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Original poster

Am I being overly sensitive or is my colleague being rude?

195 replies

hgfghgtfbg · 08/04/2021 01:19

At work I work in a close knit team of around 10 people, we are all in our 20s and get on well. The newest team member has initially been shadowing me up until now. I have noticed the dynamic between us shift as she gains confidence. I feel like she is starting to be critical and rude about me in front of others but I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive? They are small things but I think the comments are rude to say in front of the entire team.

Three examples from today are:

  • I mentioned to our team an email we had all been sent that I had read at home before coming in and she replied "why do you check your emails at home?" and I replied that I have my work email synced to my laptop and I just like to check my inbox n case anything important is sent and she replied "why not just check your emails here when you're at the office? I don't get it..."
  • Another example is we were having a group conversation when a colleague came up to me to ask me a question and after I answered and resumed the group conversation. It turns out that I had missed that everyone was giving jokey answers to a question so when I was then asked I answered it seriously not realising everyone had started joking around. Everyone else politely just carried on but she said in front of everyone after my answer “I thought we were all giving funny reasons...” This is such a pathetic and juvenile example I feel embarrassed even writing it down as it sounds more like playground antics but there you go.
  • Towards the end of the work day I referred to something that happened in the morning as "before lunch" and she said "why do you say 'before lunch'? why not just 'this morning'?" Confused

To me it feels rude as I would never say these things to another person, especially not in front of others. They are also such small things that I would usually overlook but when it's happening often it starts to feel overly critical. However, I am quite a sensitive and quiet person who never wants to offend others so I fully accept I may be being overly sensitive so would love your honest opinions on these examples.

Thank you

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 08/04/2021 19:12

Yeah, I think most people will see what she’s like soon enough. Hang tight. Be breezy and try not to do anything she can twist

BronwenFrideswide · 08/04/2021 19:13

Protect yourself from this one.

Yes. Document everything, dates, times, gr mistakes and denial of them especially. You will need the evidence, speak to the other colleague and make sure they will be prepared to back you up if necessary.

I tend to be lighthearted when showing her how to do something and sometimes with a difficult task I will say something like "I remember when I first started, I found it difficult to do [task] but it's easy once you get the hang of it!" and she'll look at me funny and go "Oh you struggled to do [task]? I have never struggled, it's really easy". This will be after I have seen her struggle with the task, she will completely deny it

Stop doing this, say or show how something is done this is how we do this, any questions? Stop being nice, be polite and civil, tell her/show her what she needs to know, make sure you have given all the information and leave her to it. Any comeback if/when she makes a mistake just state X assured me she knew what she was doing and found it very easy, I did offer my help but was told it wasn't needed as X was very confident in her ability.

expectopelargonium · 08/04/2021 19:20

Every time I justify or explain myself she will hit back with a comment and I have go justify myself again or just give up and let her do what she thinks is right.

Never justify, never explain. Well, to the Managing Director yes, but not to a bumptious colleague.

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General relationships
dodobookends · 08/04/2021 19:21

@LadyDangerfield

Be careful, she's singling you out to see if anybody joins in and will then make you the group target. She is trying to isolate you from your core group and then evict you leaving a vacancy for her. I've seen this done so many times, classic abuser traits of divide & conquer. Unfortunately, women are spectacularly good at this type of mind fuckery.

You say she is new and you are mentoring her. Do you report back to someone about her progress & has she passed her probation period? I'd be flagging up her attitude problem to HR by saying she doesn't gel with the team & causes conflict.

Yep, spot on. She's the office equivalent of a Wendy.
MyOtherProfile · 08/04/2021 19:28

Yes that phrase is good - never justify never explain. When she asks you next just ignore the question and carry on talking.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 08/04/2021 19:47

In communal situations, position your back to her. When she starts making her irrelevant antagonist comments (she won't be able to help herself) ignore the grey noise and carry on your conversation. Here's hoping she will crawl back under her cranky rock. If she doesn't, confront her head on, out of view of others, ask her very quietly "what the fuck is your problem." She so will not expect this from someone who sounds lovely, grounded & conscientious. I'd put a wager on it, she stops!

