If you are one of three children...

[Onetwo3456]

...do you feel you had the attention and resources you needed from your parents, and are you glad to have your siblings or not?

I was an only child until I was much older and always felt very lonely. My best friends were twins and there were four kids in their family - I loved going over there, felt very happy and busy and we all played together. I hated how silent and lonely it was when I went back home.

I did have siblings later on but it was more of a caretaker role because I was an older child/teenager by then. I never had anyone to grow up with.

Yes, but there is a big age gap. The other two were adults so it’s not a normal sibling relationship

I’m the eldest of three and I wouldn’t want it for my own children. I think two or four work better in terms of numbers of children. With three, it divides into two plus one in my experience so someone is usually left out.

Also, this might sound silly but the more kids you have, the older the older ones seem in comparison to the littlest and the more you expect of them, sometimes inappropriately. If you have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, you will expect more of the 5 year old and rightly so, but with a 5, 3 and 1 year old, suddenly that 5 year old seems quite a lot older.

I never felt I got enough time and attention. I was the eldest so was always expected to know better, to do better, and to let my youngest sibling have whatever they wanted so they didn’t kick off. I also had to share a room for most of childhood, though my parents did extend so I got my own space as a teenager.

Some of it is temperament. Temperamentally, I’d have been better suited to being an only child. It did me good in some ways to have siblings but I was always the odd one out and my parents never sought to manage that - it was my fault and I should just join in more. They were also more relaxed about everything by the time they got to the third.

As an adult, I’m glad I have siblings, though am much closer to one than to the other. But I wouldn’t have three myself.

I'm one of 4 and had a very happy childhood, and I have always been very grateful.for my siblings. Looking back, I think they were stressed a lot though. I have 3.

Interesting thread. I'm the middle child of 3 and at a very simplistic level the characteristics of a textbook middle child describe me very accurately. We are however a very close family and my parents always tried very hard to be fair and consistent (and would be adamant that we were - and are - treated the same) but birth order and dynamics definitely have an influence.

Oldest sibling is very much the golden child, youngest sibling was overly indulged and is a spark of joy to everyone. As adults this has continued. I'm considered to be self sufficient but more or less left to get on with things and brought in as a peacekeeper when needed, again this pattern was established in childhood and has continued. My siblings are very confident and self assured while I've had ongoing issues with anxiety since childhood. CBT has been interesting.

My parents were hopeless but I loved my older DBs growing up even though we weren’t playmates due to the big age gaps. I think my youngest brother suffered the most as I got the attention being a much wanted girl and my older brother got attention for being gifted and my youngest brother rebelled to get attention in his teens. We have never resented each other as adults and we are all in very different financial and living situations. My youngest brother is my very best friend. I adore him. I’m not as close to my oldest brother but love him to bits. I am grateful they are in my life.

@Onetwo3456

These are really interesting replies, thank you

Those that feel they were negatively impacted by sibling size, how much do you think that could have been mitigated by your parent's attitudes and actions, within the same financial means? Do you think the parenting norms of the time made a difference?

My parents were the best parents they knew how to be, so I don't think they could have done anything differently with the resources they had (both financially and emotionally) apart from maybe only having 2 children!

yeah, I"m the youngest and there is a 4 year gap between me and my middle sibling. Hung out a lot with my mum as older two could do more stuff together. I never felt less loved or deprived of attention.

I find these comments really interesting. I have an only child and sometimes feel guilty about it

Same here. Thought we were happily ‘one and done’ for lots of reasons (we are older parents), but had a major wobble during lockdown over DD’s isolation and our very small family not being enough for her.

So interesting, and more than a bit reassuring, to read that there’s no ‘right answer’ when it comes to family size and dynamics!

Well I'm a lot younger than my siblings. They were basically adult when I came alone- I was a definite surprise.

So I kind of had the best of both worlds with older siblings to buffer the much older parents but plenty of time as the only child at home.
My parents were also better off financially when I arrived.

My dh is the eldest of 3 and then 2 half siblings from second marriages.
The 3 have an interesting dynamic and it's only been I. Recent years they have talked about growing up from their own perspective. They all view their childhoods very very differently.

