Am I being overly sensitive or is my colleague being rude?

[hgfghgtfbg]

At work I work in a close knit team of around 10 people, we are all in our 20s and get on well. The newest team member has initially been shadowing me up until now. I have noticed the dynamic between us shift as she gains confidence. I feel like she is starting to be critical and rude about me in front of others but I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive? They are small things but I think the comments are rude to say in front of the entire team.

Three examples from today are:

• I mentioned to our team an email we had all been sent that I had read at home before coming in and she replied "why do you check your emails at home?" and I replied that I have my work email synced to my laptop and I just like to check my inbox n case anything important is sent and she replied "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..."
• Another example is we were having a group conversation when a colleague came up to me to ask me a question and after I answered and resumed the group conversation. It turns out that I had missed that everyone was giving jokey answers to a question so when I was then asked I answered it seriously not realising everyone had started joking around. Everyone else politely just carried on but she said in front of everyone after my answer “I thought we were all giving funny reasons...” This is such a pathetic and juvenile example I feel embarrassed even writing it down as it sounds more like playground antics but there you go.
• Towards the end of the work day I referred to something that happened in the morning as "before lunch" and she said "why do you say 'before lunch'? why not just 'this morning'?"

To me it feels rude as I would never say these things to another person, especially not in front of others. They are also such small things that I would usually overlook but when it's happening often it starts to feel overly critical. However, I am quite a sensitive and quiet person who never wants to offend others so I fully accept I may be being overly sensitive so would love your honest opinions on these examples.

Thank you

*work

@raindaisy

Maybe think about why she would say what she has. Does she have a hidden disability that may be the reason. Not everyone had a hidden agenda. Someone having a form of autism may not be able to understand everything the way you do, but is still quite capable of doing a great job. Once you get to know her you might understand her more rather than pass judgement as in she's just rude.

Jesus, more of this rubbish! Why are you trying to defend this work colleague's behaviour and imply that the OP has the problem simply because she may not "get" her? This is gaslighting at its finest and a great way to put the OP down.

I bet you wouldn't have any problems putting the workmate in her place Ivebeeninlockdowntoolong

I don’t think she sounds rude so much as very very dim. I don’t think any of the questions put you in a bad light so much as make her look very dense. It seems like she is the type who would explain a punchline in an effort to put someone down, not realising that it makes her look ridiculous. I would just ignore her or if pressed probably go with ‘what a strange question/comment’

@LimitIsUp

I bet you wouldn't have any problems putting the workmate in her place Ivebeeninlockdowntoolong

Thanks LimitIsUp

Yes I would, but I learned the hard way through experience of being the OP myself many years ago.

I cannot believe though, how many comments on here reflect that so many people don't understand how bullying works and the impact it has on the victim. And keep on repeating the useless old tropes "oh ignore her it will all go away" or somehow trying to explain away the conduct of the offending colleague.

No wonder bullying still remains a problem and is rife in the workplace if a lot of responses on this thread are anything to go by.

She’s being rude. I’ve worked with people like this but had the benefit of being older than them and more confident. Don’t take it personally, she is the one with the problem, her bad attitude will end up rubbing everyone up the wrong way eventually. Just confide in a co worker you trust, maybe someone who over hears it as well. Then you can exchange glances as it happens, she will get the picture.
It’s always easy to think of a great comeback about a week later. One thing I read somewhere that I love is ‘ leave the comment with them’. I.e if someone says something rude to you, don’t reply, don’t say anything, don’t dignify or acknowledge it. just let the comment sit in the air and let them think about what they’ve said. It gives you control of situation, instead of feeling attacked. I would pause, let it hang about, leave it with her, you don’t need to respond, then move onto the next topic, or even better if in the pause you think of a calm but direct reply say it.
If it were me and someone made the lunch / morning comment to me I don’t think I would dignify it with a response, they are clearly a knob head. Just mark her card, let others know, she sounds immature and rude.