Karwomannghia · 08/04/2021 20:13

I think the response “I’m sorry?” With a slight laugh could shut down most of the questioning. If she repeats it, say, “what do you mean?” It reflects back what she’s saying and she has to say it again. So the emails- why are you reading them at home? I’m sorry? Well why don’t you read them at work? Are you telling me when to read my emails?
Don’t answer basically, just get her to repeat it or repeat it back to show how absurd she’s being.
She’s trying to mask her inadequacy but it seems the cracks are starting to show anyway.

expectopelargonium · 08/04/2021 20:17

@hgfghgtfbg

I'm really grateful for all of your replies. Flowers

I have written down every incident I can remember just in case. I don't feel that I need to go to my manager just yet. However, if I'm honest part of why I'm hesitant is because she is well-liked by our line manager.

Another issue I may eventually have to bring up with my manager is she will deny making any kind of mistakes. I will walk away and come back to something that has been done wrong and will gently point it out and she will deny it completely. Even though she is shadowing me, she is still 100% responsible for her actions as she has been trained. I tend to be lighthearted when showing her how to do something and sometimes with a difficult task I will say something like "I remember when I first started, I found it difficult to do [task] but it's easy once you get the hang of it!" and she'll look at me funny and go "Oh you struggled to do [task]? I have never struggled, it's really easy". This will be after I have seen her struggle with the task, she will completely deny it. It's been an adjustment for me to remember not to show any kind of weakness with her as with my other colleagues and my manager we very lighthearted and honest about our mistakes.

She is confident but will rush in to do things with no awareness of her gaps in knowledge and judgement. However, I acknowledge that this may just be a personality clash as I am more cautious and prefer to know what I'm doing before diving in. I was in a meeting one afternoon and so she worked with another colleague. He told me afterwards that she rushed through the tasks saying she knew what she was doing, made a mistake and then walked away leaving my colleague to deal with it. He didn't appreciate the way she just absolved herself of all responsibility and walked away, and it ended up being a mistake he had to get someone senior to advise him on how to reverse.

That last bit...

Your colleague now knows what she's like. She's like a bull in a china shop, and my feeling is that she will continue to work this way and when (not if, but when) she is pulled up on her cockups by a senior manager, she will tell them that you trained her to do it like that, thereby shifting the blame onto you.

I'd have a quiet word with your boss, just to go over how it's going, and mention that you think she is sometimes reluctant to ask for assistance when she needs it.

devildeepbluesea · 08/04/2021 20:19

@LadyDangerfield

I'd test my theory of whether she's trying to isolate & evict you or she just doesn't like you. I would pass her onto be mentored by someone slightly less senior than you & see how she reacts. If she behaves the same way to the new mentor then she's trying to establish herself as the top dog. She will slowly work her way through each person until she establishes her in the no 1 spot.

However, if she treats you the same way and doesn't bother with the mentor then she doesn't like you. My money is on number 1 and I'd advise you to get rid of her before she becomes a permanent staff member. You don't want this type of person on your team, they are dangerous. Hollow laugh & shudders at a not too distant memory

This is exactly what I think is happening. Shes jockeying for position as top dog.

Be polite but firm in your responses and call her out when she's being rude.

smellysmoke · 08/04/2021 20:29

In case it helps, I have a technique with my teens - I channel Marge Simpson and say hmmm.

I am responding, I am not saying yes, I am not saying no, I am not getting into a row, and we can move on.

It saves me from having to disagree with them (huge hormone fuelled row) or having to say I agree with something I don't agree with.

I'd go for non commital Hmmm with her, when you cannot ignore her - you may have the joy of finding it drives her crazy Grin

Mintyt · 08/04/2021 20:29

Checking emails at home - look at her and say yes I am that boring
Before lunch Lols does it matter.you said tomato
Jockey reply opps
Car. Yes I am that stupid
Brush her off

TellySavalashairbrush · 08/04/2021 20:35

Sounds like she’s a bit threatened by you and as a result is acting like an arse. Ignore and don’t worry about her. You are obviously very good at what you do and there are people who will try to put you down in order to make themselves feel better. Stupid girl.

JoysexrenovationFingerFumble · 08/04/2021 20:59

@smellysmoke

In case it helps, I have a technique with my teens - I channel Marge Simpson and say hmmm.

I am responding, I am not saying yes, I am not saying no, I am not getting into a row, and we can move on.

It saves me from having to disagree with them (huge hormone fuelled row) or having to say I agree with something I don't agree with.

I'd go for non commital Hmmm with her, when you cannot ignore her - you may have the joy of finding it drives her crazy Grin

Yes I am a big fan of the vague “Aah” which I use in the same way Grin

But do be careful OP. She sounds awful.

