If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

When my daughter was in Reception, I worked with a man whose daughter was in the same class. He used to go to all the school plays, stay home when she was sick. People used to say how lovely it was to see such a hands on Dad. But when it came to me, it was all “working mothers are so unreliable and a pain in the arse.” I was made to take annual leave to go to school plays and cover when DD was sick. He “just slipped out for a couple of hours” to go to school plays, and “worked from home” when she was sick. So yes, @MrsAvocet is spot on.

@MrsAvocet so well said!

@Flossie44

G5000 - have you ever asked your sahm friends about their lives though??

It’s this assumption that if a woman doesn’t work, they have nothing beneficial to give to a conversation, that I despise!!
When we as a couple go to a dinner party or similar, the first thing a stranger will ask is ‘hello, and what do you do?’ When I say ‘I’m a mum’. They look blankly and say ‘ohh’. Then they turn and walk away!!

It’s a very hierarchy way of looking at the world

It's possibly just a bit hard to respond to. My DH has a very esoteric job and it tends to close down conversations when he says what he does too.

I normally say something like 'nothing at the moment unless you count running around after the kids haha but I used to be an accountant'. Then they can choose to chat about kids, jobs, or neither.

Another quote which is similar to mrsavocets:

Women are expected to parent as if they don’t work, and work as if they don’t have children.

@babybythesea That's an astute summing up.

Women are expected to parent as if they don’t work, and work as if they don’t have children.

Absolutely! And some of us can’t handle the juggle. Quite frankly!

Not RTFT.

In your situation I wouldn't judge at all, if I could afford to I would happily not work tbh. I don't work much now, me and DH own a business but I do still have to do few days a week.

However, I have a friend who's children are all late teens / early 20s (not even in school anymore but all still living at home) who is still a SAHM. She is always talking about how much financial stress they are under, how many arguments it causes with her DH etc... and I can't help but think it's incredibly selfish tbh.

Also haven’t RTHT but I’ve been both a working mum and a SAHM over the past 23 years and I would say the harshest judge has been me!

When I’m working I feel guilty about not doing the school run etc and when I’m at home I feel guilty that I’m not contributing financially or that I’m being lazy.

Now, at the ripe old age of 51 and with 2 teens and 1 adult child, I’m at home, working a few hours a week and being a lot easier on myself!

Women are expected to parent as if they don’t work, and work as if they don’t have children.

This is why I'm a sahm!

My head hurts reading these comments! Just don't judge. Everyone's circumstances are different. Is it so hard for people to understand? A friend recently said her husband feels very judged by others for being a stay at home dad. He is absolutely amazing ...and my husband envies him and wishes he could do what he does. As for me, I work part time and do not get paid very well but it is enough for me right now. My capacity to work is still restricted by having a younger child in primary school and we have no family nearby to help. I would gladly work full time if their father didn't put all the hours in to progress his career - which he doesn't love. We are all making sacrifices as parents and probably would do things differently. Do we need to judge other parents? It's hard enough parenting. Parents should support each other Obviously there are downsides to being an unemployed parent with a breadwinner. Obviously it's hard having to work full time and feel you are missing out.
There is no correct way to do this. As long as the children are loved and cared for there really is no need to compare.

**Women are expected to parent as if they don’t work, and work as if they don’t have children

Yes! Unfortunately.
We have a long way to go to improve this situation in the UK.
A long way.
However, I will never regret having children over a career. I've seen so many women who desperate to conceive, having reached an age where it becomes tricky, or to find a suitable and willing person to have a baby with.
I do hope women have an easier time with balancing a career and motherhood in the near future. For my daughter to feel she can have a strong career or ease off when necessary.
There are of course options for women IVF, surrogacy or via sperm donor. These are costly options that only work for those who well off and with a support network.