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Original poster

Am I being overly sensitive or is my colleague being rude?

195 replies

hgfghgtfbg · 08/04/2021 01:19

At work I work in a close knit team of around 10 people, we are all in our 20s and get on well. The newest team member has initially been shadowing me up until now. I have noticed the dynamic between us shift as she gains confidence. I feel like she is starting to be critical and rude about me in front of others but I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive? They are small things but I think the comments are rude to say in front of the entire team.

Three examples from today are:

  • I mentioned to our team an email we had all been sent that I had read at home before coming in and she replied "why do you check your emails at home?" and I replied that I have my work email synced to my laptop and I just like to check my inbox n case anything important is sent and she replied "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..."
  • Another example is we were having a group conversation when a colleague came up to me to ask me a question and after I answered and resumed the group conversation. It turns out that I had missed that everyone was giving jokey answers to a question so when I was then asked I answered it seriously not realising everyone had started joking around. Everyone else politely just carried on but she said in front of everyone after my answer “I thought we were all giving funny reasons...” This is such a pathetic and juvenile example I feel embarrassed even writing it down as it sounds more like playground antics but there you go.
  • Towards the end of the work day I referred to something that happened in the morning as "before lunch" and she said "why do you say 'before lunch'? why not just 'this morning'?" Confused

To me it feels rude as I would never say these things to another person, especially not in front of others. They are also such small things that I would usually overlook but when it's happening often it starts to feel overly critical. However, I am quite a sensitive and quiet person who never wants to offend others so I fully accept I may be being overly sensitive so would love your honest opinions on these examples.

Thank you

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2021 08:13

Yeah she’s being a prick. Trying to assert herself.

Laugh and say “that sounds a bit rude!”
“Why do you need to know?”
“Why does that confuse you?”

Ugh people sometimes. Sorry OP.

Pinchoftums · 08/04/2021 08:20

@itsgettingwierd you're absolutely right. If she is just singling you out then that is different.

TheThermalStair · 08/04/2021 08:22

Some great suggestions here along the lines of “does it matter?”

One alternative if you have a close friend in the team is that s/he could have a word with the new person and essentially burst her bubble over thinking this is a cool way to behave. “Is everything alright? Are you and OP not getting on? We’ve all noticed you seem to nitpick at a lot of the things she says and does. OP is one of our most trusted and respected [job title]. Perhaps you’d be more comfortable shadowing somebody else?”

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
Collygirl · 08/04/2021 08:26

Omg I totally feel you! When I went on mat leave & came back. The horrible bitch that took over my job changed everything & the managers let her. She was socialising with them outside of work. When I came back it was like she was in charge of me! If I made a mistake she told management. I nearly ended up having a breakdown. She had the cheek to say I made her life a fucking misery! She left in the end & ive been made redundant now but it was the worse time of my life. Please ignore this girl!! Or tell her where to go! You seem so nice! I would love to work with you!

HeartsAndClubs · 08/04/2021 08:32

Must there always be someone on these threads who suggests autism? Hmm

She sounds like a cocky prat who thinks that her questioning makes her look big and clever. It doesn’t.

I’d be really tempted to be sarcastic back i.e. with the second example I would have liked to reply “well, you’ve obviously. Not been here long enough to get it.” But in truth I would probably just answer the questions with questions “Why does it matter what I Do?” And to the situation where she said “I just don’t get it,” “well, seems like you need shadowing a bit longer then. Grin

MaMaD1990 · 08/04/2021 08:33

Please don't ask your colleagues to speak with her - it's totally inappropriate and they won't thank you for being dragged into this. You have to either speak to her yourself or speak to your manager. By getting other colleagues to talk to her, it comes across incredibly childish and like you've been having a right bitch about her to other team members, and this could reflect very poorly on you.

snowcobra · 08/04/2021 08:35

She sounds blunt, but not deliberately rude.

TheThermalStair · 08/04/2021 08:39

@MaMaD1990

Please don't ask your colleagues to speak with her - it's totally inappropriate and they won't thank you for being dragged into this. You have to either speak to her yourself or speak to your manager. By getting other colleagues to talk to her, it comes across incredibly childish and like you've been having a right bitch about her to other team members, and this could reflect very poorly on you.
Why? She’s been doing it in front of them. Agree a manager would be better.
daisypond · 08/04/2021 08:39

1 and 2 are OK, but a bit gauche and lacking in social/office skills. 3 is rude.

Constance11 · 08/04/2021 08:41

Is she definitely singling you out or are you only noticing when she is being a dick to you? If she is singling you out you need to push back and regain the upper hand - if you can be bothered. If not just eye roll every time she says something and tell her to stop being so obsessed with you.

MaMaD1990 · 08/04/2021 08:44

@TheThermalStair Just because she's done it in front of other people doesn't mean she should drag other colleagues into it. It's very tit for tat and reminds me of school playground behaviour. It's a professional setting and she should set the standards by following a professional process and dealing with it herself or through her manager. I've been in a position before when another colleague wanted me to talk to someone about their behaviour and it was very awkward for me - I ended up passing it to my manager because it was nothing to do with me and I didn't appreciate being brought into a situation where it felt like my colleague was trying to get people on her side. Its borderline bullying. Granted, she's not acting nicely at all, but asking other colleagues who aren't involved is completely unprofessional.

teawamutu · 08/04/2021 08:46

If she interrupts you, don't react to what she says. Wait one beat, say 'just to finish the point I was making' and carry on. Bonus points if you do exactly the same thing every time till she stops.

