If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

Nope I don’t judge at all

I've been a sahm and a wohm, I never felt judged and I never judged. Most people just get on with living their own lives.

Honestly, I don’t think I’d have much in common with them. My career is important to me and a large part of who I am, separate from my husband and children.

@FourTeaFallOut, that's what I would like to think, but I've just heard these kind of comments too many times.

No, I work and have friends who are SAHMs. I don't judge them at all, I respect them, as I don't think I could hack it!

Some people judge anything and everything. Where I live it's often the working mums that are judged.

When both DC were in infants I remember a mum who didn't work at the time saying something really shitty about another mum who did - along the lines of "No wonder her DD is the way she is if the mum is never around. Girls need their mums." I didn't even really know where to start unpicking that.

Honestly? I think women lose a bit of their identity when they give up work and there is a danger that they can become less interesting. I love hearing about my friends work lives and not just about their kids. Equally though, if SAHM’s have an interesting hobby etc I love hearing about that too. Maybe it’s just kids I find boring

I don't judge. It's hard being a SAHP.
I do hope they have made an informed decision and factored their long term financial security.

The only time I judge a little is if someone says they are a SAHP, but they haven't got the property in their name, they aren't married and then when other people say "you are financially vulnerable at the moment, it would be wise to consider making some plans" the SAHP gets defensive about how her man is a good man, they don't need a party, marriage is a piece of paper, he says she can stay in his house until the children are 18 if they were to split, he is different. The judgement there isn't due to being a SAHP though, it's more that someone can take absolutely zero responsibility for themselves and get snipey to others.

They sound like gossips with nothing better to do and it I were the other school mum wouldn't consider them friends.

I judge laziness - not being a SAHM (which is bloody hard). I’ve judged a couple of friends (probably wrongly), who have a cleaner 2x a week, had a nanny full time and never had time to help out at school or do anything, didn’t have elderly parents to look after. I don’t judge people who are SAH - what a luxury and it takes so much stress - but I have judged those friends who NEVER cooked, never made sure there was milk for the kids at breakfast, never organised holidays (husband always ended up doing it). So I judge laziness - probably wrongly. But I do.

I think that the few people who are judgy are just so goddamned noisy about their opinions that give the impression of being the majority.

That should say - “takes so much stress away”...being a SAHM is bloody hard

No I don't. I've been both. Both have ups and downs. My only worry is for the finances of the sahm. I worried when I was a sahm.

Have spent years feeling I should have to justify why I work part-time and often explain that I used to work full-time, so I know I “can” do it, I just prefer not to. I am happier part-time.
It’s more like a chip on my shoulder really because I should learn to not care what other people think. Their thoughts about my working situation will be fleeting at most, so who cares? Well I do sometimes but I am working on it. You do you!

I can’t bring myself to gaf. I’ve done just about everything now. I’m not cut out to be a SAHM so I feel a real respect for mums/dads who are, and who own it and enjoy it etc.

I’m not a saint - there are some decisions that people with young kids make which don’t affect me in the slightest where I just think “Nah, that’s a terrible decision, what were you thinking?” but the sah/work thing isn’t one of them.

I feel judged by SAHMs for putting my child into nursery and going to work tbh.

I'm a SAHM. I couldn't give a toss about anyone elses life, frankly. My happiness and my family are all I care about. People have too much time on their hands.

I think looking after young kids is really hard and a job for sure.

I find not doing anything much when your kids are older a bit weird. I have some very well off friends who do that but they do a lot of charity and social stuff and buzzing around the globe which keeps them busy I guess.

So if there is some kind of charity or major hobby occupation and you can afford it - great. If people are just pottering around letting life pass them by - I don’t understand it but it takes all sorts etc

Yes, I judge SAHMs unless they are independently wealthy. I don't understand why someone would choose to be financially dependent on someone else. Even more so when money is tight.
I don't know many SAHMs, but they seem to have a very limited world. I would feel extremely limited without my job, but I realise I'm lucky to have a job that gives me a lot of satisfaction and has scope for progression.
Not working also creates a power imbalance in a marriage. Why put yourself in that position?

There is a lot of judgment on WOHMs, so I don't feel bad about judging SAHMs.

I dont judge sahms. I do wonder how they keep it together because I wouldnt be able to. After reading MN I wonder if theyve thought through the longterm financial implications on pensions and what would they do if they split up.

I don't judge* but I do worry for some. A friend of mine is becoming a sahm and feels confident to do so as married and believes would be awarded 50% if they divorced. The problem I see is being awarded 50% of not much is still not much. Not enough credits for full state pension, 50% of a lowish earners private pension, a rented house and x years out of the job market. It feels very risky to me.

• the only part I judge is when people say sahm is hard. I cannot fathom what makes it so hard - accept this may be a failing on my part. I took a year with oldest child and this was significantly easier than juggling with work, especially when becoming a single parent.

I don’t judge. I do feel a bit jealous, but in a nice way.

I’m one of those people where if I won the lottery I would resign immediately, so I guess that feeds into it.

I was a SAHM and now work full-time. I definitely felt judged and felt the need to justify my time. In reality I had 4 DC so for 10 years I always had one at home. It was hard work and I also volunteered at school quite a bit. I have more time for me now that the kids are all in school and I'm working. I get a lunch break to go to the gym. I can go to the toilet without someone following and I actually complete a task that I have started.
SandysMam Personally I think it's sad when someone's identity is wrapped up in their work. Just because you are a SAHM it doesn't mean you don't have interests.
Generally I found that those who judge are either jealous or feel the need to defend their own choices by being disparaging about others.

Honestly, the thing I mainly think is ‘what happens if her husband leaves her/dies/becomes ill’. I also do judge if a SAHM doesn’t have anything else going on in their life. If I was a stay at home mum I would love to spend some time volunteering/on hobbies. I find it weird if SAHMs don’t do anything like that.

I work full-time, I have both working mum friends and SAHM friends and in the immortal words of Dylan Moran - I cannot begin to describe how much I don't care. It has zero impact on my opinion of them. I'm sure they, like you, have looked at all the angles and made a decision based on what's best for your family, something you are an expert on and no one else knows squat about. God, imagine being so boring and small minded that this is what you have to gossip about (your "friends" OP, not you).

If it helps OP, I've felt judged occasionally for having DD in nursery 5 days a week but you know what, I don't have a choice, she is perfectly happy and everyone else should mind their own business.