If you are one of three children...

[Onetwo3456]

...do you feel you had the attention and resources you needed from your parents, and are you glad to have your siblings or not?

@Purplecatshopaholic

I never understood why they had three. They had one of each already.

Yes, because that's the only reason people have children, what a bizarre thing to think

Having only one sibling is no guarantee you will get on with each other or your parents will have enough time & support for you. I always find that narrative a bit odd.

One of 4 but with a big age gap, so there were three of us for lots of our childhood. Pleased to have my siblings, though fought like cat and dog with the one closest to me in age.

Main issue in my childhood was that my mother disliked being a mother, and was very vocal about it. It's a mystery why she chose to have 4 (it was very much her choice) - I guess she thought if she get practising, she'd get it right eventually . She also very obviously favoured one sibling, though it wasn't always the same one. Naturally, that caused issues, but they would have been just as bad if there had only been two of us - maybe worse, in fact.

I think if you have three (or more), you do have to be prepared to do a lot of work on the dynamics. Sometimes parents who have a larger families are rather hands-off. I guess it feels overwhelming and it's easier to deal with the endless squabbling by saying, 'Sort it out between yourselves' but, unless you are incredibly lucky, you will end up with some siblings dominating the others.

@broccolibush

No. The youngest was treated very differently from us older ones (and there isn’t a significant age gap - in fact it’s smaller than the one between the older sibs). We were sent away to school, they stayed at home with our parents; we were not given financial help as adults, they have been given lots etc.

We were not close with the third as children/teens and we barely have anything to do with each other as adults, though the older two of us speak regularly. I don’t know that it would have been any different had we not been three as I don’t remember life before they came along. Maybe there would have been differences in treatment with us older two. Maybe we’re a horribly dysfunctional family. But the third child was treated so differently - is treated so differently - that I can’t say I am glad for them and the bandwidth they take up from my parents (both as a child and as an adult)

That’s a strange dynamic. Is the third child different sex?

I ended up as 1 of 4, but with a very big age gap so was 1 of 3 for a while. I probably had sufficient attention from my parents and there was sufficient financial resources. There was not sufficient emotional resources, but, to be honest, that was the case when there were only 2 of us. Having more children probably didn't help that but it wasn't the cause. I am still very glad to have my siblings. The younger ones were my reason to carry on when I was a very depressed teenager. We don't see each other much these days but we have a good relationship.

I wish I'd been an only child.
All of my deep seated negative feelings are from my older siblings.

How do you know that you wouldn't have any negative feelings about other things if you were an only?

I'm one of three and so is DH.

I felt unwanted and in the way. This was due to unforeseen circumstances within my family when I was very young. Then as I got older, and circumstances changed again, I was asked if I'd like to go to boarding school. I spent a lot of time on my own playing imaginative games.
DH's mum told me that she didn't like his youngest sibling, growing up. She wondered at one stage if the youngest sibling could move in with her aunt and children but DH's father refused to entertain the idea. Nowadays his mum and youngest sister spend a lot of time together as they are both quite dependent on each other.

@bootlebum

I am glad to have my siblings but I found being the quiet 'good' middle child just meant I was neglected. My emotional needs were certainly not met.

This for me too

Oldest of 3. Very little money (benefits only as egg donor refused to work), even less attention. I despised my childhood and resented my sister, my brother is completely different (outing I won't get into detail). ED would 'buy' us instead of showing us affection or paying attention / spending time with us.

We were all unplanned and only one father was ever on the scene, which I believe made things much harder. As an adult I can see that she resented us being in her presence and we were 'too much' for her, despite being fairly well behaved children.

Yes but I was the oldest and, even now at age 60, I know I am the 'golden child' - my DPs are scrupulously fair about things like money etc and tbh as the one living nearest them I do all the caring etc. But three DC is a lot, I chose to have one and that's as much as I can cope emotionally with.

I am the 3rd child of 4. I have 2 elder brothers who are 8/9 years older than me,and then my sister and I are also close in age 18 months apart. I think it worked well having the two boys close together and then us two girls close together, as it meant we had similar interests to play together. I've loved having a big family my whole life.

