If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

But what do you do all day OP?

I don't judge them, I worry for them, given the 50 percent probability of divorce. It's an insane gamble to take on your own financial security. Also I suppose I worry it might encourage their daughters to do the same, thus setting them up to be financially vulnerable.

I have a couple of friends who were stay at home mums, I think as the kids are older now honestly it’s more accurate to say they don’t work or are house wives now.

As much as I get on well with both, in reality I get on better and am closer to my friends who work. Those who don’t work their conversation focuses on their almost grown up kids, shopping, cooking, exercise, holidays etc, and as much as we all talk about these things, we don’t do exclusively, I align more with those who also discuss work, their colleagues, issues they face, successes, challenges etc,

I don’t ask what those who stay at home do all day. Because quite frankly I know. And I guess I do judge a little because it would bore me senseless. I don’t judge them for doing it, but judge it as as dull as dishwater.,,It’s a bit oh I’m making x for Tim’s dinner, and I’ve organised the drawers today , I’m going to cut the grass , I did x at the gym” and it’s pretty much always the same sort of thing, day after day after day.

So I guess I judge in a “blimey are you not bored crapless” kind of way, and I’d also struggle mentally with expecting someone else to financially support me, and always paying for me, spending someone else’s money, it’s just not my thing. So as much as I like them, I socialise with them, I text and talk to them they are not whom I most closely align with.

Don’t judge or care. No one knows the choices someone has made or needs to know their whole life story to justify those choices.

No judgement, just envy.

I’ve been judged for working cos obviously I didn’t want the children.
I’ve been judged for being a sahm cos obviously I’m a lazy fucker who does nothing all day.
Been judged for being a single parent on benefits cos obviously I’m a work shy scrounger popping out kids for benefits.
Been judged for having a blue badge cos obviously I’m a lying lazy work shy scrounger defrauding the system.

At first I ignored it all. Then I started asking questions about their lives and made some nasty judgements back at them. Funny that I’m supposed to take all the abuse cos when I fling it back I’m a Cunt 😂

To me a SAHP is someone who looks after young children which is very much a full time role. But once children are at school, especially secondary school, the SAHP in reality is leading an easy life and in the case of a SAHM are arguably the female equivalent of a cock lodger.

I was a sahm for 14 years. For the main, I genuinely didn't care if people judged me and I don't think it happened that often. However, in the last 2 years of being a sahm, I think I judged myself. I've now been back at work (part time) for 2.5 years and feel much happier.

I've been both and have been judged for both so you can't win! 😂

No, I don’t judge - I found being a stay at home mum too difficult, I’m jealous of the their ability to do so- both mentally and financially.

I do judge a friend of mine that’s a stay at hone mum of 2 teenagers, who has a cleaner and a gardener, no volunteering or anything and moans that they’re struggling financially.

Nope. I am self employed and work from home. Most people assume I am a sahm and I don't bother correcting them. Obviously people close to me know but mums at the school gate etc all assume I am sahm and talk about how I must love having the morning to myself etc. I just smile and nod.

Yes, I’m afraid I do judge people who stay at home when the kids are beyond reception age. I can’t stand the phrase ‘don’t need to work’ - I don’t believe anyone ‘doesn’t need’ to work unless they’re receiving a substantial trust fund. Relying on the working partner never to leave or stop providing, or become too ill to work, is foolish, as is giving up financial independence. I don’t think it sets a good example to kids and I think it’s unfair on one partner to carry the entire financial burden if the other is healthy and able to work and the kids are too old to require 24/7 care. I don’t think it’s healthy for the SAHP to willingly make themselves so dependent and reduce their financial autonomy.

I really don’t care what anyone else does. I was a sahm for 10 years, now I work part time.

I don't judge but i do find it hard to find things in common to talk about once you've finished the kids subject. I personally find it hard as my life is very different to people i know who are SAHPs, and actually i sometimes feel judged for choosing to work. I've found it hard in the past to stay in touch easily as they want to do things in the day when i'm working and once it gets to evenings or weekends we tend to see people who also work.

I don’t judge. If anything, I’m often envious. The SAHMs at DCs’ schools typically drive fairly new cars, live in multi million pound houses and are really nice. I judge myself for how frazzled and stressed I usually am whilst trying to work and coordinate the children. I like my job and it’s very well paid which makes it harder to give up. So whilst we could get by without my salary, we don’t want to give up all the extras and luxuries it allows us.

Judge, no, just feel fucking glad I'm not doing it myself.

If they were a long-term sahm, ie still at home after DC were older/all at school, I'd probably conclude we didn't have very much in common though. And it worries me how many women who SAH have sleepwalked into complete financial dependence and being utterly fucked if their partner buggers off or dies. I wouldn't say anything to one of the above though unless asked. I do know a SAHM who is unmarried and has one school aged child and I wonder if she's confident she's secure, but for all I know she has a massive inheritance or a property portfolio or something.

I’m a SAHM, I definitely feel judged at times, either directly or indirectly. I once had a friend (who works) talk about another friend (sahm) saying that her children were old enough for her to go back to work now, so I definitely felt that she felt there was a time limit on how long I should stay at home with my children for.

I sometimes find myself justifying why I don’t work too, mostly to school mums etc who don’t know me very well. I get annoyed at myself for justifying to them because they don’t know my circumstances and for a variety of reasons it works better for family for me to be at home. We are financially comfortable and don’t claim any benefits so it’s nobody else’s business really.

Politics, culture, philosophy, relationships, events, family, learning... honestly, this idea that people run out of things to talk about when it's not crowbarred into the world of paid work, lacks a serious amount of imagination.

I’ve been both. I was judged in both roles. Comments made and people implying you were lazy etc.
Then going to work and having amazing guilt that I’m not with the children.
You can’t win

It pisses me off when SAHMs with school age children go on about how busy they are with getting the kids to school and doing the housework, because WOHMs do that and work and there's just no way it would actually be possible to make those activities take all day and be hard.

It also pisses me off when SAHMs say things like 'I think it's more important to actually be present and raise my child....' like us WOHPs just abandon our kids to the wolves because we can't be bothered to have anything to do with them.

Other than the rare occasions when those things happen I don't even think about who is or isn't a SAHP let alone judge.

I work part time and feel judged by both. im not stay at home enough to not have had a lot judgement about nursery use when they were little nor am i worky enough to not get faux concern about my pension. I also annoy everyone by insisting on having a child with complex SEN which means i cant do the decent thing and work full time now my children are older and childcare has vanished, nor can I go to the gym and be charitible.
I must bore people terribly.

I used to get the reverse when DS was little. I worked FT and was very judged.

Not so very long ago it was the women who decided to return to work and "put their careers before their children" who were judged. Now it appears to be the other way round.

So it appears that we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't, and people will hold women in contempt no matter what.

Perhaps it is time for us all to just stop with the judginess and let people live their own lives however they choose.

I would feel envy more than anything I think. I work full-time and so wish I could afford to drop down even one day.

In the end of the day I don't really judge people. If it works for them it works for them.

I don't judge them, per se, but I can't imagine what we'd have in common/what we'd talk about. Most of my friends are successful and ambitious like me, and find our careers interesting.