If you are one of three children...

[Onetwo3456]

...do you feel you had the attention and resources you needed from your parents, and are you glad to have your siblings or not?

@bootlebum

This exactly. Middle child. Not that fussed about my siblings. Can’t really stand my youngest. Spoilt and precious. Both extremely irresponsible but fully supported emotionally and financially by parents when they eff up big style. Which has happened many times. I have deep psychological scars from being the middle child between two relationships. I am not special, I am undeserving, and why should I get attention that my siblings don’t get? I have spent years in psychiatry and psychology treatment. I am scarred for life emotionally.

No I didn’t feel loved. I honestly don’t know why they bothered, I was a task that needed completing. Had to wear my sisters hand me downs all the time which I hated, especially as she was bigger than me. I just seemed like an inconvenience. We were so so poor. She was always tired and uninvested. I look bad and just feel sad. I only had one.

Yes and yes. I am the oldest of 3 with 8 years between me and my sister (the youngest). Loved being the eldest as my parents were there if I needed them, but were suitably distracted to not overly involve themselves in my life. We are all really close now, my little sister has just had her first so I will get to help out as my 2 are a bit more independent. We would have had 3 in a heart beat but I got really poorly so couldn't fit another one in!

My parents didn’t have the resources (emotional or financial) to deal with no. 3 - they didn’t do well in life, eldest two did OK (I’m one of the elder ones.)

I think it’s fine if you have the resources for it - but it’s a lot more than 2.

@Nitpickpicnic

When I was young- I wished fervently I’d been an only child. Had waaaaay too many ‘grown up’ responsibilities thrust on me to look after my younger siblings (and my mum).

Now at 50yo- wishing even more I’d been an only. My spoilt siblings have turned out to be narcissistic manipulators, no sense of family duty or feeling at all. I’m currently trying to deal with our parents’ estate, and their greed and bullying is making me dream of a world where they disappear (or never existed).

I look at other families with siblings that support each other, have a laugh together or simply even love each other at a bit of a distance. I may as well be looking at aliens. If you’re one of these, don’t take it for granted, and give them an extra squeezy hug for me! You’re lucky.

I so agree. I'd have loved that.

Really resented being the eldest of three, had to grow up quickly, take on more of a parental role. There was never enough attention or money for us all. My mother wanted three, father two as he knew he couldn't afford it, my mother won and their relationship is awful to this day. I only have one child as a result, wouldn't dream of having any more. Have an awful relationship with my youngest sibling due to basically having to parent them for years.

Youngest of 3. Hated it - as a child I got broken everything handed down, no interests or hobbies persued like my siblings had, no say over anything. As a teen and an adult I was seen as the favourite baby of the family and treated with utter contempt for it. Wasn't remotely true. The older two do not speak to each other at all now, haven't for years, and I am only polite to them both. They do not really know me - I will forever be the little sister they could not be arsed with.

Growing up I thought being one of three was fine. I've only just started to realise having had my own children that our family dynamic was a bit odd.

My DM says that she never found it difficult having three children. But that's because she never really paid us any attention. We were quiet, undemanding children and easy to ignore. It wasn't that she neglected us so much as that we learnt to be self-sufficient from a very young age and we left her and my DF alone. So they had plenty of time for their own hobbies and interests because we'd be playing in our rooms upstairs for hours without anyone really checking on us. We were also very well-behaved in public and would sit quietly in restaurants and hardly ever had tantrums. But we weren't particularly happy children and we always envied the children running around screaming and making lots of noise (whom my parents were always very disapproving about).

Resources - yes
Attention - no
However, I think it's partly tondo with my parents parenting style, no matter how many siblings I had.
My mother is emotionally stunted, selfish, overbearing, materialistic, critical, judgemental, and saw us as little robots as opposed to actual people with our own thoughts, beliefs and preferences.

Yes I'm glad I had my brothers.

Yes and yes. So much so I had three children myself. I am one of three sisters and my eldest sister and I did not get on for many years. At one point my other sister lived abroad for a period and I found it completely suffocating only having the older one as a peer. I realised how much having the other one balanced our family, if that makes sense.

As we’ve grown older (eldest sis and I have patched up our differences) I’ve found having three of us has helped split responsibilities such as caring for our elderly parents. If it had been just down to two of us it would be extremely difficult.

These are really interesting replies, thank you

Those that feel they were negatively impacted by sibling size, how much do you think that could have been mitigated by your parent's attitudes and actions, within the same financial means? Do you think the parenting norms of the time made a difference?