She is rude and a bully and as many people before have said it is important that you do not put yourself down and engage as little as possible. If she starts being picky then the PP who says 'hmmm' or 'ahh' is a great way to go. Also repeating back her question or statements. I had a horrific experience many years ago where I got it so wrong with someone like your colleague. I believed that fair play and reasonableness would win the day but i was wrong in that instance. Good luck

Everyone here has said she sounds rude, therefore it follows that your colleague who hear these interactions will also consider her rude. As long as you can find a way to let her strange comments wash over you without being impacted yourself then it shouldn’t be for much longer as she will trip herself up. What about these. Comments is bothering you? Is it. that they are making you doubt yourself, if so this thread should reassure you that she is the one who sounds odd not you. I can’t see how it is bullying unless you let these comments undermine your confidence and that to a certain extent is up to you.

I had a colleague like this....we all work alone and do things in our own way occasionally crossing over on a shift change....he was always asking why i did things in a certain way...i used to snap back 'does it matter' every single time...he soon stopped.

Throw her under the bus. You are supervising her while she learns the rioes, so go to manager and say had a few observations about how it’s going. And tell them about rude comments, slapdash working etc. They will not thank you if you don’t speak up now, a crap hire can have a horrible impact on the team. You are the trusted experienced person, you should share your feedback.

Ropes not rioes sorry!

@hgfghgtfbg
From this interaction please note that your management recognise your competence in training this person, so they value you.
You colleagues seem to value you - (as you don't seem to have any issues with your colleagues)

You are self aware. So now start recognising that you are worth space and your opinion is valuable. So don't allow people to drag you down and don't give them ammunition by putting yourself down.

How do you get on with your manager?
I would feedback professionally without going into details like

"Has a tendency to try to run before they can walk"
"Perhaps needs to listen more, sometimes says things without thinking"
"Lacks attention to detail, have made sure she's aware of the need to accurately log a,b,c"

But say you are working to address these so manager knows you are aware and actively dealing with.

Then in subsequent manger meetings you can refer back to this and say "you will recall i mentioned xs lack of attention to detail, despite me and Dave flagging this with her, she is still not getting it"

But still log all these incidents. I just feel the longer it goes in, it will look bad on you if one day you suddenly go to your manager and dump all these little examples - however compelling they are - in one go with a "Taa-dah - she is utterly nuts and needs to go". You need to prove/show you have been trying to work on these issues - the work related ones at least.

As for her personal attitude towards you, some great advice on here. Esp like the "don't justify, don't explain"

Pity honesty is NOT the best policy in these circumstances.
“Is an undermining bitch”
“Termites at every opportunity”
“Overestimates Talent, Skills, Abilities completely underestimates people skills, job skills, job description.”

It might be rude, it might be her finding her feet, it might be they struggle with communication skills, it might be they want to be cut lose from a mentored ‘new person’ role.

Whatever the cause, the answer is open, honest and unemotional communication.

The example around emails may just be different expectations of the job. Say, “I know some people like to keep work in the office but I prefer to know what I am coming into each day. Is that a problem? “

The jokey answers, I think I’d just say, “Oh I missed that. I thought it was a serious question.”

The before lunch comment maybe just remind her that yes, they often are synonymous, but not always.

I think you’re taking it as a personal affront and attack when it probably is just someone trying to understand the culture and fit in. Respond so they know your position but don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

Sorry wrong thread!

Be careful, she's singling you out to see if anybody joins in and will then make you the group target. She is trying to isolate you from your core group and then evict you leaving a vacancy for her.

I'm afraid I agree with this OP. You need to be very strong now and hopefully you'll get through it. I would talk to your line manager but be as unemotional as you can.

I've had this happen twice in two different jobs so I think it's quite common. The first was a mean and rather messed up individual who eventually left. The second I ended up getting on much better with eventually. I think she was initially threatened by me in a group dynamic rather than professional way, but after she saw me go through a very stressful few months (about a year later) she became much nicer.

Good luck!!

From your first post I was going to say you were being overly sensitive and give her the benefit of the doubt but from what you’ve said, it does sound like she’s trying to put you down. The example of the automatic car is a bit ridiculous. No-one should be telling others they’re lazy etc in w professional setting because of the car they’re driving. She’s either incredibly lacking in emotional intelligence, a bit dim or is getting something out of trying to put you down.