Honeybobbin · 08/04/2021 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisypond · 08/04/2021 21:13

@Mintyt

Checking emails at home - look at her and say yes I am that boring Before lunch Lols does it matter.you said tomato Jockey reply opps Car. Yes I am that stupid Brush her off
Don’t do any of these things. Do not say you’re boring or stupid or lols, etc.
shrumps · 08/04/2021 21:15

It's not you, it's her, and you won't be the only one to have noticed this. Hold your nerve, answer her questions honestly and don't get dragged into the drama. You'll be fine.

QueenValentina · 08/04/2021 21:28

She sounds really nasty. I wouldn't actually be surprised if she says things about you behind your back to colleagues in addition to her comments to you.

I'd disengage from her. Don't feel that you need to justify yourself to her, and just ignore her comments like you would with a child that makes an inappropriate, strange comment.

I wouldn't go to management about her; they'll probably all be taken in by her and think she's amazing. People like her always come up smelling of roses.

Wenf81 · 08/04/2021 22:14

I think i remember this being referred to in Bridget Jones Diary as a social jellyfish type of person

raindaisy · 08/04/2021 22:28

Maybe think about why she would say what she has. Does she have a hidden disability that may be the reason. Not everyone had a hidden agenda. Someone having a form of autism may not be able to understand everything the way you do, but is still quite capable of doing a great job. Once you get to know her you might understand her more rather than pass judgement as in she's just rude.

echt · 08/04/2021 22:37

@raindaisy

Maybe think about why she would say what she has. Does she have a hidden disability that may be the reason. Not everyone had a hidden agenda. Someone having a form of autism may not be able to understand everything the way you do, but is still quite capable of doing a great job. Once you get to know her you might understand her more rather than pass judgement as in she's just rude.
That would work if the person did it to everyone, but she doesn't.
SausageDogSandwich · 08/04/2021 22:45

You need to stop being so nice.

Either ignore her and pretend not to hear her so that she has to repeat herself or tackle it head on.......
"Who are you, the email police?"
"Please don't correct me. If I want to say before lunch, I'll say before lunch".

If she's making mistakes then tell her. Talk to her directly. Point out the mistake and tell her what she should have done. Don't be apologetic about it. She's quite happy to point out your failings so don't tiptoe around her.

I hate falling out with people but have found that life is a lot easier if you stand up to certain personalities.

sillysmiles · 08/04/2021 23:17

I tend to be lighthearted when showing her how to do something and sometimes with a difficult task I will say something like "I remember when I first started, I found it difficult to do [task] but it's easy once you get the hang of it!" and she'll look at me funny and go "Oh you struggled to do [task]? I have never struggled, it's really easy".

Why are you putting yourself down at all anyway? It is possible to empathise without degrading yourself.

sometimes people find this task difficult when they are being trained, please watch from xyz and let me know if you make a mistake

From everything you've written about yourself you seem to knock yourself in the way you speak and act. Do you need to learn to take up more space in general and not be so dismissive of yourself?

Original poster
hgfghgtfbg · 09/04/2021 00:15

@sillysmiles

I tend to be lighthearted when showing her how to do something and sometimes with a difficult task I will say something like "I remember when I first started, I found it difficult to do [task] but it's easy once you get the hang of it!" and she'll look at me funny and go "Oh you struggled to do [task]? I have never struggled, it's really easy".

Why are you putting yourself down at all anyway? It is possible to empathise without degrading yourself.

sometimes people find this task difficult when they are being trained, please watch from xyz and let me know if you make a mistake

From everything you've written about yourself you seem to knock yourself in the way you speak and act. Do you need to learn to take up more space in general and not be so dismissive of yourself?

Yes, I definitely need to work on being more assertive. I own up to that 100%. I have suffered my entire life with low self-esteem but even though I am very self-aware and self-reflective I can't seem to change it and it seems to seep out with little comments like that. I think that is what my colleague is picking up on and is using for evidence of weakness/an easy target.
OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 09/04/2021 05:21

OP you were chosen as the person for her to shadow so people must believe you are doing a good job. Take that as a confidence booster.

Justilou1 · 09/04/2021 05:50

I think you need to talk to the colleague about her style of work, and say that you are having the same problem with her and that this isn’t resolving. She is hostile towards you and gaslighting you in front of other colleagues and you need to speak to management about her wor performance as well.