Am I being overly sensitive or is my colleague being rude?

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At work I work in a close knit team of around 10 people, we are all in our 20s and get on well. The newest team member has initially been shadowing me up until now. I have noticed the dynamic between us shift as she gains confidence. I feel like she is starting to be critical and rude about me in front of others but I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive? They are small things but I think the comments are rude to say in front of the entire team.

Three examples from today are:

• I mentioned to our team an email we had all been sent that I had read at home before coming in and she replied "why do you check your emails at home?" and I replied that I have my work email synced to my laptop and I just like to check my inbox n case anything important is sent and she replied "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..."
• Another example is we were having a group conversation when a colleague came up to me to ask me a question and after I answered and resumed the group conversation. It turns out that I had missed that everyone was giving jokey answers to a question so when I was then asked I answered it seriously not realising everyone had started joking around. Everyone else politely just carried on but she said in front of everyone after my answer “I thought we were all giving funny reasons...” This is such a pathetic and juvenile example I feel embarrassed even writing it down as it sounds more like playground antics but there you go.
• Towards the end of the work day I referred to something that happened in the morning as "before lunch" and she said "why do you say 'before lunch'? why not just 'this morning'?"

To me it feels rude as I would never say these things to another person, especially not in front of others. They are also such small things that I would usually overlook but when it's happening often it starts to feel overly critical. However, I am quite a sensitive and quiet person who never wants to offend others so I fully accept I may be being overly sensitive so would love your honest opinions on these examples.

Thank you

Have you actually mentioned anything to your manager yet? About the things that happened while she was shadowing or the things going on now? You sound like you really need to be more assertive. Like when she shouted out have you finished it yet I’d have shouted back “no because you’re not pulling your weight!”

Sounds like she's come in, sussed out your weak points and challenged you enough but subtly so it doesn't look toooo bad, and now she's in a better position, more settled etc it seems she is really notching up her antics.

I would keep a log of all comments and incidents etc and mention to HR that she seems
to be leaving the pc when it should be attended...

Failing that can you suggest that the partnership isn't working as well as you had expected and she can be placed with someone else?

Where did she work before and how long for? If she didn't last long in her previous job then that's something else for you to consider.

Try and keep being professional but that doesn't mean be a pushover. Just keep track of it all and have a conversation this week with HR about all the concerns.

You never know, they may have had other reports about her behaviour esp if she's so new to the job but is always slacking off chatting and drinking tea etc

REALLY annoying to work with someone taking the piss like this.

Good luck OP

@Honeyroar

Have you actually mentioned anything to your manager yet? About the things that happened while she was shadowing or the things going on now? You sound like you really need to be more assertive. Like when she shouted out have you finished it yet I’d have shouted back “no because you’re not pulling your weight!”

I've spoken to my manager but it's hard to describe things as the incidences are so small and insignificant on their own, but the responses on this thread have given me more confidence that there is a general, underlying issue/pattern. He just said we are a team, she's still new and learning, etc. With the mistake I brought it up as a potential theory and he just nodded and didn't really say anything. The example with the PC I feel like is something I can't bring up as sitting with the PC is part of our job but it's not that I want to evade responsibility but rather I just want the boring and less boring tasks divided more equally.

When she was sitting around whilst I was doing work I did say "no, it's not finished yet as X, Y and Z happened which needed sorting. Can you help me now you've finished with the paperwork?" and she was sitting with others and replied like "oh, yeah I guess, sure. I thought it would have been done by now..." with a face like even though it's literally her job. I find it embarrassing in front of my other colleagues as she implies I'm incompetent and too slow when really I'm doing a task alone that is usually sped up by two people working on it.

She also just disappears on breaks and for meetings without telling me which I feel like is the biggest, concrete issue I can bring up to my manager and not feeling like I'm telling tales or having a personality conflict.

To be honest I'm just so frustrated. It's all basic common courtesy that really shouldn't be an issue between two colleagues. I've never had any problems with previous colleagues.

OP,
She is really rude.
She dislikes you.
She doesn't respect you.
She is deliberately trying to show you up.

When she does this , why are you not asking her "what is with the face?".

If you don't stop being pleasant, allowing her to treat you like shit, this is only going to get worse.

Every single time she says something rudeyou have to ask her "does she mean to be so rude?".

Stop being a walk over.
Ask to move or for her to move if you can't cope.

Do nothing to assist her.
Start job hunting if you can't stand up for yourself.

You know you have issues, start dealing with them or this will be your life in every job.

She's a bully and you seem an easy target.

Until you stand up for yourself you will continue to be a target.

It really is up to you.

God this sounds really annoying. You could look at it as an opportunity to learn how to work with difficult people because it's going to happen throughout your career I'm afraid. Practise saying things very directly rather than couched in sensitive politeness-- that approach works very well generally not some people just see it as a weakness. You're going to have to treat her like the recalcitrant child she is.

Draw up a timetable for the pc task and say 'it's your turn to do it on Tuesdays and Thursdays'
'it's time to do the joint task. You do xyz and I'll do abc'
Don't fill pauses in the conversation. If she says 'oh I thought that would have been done' say 'did you?' and wait for her to say something. Let her fill the space with unreasonable nonsense that others will see.
Practise an arsey facial expression.

The main thing is THIS IS HER NOT YOU don't second guess yourself. You are in the right and she's being a cow. Stick up for yourself! Make her wish she hadn't made the mistake of thinking pleasant, polite and diligent= weak!

