I've done something stupid and I'm scared!

[MegaScared]

I've just sent a message to my Father after finding him on Facebook. Haven't had contact for 20+ years. Bloody scared now. Got a feeling he'll ignore it though.

And I haven't been opening the conversation because I'm not sure what to say. I want him to know he has a grandson. But i have questions, negative ones, that i want to ask.

If his daughter has added you as a friend, then he obviously told her you’ve been in contact. So that has to be a good thing.

Maybe send another message telling him what you’re up to now. Married/children/job etc and see how he responds to that.

Leave it for a while, go for a walk, do something else. Get some help thinking about what you want, what is likely or possible. Counselling? Best of luck

I think you need to give him some space to process this and think about what he wants to do. You can't expect him to jump straight in with long messages and chat.
It's as much of a step for him as it is for you.

Yes, there is no hurry, he has been absent for so long.
I suggest you take your time, & eventually IMO, if you have questions you would like answers to, then you should ask him, you are both adults, it doesn't have to be agressive or defensive. Just information, that you would like to have.

What are the circumstances leading to a 20 odd year gap?

Can I offer some advice, and yes other's on here will bash me for saying this.
Your Dad has not reached out in all this time, I just don't want you to be hurt, by you doing all the running and him just giving a half arsed attempt at a relationship.
Pleased protect yourself, and don't over invest, I watched someone I love do this and time after time, they pushed for a relationship and were answered, promised and never actually had this person follow up,
Now the person is dead, the other person posted about how they miss the dead person, how much hurt and pain and LOVE they feel for the dead person but they NEVER put any effort in when they could have had a warm loving relationship.
Please just protect your heart.

@Whythesadface

Can I offer some advice, and yes other's on here will bash me for saying this. Your Dad has not reached out in all this time, I just don't want you to be hurt, by you doing all the running and him just giving a half arsed attempt at a relationship. Pleased protect yourself, and don't over invest, I watched someone I love do this and time after time, they pushed for a relationship and were answered, promised and never actually had this person follow up, Now the person is dead, the other person posted about how they miss the dead person, how much hurt and pain and LOVE they feel for the dead person but they NEVER put any effort in when they could have had a warm loving relationship. Please just protect your heart.

Thank you. Really, thank you. I needed to hear this.

@BehindMyEyes

What are the circumstances leading to a 20 odd year gap?

The usual. Affair, divorce. Starts new family. Ignores old family.

Please follow the love.
You will be a great mum, your kind caring and compassionate, your DH I hope will be your rock,
The best way to live is to be happy, do not chase false what could have beens and make HAPPY memories to fill your life.
If you expect nothing than anything that you do get is a bonus, but you don't need to chase a man who puts in no effort, that way sadness lies.

Whythesadface is very wise. He is your Dad, but be aware he will never be the Dad you want and deserve. Raising your hopes will only leave you hurt. I've been there. Not in as extreme circumstances.

I just want to speak to my Dad

I understand. BTDT got the T-shirt draped over the scar tissue on my soul.

My advice is do as he is doing. Take your time to make considered, thought out, genuine responses rather than off the cuff replies. It's easy for tone to be misinterpreted in text, especially if written in a rush

If web 2.0 had been a thing and my last conversation with my dad had been via messages rather than on the phone, I think I may not have belatedly discovered his death via somebody else's random google some 20 years later. It could have had a different, happier ending. Possibly.

I hope you get what you are looking for ❤️ And if you don't, there are many of us here who can be your ears and shoulders.

Don't ask negative questions please. He'll just cut you off again.

And then you'll never have answers.

I'm sure you're very angry, hurt and confused. He may well be a coward and he probably is. They just keep running.

If you want contact it may be on his terms. I have an absent Dad. He will never, ever be the father I wanted.

We have some 'relationship' but it's on his terms, which is always at arms length.

Don't expect much. Please don't. It will break your heart.

Instead work on yourself and forgiving him. This is the hardest thing to do. In some ways you go through a process of grief.

The last part is acceptance. You will never ever have what you wanted. But it's not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. You are loved and lovable. Your parents are not perfect beings and nor should you ever expect them to be. For whatever reason he did what he did and he thought it was for the best - for him.