Urgghhhh I used to work with someone like this! Although your initial examples may seem fairly innocuous, when it is being done on a daily basis & constitutes most of your interaction with this person it can really get you down! One of my particular favourites with my ex-colleague would happen every day when the reception desk needed staffing. She would say 'are you going to cover reception today or do you want me to do it?' This was at a time when I was hugely lacking in confidence & while other members of the team would say 'you can do it' if she said this to them, I always felt like it was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation! If I said 'I'll cover it then' I'd end up doing it every day. If I said 'you can cover it' she'd get all huffy & 'oh! Oh right! Well I'm quite busy but if you really want me to...' 🙄🙄🙄

She’s going to call you out for inadequate training, too. Get in ahead of her. This woman’s a snake. If you know where she came from it would be great to dig up some dirt.

Don't start digging up dirt. Don't loudly performatvely train her, don't turn your back to her and raise your eyebrows. Be professional. She is being difficult and immature and unprofessional. Don't be her.

I think you’re taking it as a personal affront and attack when it probably is just someone trying to understand the culture and fit in. Respond so they know your position but don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

Ah yes, another great example of gaslighting the OP. So of course it's all her fault that she cannot understand someone is trying to understand the culture and fit in. Second in crap advice to " oh just ignore it, OP. She will get tired of behaving like a cunt and stop eventually". oh no she won't Why do posters here keep coming up with the same old rubbish rather than useful advice on how to deal with bullying in the workplace? Is this down to how we've been conditioned, the "there there, don't make a fuss" brigade?

This is part of the problem that women have been unable to speak out for so long about all sorts of long-term endemic problems in society, eg abusive relationships and sexual abuse for starters. Because they've been actively encouraged not to, by people who think they should just suck it up, try to understand the perpetrator's view point, and otherwise just should not be rocking the boat and inconveniencing everyone else and people in authority.

And when it's other women (guessing that most of the posters on mn are women) doing it to shut up other women, that is so, so tragic.

@midsomermurderess

Don't start digging up dirt. Don't loudly performatvely train her, don't turn your back to her and raise your eyebrows. Be professional. She is being difficult and immature and unprofessional. Don't be her.

And again!

HI everyone, thought I would give a little update seeing as you were all so kind to advise me.

So my colleague's shadowing period has now ended and she has been assigned to work with me for the foreseeable future. :( It's hard to explain but we have to work in pairs and sign off on everything the other person does.

It's been quite stressful and difficult but it's all little things so it's hard to clearly explain to others why it's been stressful. A few examples of this past week alone:

• I'm pretty sure she made a mistake doing something as logically it makes sense with the task she was working on that a mistake was feasible. I can categorically say I did not make the mistake as I was not anywhere near that particular task, but I'm the one who noticed the mistake which meant a whole afternoon of reporting it and troubleshooting whilst she just seemed to disappear leaving me to deal with it and tell our manager. There's no proof on how the mistake was made and there are several theories (some being human error, some not) but I'm pretty sure it could have been her (not a big deal, mistakes are made but I would have appreciated her at least suggesting it a possible reason rather than just ignore it and walk away.
• This is hard to explain but during one of the processes we are not allowed to leave the PC and it takes an hour, so you're basically trapped at the PC for an hour several times a day. Every colleague I have previously worked with been happy to alternate so I suggested that with my current colleague and she agreed, but everytime the task starts on the PC she just disappears/walks away and I'm left sitting with it whilst she goes and socialises. When I try and be more assertive she will sit with it and then shout over to me "can you just watch it for 5 minutes whilst I go to the loo/make a cup of tea" and then she will just never come back until it's finished so I'm left sitting with it yet again.
• We have shared tasks to do and it's quicker if we both do it together. Instead she will go busy herself with paperwork in the other office because it means she is technically being productive but it also means she can chat to others whilst I'm all stressed running around trying to sort everything out myself. I can accept it as she is being productive but today after she finished the paperwork I walked into the room and she was sitting chatting with colleagues and then has the audacity to say "have you finished it yet?"