The thing is outside of my interactions with her, work goes really well. We are a close knit team and always helping each other out even with things that are not our responsibility. I overhear my colleagues be accommodating to their partners and share responsibilities and accommodate the other's preferences. I have never had to be assertive at work and have never seen another colleague have to be assertive as we all just work well together.

You are all right, she has no respect for me. She asked our manager if we could be moved to a different task next week without even asking my opinion or whether I wanted to change tasks. She goes off on breaks without telling me, she leaves at the end of the work day without telling me. It's so disrespectful. She makes mistakes and doesn't care, but on Friday I made a tiny "mistake" (not even a mistake as it has no consequences and is a way that management want us to try as they think it may be a better way) and she had to loudly point it out to me.

I'm baffled that she is acting so rudely already. We barely know each other and should still be on the polite social niceties stage you have with someone you barely know. She also has a rather blunt personality in general, I've seen her being quite short and abrupt with our manager when her mood slips.

I'm finding it upsetting. I had been just accepting it was her personality and a simple personality clash and nothing personal but reading how she dislikes me and doesn't have respect for me is really hard to hear.

I get feeling upset but it's not actually about you, it's about her. But you're the one who bears the brunt of it and while it would be nice for somebody to step in and sort it out the chances are that's not going to happen, so you need to find ways of managing her so you can do your job and be happy. It is within your power to do this and if you can learn how, that skill will stand you in incredibly good stead for the future.

Although it may not seem like it, she actually sounds really insecure in herself.
No excuse for her behaviour though.

Ah I have one like this in my team. I just do a head tilt/puzzled face, wait a beat and carry on with what I was saying. Seems to work! I know others have noticed they do it and aren't impressed so not sure it's a great way to establish oneself in a team

I've been on training the past two days, back into the office this afternoon and I have such a deep sense of dread and anxiety. :( I feel really tearful, I just don't want to go in.

@HeartsAndClubs

Must there always be someone on these threads who suggests autism?

She sounds like a cocky prat who thinks that her questioning makes her look big and clever. It doesn’t.

I’d be really tempted to be sarcastic back i.e. with the second example I would have liked to reply “well, you’ve obviously. Not been here long enough to get it.” But in truth I would probably just answer the questions with questions “Why does it matter what I Do?” And to the situation where she said “I just don’t get it,” “well, seems like you need shadowing a bit longer then.

I agree that the autism comment was insensitive. Autism is a lot more than just being socially awkward.

Autism is MN's favourite minority go-to insult. If any other minority was mentioned in this way, there would be shrieking and pearl-clutching.

But it's OK to insult because we're not really human.

insult us

@Pinchoftums

My friend does this. Took me a while to find out that she is mildly autistic.

I know people who do this and they are neurotypical.

You need to keep stating "this is a team task/job" and "we need to share these tasks equally you don't just opt out of doing the ones you think are boring".

You need to bring up with your line manager that she isn't a team player and would benefit from being paired with someone that is very assertive to nip it in the bud.

Yes to this^^

She needs reassigning to someone who can sit on her fro a while, whilst you sort out how to manage people.

When you were training her in and she was shadowing you, did she take notes or were job aids or training materials available to her? If they were, you could say to her "Anne - you really need to be following what the job aid says here. You have to stay at the PC for an hour and you can't leave it unattended" or "Anne - we agreed that I would be at the PC from 9-10 and you would take over and be there from 10-11 and then I would relieve you and be there from 11-12. I don't know where you are most of the time when you're supposed to be at the PC because you are leaving it unattended. Please stay at the PC for the hour that you've agreed to."
About the latest update where she wanted to change tasks you should flag this with your manager saying "Anne approached you to find out if she could change tasks. I'm very happy doing the tasks that I'm doing so perhaps she could be released and I could train someone else in on this task. It will allow for greater cover for holiday times too as then both Anne and someone else could be called upon to lend a hand if someone is on leave for example"

I have one like this. We started our training together. She revels in clocking in and out, I like exploring and researching. She belittles me and makes out I'm a swot, whilst asking me constant 'how do I do xyz'. My response is passive aggressively sticking my middle finger up at her and making out I'm joking. I'm not.

Aw OP, I really feel for you, I've worked with similar people in the past and it can be so upsetting.

What I will say, as someone older (this is one GREAT thing about aging, I get to trot this out all the time ) is that the only way it will get better is if bite the bullet and you stand up to her. It is not rude to be assertive. You need to call her out every time she does something unacceptable. Kick up a fuss. Make it clear what your priorities and responsibilities are and how she's not cooperating.

A great line someone I worked with said to me once (when I was the one being a bitch) is "we're supposed to work as a team. Right now by doing X, Y, Z you're not allowing this to happen" and I've never forgotten it.

See it as a personal challenge, not to grit your teeth and bear it but actually actively call her out on it. It takes a lot more bravery to confront than to just try and turn a blind eye, but you'll get so much more success out of doing so.

Agree with pp that assertiveness is key. Keep it task focused and impersonal. Document everything. Also, keep channels of communication with colleagues open. Be matter-of-fact with her and don't chat, just limit your conversation with her to work matters only.

I really feel for you. I had a line manager like that for a while and she had such a demoralising effect on the team, just the constant criticisms and pointless antagonism.

I think you need to talk to your line manager and ask for their help in broaching this with her. If you were her line manager it would be different but you are her peer so I think the LM needs to get involved.