You can't hold onto rage where your parents are concerned. It just destroys you, leaves you in victimhood and depowers you to ever live the life you ever wanted.

Don't let your crap Dad disallow you to live the life you always wanted.

I feel you need to be honest to yourself about what it is you are looking for.
However he responds or whatever he is like now will never undo the hurt and pain you feel about being abandoned. If you manage to develop some sort of contact/relationship it will reopen all the pain for you and make it in the present. Seeing or hearing about his relationships with your half-siblings will be incredibly painful, particularly if he comes across as a nice bloke now. At worst he will pass some blame on your mother, at best he will talk about living with regret for not maintaining a relationship with you. This could be very upsetting for you and make you dwell on what could have been and your feeling of abandonment and potentially cause you to turn your pain inwards on yourself.

Please be very cautious, I can understand why you want to connect, maybe at this stage keep it very light and brief, let him know he has a grandchild, maybe send a photo, but you could end up feeling he is rejecting not just you but your own child if he fails to respond adequately.

I hope it works out for you @MegaScared.

My father said he'd call the police if I rang him again .

I found much of the content in this workbook very helpful. It helps you forgive and understand how freeing forgiveness can be. It allows you to reach a place of freedom.

thepathofforgiveness.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/ForgivenessWorkbook.pdf

We all make mistakes. Your Dad is not perfect but that doesn't mean to say you need to limit your life based on what happened to you.

You're looking for something. In the end we're all looking for love and a sense of belonging somewhere, to feel accepted. It's one of our deepest human needs. Someone abandoned you when you were young and you don't understand why.

”I'm a bit surprised you messaged and I'm trying to get my head around it."

Mega, please don’t get your hopes up. This sounds as casual as someone you had a holiday fling with 20 years ago. Silverbirch and others ate giving wise advice. I’d add Don’t let him play you.

Best of luck. I hope it gives you what you want.

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

”I'm a bit surprised you messaged and I'm trying to get my head around it."

Mega, please don’t get your hopes up. This sounds as casual as someone you had a holiday fling with 20 years ago. Silverbirch and others ate giving wise advice. I’d add Don’t let him play you.

Best of luck. I hope it gives you what you want.

Do you think so?

I guess I haven't really had the reaction I wanted. Simple one sentence type responses, sees my messages and takes hours and hours to reply. And when he does it's like three words. I've been trying to give the benefit of the doubt thinking he's in shock, doesn't know what to say but part of me also thinks it smacks of a lack of effort? I don't know.

The last thing i said, in response to his saying it's a surprise and him trying to get his head around it, I replied with "I understand it must be a shock to hear from me. But if you do want to talk, I'm here." He just replied "okay thank you". ??? I don't know, it just, seems like a lack of effort or i dont even know.

I mean why is he doing this to me? After twenty years. Why can't he step up and respond with something that contains more than three bloody words. I feel like he really owes me I cant help it. He owes me but the way the conversation has gone so far seems like hes the kid and I'm the dead beat parent trying to make amends. He's the let down kid in shock and needs space, etc. This wasn't how it was supposed to be

I thought I was over it and ready for this but actually it hurts like I didnt expect it too. And you're right he'll never be that father I wanted. And it'll never undo what's done

I would block the half sibling for now.

My heart feels kinda broken
Never felt this before it's kind of overwhelming

OP, he's not your dad. He was a sperm donor. Unfortunately I think you messaged him with expectations and he hasn't lived up to them. Without being harsh, what did you think was going to happen. If he was bothered he would have got in touch years ago.

My 'mother' came up on people you may know yesterday. I haven't seen her since I was 4. And part of me has always wondered what would happen if I messaged her. But I know that she wouldn't give a shit and likely not even respond. I've also recently found out why my father has become more and more distant with me and it's pathetic and made me realise he really doesn't give a shit about me and I have sent my whole life desperately trying to have this relationship with him that just wasn't there for him.

I'm now realising that my parents were actually the 2 people who raised me and have been there for me since I was 4. Not the 2 people who donated their genes.

@NotMyPremium

I'm now realising that my parents were actually the 2 people who raised me and have been there for me since I was 4. Not the 2 people who donated their genes.

Such a moving post.