Meant sibling number/family size

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair, is it a bizarre thing to think? Must admit I have never thought that. This whole thread is interesting and causing me to reflect. As the oldest (female) child with a younger brother, I never did, and still don’t, see why you would have another one. It’s expensive, selfish, bad for the planet, and dilutes time and resources. And my parents had the time and the money for three, must be a lot worse for people if their parents didn’t.

Ps neither I nor my siblings went on to have three either

I don't think it's odd to want more than one child, however my family is Irish so...

I would love a third but health problems have perhaps put that to bed. Also finances as I do agree it's important to consider the financial implications & housing/holidays/childcare are so expensive these days.

@itsgettingwierd

Time and resources - yes.

Did I love being the eldest of 3? - no!

But that's because I was quiet and passive and expected to behave as the eldest and was the eldest sibling to a stripping loud mouthed bully of a sister and a brother who was youngest and only boy.

So for me it was the dynamics which can be controlled.

Same here! I'm the eldest of 3. Sister 18m younger than me. Bigger and a bully with a nasty mouth. Even as a child. As the eldest it was my responsibility to act accordingly and to keep the other 2 in line.

If they were naughty I was often beaten first for not making them behave.

Had 3 kids myself tho but didn't follow my mothers way of parenting!

I should add to my earlier post that I am one of three, dh is one of three and we have three dc.

I’m the third of 4. I ever felt I was missing anything, and have always loved having several siblings.

I'm not sure having three children was the reason for our family dynamic but it didn't help that my parents were stretched financially.

My mother was young when she had us. I think she had children because that was what everyone around her was doing. She enjoyed having three cute little children to take places but wasn't particularly interested in the boring reality of day-to-day parenting. Having said that, she had to go back to work when we were still very young for financial reasons (and my DF used to work overtime) so I think she was always fairly tired. She used to lose it occasionally and that frightened us children enough to keep us in line the rest of the time. We were very passive and introverted and, in retrospect, we needed more love and security and to be brought out of ourselves, which she couldn't offer.

That said, I valued having siblings growing up. I was very close to one sibling and had an ok relationship with the other sibling. I would not have liked to be an only child nor would I have preferred life without my younger sibling (I'm the middle one).

Fwiw, I have a great relationship with my mum these days. She's a much more involved grandparent than she was a parent. I think part of it was that she was stressed and overwhelmed. Not only did she have to work full-time, but she also did everything around the house and had all of what we would now refer to as the "mental load".

@Onetwo3456

These are really interesting replies, thank you

Those that feel they were negatively impacted by sibling size, how much do you think that could have been mitigated by your parent's attitudes and actions, within the same financial means? Do you think the parenting norms of the time made a difference?

No, numbers dictate time and finances so they should have stopped much sooner.

No, there was not enough attention to to around and because I didn't cause any Trouble or Worry, I was largely ignored. My mother has admitted as much to me as an adult and apologised (unbidden - she raised it, not me).

I have chosen to have fewer children because no child deserves to be overlooked.

I’m a bit older so having three, if not more, back then was quite normal. I am the oldest of 3 girls close in age, and was expected to “ help” with the younger ones. My parents were great parents and we weren’t well off but had all that we needed, but the dynamics of three really continues to play out so many years later. As the oldest sensible motherly one I still struggle to put my own needs first in a lot of situations. My youngest sister, she was a surprise and I think my parents hoped for a boy, was the baby of the family and still struggles to take responsibility for things and is a bit me me me. My middle sister never felt special, she was neither the oldest or the youngest, and still felt resentful as an adult she has gone NC with all of us.
I don’t think my parents did anything wrong it was just our personalities, my aunt who was a teacher used to say she could tell if any of the kids in a class were the middle one of three. I always said no way would I have three, I have two.

Oldest of 3. Happy with it as a child and happy with it now. Got in better with my sister (youngest) and more competitive with my brother (middle) but get on well with both now.

DH youngest of 3 and gets on well with both older brothers.

Both of our families had enough money and attention from parents. We are only having 2 though, as personally I don't have the energy/attention reserves for a third.

I'm the oldest of three and my parents certainly had enough attention and resources for us.
that said, I'm not sure I'd want 3 myself - I feel like 2 or 4 would be better. As 3, often 2 played together and one was left out. This was often me, but just as often one of the others. As adults, my siblings have more in common with each other than me, so I feel like I'm the one left out.
Also I felt like my sister was my mum's favourite (the youngest) and my brother was my dad's (only boy).
My husband just has a sister, and each of them was the favourite of one parent.