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Original poster

I've done something stupid and I'm scared!

217 replies

MegaScared · 11/03/2021 16:43

I've just sent a message to my Father after finding him on Facebook. Haven't had contact for 20+ years. Bloody scared now. Got a feeling he'll ignore it though.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 19/03/2021 07:41

It's good that he answered.
I can maybe put myself in your dm position.
I was divorced nearly 30 years ago and have a daughter who was barely 1 at the time.
It was ex dh decision to split and i was devastated
However looking back it was the right thing to do.
And with 30 years of maturity under my belt I can see I was just as much to blame - we argued every day. And I am sorry for my part. If I could do it all again I would do it differently.
But I did my best as I'm sure your parents did at the time.
We both went on to be happily married and have more children.

For your own happiness and sanity though you need to know they did their best. They are different people now.

You need, and it takes time , ti forgive them and let it go.
They made a bit of a mess back then , but this is now. This is your life and you can choose to be happy , or not.

Don't let someone else's bad choice stop you having the great life you deserve.

For me 30 is a long time ago. Since then I've lost my beloved people but life is still good and I am thankful every day for my family and everything I do have.

Robin233 · 19/03/2021 08:07

To put your fathers side , maybe

Also we found my dh father 22 years after his last contact.
Turns out once dm had remarried she told df:

We have a new family now and we Don't need you.

Every time he made the 9 hour round trip he had the door slammed in his face. He still paid maintenance though.

Dm even told my dh on his 18 birthday his Dad was 'dead'

Eventually we track df down
He said he was scared to reach out because it had been so long.

Dh and d sil went on to form a very close relationship with him till he died some 13 years later.

justilou1 · 22/03/2021 08:33

I'm not surprised, tbh. When you have lived with only one side of the story for a very long time, it gets twisted to suit the narrative of the teller. It's not to say that the person telling the story wasn't wronged, but perhaps it's exaggerated over time as the person becomes more embittered. If your mum had moved on with her life and been happy, perhaps she would have been indifferent to him or more positive. I'm not necessarily speaking from experience, but from observing my very, very, very dysfunctional family.

Original poster
MegaScared · 31/03/2021 09:19

I'm meeting him today face to face. So bloody nervous.

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 31/03/2021 09:28

Good luck op. I was going to say that when you contacted him you made him confront his own shame and that's why he didn't make himself vulnerable. You will have some powerful emotions. Don't let them sway you off course.

6demandingchildren · 31/03/2021 09:30

Wow this really has come on so far for you, don't hold out for any expectations, and if you need to ask to be left alone for 5 minutes if you need a bit of time and obviously he may also ask for the same. And you don't have to catch up a lifetime in a day xxx

UglyHoose · 31/03/2021 09:38

Good luck today OP BiscuitThanks

Dontjudgeme101 · 31/03/2021 10:12

Good luck op. I hope you get all answers that you need. I will be thinking of you. You are one brave woman. 💐

Lovedove · 31/03/2021 10:56

Good luck x

SplendidSuns1000 · 31/03/2021 11:28

Good luck, OP. I'll be thinking of you and crossing my fingers today x

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 31/03/2021 12:53

Good luck x

babbaloushka · 31/03/2021 12:57

Good luck OP!

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 31/03/2021 12:58

There is def a spam folder . He May not even see it😞

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 31/03/2021 12:59

Sorry just read update .

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 31/03/2021 12:59

Good luck

Jimdandy · 31/03/2021 13:13

Good luck OP let us know how it goes. Hope it helps you x

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 31/03/2021 13:21

I hope it goes ok.

But you need to keep your mind open that it wasn't all down to your Dad.

And that possibly he didn't make the right decisions, but might have made them for the right reasons.

Thinking of you

Flossie44 · 31/03/2021 13:32

Just read your post start to finish. Wishing you so much luck for today.
I feel you did the right thing by making initial contact. You will always have wondered.

ARoseDowntown · 31/03/2021 13:33

Good luck OP. Be careful, be open minded and take time before your next steps.

ScndChnceAtLfe · 31/03/2021 13:37

Wishing you the very best of luck for today OP. I stumbled across this thread today and it struck a chord with me as my father was never in my life. I often wonder how he'd respond if I managed to find him and reach out. I've tried and failed to track him down many times up until now, and made a twat of myself in the process by messaging the wrong people.

I hope you get what you need from today.

Colouringaddict · 31/03/2021 13:45

I hope you get what you need from him today. The decisions regarding him are now yours to make.

Your mum brought you up alone, he’s bound to want to shift some blame, but you know your mum.

Trust your instincts! Good luck

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 31/03/2021 13:48

Good luck op. I hope you get what you need from it.

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 31/03/2021 13:56

Thinking of you op. Haven't seen my df for 20 years either..

BobbidyBob · 31/03/2021 14:02

Wishing you luck OP. I have been through similar and it’s very scary.

Lipz · 31/03/2021 14:14

Good luck

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