Yes. I am the youngest, so maybe that makes a difference though, and our age gaps were 3 years between each child. Love having an older sister and older brother!

Middle child, me and the eldest were fine, ballet, gym, drama, swim classes, lots of time spent on us etc.

Younger sister is a reasonable age gap (7 years younger than me) and definitely felt the pinch in terms of classes etc. She resents now that she is a bad swimmer compared to us and missed out on the other stuff we got. To this day she carries a chip on her shoulder about being ‘left out’ by the two eldest. Meanwhile, we felt the lack of interest when the youngest came along, were very much left to fend for ourselves at school and weren’t pushed in homework etc. because all efforts went on the baby of the family.

From my experience I wouldn’t have three and wouldn’t have an age gap.

Yes and no. I'm the middle child my siblings both had learning difficulties so alot of attention went onto them because of it. But my mum was on her own with 3 under 3. I remember her trying her hardest to make sure we all got a piece of her. Most of the time my siblings needed something when it was my turn. I did alot of clubs though. We had holidays ect... I honestly don't know how she manged it. I have 3 kids now and make sure I do something with each of them. Sometimes it doesn't work that way but that's life.

No but one of my siblings was severely disabled and required 24 / 7 care so they understandably were given all the time and attention.

Eldest of 3 with a huge gap between child 2 and 3. Hated it and would never ever consider a big age gap, no matter how broody I may get for a third.

I'm eldest of 4 and despite being poor and living in a very overcrowded house until I was 14, I had a wonderfully happy childhood. I was never roped into looking after younger two (there was quite a gap between older 2 and younger 2, same parents though) but I used to love helping my mum, made me feel grown up.

As adults I'm not massively close to all my siblings, no drama or anything!!

I have 3, 3rd was unplanned and was unfortunately born with a rare genetic condition, is registered disabled and will never live independently. DC3 is an absolute angel and our family has adjusted to having a child with extra needs but it is something I'd always ask someone who is on the fence about another child - would you be able to cope with a non NT child?

I’m eldest of 3. Used as unpaid childcare far too much, made me resentful and I left home as soon as I could. Not enough time or money to go around. My parents should have stopped at 2. I think 2 is plenty enough children. I have only one by choice, as have my siblings, which speaks volumes I think.

I'm the eldest of 3. We never got any of our parents time but that not due to there being three of us, our father left when we were tiny and our mother preferred men and drinking, we wouldn't have had any attention regardless.

However, we ended up being mostly raised by our grandparents and had the most amazing childhood. I had more love and attention than I could've ever wished for and my siblings both feel the same. I never felt left out or like I had to 'help' with the younger ones either. Me and my sisters are, and always have been, extremely close and I can hand on heart say I've never felt a hint of resentment. I don't know if that's because we had a tough time early on though and bonded more.

One of 4 and I never felt I suffered but we didn't do lots of kids activities and when we had our own bedrooms we would still sometimes bunknin with each other. We didn't go abroad every year either and I know some people would consider that missing out.

*bunk in

Yes. I’m the eldest. I loved having siblings. Still do, we are all very close. All 3 of us now have 3 children each 💗

@bootlebum

I am glad to have my siblings but I found being the quiet 'good' middle child just meant I was neglected. My emotional needs were certainly not met.

Same here xx

I was the middle child of 3 girls. Certainly not neglected in terms of resources, but felt my parents were pretty thinly spread time wise. I remember my mother being angry and impatient much of the time, especially when we were teenagers. I think she really struggled having 3 children. It was just too much for her. My sisters and I get along very well.

I think my parents took on more than they could handle psychologically with 3 kids. Once I was around age 30, it became clear to me that they both have mental health difficulties and emotional problems. Our family life full of walking on eggshells lest we anger someone was not especially pleasant.

In brutal honesty I think that if the number of children in a house is greater than the number of adults then that is a recipe for at least one of the children to have unmet needs at times. Either by not having that time with their parent or by being the one that has to play parent to a sibling. I say this a third child, and as a single parent to two children where I put my hands up and say there are absolutely times that I have to decide who gets my attention as I cannot devote myself to both in every instance.