Worked a treat with my workplace rude cow.

itsgettingwierd · 08/04/2021 08:50

As an aside with the invention is smart watches some of our colleagues get emails tagged to them.

Instead of questioning why they want constant access and don't just read at work etc we ask them if they were important and what they say Grin

MissyB1 · 08/04/2021 08:56

Hmmm she’s either socially awkward (and I was when I was in my 20s). Or she’s getting cocky because she thinks it will make her popular. Only you can work that out really.

Either way stay calm but firm and shut her down quickly (but politely) when she does it. If it carries in then a friendly little “chat” to explain what she is doing and that it needs to stop.

LadyDangerfield · 08/04/2021 09:03

Be careful, she's singling you out to see if anybody joins in and will then make you the group target. She is trying to isolate you from your core group and then evict you leaving a vacancy for her. I've seen this done so many times, classic abuser traits of divide & conquer. Unfortunately, women are spectacularly good at this type of mind fuckery.

You say she is new and you are mentoring her. Do you report back to someone about her progress & has she passed her probation period? I'd be flagging up her attitude problem to HR by saying she doesn't gel with the team & causes conflict.

JustSleepAlready · 08/04/2021 09:06

She doesn’t like you.

BeyondMyWits · 08/04/2021 09:18

She's young, she's new, she's trying to fit in to an established team.

You are sensitive and quiet.

Part of being a mentor is also having those awkward conversations of "why so abrupt?", "if you haven't understood something, it is fine to ask, but please do so politely" etc.

Seems like she either doesn't like you, or you don't like her. Both of which are fine by the way. But if mentoring is being watched by those on high for progression purposes, you need to have a chat with her about her attitude before it gets noticed.

LadyDangerfield · 08/04/2021 09:22

I'd test my theory of whether she's trying to isolate & evict you or she just doesn't like you. I would pass her onto be mentored by someone slightly less senior than you & see how she reacts. If she behaves the same way to the new mentor then she's trying to establish herself as the top dog. She will slowly work her way through each person until she establishes her in the no 1 spot.

However, if she treats you the same way and doesn't bother with the mentor then she doesn't like you. My money is on number 1 and I'd advise you to get rid of her before she becomes a permanent staff member. You don't want this type of person on your team, they are dangerous. Hollow laugh & shudders at a not too distant memory

LittlestBoho · 08/04/2021 09:27

She sounds strangely literal. I've worked with a few people like that, who question "Why do you say X when the only, one true word for that is Y?" It's a sign that they've led a very sheltered life with no real experience that other people have their own thoughts and vocabulary.

Try not to let it get to you and keep it breezy with her; she seems very gauche.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/04/2021 09:31

If the colleague is only doing it to you then yes she wants to establish dominance and erode your confidence.

  • I check my emails because I want to. Don't worry, we don't expect it, especially from junior people like you.
  • As I clearly missed that part, don't you think it's rude to point it out?
  • Because I want to. You are free to say in the morning and I would never be rude enough to question that.
HerMammy · 08/04/2021 09:36

@HeartsAndClubs
It’s so predictable isn’t it.
I read threads now and can countdown to the suggestion of autism being made, be it someone being rude, insensitive, man being abusive; oh it’s autism.
Can we stop trying to excuse shitty nasty ppl, my son has Aspergers and is very polite and kind, it’s a disservice to genuine autistic/aspergers persons that everyone assumes they are rude and nasty.

MarthaJonesPhone · 08/04/2021 10:12

[quote HerMammy]@HeartsAndClubs
It’s so predictable isn’t it.
I read threads now and can countdown to the suggestion of autism being made, be it someone being rude, insensitive, man being abusive; oh it’s autism.
Can we stop trying to excuse shitty nasty ppl, my son has Aspergers and is very polite and kind, it’s a disservice to genuine autistic/aspergers persons that everyone assumes they are rude and nasty.[/quote]
I totally agree. Its ignorant and lazy. DS has ASD and he is none of these things. I'm so bloody sick of people making these comments.

Stratfordplace · 08/04/2021 10:18

The new colleague is demeaning you and undermining you. Don’t let it continue and don’t be too polite. As others have said she’s mistaking your kindness for weakness and is a potential bully.

Justilou1 · 08/04/2021 10:27

She’s a smartarse. She needs a gentle slapdown.
A) Because I like to be prepared for my working day, don’t you?
B) Withering stare... “Rude AND immature. Noted.”
C) “Rude, immature and JUDGEMENTAL... Does not play well with others.”

BogRollBOGOF · 08/04/2021 10:32

She sounds socially awkward rather than intentionally rude. She's being a bit nit-picky, but that's not necessarily being personal.

There may just be a minor personality clash and nothing more sinister than that.

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