but effective

She sounds quite silly. Is she quite new to the type of environment?

@LittleOverwhelmed

Might depend on the environment the OP is in. In the environment I am in (professional), would either ignore it (see if it goes away) or escalate through line management or HR.

It just sounds like what a kid would say in the play ground. If it is malicious and she doesn’t get a reaction she will, she will give up. If she is on the spectrum and the OP reacts, it may be turned round against the OP.

If it really bothers the OP, then would talk to a line manager and do through official channels (avoid it being personal, purely professional). You want to avoid the “he said, she said” situation...

To avoid the he said, she said situation, that's why the OP needs to document / record every single incident as evidence.

It clearly does really bother the OP, isn't that obvious from her opening post?

And no way will the bully give up - they know they can needle her and get away with it and even worse, it will start to have an impact on the behaviour of the rest of the team towards the OP. They will start to see the OP as weak and also not want to be in her shoes, so they will start to go along with the bully. It would be a rare person who will stick their neck out for the OP. Trust me. I have been there.

There is the option to call out the bully but you need a shed load of confidence and verve to do that successfully, or you look to be an even "weaker" person if you don't pull this off. And chances are is OP was the sort of person to be comfortable to call the bully out then a) she would have done this by already so that b) it ceases to be an issue. But at this point her confidence has already been eroded so I personally would not recommend this approach.

Going through official channels is the only way forwards I'm afraid.

"There is the option to call out the bully but you need a shed load of confidence and verve to do that successfully, or you look to be an even "weaker" person if you don't pull this off. And chances are is OP was the sort of person to be comfortable to call the bully out then a) she would have done this by already so that b) it ceases to be an issue. But at this point her confidence has already been eroded so I personally would not recommend this approach."

To be fair, those are good points

@hgfghgtfbg judging by what you wrote, you are justifying your decisions to her rather than assertively shutting it down. Don't get drawn into bickering with her is what I mean. State what you need to and close the conversation or don't engage with her questioning.
What would happen if you didn't answer beyond what was needed?

How long is the shadowing going to last for?

Don't let your Manager rope you in to do any more afterwards.

Make it clear she might prefer working with X, Y or Z because you've noticed she's a bit blunt with you. Mention the car comment.

Then keep your head down. Any further crap straight to your Manager.

I've seen this before - a nice team that work really well together and then one person arrives and the whole atmosphere changes.
Don't speak about her to any of your colleagues. Stay very firm if she's rude again.

When she made the car comment for instance I would have laughed and said " Wow! Are you saying I'm stupid?? That's a bit rude."

You need to show you aren't a pushover. She isn't speaking to anyone else like this so she sees you as a softie.

Keep your distance from her as much as you can.

She sounds like a very literal person who is slightly socially inept.

Diarise everything. I’ve been in this position where a junior member of my team tried to undermine and belittle me constantly. I’d been at the company for 6 years...she was a new starter.

She was sly and devious. Making me look silly in front of colleagues. She was evil to me on a 1-1 basis. Told me she was going to have my job.

After 2 years of hell, I was signed off work...ended up being made redundant.

I went through all the right channels, but there was a massive cover up because they fucked up at every possible opportunity.

Don’t let it go on for too long...nip it in the bud ASAP.

Be strong and don’t stand for her bollocks!!

No I don't agree with the pp's saying she's socially inept, she knows exactly what she's doing. She has shown her hand very early on so that's good for you. You've had very good advice here so do take it on board. She needs to know that you're not a pushover, you might be quiet but you have armour underneath.

Op - she is a bully and she has you in her sights. I think you either need to shut her down, by staring her out & saying something vile back to shut her up - or start logging this for the bullying that it is - although what she is doing isn’t really obvious to others and depending on where you work although they may investigate, if she’s clever about it, she’ll make it look like you’re the one with the issue -(e.g - you’re paranoid, she was only joking etc..) Good luck with whatever way you decide to deal with this.

[quote sillysmiles]@hgfghgtfbg judging by what you wrote, you are justifying your decisions to her rather than assertively shutting it down. Don't get drawn into bickering with her is what I mean. State what you need to and close the conversation or don't engage with her questioning.
What would happen if you didn't answer beyond what was needed?[/quote]
Exactly this. I see you say you are quiet and reserved, OP, but you need to be more assertive and stop trying yourself up in knots in an attempt to justify yourself.

In the lunch conversation for example:

You: I'm taking my lunch at 2.00 pm today, would you like to go before or after?

Any whats, whys and wherefores from her just repeat, I am going at 2.00 pm does before or after suit you better?

If she keeps on state I have neither the need nor desire to justify myself to you, now are you going for lunch before or after I do?

I'm really grateful for all of your replies.

I have written down every incident I can remember just in case. I don't feel that I need to go to my manager just yet. However, if I'm honest part of why I'm hesitant is because she is well-liked by our line manager.

Another issue I may eventually have to bring up with my manager is she will deny making any kind of mistakes. I will walk away and come back to something that has been done wrong and will gently point it out and she will deny it completely. Even though she is shadowing me, she is still 100% responsible for her actions as she has been trained. I tend to be lighthearted when showing her how to do something and sometimes with a difficult task I will say something like "I remember when I first started, I found it difficult to do [task] but it's easy once you get the hang of it!" and she'll look at me funny and go "Oh you struggled to do [task]? I have never struggled, it's really easy". This will be after I have seen her struggle with the task, she will completely deny it. It's been an adjustment for me to remember not to show any kind of weakness with her as with my other colleagues and my manager we very lighthearted and honest about our mistakes.

She is confident but will rush in to do things with no awareness of her gaps in knowledge and judgement. However, I acknowledge that this may just be a personality clash as I am more cautious and prefer to know what I'm doing before diving in. I was in a meeting one afternoon and so she worked with another colleague. He told me afterwards that she rushed through the tasks saying she knew what she was doing, made a mistake and then walked away leaving my colleague to deal with it. He didn't appreciate the way she just absolved herself of all responsibility and walked away, and it ended up being a mistake he had to get someone senior to advise him on how to reverse.

I think this is a bit of a power struggle with her. She obviously doesn't like being told what to do and has a very high opinion of herself. Now you have brought up her behaviour with a colleague I would absolutely go to your manager and say you are concerned with her attitude and hopefully the colleague will back you up. Get in first as she sounds like the kind of person who will start pointing the finger at others. Protect yourself from this one.

I think it sounds like you need to hand her over to a manager. Explain her behaviour/lack of ownership of mistakes and ask if someone else could have a turn “training her”.

It doesn't matter if she's friendly with your line manager, there is still a problem and they need to be made aware of it. As a manager now myself, I'd be so grateful if a valued member of the team raised concerns with me - you don't have to ask for anything to be done at this stage but you can certainly make them aware of how she is getting on and your perception of her. It could also be a good opportunity to get some advice from your manager as to how to deal with her. I've had people come to me before saying they don't want to drop anyone in it but they don't know how to deal with them when they do x, y or z. Perhaps you could have some coaching to give yourself some confidence in situations like these? Going to your manager is of course your decision (and I think you should) but it doesn't always mean getting someone in trouble, can be more of a heads up.