Etinox no we’re all the same sex. I have wondered in the past whether the treatment was down to guilt over disappointment that #3 wasn’t the opposite sex. Then I decided that way madness lies (quite literally, I’ve had a lot of MH problems as a result of my upbringing) so have parked it in the don’t apply logic to crazy box. Thank you for the flowers.

Yes and Yes. I'd have had 3 myself if DC2 wasn't a total toddler monster.

My mum is the oldest of 3, my Nan had her just after her 16th birthday. There's a huge tension between her and her youngest sibling, who is the golden child, who was treated as the Messiah.
Nan is still clouded with her devotion now to GC, even though all siblings are over 40. Middle child has moved away and gone LC with most of the family as a result

No, hated it and wouldn’t follow the same path.

Not enough time, not enough resources, no space or privacy, missed out on what peers had and too much responsibility that should have been the adults.

Yes, and yes.

I am the middle child.

There’s a much bigger gap between my younger sibling and me than between me and my elder sibling. I’m not sure my younger sibling would give the same immediate unqualified yes - but I don’t know. Parents are scrupulously fair - my mum particularly was obsessed by it, and financially and other opportunities all given exactly the same - but where you are in the birth order and circumstances obviously colours your view and there’s no way to guarantee how it turns out.

No, I was already 9 before my 3 siblings came along and I never understood why they had them.
I was basically used as an unpaid babysitter and got none of the attention teenagers need. I had zero one on one time with my parents and everything we did was geered around the baby’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved them very much but looking back I suspect my mum was suffering from some sort of postnatal depression with the last two as I was a very good teenager, spent a lot of time looking after my siblings but she treated me terribly. We have a much better relationship now but I’ll never forget some of the nasty things she said to me.

Now I’m older and they’re all still living at home, I just don’t think three works. Two are best friends and the other is constantly left out of everything and very much the loner as my parents both favourite one of the other two.

Personally my experiences have meant I will never have more than two of my own, I just don’t think it’s fair

@AllTheCakes

No. As the oldest I completely resented having two siblings. There was never enough money or space at home, let alone attention from parents, so I can’t understand why my parents continued to have my siblings.

Same here. Hasn’t got better in my old age. I barely speak with them.

No , I'm middle of 3 ( GGB) about 3 years between us .
As adults I have no contact with DSis .

I always felt like I was compromising .

DSis was up in her room "studying" , DBro "out playing"
It was always me that was left to cook dinner or tidy the kitchen.
DSis wouldn't let me in the bedroom except to sleep.

So , no way was I going to have 3 DC (unless my 2nd was twins)

I'm one of three. There's an age gap so I was an only child in some respects. We're not close and have little in common.
My mum wasn't the nurturing type so we all had low expectations of attention. Resources were ok. My dad worked away.
I guess as my parents get very old I'll be glad of siblings so we won't go through that alone? But who knows.

Yes and I feel like I benefited from the company/attention of my siblings too.

My parents had 3 children in 3.5 years. We had a happy childhood and were really loved, but my older brother resented me and my younger brother apparently from the word go and this resentment carried on into adulthood and we have hardly any contact with him now (his choice). Some children just don't have the temperament to thrive with siblings I guess. My older brother would have been really happy as an only child but instead got two siblings in a very short space of time! Having said that though I know lots of people from families with 3 children who all seem very well adjusted..

When I was young- I wished fervently I’d been an only child. Had waaaaay too many ‘grown up’ responsibilities thrust on me to look after my younger siblings (and my mum).

Now at 50yo- wishing even more I’d been an only. My spoilt siblings have turned out to be narcissistic manipulators, no sense of family duty or feeling at all. I’m currently trying to deal with our parents’ estate, and their greed and bullying is making me dream of a world where they disappear (or never existed).

I look at other families with siblings that support each other, have a laugh together or simply even love each other at a bit of a distance. I may as well be looking at aliens. If you’re one of these, don’t take it for granted, and give them an extra squeezy hug for me! You’re lucky.

I find these comments really interesting. I have an only child and sometimes feel guilty about it. It just goes to show there is no perfect size of family as there are so many dynamics at play.

Nitpickpicnic that's sounds really difficult. My sisters & I piss each other off sometimes but we support each other no matter what.